I met a really nice guy yesterday on a first date, who makes around 1/3 my salary. He's physically fit and handsome and kind. He was very affectionate to my doggie. I felt attracted to his kindness.
He's in his 40s, 7 years older than me, lives with roommates, is maybe 2-3 levels below me seniority wise. I don't think he has assets, and also didn't seem to have very many passions outside of work.
Honestly, I don't really care about this but I am concerned that he'll be insecure in the future. I mean, I rent my own place, will be buying end of year in Bay area, have property back home, make 3x his income, more travelled, cook amazing food and am more situated professionally. I tried to play down all this so that he doesn't feel insecure.
Should I continue this? How do I bring up these conversations earlier on so that it does not add to everyone's grief at a later stage?
It's so hard to find men who want to settle down in the bay area within couple of years that anyone half decent who doesn't proposition me just for sex seems like a great idea.
I'm 34 if that counts.
- Chase zxxi24You've mentioned 3 times that you make 3 times his salary. You sound insecure like you have something to prove...except you don't b/c nobody cares how much you make
- It was very awkward. I invited him home and he asked how much do I pay for rent. The facial expression after that showed surprise. I knew it was something he couldn't afford. I don't want someone who dates me to feel less than me. I mentioned it because I feel that this might come up in big ways and I want to figure how to deal with it preemptively.
- Hmm, the most important thing to find out is if he’s actually only driven by needs, if he doesnt want things because he cant afford is different from he doesnt care to afford things he doesnt find meaningful, so you’re the better judge of what he’s driven by in life. If he wants to enjoy the little things so he isnt driven to get a better house/pay, its understandable, but if he wants everything but isnt smart enough to get it, then you’d have issues because he would want to drive you to buy things he finds interesting that might really bother you
- Tesla HdhagaPlease don’t be embarrassed or down play what you have or what you have accomplished. That very act, if he suspects that’s what you are doing, is going to be what makes him feel insecure and incompetent in the end since you felt the need to go out of your way to downplay and hide. If you are upfront about it, and he ends up feeling insecure, then that’s a problem with him, and not with you. If you aren’t upfront about it, then that’s a problem with you and not him.
- eBay funny howI think it’s not really about money, though 1/3rd salary and living with roommates at 40+ is a bit too much for me, but what this also tells is that there could be a big intellect difference between you two. Do you have things in common to talk about and common interests?
- I guess this is one of the things I'm worried about. Under normal circumstances I would have passed this guy up, but I guess something about him screams kindness and ability to take care of me emotionally, so I'm leaning towards giving him a chance and going on few more dates.
But yeah, I did feel an intellectual gap.
- I mean even 1/3 your salary puts him at like 130 TC , which by all means is a reasonable salary. You’re just a baller!
- Facebook / Eng5'6"IndianAre you apprehensive because you're expected to "marry up"?
Also, serious question: How tall is he?
I seem to tick all your boxes except possibly height/race
- Lol. Are you the real 5'6'' Indian?
No I'm not apprehensive. I just want to address the elephant in the room as early as possible. These things are best addressed soon so everyone can be at peace.
From what everyone's replied I'm just going to take it slow and wait and see how he is.
Also, I don't have boxes such as height and race. Lol. Just attraction and that isn't highly correlated with either.
- Intel / EngDonaldDD'sI'm very surprised you wouldn't consider going on a 2nd or 3rd date. And PLEASE GREAT SPAGHETTI GOD don't bring up marriage and ultimatums of long term relationships yet. Enjoy the moment and find if there is compatibility. One step at a time.
I would say that you need to determine what priority you really have. If he has little money, wouldn't he have traveled less? If he has less money, doesn't he need to budget instead of buy a bunch of items and pay entrance money to have "hobbies"
Just keep waiting for "the one". You're only 34 after all....might as well keep waiting for the perfect person who is better than you at everything. /s