Dealing with sex wars between parents

Amazon burntout!
Jun 11 56 Comments

My parents are visiting me from India. Dad - 60 Year old and Mom 51 year old.

They have had a long history to unhappy marriage due to having totally opposite personalities and not being able to agree on anything. My mom pretends to be pious and wants everyone to be religious and preaches backward practices. My entire family resists and my father openly flirts with girls, saying your mom pushes me towards it.

I had requested them not to fight on their visit, since I am already dealing with a lot of work stress. My dad respects that but my mom doesn’t seem to understand.

My mom constantly keeps nagging him and
tries to control his eating at the dining table, taunting him on his habits etc., she brings his complains to me and looks at me as though I am going to solve something for her...

I just accidentally stumbled on sexting in my dad’s phone also saying every man likes his children and others wife. What’s disgusting is that this conversation is with someone who approached with a marriage proposal for his kid and started right after he returned from pilgrimage at age 58.

Though my fathers actions are worse, he keeps silent on my moms taunts and is well behaved and my moms behavior gets on my nerves and I end up shouting at her.

Me the oldest of their kids at 33 years still resents marriage and still single with no sight of any relationships. None of my siblings 27+ of age have any sight of healthy relationships and having to deal with parents love life...

It’s eating my peace of mind, how do I deal with it? What am suppose to do??

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TOP 56 Comments
  • Cognizant
    LDoQ41

    Cognizant

    PRE
    Cognizant
    LDoQ41more
    I want to make this clear for all other random readers here. This is not a normal indian family. This is a rare and unique scenario. I know of no such scenario.

    I am sorry if I am adding to the misery here but this might paint a picture for non-indians towards india.
    Jun 11 12
    • Cognizant
      LDoQ41

      Cognizant

      PRE
      Cognizant
      LDoQ41more
      Not even sure how you can be do unknown about the basic facts of your community /society or nations. Somethings don't need to be said out loud. They can be understood.
      Jun 11
    • Clover Health sses
      Oh, so it's based on faith and not data? 👍 ridiculous, and you need to refresh yourself on what a fact is.
      Jun 11
    • Honeywell wellHoney
      @Cognizant, why add such a ignorant post. Just because you may have a good family life and others you know of doesn’t mean this isn’t a common problem. As @salesforce rightfully commented, this is a people problem.

      If only you had a looking glass into the true inner workings of family dynamics (India or not) you would see this problem is much more prevalent than you think.
      Jun 11
    • Roku
      nutcra

      Roku

      PRE
      Yahoo
      nutcramore
      Exactly why he works at cognizant.
      Jun 12
    • Clover Health sses
      Oh, the irony!
      Jun 12
    • Cognizant
      LDoQ41

      Cognizant

      PRE
      Cognizant
      LDoQ41more
      I was waiting for this comment. That's why he works at Cognizant. Thanks for showing ur compassion and intellect here.
      Jun 12
    • Roku
      nutcra

      Roku

      PRE
      Yahoo
      nutcramore
      The person in the situation is asking for advice, you are worried about the image of the country? You should keep your image and the dumb BJP brain at Cognizant.
      Jun 12
    • Amazon Fbhxhs
      I hope a**holes like you don’t reflect India either.. so worried of image and no courtesy to the situation this person is dealing with.
      7d
    • Clover Health sses
      Poses a faith-oriented, puritan belief system about people's private lives. Expects compassion.
      7d
    • Amazon jQpf16
      ha please. this describes my Indian parents and family to a T. as well as a lot of my friends and family. Phialndering/dominant dads, ever suffering/ ignored/ taken for granted mothers... this is the indian norm and the indian family period. If you dont acknowledge this you are an ostrich or completely unaware of your parents relationship dynamics. there are exceptions far and few between.
      6d
  • Taylor Farms Batistuta
    Pick one parent to come visit. It’s a win-win-win situation.
    Your dad will be off the hook.
    You mom will have nobody to nag at.
    You will get someone ti visit you.
    Jun 11 5
    • Amazon burntout!
      OP
      The thing is Mom is image conscious and doesn’t leave him alone! She constantly tries to control him and keeps an eye on him.
      Can’t keep them away from each other.
      Looks like they have an active sex life but why the hell they fight and fuckup my life.
      Jun 11
    • Taylor Farms Batistuta
      I think you should stop caring and let go. Can’t change them anyway. Keep your sanity
      Jun 11
    • Tableau oboo
      They can only fuck up your life to the extent that you let them. You cannot fix them or their relationship and you should not try, as that will lead to further misery.

      You should talk to a therapist about the situation and about establishing and enforcing boundaries. For example, if you insist on proper behavior at the dinner table and your mother violates those rules, get up from the table and walk out.

      Don't talk to either of them about their relationship and if either of them tries to justify themselves, say something like, "I'm sorry, but that is none of my business and I don't wish to discuss it."

      If either of them try to lay a guilt trip on you, don't play their game. Don't try to justify or defend your own behavior, don't discuss it with them, and, if they persist, walk out.

      You may have to do this several times but your parents will eventually learn to leave their drama at home and not involve their children. And you will be much happier.
      Jun 11
    • Tableau oboo
      Above all else, remember this: you cannot fix them; you cannot change them. There is one, and only one, person you can affect, and that is yourself.
      Jun 11
    • Amazon burntout!
      OP
      @oboo Thankyou! I am on the same page as you here but it’s super tough to contain my anger and frustration at the face of it. My parents are not grown ups really and still think like kids at their core...
      Jun 12
  • Amazon
    Amz

    Amazon

    BIO
    Yo-yo Chen
    Amzmore
    What crap? Seems like a script from a cheap ass Bollywood movie.
    Jun 11 0
  • Microsoft Ep
    Your mom might have turned to nagging due to your dad’s behavior. Women look to kids as friends after some age and for emotional support. Just give her a lending ear and express some empathy. She worked so hard for you and dealing with your dad’s ways. So you can atleast do this to her.
    Jun 11 5
    • Amazon burntout!
      OP
      Her trying to deal with it has fuckedup my childhood and youth, if only she were brave enough to walk away from toxicity and understood the value of a mentally healthy environment...
      Jun 12
    • Amazon jQpf16
      c'mon man does she work? has she lived alone ever. fended for herself. My mom seperated from my dad for some time, the taunts, the judgement from relatives, neighbours, society sent her right back to him (and my mom is a working woman a lawyer at that. dont judge, dont look at it from your selfish perspective. Have compassion towards your mom. do nice things for her while you can. most importantly be kind.
      6d
    • Microsoft Ep
      Indian society had and still has a taboo against divorcees. Women in India always think kids especially boys need father. So you might be the reason she stayed with him. Previous generations women didn’t have education, support and of-course guts due to different reasons. They didn’t have internet either to know how it worked in rest of the world. I understand your feelings. But due to above reasons and many other she might not have proceeded in that route. As a son please help her. And for a change, if you have those guts, why don’t you kick your dad away. He is 60 and sexting young girls. If he was so unhappy why didn’t he divorce? Anyways, If I were you I would confront him, kick him out and keep my mom with me.
      If you are mad at your mom because you lost trust in marriage, go to a counsellor. Probably, they will change your mind. And go for it. Life is short. Having a companion helps to enjoy
      5d
    • Amazon burntout!
      OP
      Thanks for your thoughts. For clarification I am a daughter and not a son. My dad provided for me when I was little and helpless, so I wouldn’t say no to him if he needed me to provide. My mom has also gone through the delivery pain and inconveniences in raising me but she keeps counting it all the time and has no regard for what pain others go through, thankless individual who doesn’t count the blessings, if there is anything she cares is what others think and what’s her image and status in society, she is super toxic, if I had to kick anyone, it would be her because she is trying to recreate the whole society drama without learning any lessons from life!
      For the record my dad had already asked for a divorce but she won’t leave him!!
      When things go worse she starts acting helpless and tries to attract sympathy but refuses to put an effort in mending the relationship
      4d
    • Microsoft Ep
      Such a animosity towards your mom is weird. Just ignore her. She is your mom after all. Go to a counselor
      3d
  • Facebook public2
    Why haven't they divorced? Sounds like they dont like eachother?
    Jun 11 11
    • Facebook public2
      What why?
      Jun 11
    • Facebook public2
      And if that is really true who cares, life is too short to be unhappy.
      Jun 11
    • Amazon burntout!
      OP
      They pretend to be happy except when they fight but none is happy from within and is carrying loads of resentment deep down
      Jun 11
    • Facebook public2
      So again...
      Jun 11
    • New / Eng
      🔥HODL🔥

      New Eng

      PRE
      Sogeti
      BIO
      I'm a generalist soft eng who loves to work on hard tasks and open-source. I have experience in many domains (low-level, web, data science, security, etc.).
      🔥HODL🔥more
      In some cultures divorce is seen as the worst thing that can happen, family and mariage are more important than everything else.
      Jun 11
    • Facebook public2
      I hear you but just makes zero sense...
      Jun 11
    • Lol public2 is having such a culture shock here on Blind. 😂
      Jun 11
    • Facebook public2
      I get cultures vary but am struggling as to why culture alone supersedes logic and happiness. Does divorce impact the after life?
      Jun 11
    • Honestly at this point, I don’t think it’s primarily religion. I think it’s mostly fear of what children, family, friends and society might think.

      So essentially, keeping up with societal expectations.
      Jun 11
    • Amazon burntout!
      OP
      It’s nothing but fear of not being accepted, fear of being on your own, people who grow up with a dependent mentality and don’t value independence make life hell for themselves and others...
      Their happiness depends on others and not on their own actions..
      Jun 11
  • Microsoft / Eng
    Fri-deploy

    Microsoft Eng

    PRE
    Microsoft, Amazon, Facebook, Google, Intuit
    Fri-deploymore
    My dad is 73 and still flirts around.
    Jun 11 2
    • Amazon burntout!
      OP
      How do you deal with it?
      Jun 11
    • Microsoft / Eng
      Fri-deploy

      Microsoft Eng

      PRE
      Microsoft, Amazon, Facebook, Google, Intuit
      Fri-deploymore
      I pretend not to know about it or care. Sometimes I intervene fight when he embarrasses me.
      Jun 11
  • Microsoft
    Tier 1

    Microsoft

    BIO
    #1 in Prestige
    Tier 1more
    Be straight up with her. Tell her it’s your house and if she can’t be respectful that you’re sorry but will have to ask her to leave.
    Jun 11 2
    • Amazon bandwagon
      Yeah don't take this autists' advice
      Jun 11
    • Microsoft
      Tier 1

      Microsoft

      BIO
      #1 in Prestige
      Tier 1more
      I actually have a psychological report showing that I don’t have autism
      Jun 11
  • Uber / Eng mH7bSe
    That means you father is still healthy. Good for you.
    Jun 11 0
  • Tektronix BazzokaGrl
    I think people are who they are in their 60's and that it's impossible to make someone else change if they don't want to. They want you to change (get married) and you don't want to either. Your parents are going to annoy you no matter what. They are human, they make mistakes and they would make choices you would not choose. You're different people. You have different values and beliefs. Try to be kind, keep in mind it's a visit and has an end date. Put up clear boundaries. If they pressure you to get married change the subject and if they can't take a hint leave for a little bit, put gas in your car, get a coffee, run an errand. Take a break from them before things get heated. The struggle is real. Good luck.
    Jun 11 1
    • Datometry / Eng LangEr
      ^ This!
      Jun 11
  • Intel 1090SC
    Parent your parents. Tell them that you know they are both addicted to deviant behavior. Too much religion and too much drama.

    Suggest that they both force apart their marriage and threaten them with a forced divorce because you’re sick of their shit. In short get your siblings and you to force a separation of them both and force them both to be embarrassed by their immature and foolish behaviors.
    Jun 11 2
    • Salesforce guacamoLay
      Worst answer ever
      Jun 11
    • Intel 1090SC
      That was sarcasm @Salesforce. The answer is counseling/ priest / neutral family friends / but the tone is lost.
      7d
  • LinkedIn SparkAI
    You are supposed to keep your nose out of your parents’ business. This is between your Mom and Dad so let them deal with it.
    Jun 12 0
  • Apple RXtA67
    I can feel you. Similar situation but slightly better.

    For me, I have accepted my fate. I think the only option you have is to Muniz’s your interaction with them. Also, try not to be in the same room as them. This sort of environment just wears on you and you stop having faith in relationships.

    Also, before you get into a relationship, try to understand who you really are. Most bad relationships are because of people not knowing themselves. Once you know your likes and dislikes very clearly, go out and try to find someone who fits in those parameters. You definitely don’t want your parents to intervene in your married life else they’ll ruin it.

    Be strong and love them individually. After all they are your parents. Lastly, be close with your siblings. And if the above works, share with them the recipe. All the best.
    Jun 11 0
  • Amazon Fbhxhs
    I suggest you visit a counselor to help you deal with situation and be happy.. if you are unsure of marriage they might guide you on making right choices
    7d 0
  • eBay
    seat

    eBay

    BIO
    Why did you click on me 😡
    seatmore
    “accidentally stumbled”

    Hahahaha biggest lie of the century
    Jun 11 0
  • Salesforce guacamoLay
    Get a 2bhk, retain your privacy and spend long hours at work. They enjoy America and each other and you stay sane and at the same time provide for them.
    Jun 11 0
  • Booking.com
    HTTP 418

    Booking.com

    BIO
    🤬🤪🥴🥺🤫😜
    HTTP 418more
    Wow you are dealing with some heavy situation.

    I've never been in your situation. But from the sound of it, there is a lot of toxic issues. You definitely need to detox those issues.

    If your job is giving you stress, you need to talk to your manager. A decent manager will help and guide you through how to prioritize your workload.

    Regarding your parents, as you said, they have a long history of unhappiness. If there is really nothing that you could do, then you have to accept it, and let it go.

    My suggestion is that you should find a specialist for psycho therapy. I've been to one before. They really help a lot. They can dissect issues and guide people to resolve their problems in smaller pieces. At the end, all stress comes from your head, so you need to find a way to let go.
    Jun 11 0

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