My life is a mess now, and it feels like I lost control over the important things. I've been somewhat ambitious since graduation and somewhat lucky too. Combined, these have helped me to get where I am right now. Mortgage is fully paid off, I support my parents financially, and can probably fully retire in the next few years or so at the age of 35. I used to go to parties often, now those don't excite me anymore. I sometimes still go, just to catch up with friends, but I feel more and more disconnected. Many of them already have kids, and I want to be there too. I had to sacrifice my personal life a lot to get where I am right now. I ended my last long relationship because I wanted to focus on my then life goals, and thought marriage would distract me. It's now I understand those could coexist well together, but it's too late and she asked to never contact her again. I'm not too pretty, nor too fit, but easy-going enough, and can manage to get a date. I find it very hard to find someone I can connect with well though. We have fun on a date or two, and the chemistry doesn't seem to work out: usually sense of humor or thoughts flow don't seem to be similar. Maybe it's the age. I know my ex been dating someone and they broke up recently. We haven't talked for almost a year now, and I'm scared to death to contact her. We haven't really argued, I just decided to leave for work in another city and said I want to focus on career first. She eventually moved to the same city, but already after the breakup. She was the one of a very few who's been with me through my worst, always strong and supportive, even when I knew I was hurting her interests, and more importantly she felt like part of me from day one. I feel depressed more often now, because by the end of the day the only thing that I can manage is my job, and the rest is just above my control. I've tried to do some volunteer work at a local college and get some distraction. It worked for a while. Anyone is in the same boat? Wonder what helps people to avoid all these thoughts and be in power of their emotions. TC 400
Same. Moved away from my now-ex to pursue career goals. I didn't do well in my career goals and I lost my partner as well. On the positive side, I learnt that a balanced life is what makes you happy, not just titles or money. The experience also made me more humble and appreciate the people who are with me today.
Same here. Good you're able to see the positive side.
If I don't look at the positive side, it just makes me more guilty and sad thinking about how someone prioritized me in their life but I decided to move away. Well, at that time it seemed best, given the situation and other factors. Now when I look back, I don't know how things would have unfolded had I stayed with my ex, maybe I would have regretted not making the career move. I don't know. So I just appreciate what I have, both in terms of career and people, and try to keep a good balance now. I must say, you are right when you mentioned both can co-exist, one doesn't need to chose one over the other. And if you do, if you keep making the same choice repeatedly, you are bound to be disappointed some day.
Shoot your shot
Contact your ex, it’s worth a shot. The worst she can do is deny you but make sure you know what you’re going to say. Acknowledge that you fucked up and how you were wrong & ask her if she’s willing to give you a chance.
I don't know what to say other than I fucked up real big. I don't want her to see me as a failure, even though I know she won't.
Take a trip down memory lane, try to remember all of those different times in which you fucked up. Take the ones you think will be the most important to her and address those in the limited conversation you will have with her at first. Do it over the phone or in person, anyone can text shit but many people don’t have the balls do it in person these days, that will show her that you’re serious. Then start off by saying “I’m sorry for what I’ve put you through, you deserved better than that. I know I’ve fucked up when I did such and such, but I realize now that I was wrong. Is there any way you could consider giving me another chance?” This is just a general template, but it should be a good start.
Call your ex and say things exactly how you have shared here. Tell her that you recognize that letting her go was a huge mistake.
But Blind has taught me that TC is everything.
Come back in five years and read this again.
Go get medication. Depression is a solved problem.
Actually, meta studies (agglomerations of many individual studies improving sample size and presumably reducing the impact of unintentional systematic errors in single studies) show SSRIs are helpful for severe depression and have no more affect than placebo in moderate depression or dysthymia. Since OP is able to get out bed and go to work but feels lost and aimless, I suspect they are in one of the latter two groups.
SSRIs are only the first line of defense.
Even if you reach out to her, it is not in her best interest to get back with you. You left her once.
Sorry you feel this way, OP. I feel sometimes it's nice to take a sec and not focus so much on what we don't have but rather on what we do. You're in an amazing spot in your life where you are financially independent and have the luxury to provide for not only yourself but your loved ones as well. I suggest taking some time to get in-tune with yourself. Your opinion of being "not too pretty, nor too fit" -- change that to what aligns with you and makes you content. Good things come to those who wait and great things come to those who don't. We can see this quote has aligned with your present accomplishments. Your goals were aimed towards your career early on and have since changed. So, pursue your new ones! Work on yourself, your physique and your health. Focus on you and get out there! The world is an ocean of opportunities, so dive in and find one. Best of luck and happy holidays to you, OP.
A guess: you spent your whole life focused on milestones and only now starting to look around and wonder who you are and what the point is. Many people experience this in college or after. Or they re-experience after spending many years focussed on survival during a crisis (like war, homelessness, famine or an abusive marriage with children to protect) . I think it is something nearly every one experiences in western culture except for some exceptionally wise ones who think about this as children. Think of this as the end of your adolescence or the beginning of your mid-life crisis. It is frightening to not have direction after always having some goal to strive for. Even if you reconnect with your ex gf romantically now, you will be prone to still externalizing your reason to exist in the romantic relationship or on children. No partnership can survive long being someone’s only reason to live, and that is a VERY unfair burden to place on a child. When they become aware of the burden and responsibility their parent has placed on them it will slow them from figuring themselves out as the grow older.
Make your goal getting to know who you are Do NOT go down the path of trying to control your feelings always. You can control how you act on them but suppressing the feelings is impossible in the long run. It will literally make you unstable over time, because they build and eventually come out whether you want them to or not. They end up big AND you have no practice in feeling them without being overwhelmed.
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Exercise, meditation, and volunteering
I exercise moderately and volunteer. To be fair, those are the only few activities I do to spare my time. Meditation never seemed appealing to me, it's seems like a huge opportunity to stay alone with your thoughts, and I want to escape from those.
You need to face your thoughts