Relationships

Changing friends too quickly

Dec 3

I realized that at any point in time, the people I am in touch with have only been with me for a short while.

Of all the people I am currently talking to (4-5 on a regular basis), the longest I have known someone is 4 months. This has always been the case. I tend to change friends too quickly and too often. They quickly become my closest buddies but then after some time the contact fades away (no apparent reason). And then I move on to new friends. I can always get in touch with my old friends and they respond well, but somehow I haven't carried forward any friendships, with regular touch, for more than a few months.

Is this normal? Or do you tend to be associated with fewer people but carry their friendship (be in regular touch) over years?

comments

Add a comment
  • Microsoft / MgmtHshd
    It happend to me my entire life and then I realized that it was MY FAULT. Keeping friends is an effort, you have to ping them frequently, care about them, invite them to do things together like shopping something that both need, watch games, going for the new restaurant that just opened and you want to try, offer help when they move out etc.

    If you’re ok with the way it is now, no problem, but if you want to change it, start by pinging friends and inviting for doing something this weekend :)
    Dec 31
    • OP
      Thank you. Yes I think I don't make the effort to stay in touch with them or just call them for no reason. I will try to be more active.
      Dec 3
  • Amazon / EngAm A Bot
    It’s not normal. It’s fairly common for friendships from past jobs not to last. But if you’re re-making friends every 4 months or so, something is wrong. Honestly, it takes that long just to really get to know someone. By the time that happens you’ve already moved on. All I can think is WTF...
    Dec 31
    • OP
      Yes I realized I don't carry friendships with me. I build an initial bond with people very quickly but then i don't stay in regular touch with them. I was not sure if this is normal.
      Dec 4
  • Juniper jBOW63
    Friends come and go. I experienced the same thing. I don’t believe in having a close or best friend.
    Dec 30
  • Google oioioioio
    4 months is pretty quick, what tends to change?
    Dec 33
    • OP
      I tend to make friends quick but I also get bored with people very quickly.

      If you saw me talking to a new person, after an hour people would actually mistake us for being very good friends. So we have good conversations, we go out a few times, and then I just like my own time. I am very comfortable being by myself. I hardly contact them again and start saying no to plans. Because I have already got bored of them and want my own time.

      So at any point in time, I only have people around me that I have known for a few months. I may know people for years but the phase of staying in touch with them is pretty short.
      Dec 4
    • Google oioioioio
      I think you need to either add something or remove something.

      * Remove something *
      - Do you keep your walls up? I find it hard to progress friendships if the other person won’t let me get to know them deeper. Slowly progressing vulnerability helps create a lasting friend. This doesn’t have to be all the time, and you don’t need to share your whole life story.
      - When you think “so
      and so is boring”, is this when you are with them or when you are away from them? I have noticed that I can feel differently about someone when I am with them vs away from them. Maybe these perceptions need to be questioned. If you met up and went out, you might actually have fun.

      * Add something *
      okay so you value “fun”. There’s different kinds of fun that you can have within a friendship:
      - personal growth
      - professional growth
      - working together through a challenging phase of life that you’re both in, and helping each other towards triumph
      - exploration of the world, enjoyment spending time doing new things
      - mutual interests and enjoyment of time spent together
      - emotional support
      - a creative or an inspiring friend, someone that energizes you when you share stories
      - other things??

      Maybe you can identify which one or two of these categories can apply to a person, and try to get to know them in one of these dimensions and see if there is chemistry there. Then you’ll know how to direct your conversations and time so that you can have more fun.
      Dec 4
    • OP
      Very good points. Thanks a lot for that detailed response.

      - I usually do not keep my walls up. I am comfortable talking about anything under the sun, if I have some knowledge about it. Even deeper conversations are fine with me.

      - I mostly don't feel bored when I am with them. I enjoy the time exploring places. But when I am away from them, I get too comfortable with myself that I hardly take the initiative to contact them again. Also, I can't spend a lot of time with them. A few hours is ok like meeting for dinner or movie. But spending all day with friends is not something I look forward to.

      - I don't think the problem is conversation. I can have good conversations with people but I just get bored of people so easily and I love staying by myself so much that I hardly make the effort to be in touch. Again, being bored of people doesn't mean not good conversation, it just means you don't feel like contacting them again or asking them out for a plan. I have had good conversations over the phone and have declined their offer to meet for dinner few days/weeks later.

      While typing all this, I realized maybe I just need to make plans with them more often so I stay in touch with them. I will definitely keep your pointers about the kind of friendship in mind.
      Dec 4
  • Shutterstock tc?ok:gtfo
    Location?
    Dec 33
    • OP
      Currently in NYC. But location doesn't matter, it has always been the case.
      Dec 3
    • Shutterstock tc?ok:gtfo
      You good.
      Dec 3
    • OP
      I don't think location has a role to play in my specific case.
      Dec 3
  • Facebook I_H_C
    Are these friends you meet at work? Coworkers come and go pretty frequently and I don’t think it’s uncommon to fall out of touch when one of you moves. For friends from outside of work (like college friends) in my experience people tend to stay friends for a while
    Dec 41
    • OP
      Good point.

      I usually don't hang out with my coworkers. My friends are from my grad school, people I met at clubs or dating apps, friends of friends, etc.

      I fall out of touch with people really quickly.

      Earlier this year, I was talking frequently to a few people whom I had only known for a few months. In the summer months, I made new friends and got out of touch with the ones I was talking to earlier this year. Currently, I am talking to a few people and I haven't known any of them for over 3 months. I am pretty sure 6 months from now, I will have a completely new set of friends.
      Dec 4
  • Facebook neverGiveU
    But do you have a girlfriend?
    Dec 41
  • Facebook neverGiveU
    Have the same problem!
    Dec 31
  • Verizon / DesignSnoopDoge
    I believe this is a natural part of life. As life evolves you evolve as a person so does your friends. People change, people develop different interests and motivations in life. There are certain people who used to be good friends back in high school but I cannot relate to them anymore because we are having totally different life trajectories.
    Dec 30

Download the app for more exclusive content.