Continue or not?

Salesforce sorbet
Mar 12 48 Comments

I met a really nice guy yesterday on a first date, who makes around 1/3 my salary. He's physically fit and handsome and kind. He was very affectionate to my doggie. I felt attracted to his kindness.

He's in his 40s, 7 years older than me, lives with roommates, is maybe 2-3 levels below me seniority wise. I don't think he has assets, and also didn't seem to have very many passions outside of work.

Honestly, I don't really care about this but I am concerned that he'll be insecure in the future. I mean, I rent my own place, will be buying end of year in Bay area, have property back home, make 3x his income, more travelled, cook amazing food and am more situated professionally. I tried to play down all this so that he doesn't feel insecure.

Should I continue this? How do I bring up these conversations earlier on so that it does not add to everyone's grief at a later stage?

It's so hard to find men who want to settle down in the bay area within couple of years that anyone half decent who doesn't proposition me just for sex seems like a great idea.

I'm 34 if that counts.

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TOP 48 Comments
  • Chase zxxi24
    You've mentioned 3 times that you make 3 times his salary. You sound insecure like you have something to prove...except you don't b/c nobody cares how much you make
    Mar 126
    • Autodesk sodjdjekrm
      People actually do care for many reasons, especially women, cause they think they are saving for their offsprings. dont be rude, everyone’s desire is driven by something very innate to human beings.
      Mar 12
    • Salesforce sorbet
      OP
      It was very awkward. I invited him home and he asked how much do I pay for rent. The facial expression after that showed surprise. I knew it was something he couldn't afford. I don't want someone who dates me to feel less than me. I mentioned it because I feel that this might come up in big ways and I want to figure how to deal with it preemptively.
      Mar 12
    • Autodesk sodjdjekrm
      Hmm, the most important thing to find out is if he’s actually only driven by needs, if he doesnt want things because he cant afford is different from he doesnt care to afford things he doesnt find meaningful, so you’re the better judge of what he’s driven by in life. If he wants to enjoy the little things so he isnt driven to get a better house/pay, its understandable, but if he wants everything but isnt smart enough to get it, then you’d have issues because he would want to drive you to buy things he finds interesting that might really bother you
      Mar 12
    • Salesforce sorbet
      OP
      Yes I guess I'll take my time with this. I've been with people who couldn't afford as much, but eventually they would get bitter about it. I'm ok with supporting someone or them being contented with less, as long as they are honestly ok with this dynamic.
      Mar 12
    • Comcast tlXA65
      It should work as long as the higher income earner don’t rub it on lower income earner’s face and treat each other with mutual respect.
      Mar 12
    • Google IHeartKiz
      No matter what the differences will come up even if you don’t bring them up
      Mar 18
  • Facebook FlGo46
    What is your TC?
    Mar 126
    • Salesforce sorbet
      OP
      400 around.
      Mar 12
    • Facebook FlGo46
      It looks like you are a fit for me. I am 34 and making more than you :)
      Mar 12
    • Salesforce sorbet
      OP
      That wouldn't be the only reason we would (or not) be a good fit. :)
      Mar 12
    • Facebook FlGo46
      Definitely. I am free for a coffee if you have time :)
      Mar 12
    • PayPal blindu5er
      Go Figo. Let us know how it goes 😝
      Mar 12
    • Salesforce sorbet
      OP
      Sure. Will ping you when I have bandwidth. Currently with work and all, I can't focus on two people at a time. :) But thanks for the invite!
      Mar 12
  • Tesla Hdhaga
    Please don’t be embarrassed or down play what you have or what you have accomplished. That very act, if he suspects that’s what you are doing, is going to be what makes him feel insecure and incompetent in the end since you felt the need to go out of your way to downplay and hide. If you are upfront about it, and he ends up feeling insecure, then that’s a problem with him, and not with you. If you aren’t upfront about it, then that’s a problem with you and not him.
    Mar 121
    • Salesforce sorbet
      OP
      Thanks. This was good insight.
      Mar 12
  • Who cares about TC, that doesn't really matter in the end. Continue it if he is a good human that is pushing you to become a better human day after day
    Mar 120
  • Lyft swetool
    These posts are like crack for Indians it’s hilarious
    Mar 120
  • Autodesk sodjdjekrm
    Seems to me at his age, he’s not driven by wants and is just focused on needs, if him and you are wise to know both your differences and accept them, there shouldnt be any place for insecurity/superiority
    Mar 120
  • Rubrik PartyStick
    Where is back home?
    Mar 122
    • Apple OFOM41
      Just a shot in the dark but something tells me India
      Mar 12
    • Salesforce sorbet
      OP
      I'm Indian, this guy is american but not Caucasian.
      Mar 12
  • Lyft swetool
    Anyone asking dating relationship advice from a female perspective on blind is a troll
    Mar 120
  • Amadeus Trick2g
    Have a honest conversation with him regarding your feelings.
    Mar 120
  • I think it’s not really about money, though 1/3rd salary and living with roommates at 40+ is a bit too much for me, but what this also tells is that there could be a big intellect difference between you two. Do you have things in common to talk about and common interests?
    Mar 121
    • Salesforce sorbet
      OP
      I guess this is one of the things I'm worried about. Under normal circumstances I would have passed this guy up, but I guess something about him screams kindness and ability to take care of me emotionally, so I'm leaning towards giving him a chance and going on few more dates.
      But yeah, I did feel an intellectual gap.
      Mar 12
  • Microsoft sWKi43
    40 years old and living with roommates :)
    Mar 120
  • eBay benice
    It’s a gamble, take it slow and see if he seems bothered by a woman who is doing better financially and career wise. You don’t have to marry him after a few dates.
    Mar 120
  • AT&T / EngGuvY64
    At this age he shouldn’t care, I’ve dated both sides of that equation, if you like them and care for them the rest doesn’t really matter. It may come up if you take a trip that costs decent but it can be easily worked through with an honest discussion
    Mar 120
  • TrueCar lollipop7
    I mean even 1/3 your salary puts him at like 130 TC , which by all means is a reasonable salary. You’re just a baller!
    Mar 123
    • Salesforce sorbet
      OP
      I've clearly said, I don't have a problem with it. I want to know how to identify red flags early, so I don't repeat some of the things I went through with earlier partners in terms of insecurity. These are sensitive conversations you know.
      Mar 12
    • TrueCar lollipop7
      Well In this case you really need to make sure he is a communicative and emotionally aware man, even more so than the average? Is he?

      If he isn’t, this will be an issue.
      Mar 12
    • Salesforce sorbet
      OP
      Will need more dates to find that out.
      Mar 12
  • Amazon zoedoodle
    How did you even talk salary on your first date?
    Mar 121
    • Salesforce sorbet
      OP
      He blurted it out in some other context. He doesn't know mine obviously.
      Mar 12
  • PayPal blindu5er
    Don't try to judge him with just one date. If I were you low TC wouldn't be the only reason to break off a relationship after the first date. If that's a non issue and you didn't see other major red flags, you think you need to invest some more into the relationship.
    Mar 120
  • KPMG
    BackClock

    KPMG

    PRE
    Deloitte, Accenture
    BackClockmore
    Kind and loyal with low TC vs. Someone like Bezos. You pick.
    Mar 120
  • Monster unholy!
    Why is he 1/3 your salary? Does he work at a nonprofit?
    Mar 123
    • Salesforce sorbet
      OP
      Yup. Trying to transition into tech.
      Mar 12
    • Monster unholy!
      I don't think that's a ding at all. Completely different playing fields.
      Mar 12
    • Salesforce sorbet
      OP
      No it's fine. Even admirable. Non profits have a bigger dent in making the world a better place. I'm looking for perspectives from people who have dealt with this dynamic in real life and how did it feel for them, because it's still not common place.
      Mar 12
  • Microsoft TqoN12
    Can’t take it with you when you die...memories are a different story.
    Mar 122
    • TrueCar lollipop7
      Can’t take those either really
      Mar 12
    • Microsoft TqoN12
      And you know this for sure?
      Mar 12
  • Facebook / Eng5'6"Indian
    Are you apprehensive because you're expected to "marry up"?
    Also, serious question: How tall is he?
    I seem to tick all your boxes except possibly height/race
    Mar 121
    • Salesforce sorbet
      OP
      Lol. Are you the real 5'6'' Indian?
      No I'm not apprehensive. I just want to address the elephant in the room as early as possible. These things are best addressed soon so everyone can be at peace.
      From what everyone's replied I'm just going to take it slow and wait and see how he is.

      Also, I don't have boxes such as height and race. Lol. Just attraction and that isn't highly correlated with either.
      Mar 12
  • Amazon Powerful
    is your duggie a corgi?
    Mar 240
  • Intel / EngDonaldDD's
    I'm very surprised you wouldn't consider going on a 2nd or 3rd date. And PLEASE GREAT SPAGHETTI GOD don't bring up marriage and ultimatums of long term relationships yet. Enjoy the moment and find if there is compatibility. One step at a time.

    I would say that you need to determine what priority you really have. If he has little money, wouldn't he have traveled less? If he has less money, doesn't he need to budget instead of buy a bunch of items and pay entrance money to have "hobbies"

    Just keep waiting for "the one". You're only 34 after all....might as well keep waiting for the perfect person who is better than you at everything. /s
    Mar 130

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