My partner has been a grad student for the past two years as I have started my career. We are long distance on top of it all but I feel like we both don’t understand one another’s struggles (work and career burden and stress and wanting to wind down and hang out after work hours vs being in school and constantly having assignments and only really being able to hang out late at night while studying). Also I have two years of savings, no debt now and thinking to buy a house settle down etc while someone in school is still bright eyed and soul searching for what city and job they would like to have. We argue a lot and feel hurt that the other person does not fully understand each other’s hardships. I guess there is no easy answer without context but I was wondering if anyone here has been through this and any advice they can give. Basically should we wait it out and keep trying? Should I follow them to their next adventure and city as they chase their dreams?
Wow! That is hard going. Fundamental question is do you love the other person and see a future with them. If you were certain, you probably would take risks to make sure you both stayed together. I took many risks in my life both for my love of traveling, and to help my other half fulfill their dreams. It all worked out, but I was very clear from the start that I was in for the long haul and was willing to make sacrifices to ensure happiness for both of us.
I absolutely see a future with them but I feel like they are not as invested/willing to make those same sacrifices so it is disheartening... but if I am willing and capable perhaps I should be the one to sacrifice for this next stage in life and hope they ultimately are in a place to be able to reciprocate
I would be completely honest and let them know that is what you are doing and why (because you love them and see your future together) Hopefully the other person can be equally honest and stop you doing that if they are not completely certain too. It’s all about communication and partnership at the end of the day
Trust me , it will wear off in time ... it happens to most grad school couples who get jobs/work in different cities. It took me 1 year, I wish I had cut the chord earlier.
Hey, I was in a similar situation. And even after graduating I was in a different city coz of work. But we traveled every alternate weekend to each other's cities, and planned fun trips in general. Long distance really does suck. But what sucks more is losing out on someone you love, and want to spend the rest of your life with..coz of logistics.
Did things work out eventually? Who moved to whom?
Break up or figure out how to support each other. I’ve been in long distant relationships and they never worked out. I’ve also been in a situation where I moved my gf out to another state with me so that I could attend grad school. We grew apart because we had different goals. While I was getting ready for a career she was busy turning into a hipster coffee shop person. So we broke up because we wanted different things and well she felt intimated by my aspirations.
Seen two such couples. None lasted. Mine too ended. I hope you succeed. But I worry one of you might lose your sense of self in order to sacrifice for the other. I could handle breaking up with someone I knew 5y and loved but I couldn't handle losing the person that is myself in the process. To each their own. You don't need to decide now, take some time and introspect.
+1
Yea this hits home but makes me so sad. To sum up my conflicted feelings it’s like.. i dont want to make them choose between following their dreams and compromising to be with me... but I would compromise to be with them and I am devastated knowing if it was a choice they may not choose me.
If you love someone, logistics can be figured out. There's a reason why I see so many couples coming to the US for grad school and then bringing their gf/bf from India an year or two later once they have stabilized a bit here. It's about the intent to make it work. You may not experience each other's struggles first hand but I am sure you can draw conclusions from it in a way that the other person can act upon them (like you may not understand how stressful everyday assignment submissions can be but you can agree that she will not be able to talk to you for 2 days before the exam). Don't question why or how, just take their words because they are experiencing the situation first hand. A part of being a good partner is to be supportive. If you aren't supportive of her education today, you cannot expect her to be supporting of your next career move tomorrow. I am sure you can talk to her and delay your plans of buying a house. Once she has one offer at hand, both of you will have flexibility to switch jobs to move to the same city.
How do you know it is a he talking about a she?
You can reverse the genders but the gist of my comment still remains the same.
My wife and i did this. I started working and she went to law school across the country. Communication is the best. Talk it all out. Use email if you can’t do skype/facetime. Understand its not forever. Support each other even if you can’t fully empathize. Little things help too. Her love language is words of affirmation. So at least once a day i texted something encouraging/sweet to her to boost her mood. “Kicks ass today babe” “thinking of you”. But even if her love language is different. It still helps her to know you are thinking of her It also helps if you know she’s the one. For me, there was no other and was willing to do anything.
I would never recommend choosing a relationship over your livelihood unless you’re already married. On the other hand if your partner is not even thinking about marriage, I hate to say it but I think you should start being more sensitive to the weak signals. Although, them signals sound pretty conspicuous.
Long distance relationship sucks. All I can say.