[Indians] Have you married your partner against parents will?

F5 Networks / Eng h689qbQ75
Jun 2 112 Comments

Physically and mentally exhausted trying to convince parents to agree to a partner of my choice. Orthodox Indian Parents.

I want to evaluate my option of just going against their will. Wanted to know if Blinders have done this and what was the outcome?

Any suggestions, tips would be very helpful.

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TOP 112 Comments
  • Okay, I get it. I know your folks’ type exactly.

    Listen, your mom will hate your wife no matter what. So marry whomever the fuck you want. It’s all the same in the end, anyway.
    Jun 2 7
    • F5 Networks / Eng h689qbQ75
      OP
      Um, yeah. But, I'm not sure how I can even go against their will and how things would pan out for me, my SO and both our families.
      Jun 2
    • Just be clear with your dad that it is your life and you will always love and respect him, but, the decision is yours.

      Be transparent with your SO and her family about what the situation is. And that you are prepared to do the needful ;)

      It’ll be fine. We love to create drama but it’s all just hot air in the end.
      Jun 2
    • F5 Networks / Eng h689qbQ75
      OP
      Yep, I'll do that.

      I agree that it is all just hot air in the end. And, life goes on.

      Thanks, Uber!
      Jun 2
    • Verizon Media sxSG85
      My girlfriend left me ( she says she loves me still lol ) because her dad was super orthodox and couldn't stomach the caste difference. Looking back, as much as I loved her, I think I dodged a bullet. I can't survive such drama and don't like parents meddling in my relationship. Check with your SO how much their tolerance is. Ask hard questions. Take any decision thinking about the long term instead of fearing short term pain
      Jun 3
    • Axtria DesiLaunda
      Listen to Verizon Media guy. Been through this.
      Jun 6
  • Google watchfb
    What's your option? I ask this to understand how orthodox your parents are.
    Jun 2 8
    • Microsoft Nnnnnnnn34
      What’s ur age op ? Till 27 they will be stubborn, 27-29 you will get chance to choose , and if you Delay until 31 soon your parents will be like marry any one ( make sure it’s a girl ) lol . Worked for all my indian friends
      Jun 2
    • F5 Networks / Eng h689qbQ75
      OP
      Both of us are 28. Is our only option delaying now? :o
      Jun 2
    • Airbnb kYFK02
      What ^^ said. If you are too much of a wimp to solve the problem yourself, age will solve it for you

      Lol caste and horoscope match. The faster these beliefs die out the better
      Jun 2
    • Capital One
      thickmama1

      Capital One

      BIO
      Woman struggling to pass interviews
      thickmama1more
      Sounds like a Leo and a water sign 💦 if you ask me.

      Read: crying baby.
      Jun 3
    • PayPal gtrx
      Get a baby
      Jun 3
  • New slang
    Blood is thicker than water. I'd listen to what your parents say. They have more experience since they've already been through a marriage and they know what it's like.
    Jun 3 6
    • Apple industry
      The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. Don’t mind your parents. Go ahead and marry.
      Jun 3
    • F5 Networks / Eng h689qbQ75
      OP
      My parents fight daily. Shows that same caste and good horoscope match doesn't suffice.
      Jun 3
    • Apple industry
      Ditch the same caste and horoscope shit and go do it. Come back and report to us.
      Jun 3
    • F5 Networks / Eng h689qbQ75
      OP
      Yes, sir!
      Jun 3
    • Amazon dibbledopp
      My parents fought often when I was a kid - they still do sometimes. I thought I’d learned a thing or two from that and I’d be a better partner and won’t be in a dysfunctional relationship. Wishful thinking.

      Doesn’t matter whose fault it is - wife and I have so many incompatibilities and fights that result from that. Problem is that Indian parents think that it’s perfectly normal to have an abusive relationship and that’s how life is. What they don’t realize how much fun life could be if the spouses love each other and don’t bicker like dogs
      Jun 6
  • Discover Financial Services qwerty-/:
    If I was in your situation and if my parents have made lot of sacrifices for me , I would choose my parents.

    Unlike parents, GF/BF come and go and relationships are overrated.
    Jun 2 2
    • Chase / IT OmmE52
      Agreed.
      Jun 2
    • Bloomberg errors
      I hope you don’t have a SO. If You were my SO, I would have left you after reading your comment.

      You basically only believe in documented marriage. Your SO is a part of your life and important to you only if it’s on paper and you are officially married else they are just like a bus which will come and go and you can take another one so no worries if you guys breakup.

      If you have a kid, he/she will be posting the same questions here after few years and you will be that orthodox parent.
      Jun 3
  • Oath Atinlay2
    🙄
    Jun 2 2
    • F5 Networks / Eng h689qbQ75
      OP
      Thanks.
      Jun 2
    • Flagged by the community.

  • Facebook esketitt
    🙄
    Jun 2 1
  • Oracle iwantfang
    Both my parents did not agree and did not attend my marriage. An year after marriage they started taking to us. My parents love my kid and my wife now. It’s been 9 years.
    Jun 2 2
    • F5 Networks / Eng h689qbQ75
      OP
      Wow! It's so good to hear this. Reinforces my strength. Happy for you both and your families.

      How did you get your wife's family to agree for the wedding and how did the wedding happen when your parents were against it?
      Jun 2
    • Oracle iwantfang
      Those two years of convincing were the most stressful years in my life. I had to travel to India several times to convince the parents on both sides. We are both Telugu speaking (Telangana/Andhra) but are from different castes. My wife parents were more understanding (they knew she wouldn’t listen to them anyways lol) and eventually agreed but they didn’t like me. My parents are very traditional and tried all sorts of emotional blackmails. They asked for all the horoscope crap but I did not give them any of those details. After waiting for approval from both sides for a long time, we told both sides we are marrying and sent them the wedding invitation.
      Jun 2
  • Lyft hdhsb
    My brother went thru the same shit. My mother said "Only way you can marry that girl is by walking over my dead body". SIL's dad was also adamant. My brother was very firm - "I'll marry the love of my life no matter what. I'm not begging you guys. I'm just requesting you to be okay with it so that things are smooth"

    No one relented. My brother and SIL went for a registered marriage without inviting anyone in the family.

    My mom and SIL's dad went hysterical for almost a year.

    2 years passed. Brother had a kid. Everyone fell in line. My mom was very happy to play with the kid.

    It's been more than 12 years now. Everyone is happy. Though SIL's dad is still grumpy. But no one cares.

    Bottomline: Most parent's threats are hollow and it's just like a typical negotiation. They just want to pressurise you into giving up. Be firm. Don't beg. Go thru crazy for 1-2 years. After that everyone will fall in line, especially when they see the grand kids.

    Again, don't beg. It shows you are the weaker party in the negotiation. Don't get"oh-my-dear-parents" emotional. Be logical and win the negotiation.
    Jun 2 2
    • Lyft hdhsb
      My brother and SIL are stronger because of this. Both of them never gave up on one another however strong the family blackmail was and that has built a very strong foundation for their relationship.
      Jun 2
    • F5 Networks / Eng h689qbQ75
      OP
      Thank you for sharing this story! I'm very firm with my parents too. And, have told that I'm marrying my SO no matter what.

      It's almost dramatic, my dad tell - "Do what you want, I won't attend the wedding". I was hoping to make them all agree and have a peaceful wedding.

      It's amazing that your brother and SIL had the courage to do this 12 year ago. So happy for them both!

      I've been going crazy for 2 years and have been trying to get them to agree. I'm not willing to give up. But, both me and my SO don't have a lot of time to just keep pushing this fight. And, age is not our friend either.

      Really hoping my dad agrees soon. Or else have to marry against their will.
      Jun 2
  • Intel eKPG80
    Here's the thing.

    If you and your current SO don't work out in marriage, you will pay the penalty yourself.

    However, if you marry someone that your parent wants you to marry, and IF (god forbid it happens) things don't work out and if you get divorced, who's going to pay the penalty? Your parents won't take responsibility to pay the penalty will they?

    I know this because I am also from an Asian background (East asian). Asian parents say this and that but when things go south, they keep their mouth shut and all they do is cry and lament. If they are confronted with their choice of decision they merely say "I didn't know this would happen, and as a parent I wanted the best for you". Ha. Very easy to escape the pain huh? 100% of the penalty is paid by you. Will they pay the penalty in monetary form? Will they pay the penalty by canceling the marriage that existed? No! right?

    This is the selfish irresponsible behavior present in many asian parents now days. You will hear "I have raised you, fed you, and worked hard for you and hence I have the right to interfere in your life". But serioulsy, isn't that really the duty of every parent? If you look at the western parents they "feed their kids, work hard for their kids, and raised their kids" but they are not bossy with their kids. That is because western parents RESPECTS their kids. Again I am east asian and I see that many asian parents are VERY irresponsible when it comes to controlling their kids
    Jun 2 2
    • F5 Networks / Eng h689qbQ75
      OP
      You've a fair point, seen this happen too many times.

      I know my parents don't want to ruin my life, I understand they only want the best. But, they don't know me well or understand my personal life enough to control this choice of mine.

      If things don't work out in marriage and it was my decision, I can atleast own my mistakes and not blame on someone.
      Jun 2
    • Verizon Media sxSG85
      What are you doing? Destroying all the arguments by stating facts... smh
      Jun 3
  • Amazon jQpf16
    As an Indian I can tell you this much.If you are so desperate for parental approval and are still harping on caste and horoscope your education has failed you. Your SO is probaby better off with a man who will marry her whatever the circumstances. in your case it seems you just dont have the balls to do what is right. sorry for the hard serve
    Jun 3 1
    • F5 Networks / Eng h689qbQ75
      OP
      No worries for the hard serve. You've made a few incorrect assumption.

      I'm willing to marry her whatever the circumstances. I never said no to this.

      I'm definitely desperate for parents approval because I didn't want to burn relationships. And, it's worth convincing parents, they've worked hard to get me to where I am. Having their support here, will be a bonus.

      We could have eloped and married long time back, we both are not considering that as a goto option. No honor in using that as a first step.

      I don't give a rat's ass for caste and horoscope, I'm trying to make my parents understand that.

      I wouldn't be fighting for my SO if I cared about all the BS.
      Jun 3
  • LinkedIn HATK64
    Fuck 'em. What's the big deal ?
    They pick your socks too every morning ?
    Jun 2 2
    • F5 Networks / Eng h689qbQ75
      OP
      Are you from India?
      Jun 2
    • Intel D’s🥜
      They are going to die one day and you will be left with the consequences of your own actions.
      Jun 4
  • priceline.com / Eng vwvw
    I think it’s a norm in india, ur parents choose whom u gonna fuck the rest of your life 🤣. I guess it takes a generation for that to change
    Jun 2 1
    • F5 Networks / Eng h689qbQ75
      OP
      Will take more than a generation. A lot of fucked up orthodox people out there.
      Jun 2
  • New / R&D
    Raptors🦖

    New R&D

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    May I ask which religion they belong to? I mean your significant other and your parents?
    Jun 2 5
    • F5 Networks / Eng h689qbQ75
      OP
      All of us are Hindus.
      Jun 2
    • New / R&D
      Raptors🦖

      New R&D

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      Raptors🦖more
      If religion or, culture is not the clashing factor don't you worry at all. They will come around.
      Jun 2
    • F5 Networks / Eng h689qbQ75
      OP
      But, our castes are different. The whole upper and lower caste sham.
      Jun 2
    • New / R&D
      Raptors🦖

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      Same happened with one of my friends. They got married in secret and had kids and his parents came running back.

      This is just temporary.
      Jun 2
    • F5 Networks / Eng h689qbQ75
      OP
      Ah! Thanks for telling me that :)
      Jun 2
  • Bloomberg errors
    That’s why I say that no love is unconditional. Indian parents love their kids but with conditions. They want them to act like their puppet. They want them to pursue the profession that society accepts, marry a girl they choose, have kids when they wants and the count is also decided by them.

    Say if you will marry a girl of their choice(Assuming you are a boy) and then they will force you for a baby. And you somehow will forget your true love and start having a good relationship with your new wife and unfortunately she will have some medical condition and won’t be able to be a mother then your parents will again force you to divorce her and marry someone else because they need a grandchildren that too a boy to carry their name. So they will keep forcing you to do stuff until unless all their needs are met. Are you ready to do all this?
    If you can’t fight now then you will never be able to fight for anything in your life. Also, did you ask their permission before saying “I Love you” to your SO? If not then why does your love need a permission now?

    I am in same situation. My SO is of different cast and I know my family won’t agree to that. But I have already made up my mind that I will try to convince them but if they won’t agree(99% chances of that) then I and my SO will just get married without them. If they can’t see my pain and the fucking society is more important than my love and happiness then I believe I have the right to be selfish sometime and think about my happiness.
    Jun 3 1
    • F5 Networks / Eng h689qbQ75
      OP
      I hate it but have to unfortunately agree that this is similar to the behavior of my parents. They feel everything what they're doing is for us, but, they fail to realize if that is what we actually want.

      I'm ready to fight this through and just accept the fact that my parents might never agree. I just wanted to spend all my effort to convince them before I take any drastic steps.

      When you say fuck this shit and I'm marrying my SO no matter what, you're at the risk of losing your relationship with them, SO will always become the bad person to my family and vice versa.

      Trying to bridge this gap but if all things fail, I'll have to do whatever it takes. No other option left.
      Jun 3
  • Twitter chutya
    Don’t listen to your parents. They will come around. Then they will ask you to have kids. Don’t listen to them again.
    Jun 2 6
    • Twitter chutya
      Skip all those things. The most important thing you have now is that you get along with your SO. That is a great start. Life is long. You take personal responsibility and handle your own shit, even when it hits the fan.
      Jun 2
    • F5 Networks / Eng h689qbQ75
      OP
      Yeah. Agreed. But, should I just throw in the towel and be like hey parents, you're not agreeing and I'm marrying my SO. Do whatever you want?
      Jun 2
    • Twitter chutya
      Yes, but no need to be rude to anyone or ask them to do whatever they want. Simply do your own thing. In this case you are doing the opposite of throwing in the towel. Indian parents like to have too much control over their kids lives.
      Jun 2
    • F5 Networks / Eng h689qbQ75
      OP
      Doing my own thing essentially means for me to marry my SO against their will. Doing this definitely rude from their perspective, no?
      Jun 2
    • Twitter chutya
      No. Not necessarily. They have their hooks in you.
      Jun 2
  • Google / Eng Bluths
    I took my white girlfriend home this time with me. It was hard, but turned out okay. I am lucky that my parents, while initially not comfortable with the idea, understand that it is my life and my decision.

    If your parents are not mature enough to understand that, there is not much you can do. Just don’t promise your SO something if you can’t deliver on it.
    Jun 2 3
    • F5 Networks / Eng h689qbQ75
      OP
      Happy for you!

      I've promised my SO. But, never knew my parents would be this stubborn.
      Jun 2
    • Google / Eng Bluths
      If you have already made promises, it’s time to man up and deliver.
      Jun 2
    • F5 Networks / Eng h689qbQ75
      OP
      Yes, trying to do the same and hoping to ease the friction between two families by convincing my parents.
      Jun 2
  • New VFcO68
    There are two ways for this IMO: first talk to parents and tell them seriously your wishes, after all we are in 2019, they may listen. Second option is to divorce yourself from them, get marry then comeback 5 years after you married, maybe by then they will assimilate things?
    Jun 2 3
    • F5 Networks / Eng h689qbQ75
      OP
      Been talking to them about this for a couple of years very seriously. They're not willing to get their thoughts upgraded to 2019.

      I'm just worried about a few things to do the second option and wanted to see if someone has actually experienced the second one.
      Jun 2
    • Societe Generale
      okay12

      Societe Generale

      PRE
      IBM, Ericsson
      okay12more
      Tell them life is too short for this drama. If it's religion your parents are not accepting then take them to a counselor.. talk it out.
      Jun 2
    • F5 Networks / Eng h689qbQ75
      OP
      It's not religion. It's a caste. But, yeah, similar to religious belief.

      Indian parents never go to a counselor. They go to an astrologer for mumbo jumbo. Wish I could just take them to an actual counselor.
      Jun 2
  • Amazon dibbledopp
    Horoscope and caste are useless. Arranged marriage - Wife and I were matched on all - societal status, caste, education and horoscope. Got married - never a match as couple. We’ve been trying to match for 6 years since and we’re at a point of seeking counseling.

    Knowing my parents would never agree to something like this, I never had a relationship. My parents realize that they’re not happy with the daughter-in-law they found for me. She’s not that friendly with them either. But they wouldn’t admit it ever. They’re part of the generation that still sees love marriages are taboo.

    If your parents worry is how are they going to answer to all the relatives and society - tell them no one’s going to think about you or how you were married 3 months after it happens. If you believe your SO is respectful to your parents and would respect their boundaries and be a good part of family, you should get married (assuming you’ve talked about everything between yourselves and you’re still wanting to move forward).
    Jun 6 1
    • F5 Networks / Eng h689qbQ75
      OP
      I'm sorry that you're going through a tough time. It's stupid to consider horoscope predicts the future.

      My close cousin got arrange married and their horoscope was a perfect match. But, they've just constantly fought and are at the verge of divorce.

      I don't get it why my parents still care about horoscopes after knowing this.

      My SO respects my parents, family a lot. I'm very confident that we will be able to work through the details.
      Jun 6
  • Microsoft PfrI37
    Keep your parents happy
    Jun 2 5
    • F5 Networks / Eng h689qbQ75
      OP
      If that entails leaving my SO. Hell naaaw.

      Trying to find a middle ground here.
      Jun 2
    • New / R&D
      Raptors🦖

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      You have your answer then.
      Jun 2
    • Verizon Media sxSG85
      You don't have a middle ground here if it's already 2 years and trying. I tell you this from experience just that in my case my ex gf's parents were like yours. We literally floated the relationship in "complicated" status for more than a year due to this. In the end, she decided she couldn't go through with it. Don't keep things in the default mode.
      Jun 3
    • F5 Networks / Eng h689qbQ75
      OP
      You're right about the "complicated" status.

      The reason I'm not pushing too aggressively is because I thought time will fix things. Giving them enough time to accept the reality and understand that I'm not willing to give up.

      But I feel keeping it in this stage much longer is of no use. And, I may have to start taking aggresive steps.
      Jun 3
    • Verizon Media sxSG85
      Seriously, I feel you when you say that time will fix things but put a deadline ( discuss with your SO ) on things. Your parents are who they are. I get it. I and ex went through this whole ritual about "changing" their mindset multiple times. My ex even went in a bad depression because of all of this but father managed to hold her emotionally hostage in the end.
      You will only be able to beat them into acceptance. The important point here though is, are you okay with seeing your parents go through that hurt? That is totally your call. I am no one to judge if it would be right or wrong. Discuss this question with your SO ( because in my case, I was the one in your SO's position ) - Will she be okay living in an awkward family dynamic for as long as it takes for your parents to come around if that ever happens.
      Discuss this. I had to have multiple difficult conversations with my ex. Do not base your decision on an assumption that you live in the US and would barely have to put up with the family drama once or twice a year, especially if you are on a visa. Things change. You may have to return to your hometown/state. Your marriage will look a lot different than what it would be here. Ask your SO if she is okay with all of that. I am not discouraging you but giving you an alternate point of view. I hate families interfering in a married couple's life but at the same time, I learned it the hard way that only love is not enough to get by in life. Do not remain in limbo and make your decision wisely. Good luck
      Jun 3
  • Apple industry
    I know a friend who did this. Orthodox parents immediately disowned him. Be careful.
    Jun 3 3
    • New / R&D
      🦇_man

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      He's an independent adult. Doesn't matter if they do lol
      Jun 3
    • Apple industry
      Right, but it messed him up pretty bad.
      Jun 3
    • F5 Networks / Eng h689qbQ75
      OP
      Wiling to take that risk if there's no other option left.
      Jun 3