“Being aggressive” as a woman
As a product manager, I am typically in meetings where the men are pounding their fists on the table. Yet, when I try to “be heard” by mimicking them I am told that I come across as “aggressive”. I am curious to hear feedback from other women. How do deal with aggressive male culture without fighting for a chance to just speak up and at times, this could just mean raising your voice to be heard?
I am a man and I don’t pound my fist. I don’t need to. Be firm, be precise and share your critical thought process for each comment or decision you make. If you make sense (are coherent) people will agree or follow, if not they will call you out even after you pound your fist.
What if you are in a room full of men actively taking turns to talk and just to start speaking is a challenge? Forget “being heard”... that’s a whole different challenge in itself.
You could just play a game in the other direction. When the men get aggressive with loud voices and pounding start making comments like Loudest words have the least real content. You use volume for emphasis. Getting angry is more like being in highschool. Can't articulate what you mean. Aggression means you take the other person's comments personally. It's not professional. I've had several men as managers in the past make these types of comments, and have also experienced women leaders/managers not necessarily my own say similar. It's uncool to lose your cool, especially in a business setting. This flips the script on men. The older they are the more effective, since they really reflect on not looking "wise" when they are overly upset.
Excellent points here. Pointed questions can be far more effective than going agro. Also, often times the people most quiet have the best feedback.
I doubt it's because you are a woman. Be confident in what you say/do and people will listen. No need to be smack your fist.
Being aggressive in meetings for showing confidence and excitement is not a good thing, it won’t impress the ace people in a top tier team. I agree there’s bias against women in doing this. But in the high tech world, which are mostly run by nerds and introverts, those gorilla behaviors are gradually being more and more frowned upon. So, why develop that dying skill. Instead try to acquire mastery in modest, polite (not cutting off others) and non violent ways of communicating. Be confident and assertive. In case of interruption politely but firmly ask, “can I complete my sentence please?” This will work like a slap and I can assure you next time people will think twice before being rude when you start speaking. Written comm is also more durable, concise, and can even be more visible (you can include higher ups, and others who couldn’t be in meetings). You’ll often find that those aggressive dudes will back off at the prospect of writing something instead of table pounding. Hope this helps.
I like my women aggressive in bed and kind of go animal. On a serious note, as previous poster said, the world will need more and more empathy in jobs in education and healthcare, so woman should have an advantage.
I found that a couple of things work: 1) stay and talk calm; it’s really hard when atmosphere is going wild and loud, but take deep breaths; 2) lower your voice - there are great studies on impact of lowering your voice during arguments; 3) when you got a chance to talk be specific and on point; 4) try not to end your speech with open question but rather with something that is common across yours and their arguments; like “I think we all agree that in the end our goal is __”. Little trick. I’ve been in a meetings where men were loud and aggressive, acting like gorillas; it might seems that it’s hard to be heard if you are different. What I know is trying to mimic them does not work at all, but be calm, direct, on point, and support your arguments with data work. Try not to rush through your speech, but also not make pauses, and try to lower your voice. Hope that helps.
This is good advice OP.
Not taking pauses is great advice. I feel when I finally get my turn to speak, I am on a race to end my sentence. Not accounting for the times you get cut off in the middle, after all that waiting. “Er... Umm... let me...” Sigh!
Desks at Intel were designed so you couldn’t take a swing at someone on the other side. If someone was pounding their fists on a table I’d get up and walk out of the meeting. Red mist input isn’t valuable
Don’t do it. I did it once (very mild compared to my male counterparts) and immediately labeled as “emotional”. I was then told “there is no place for emotion in the workplace”, never mind that some of my coworkers threaten to beat up each other.
^^this
20+ years in PM and exec product roles. Started at MS in 1988. The only company where I've seen fist pounding to be heard is MS. You might enjoy life better outside that company.
I was at yahoo in early days. Men swore at each other like crazy.
No intention to minimize your issue but have you considered maybe has to do with pm and not being woman? I don't want no male or female pm going aggro especially if I'm pounding fists probably already means the pm isn't listening / has created a mountain of a mole hole / is holding up everyone in a meeting that could have been an email / has no clue what their words will entail.. Again possible it has to do with being woman but also consider this.
No, this has been studied and well documented. Men are viewed positively when they take aggressive actions, for example swearing. Women are viewed negatively. This is unconscious bias.
Hm, almost every time an issue like this is raised, there’s a reply confounding it to other factors. OP, let’s say it is as you describe it, I recommend staying as firm and assertive without coming across as confrontational. In this case, if you ever find yourself raising your voice or sounding in general too aggressive or directing it at someone, try to dial it back. Men and women I’ve observed who successfully assert themselves do it without making anyone feel attacked. It’s quite hard when you disagree with someone, especially if not being heard already generates frustration. In general, try not to use ‘you’ in an aggressive manner and remain very calm. Even lighten the mood a little. After all, it’s work and nothing personal. Men who come across as too aggressive aren’t well perceived either, but perhaps people find it too intimidating to point it out to them :/ Also, I’ve noticed that people who speak in a high pitched voice can be perceived as very young or meek. This is probably a dumb biological thing.