Me and my wife both are working professionals in our early 30s. Both of us have very hectic job roles, we have a 3.5 yr old daughter and contemplating if we should have a 2nd kid. Both of us are on H1B visa with GC pending.
What will be the cost of raising 2 kids. What other factors do we need to consider?
My points are - do we have a second kid and compromise on everything right from schooling or have just one and keep her happy?
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0 people care about the jobs they took or kids they DIDN'T have when they are on their deathbed.
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Both my husband and I have careers we knew we both wanted to maintain but we were open to having one or two. Two was my preference, one was his - we decided from the beginning that we'd have one and then decide. I had a hard time getting pregnant, a high risk pregnancy and then I suffered from postpartum depression. My daughter is neuroatypical - she's amazingly brilliant but it's a whole lot harder raising her. I think she'd *enjoy* having a sibling but I know what I'm capable of and I think she gets a better mother being an only child. I can't wrap my head around what it would be like for her and my husband if I were out of commission due to another rough pregnancy or depression. I think my husband could manage a second one but I just don't think I'd be capable of it.
So for me, I choose to stop at 1 because I see my own capability, my daughter's needs and my husband's preference. Those things compel me to feel happy and complete with my family the way it is. Maybe it's selfish and maybe she'll resent me when she's older because she's an only child but ultimately I hope she realizes we made the best decisions we could with what we had.
Kudos
For example, my daughter is highly verbal but her pragmatic speech suffers so she struggles socially. My goal in speech therapy is not to "fix" the part of my daughter's brain that impairs pragmatic speech but rather to give her enough skills that we can compensate for it.
She's a legitimate genius and will do great things. If any therapist ever suggested we "correct" that, I'd find a new therapist. It's exhausting and uses up every bit of my mental and physical energy but my goal is to simply help her with skills other children develop naturally so she can function comfortably.
L6 PM 250k
I kinda want too. But then again my experience during my vasectomy surgery was not fun. So I am torn.
Also what makes you think that a stay-at-home parent raising a child is better for the child than the child learning how to socially interact with their peers and being taught by a trained and certified professional?
The planet doesn’t care if you have another kid because it is an inanimate object without consciousness.
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It's the best decision we made. Now we look at all 1-kid families and we think of them as incomplete (don't take it personally please). 2 is definitely, definitely better than 1. Changes the whole family dynamic in very interesting ways.
So, highly recommend your revisit your decision.
If you can amply provide for two kids - I'd do two. If you only have resources for one - stick to one. Quality over quantity
2 is significantly harder for the father in most families - just during pregnancy you will pick up more responsibilities, then your wife will be exhausted the first year (obviously generalizing gender roles in child responsibilities like feeding / waking in the night).
Have as many kids as you can within the constraint of being the best parent you can be. Being a good parent helps make the world a little bit better place to live.
Also, no two kids are identical. It’s nice to have 2 from the point of view that it’s fun to see the difference in personalities.
Other than that, 2 kids is definitely more expensive and much harder if you don’t have family to help you out; may take a toll on the relationship with your partner and your careers as well as could be really challenging emotionally, as you pretty much give up your personal freedom. However, if the kids are close in age they can become best friends if you make sure they both get even attention and love, but as some mentioned here, having a sibling doesn’t auto qualify for sibling=friend for life.
It depends, it all depends on how well the parents do their job and on the immediate environment the kids grew up in.
Not expected to raise your kids with all the comforts , don’t take that pressure . You are expected to raise kids with good values to be on their own and be responsible citizens . That does not cost you money , that costs you to spare some time and give love ...
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I had 3 kids, in the end. I work in tech, as an Eng/Arch.
I had them younger. It was harder. But I am not yet 55 and my youngest is off to LMU.
Everyone is different. Whatever you do, don’t let cynicism drive your decision, let love do it, and understand it’s not a “transactional relationship”...between you and more kids, your current and future kids...or your spouse. Money is secondary or tertiary at best, and if you are in “the Business” as others have pointed out, you’ve got plenty of it. :)
They take care of each other
Having 2 is expensive. People keep saying economics of scale kicks in but that would be limited to very few things. Not to mention the time and energy you have to put in. Not saying you can't have 2 but having it just so the other 1 has company is a very short-sighted reason.
Also OP, blind isn't a place to ask people if you are supposed to fuck your wife without protection. Keep that shit on some sub-reddit thread meant for it where you'll get actual good opinions.
Forget cost when comparing 1-2. If you want the kind of family life 2 (or 3, or 4, etc) kids brings, a carefully considered approach can give them similar excellent opportunities. It’s going to cost a lot more, but you can also start to save in some ways by bringing multiple kids to the table. If you’re looking st private schooling and tutoring, most are willing to negotiate lower overall fees for someone sending more than one child through. That’s part of how they strengthen their pipelines. Also, you’ll spend more time raising multiples than a single kid. But you also have the opportunity to build a robust family unit that operates as a support structure in the way that a single-child-family often isn’t.
Siblings can have a tremendous positive effect on each other with proper parenting and some luck. If siblings learn how to interact with one another, build relationships, trust, and strategize for long repeating games in a healthy manner than siblings provide excellent early practice. That said, there are plenty of destructive ways to raise kids like forcing an atmosphere of unhealthy competition, showing favoritism or conditional love, etc. that can make the sibling relationship a detriment.
I’ll tell you how I see it. My kids are pretty close. I teach the 5-year-old piano. He learns that song or skill, then he immediately turns and teaches it to his 3-year-old brother, who then tries to teach it to the 1-year-old. That greatly strengthens their skills and creates a culture of learning and feedback loop of educational reinforcement. This has worked exceptionally well with their French and Spanish. It’s with pride and amusement that I listen to the 5-year-old drill his siblings.
No, they’re not interested in all the same stuff, and it doesn’t work for everything. But at an early age they’re mostly interested in what their parents are interested in and what their older siblings are interested in, so as long as you prime the oldest to be interested and involved in the baby, it usually works out well.
Additionally think of moving out of bay area. More affordable to raise two kids in a different state
Also FYI, me and my wife have discussed this.
Friend has a dad who is a non-tech worker, mom is stay at home mom. Summary of dads work is small biz (a corner store etc) and driving trucks.
Total kids: 7
And the parents don't even have college degrees
The kids are happy and healthy and going into medicine, law, (two oldest so far), etc.
This paranoia about cost is short-sighted. If someone without a college degree making <100k/year can handle 7 kids, you princes in your golden castle tech jobs can handle 3 lmao, blind is such an echo chamber
Kids can get by happy and healthy playing with cardboard boxes, clothes from Ross and used sports equipment. Oh and you don’t have to pay for their college.
I would suggest one of you change jobs to an easier job though. Good luck!