Convincing Indian parents for intercaste marriage

Google superpower
Sep 7 161 Comments

Sorry for the long post however I trust Blind coomunity for good suggestions as this is the community that understands the most being in the same age/thinking etc. Excuse me for typos, unfortunately I started typing on mobile.

It has been over 5-6 years we have been in relationship, both of us want to marry each other but are from different caste. About my family-
1. Very conservative, have always been in smaller city, their social circle is of like minded people, very religious and have good status in that community.
2. They can't believe I want to marry someone from other caste. They had arranged marriage, everybody around then is same, they don't think about concepts of happiness, compatibility in partner or love etc. They think one must adjust with partner and live happily. They think that some things are to be done only with society and everyon's concensus and this is one of them, and this is the best thing.

About me-
1. Have been like them until I went to bigger city for undergrad. Gradually it changed my perspective. So I don't blame then for their way of thinking. I feel that I think about them a lot, understand them but they don't seem to understand me at all. I expect them to think from my perspective. Now that I am in US, I have experienced variety of things and things that they value might be different from what i value because of my experiences.
2. With God's grace, I always did the good things that would make them proud like getting excellent job after undergrad as well as grad, won competitions, earned well, other family members have high words for me, I am the only one who is in US in our extended family among 10-12 cousins. May be this just created even higher set of expectations for me.

1. they think If I marry this girl, that would be shameful for them and they can't go out of house.
2. the girl's family is non vegetarian but the girl does not eat meat since years, but they don't believe that.
3. I have a younger sister and it would create problems for her
4. My elder brother had a girlfriend and they didn't even allow him to marry her although she was from very close caste. My cousin also wants to marry her gf from different caste but even his parents are not allowing.
5. they think what will they do if the girl runs away after marriage because such example has happened in their circle recently.
6. Even my brother doesn't support. it becomes so irrational to the level that I get frustrated. they say chances of success of marriage is same irrespective of the girl. I can't understand this BS. Everyone makes decisions based on history and current situation, I don't know how the chances are same.
6. I have talked to Mom and brother so far. when i second time I brought the topic, my mom got ill and was hospitalized for a day.
7. They want me to cut down contact with her and apologize her for Everything.
8. they say now that if the girl was anywhere close to my religion/caste they would have agreed.

On the other hand nobody cares to think about me. I want to take care of my parents. I have strong belief in my girl and she would do get best for everyone in the family. I have strong feeling that my life will become very mediocre if I don't marry my girl. I want to be responsible for my decisions. After doing so many good things for them, they don't seem to want to compromise on this one thing which is saddening. I am not denying the sacrifices that they did for me but I am trying my best to give good life to them. I send a lot more money than they would need in a month just to make them feel safe but they don't seem to appreciate that because they have money to live. I want to provide them comforts and luxury. I don't but things for me because they don't have them. I am also sacrificing a lot but this sacrifice is like sacrificing my life for me. this is the best age for me and i am living miserably, under stress, frustrated and hopelessly. I don't even feel like going out because of worries about the future. Also, I am not very materialistic person, so i need people more than things. If they agree to marriage, it would immediately bring me out of my misery, i will be happy and it will solve all my present problems.

Can't seem to figure out how to change their perspective. they are not even excited for coming to us or traveling the world or anything for that matter except for their religious things.

parents = mom at this point because I haven't talked to Dad yet. but i don't know if he would be any different than my mom.

comments

Want to comment? LOG IN or SIGN UP
TOP 161 Comments
  • Salesforce op
    Not an Indian. Never had this problem.

    I would just marry and notify parents.
    Let them deal with this. If they choose not to talk to you for a few years it is their problem.
    Live your life. Fuck that medieval bullshit.
    Sep 7 5
    • Facebook bl@ckmamba
      It’s really easy to give advice like this as non-Indian but only Indians can truly understand the context behind. Indians are family oriented while Americans are individualistic.
      Sep 7
    • Salesforce op
      I am not an American-born either.

      This is a simple problem: either boy's balls finally drop and he lives his life or he lets his mommy command how to live. In the first case he has a period of time where his parents throw a tantrum of unpredictable duration but hopefully make their piece with his decision. In the second case he is unhappy most of his life and make his partner unhappy along the way.

      There is nothing specially Indian here. I've seen this with I.e. Jews whose parents were religious marrying non-jews etc.
      Sep 7
    • Microsoft KKWh68
      Family oriented != wanting to control your son as you wish

      Family oriented === loving your kids
      Sep 8
    • New NidI04
      Indian culture is very superficial! Only Indians have such problems, and they think their Neanderthalic shit of a culture is great.
      Sep 8
    • New NidI04
      @Facebook
      It’s really easy to give advice like this as non-Indian but only Indians can truly understand the context behind. Indians are family oriented while Americans are individualistic.

      No! Indians are superficial and primitive, while Americans are civilized and tolerant.

      (PS: I'm Indian. Just talking of culture in general, not every individual Indian or AMerican).
      Sep 8
  • Meetup / Eng nbhr01
    Tell them you're gay. Two months later introduce your new GF as your turning point who brought your heterosexuality back.
    Sep 7 0
  • Microsoft togo
    Indians in 2019 still about caste. Incredible.
    Sep 7 8
    • Amazon Sw8zhe
      Yeah I've seen plenty of inter-caste marriages among my friends and it has been fine. Inter-caste gets problematic when one side is strictly vegetarian, while other is non-vegetarian. OPs seems intense so it could be inter-religion, which is a different game altogether.
      Sep 7
    • Microsoft togo
      Inter-caste gets problematic? You’re an idiot
      Sep 7
    • Amazon Sw8zhe
      (Inter-caste gets problematic) when one side is strictly vegetarian, while other is non-vegetarian.

      Don't be like media man, quoting only half of the sentence.
      Sep 7
    • Amazon Sw8zhe
      There are strictly vegetarian faiths which can go on war if they find chicken in their food, or if their food is cooked in a common kitchen.
      Sep 7
    • Microsoft togo
      Your vegetables are not the issue. Your objection to another’s choice is.
      So stop projecting your Bs and think outside the glass ballz. Or you become problem #1
      Sep 8
  • New NidI04
    Are you one of those Modi fans who keep saying how great Indian culture is!

    This is proof how shitty Indian culture is!
    Sep 7 9
    • Amazon OdpS15
      I like how you assume no one has a problem with interracial marriages in good ol US of A.
      Sep 8
    • Bloomberg dopehope
      I arguing against your filthy mind who like to hate, just like some aholes like to hate parents, you are pathological hater of country of origin,. There are more divorces in western world than east but no one makes an immature statements like “i hate my country, i hate men, everyone is shitty” But you miss are a gem of shit to be honest
      Sep 8
    • Microsoft techladki
      Idiot, the point of discussion is Indian culture is more primitive than that of US.
      If you can't provide some logical views for it against, why don't you just shut up.
      Sep 8
    • Bloomberg dopehope
      When fools like you make blanket statements about country and culture its hard to ignore the nonsense and immaturity. Logical views cant be understood by biased haters
      Sep 8
    • Microsoft techladki
      Translation:- I'll abuse you because you speak the truth I don't like.

      Did you ever think why such Superficial posts only come from Indians? You're too stupid to think I guess!
      Sep 8
  • Google / Strategy
    baby_

    Google Strategy

    BIO
    Mommy and googler
    baby_more
    Wow I have never had to face this and honestly don’t know many people like this personally. Just want to let folks on blind know that this is really not the standard situation for Indian parents. Maybe some states are more pre disposed to this stuff but pls don’t say that another country had to change you. A large part of the country doesn’t really care about caste or worry about inter state marriage. If some people live in the Middle Ages... it’s very sad.
    Sep 9 8
    • Bloomberg dopehope
      Because every 1 in 6 person is Indian, Also Other cultures keep to themselves
      Sep 9
    • Amazon Armstrong$
      I agree with baby_ I do acknowledge that this is a problem with Indian culture, but I see a lot of comments here calling out the entire Indian culture as bs and medieval. Every culture has its own set of negatives. Portrayal of the entire Indian culture in bad light is something that I wouldn't agree.
      Sep 9
    • Amazon Armstrong$
      My marriage itself was an intercaste marriage and parents from both sides were extremely supportive. I'm not trying to say my case is the universal truth in India, but ppl should realize the other side and not base everything just based on their own biases. techladki seems to be a sucker of the 'American culture'.
      Sep 9
    • New NidI04
      A bunch of Indians here trying to be patriotic and defend your culture!

      1. Does parents forcing marriages 2. forcing people to break up due to ethnicity/caste /race etc 3. honor killings happen more in India than the US?
      Yes, so this obviously means Indian culture is more superficial than that of American as far as marriages go.
      So Microsoft is more than justified in bluntly pointing it out. If anything, it is just a bunch of Indians here who are biased are merely trying to defend India than an objective analysis.
      Sep 9
    • Amazon Armstrong$
      ^ did u conduct surveys and peform an objective anlaysis? And pls read my comment above. I completely agree that, there is a part of Indian culture that I find regressive and don't support. But calling the entire Indian culture bad is nothing but bs
      Sep 9
  • Oracle kJ37vg
    Ouza. Who has time to read such long and badly written post?

    I am already experiencing ptsd.
    Sep 7 0
  • Oracle afYr26
    How old are you? Your points were similar to the concerns raised by my family once upon a time.

    ☝🏽Inter caste/region and happily married with 2 kids for 10 years.

    My parents are generally more conservative than hers and were against our marriage back then.

    Life is what you make if it. It’s good that you are thinking of your parents and family’s welfare. Our culture puts that quality in a ‘son’ front and forward. While that is a noble thing to do if you can, the important thing is to figure out what _you_ and your s.o want first and foremost. You cannot change minds of parents especially if nothing in their bubble has changed. What you can do is show them that you are making a life choice with 100% confidence that fits with your current belief system shaped in the US and then they will need to adjust to your new reality. Make up your mind and realize there is no turning back. Everything and everybody else will fall in line. You still will have the same challenges and struggles in your marriage irrespective of the path taken. Your spouse + you need to have a rock solid foundation. You’ll weather the rest. Good luck!
    Sep 7 2
    • Google superpower
      OP
      Makes sense. Thanks, appreciate it.
      Sep 8
    • F5 Networks / Eng h689qbQ75
      How did you convince your parents?
      4d
  • Microsoft gcnsjfhe
    If your parents are this adamant, I doubt they will accept your decision. They won’t change. They have already shown it. I am pretty sure they will also hate you both if you two get married. They won’t come your wedding and you should be ready for it.

    I am not Indian and people get married after dating in my home country but my parent generation (they are in their 70s) had some of this culture. People in such a culture don’t change. People in that age (assuming your parents are over 50) don’t change.

    Knowing your culture is older than my parents, I cannot recommend either way. You have experienced different culture here in US and value it. Your families didn’t and wouldn’t.

    However, there is an important thing you need to be aware of. No matter who you marry, your parents will not be the same people you know of once you get married. Even if you marry someone they arranged for you, your parents will complain how mean your wife is and your wife will also complain or talk behind the back to her friends how mean your parents are.

    Which one will you choose? Parents or your new family? When you have kids, things change dramatically and your definition for family changes. Your family involves your wife and kids. Your parents are secondary. You will find new perspective about your parents and feel after all they are just human with love and flaws.

    As a parent of two kids, I can tell you what your mom does is not out of love. It is more of controlling and calming herself - meaning a bit selfish and showing immature mind. But this will be translated as love in your culture. You can’t persuade them. You gotta give up on that one and make a decision as an adult. Being an adult is hard but you have to do it at some point.

    The one variable here is impact on your sisters marriage. You definitely talk with your sister about this.

    Having choice has pros and cons. Your coming to US and work in the one of best tech companies in the world at the best country spoiled you and exposed to a wide world. Your parents didn’t experience this and will never fully understand it.

    No matter how good you think Indian culture is, it will change over time. Big cities will have the change much quicker. Twenty years from now, people will look down on the culture today because India is growing fast. Economic development changes everything and culture is one of them. It is not enough time for the people of your town to change though. Your have a hard decision to make. Either route will be rough. Good luck!
    Sep 8 4
    • Google superpower
      OP
      Thanks for the detailed answer.

      One thing about sister- Again in the environment that I grew up, nobody would talk about gf bf to anyone. It's expected that we won't have one. So even in my case, only two people know about it - mom, brother. I have many cousins, uncles, aunts etc.

      So having that conversation is quite impossible. I also don't know mature is she or does she even think about marriage and all. She is still studying and for me she is still a kid (not to disrespect her or anything) as she is youngest among all.
      Sep 8
    • F5 Networks / Eng h689qbQ75
      Could either of you explain how it would affect sister's wedding?

      My core belief is as a brother and family, it would be our responsibility to try to ensure she wouldn't marry a douchebag or a family who thinks this narrowly.
      4d
    • Google superpower
      OP
      If an elder brother marries intercaste, people may look at it as low values in the house, lack of sansakar etc.
      4d
    • F5 Networks / Eng h689qbQ75
      If it's just that. Fuck that shit!

      I'd show the door to every single family who thinks that way and never have my sister be with someone who cares about my life.

      I hope my sister finds someone and doesn't take an arranged route :)
      4d
  • Microsoft sunofa🍑
    You already have a different mindset than what your relatives do. So later it would be even harder to compromise, unless you're ready to accept whatever your family imposes on you. 

    Care about your family, tell them you love them and always will, do what you think you should to make them happy. But if their "happy" means you have to remove things from your plate and sacrifice something - it's simply not fair.  Yes, it is part of the culture, yes, people been doing it for centuries, but culture is evolving, traditions too. You too are a part of this process, and can bring your impact.

    The longer you live in the current society, the more you will value this freedom to make your own choices and decisions. 

    I'm not Indian, but if my parents were against my bf this much, I'd come for a family dinner with some junkie, hug him tight, and say "this is Ben, he's a great guy, I love him very much, I think we're getting married once Ben is done with his rehab".  You know, to set their expectations really low. Once my parents been in a shock for enough, I'd let them meet my real bf, so they feel happy it's not that smelly junkie from streets. It never came to this, but there were times when I wouldn't speak to my mom for months, because she wouldn't approve my life choices. Right now she calls me when she needs an advice, and knows she doesn't have to worry about me because I can take a good care of myself.
    Sep 7 0
  • Amazon goldfish_
    The only way I have seen successful is to marry first and tell them later.
    Sep 7 0
  • Microsoft techladki
    There are so many posts like this from Indians, India is culturally where US was in the 1950s!

    If I were you, I'd start by telling my parents that I don't care for India's shitty culture. That should set the stage.

    And that you'd be happy to be single/unmarried if your parents are so uncomfortable with your marriage. And also that you value their efforts raising you, and you don't want to blame them for your marital problems (which you'll have to if that make marriage decisions for you).

    Your sister should say the same to your parents
    Sep 7 24
    • Bloomberg dopehope
      Mr Nidl04, how can indian culture and marriage be one and same thing, I am not arguing for or against arranged marriage as its a personal choice, why to bring culture into it. Well tinder is popular in india too, so you must be happy that indians are getting less superficial
      Sep 8
    • Microsoft techladki
      Man, this must be so difficult to understand!
      Mostly Indians crib about caste issues in marriage while you don't see similar issues related to ethnicity among other cultures.

      So problem is with Indian culture. How hard is this to understand?
      Sep 8
    • Bloomberg dopehope
      So to dump it down, Culture X(india)made up 100 things, 1 is bad (arranged marriage- discrimination based on caste). Your Conclusion its worst culture as compared to Culture Y(usa) also made of 100 things and 1 thing bad(seggregation-discrimination based on color), Hard to make it more simpler than this
      Sep 8
    • Microsoft techladki
      So just talking of marriage, the point if this thread, you agree that Indian marriages are more superficial?
      Sep 8
    • Bloomberg dopehope
      X marriages, Y out of them are bad(forced by parents) Basic data science ques where is authoritative data how much is Y? there is no answer. But I would tell you another correlation here. https://www.indiatoday.in/education-today/gk-current-affairs/story/india-has-the-lowest-divorce-rate-in-the-world-1392407-2018-11-20
      That means although few bad apples things have worked out well overall
      Sep 8
  • Amazon Sw8zhe
    Marry someone else of their choice. All this love and you won't be able to forget her is BS. With time, you forget everyone. Not everyone has to end up with someone they love. You can still continue being friends. Trust me you'll be happier this way. In the future you'll laugh at yourself for being so childish and posting about this on blind.
    Sep 7 4
    • Amazon Sw8zhe
      Also, have you ever LIVED with her? Differences in religion/caste can mean you and her do a lot of things differently- sometimes creating clashes, which is why marrying someone from your own category makes life a lot easier.
      Sep 7
    • Stripe BlLL GATES
      ^ fuck this attitude though, if you do what your parents want, do it to keep ties with family, not because their medieval views have any chance of being right.
      Sep 7
    • Splunk i3bfir
      Damn that's fucked up, and for what?
      Sep 7
    • Microsoft lebfj
      Family will be always there and always love him. What’s the chance that he finds another girl that he’s happy together and dreaming to build a family with after 6 years of relationship?
      Sep 7
  • New rCyd86
    Dude, 👏👏 for your patience
    Sep 7 1
    • Google superpower
      OP
      Why do you say so? I am all tired now and think that irrespective of what will happen in future, maybe i just won't enjoy anything because of all this drama. I wish this never happens to anyone.
      Sep 7
  • Google Juergen
    Control is not love. Indian upbringing weakens us. It took me several years after marriage to openly take my wife’s side (the right side) against my moms controlling ways. You don’t need to listen to anyone to make decisions about your life. This is not about the girl. This is about you and your mom. Live your life the way you want it to be. Don’t let anyone interfere. Don’t continue to play the “obedient son” role. You will lose a lot in the process
    Sep 8 0
  • Nutanix / Other tmax
    With all due respect, why educated Indians are still living a primitive life? You are in the US and you are still talking about the Aryans Labor distribution philosophy.
    Sep 8 0
  • Samsung statarb
    Get married. Move on. Your wife, your life.
    Sep 7 0
  • Equifax / Eng
    Ask_Me

    Equifax Eng

    PRE
    Capgemini, Honeywell FM&T
    Ask_Memore
    Ok. How about staying single till they agree?
    How about asking your sister to get married before you, so that your situation doesn't affect her?

    Your parents might not agree and can make hell of a drama. But time heals everything. They might make less drama in an year or two. All you can do is play "wait game" along with your girl friend. Indian parents don't give rat's ass for their children's relationships. 🙏🙏
    Sep 8 12
    • F5 Networks / Eng h689qbQ75
      That's okay and my SO and I'll be there to support her.

      I'd rather have her wait until she finds a good guy than marrying someone who is narrow minded.
      4d
    • Microsoft techladki
      Your sister can make it clear to her parents that she is not going to let them interfere in her marriage like they are doing with you, and the she doesn't approve using her as a bait
      4d
    • F5 Networks / Eng h689qbQ75
      Very hard for a 20 year old to say anything like that :(
      4d
    • Microsoft techladki
      It's not age, it's financial Independence that matters. Wait till she gets her job.
      4d
    • F5 Networks / Eng h689qbQ75
      True that.
      4d
  • Pinterest gfzT13r
    I can understand your pain brother , i was in a relationship with my ex for 7 years . I know her since I was a kid. In my case my parents were agree but they said I have to wait till my sister get married. Girl parents are totally against it . She handled her parents wrath for many years and asked me few time do a court marriage. I said I can do that after my sister get married, as I don't want any complications in her marriage. My ex finally succumb to her parents pressure and married to someone else. I had really like that girl and she likes me as well. I can only understand her importance only after losing her. It is almost a year now and i still regret it so much. If I was brave enough things would be different . I know you love your parents and family but they are very irrational but please don't succumb on their pressure. Do the right thing and marry your girl.May be you have to face some difficult year with your family but I think they will finally accept it.
    Sep 8 1
    • F5 Networks / Eng h689qbQ75
      What were you afraid about your sister? What could affect her?

      I'm in a similar situation, how would you handle this situation? Especially when your parent's aren't agreeing.
      4d
  • Microsoft SnYL20
    I am sharing my experience hope it gives you some perspective. Couple of years back I was in the similar situation. I did not had a boyfriend but had strong belief about whom I want to marry. I thought about my parents their prestige more than what I wanted in my life. Settle for an arrange marriage. Fast forward three years I am divorcée. Now they blame me for the divorce.
    Parents don’t take responsibility. They take credit if things go right, but they don’t take responsibility if things go wrong.
    I was on a date once the guy said one thing, which stayed with me. “Parents will push you for the marriage if things go wrong then it becomes your problem.it is just a check box for them”
    Parents will come along they do, because they don’t have a choice in the long run.
    Sep 8 1
    • New NidI04
      If I were you, I'd call them and tell them that they are responsible for all your problems today.
      And that you blame them for all your problems.

      And I'd also add that if they don't want to admit responsibility, it will deteriorate your relationship with them.
      Sep 8
  • Apple LSjj31
    I really don’t have any tips for you but I wish you the best man, having Indian parents can be very difficult.
    Sep 7 1