Dilemma: Marry or not? Am I ready?

TripAdvisor when2Inter
Jul 9 34 Comments

Need advice on a dilemma.
This girl and I dated for 3 years and I love her.
I believe she genuinely likes me to stay with me, and tolerate me

She has a visa issue and needs a marriage to someone with US residence to work in US. She mentioned this to me 2 months into the relationship, and the naive me at the time was dating to marry, so I had no problems.

We broke up 6 months ago because she got into a situation where her schooling needed a valid visa. She asked about marriage, I said I wasn‘t ready to marry (we are mid-twenties), and I didn‘t want to hurt her any further, so we broke up.

After the breakup was the sorriest state of my life. I could only eat, cry, and sleep. Had the worst pain (it actually felt like sharp physical pain) I‘d never experienced. I couldn‘t handle not seeing her again, so I called her everyday begging her to come back to me. After one very tough month of uncertainty, we got back together under my stupid word that I said I would finally marry her. I could finally breathe and I was happy again. I agreed to marriage because I thought it would stop the pain.

We started to move in together, and the normal problems came back. Sometimes she started treating me with explosive anger, like how she would normally do, and saying really toxic things ie. "a man should be X, and do Y" and I cannot tolerate this behavior.
I‘m with her because when she‘s in a good mood, she treats me really well, asks for my attention, is kind, patient, and thoughtful.

Now we are at another impasse. She‘s asking for marriage because that is what I said when we moved in together. But I‘m still not sure if I can marry her.

She wants to move out because I cannot marry her now. I love her, but I don‘t think I can marry this instant. She is tired and angry, always waiting for marriage past couple years.

What makes me hesitant to marry is:
i. her explosive anger, where sometimes I can get treated like dirt. But it‘s usually temporary

ii. not experienced with girls, and am very attracted to random girls on the street. Somehow I feel the need to sleep with other girls, wtf?
A married man cannot think like this.

iii. difference in sex drive, she barely wants to have sex, <1 time a week, and I NEED it almost every day (is this why I keep looking at other random girls?)

If I married now, those points said would linger, and possibly get worse into marriage

What would you do if you were in my situation, or were you in my situation before?
Anything that I should consider, any insights, advice?
I‘m stuck and need help.

TLDR; If I lose her, I‘m going to spiral into darkness and suffering. If I marry her now, our marriage will be riddled with 3 main problems

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TOP 34 Comments
  • Splunk Ub8j12p
    Don't marry her! Look at all those red flags of abuse and manipulation. She's into you for your visa. Break it off, get a therapist, and move on. Or do you want to bet her half your belongings (house included) that the relationship will last?
    Jul 9 0
  • If you are asking you are not ready.
    Jul 9 4
    • TripAdvisor hodlbtc
      Okay, how do I become ready?
      Jul 9
    • Algolia FBQT06
      Sorry to jump in, just wanted to say that it’s not about you being ready. It’s the relationship isn’t ready for marriage.

      Granted we don’t know her side of things, but it doesn’t sound good... Would she still want to be with you if you moved to her country instead and didn’t get married?

      My suggestion is to find someone that brings you joy without any caveats. You deserve nothing less 🌈 Marriage isn’t the answer to a healthy relationship or to personal growth.
      Jul 9
    • ConocoPhillips fisshy
      Disagree with this as a generality. But I agree OP should not
      Jul 9
    • If someone is writing an essay on blind and asking complete strangers about their opinion, the state of affairs is clear to me.
      Jul 9
  • Oath Atinlay2
    NOT ready and don’t do it for the reasons you mentioned. Also she isn’t that into you. She only needs a visa
    Jul 9 0
  • Facebook
    whatnext?

    Facebook

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    Microsoft
    whatnext?more
    But honestly if after 3 years of dating you are not sure - she is not the one. I dated a girl for 8 years and did not marry. Yet I married my wife 6 months after we met. Happily married for 5 years. 2 kids.
    Jul 9 2
    • TripAdvisor hodlbtc
      Please elaborate how you knew to marry after only 6 months?
      Jul 9
    • Facebook
      whatnext?

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      Microsoft
      whatnext?more
      I knew from the first day actually. We instantly fell in love and that feeling is with us since the day one. She has never done anything that would make me think or doubt if my choice was right. I am truly happy with her and don’t need any other girl. Besides, I was on visa and she was a US citizen marrying me due to visa expiration and she has never doubted that too. I was making 100k by that time but she thought I’m kind of sysadmin making 50k yet she never hesitated to marry me. She’s the kindest person I know.
      Jul 9
  • Google ihsywgdhsg
    Break up and get a therapist
    Jul 9 0
  • Nvidia / Eng denvCoder9
    TC or GTFO
    Jul 9 0
  • Expedia YEETUS 💰
    GET OUT NOW
    Jul 9 0
  • Kaspersky Lab aye dais
    You can marry her to help her out with a green card, just sign a prenup. Your infatuation with her should wear off in a real marriage.
    Jul 9 2
    • TripAdvisor hodlbtc
      way past infatuation stage already, that was maybe month 2
      Jul 9
    • Kaspersky Lab aye dais
      Then why on earth would you consider marriage?
      7d
  • Sony eHJB72
    Honestly it doesn’t matter whether you marry her or not. For some people, they have to learn the hard way. Why? Because they’re emotionally weak and that’s not something they can rationalize themselves out of. Basically, you’re at the whims of your emotions and you’re not strong enough to pull through even though it’s pretty obvious she’s not the right woman for you. But what can you do? Just ride it out and surrender yourself to your fate. We like to believe we can choose our paths but our paths were already determined by our circumstances.
    Jul 9 1
    • TripAdvisor hodlbtc
      interesting viewpoint
      Jul 9
  • I was in same boat as u but I married and now I literally cry everyday. Rip
    Jul 9 1
  • Facebook
    whatnext?

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    Microsoft
    whatnext?more
    Once you get married, one time per week is the maximum you will have no matter how horny your gf used to be before marriage. Ask married people around. And that’s ok!
    Jul 9 2
    • Microsoft antartica
      What you talking about? After kids, sure. But I agree, men are much more lustier
      Jul 9
    • Facebook
      whatnext?

      Facebook

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      Microsoft
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      After being married for a while no matter with or without kids.
      Jul 9
  • Microsoft hu27,&;
    Tldr you’re using her as a selfish prop when nearly all of your post says you don’t think she’s the right one for you. You’re wasting her time and playing with her as much as she (in the worst case) may be doing with you, but we haven’t heard her side. I think it’s entirely reasonable for her to move out if you’re not holding your promise so not sure that is manipulation.

    Leave. For your good and for her good. Getting back with her was entirely on you.
    Jul 9 0
  • Amazon echo $?
    Older married guy here. When I was in a similar situation my wife gave me the most reassuring answer to “I don’t think I’m ready.” It was “what can I do to help you get ready.” That was 17 years ago and I will remember it forever. It was the moment I was ready to take the plunge and marry her because I knew any doubts or fears or adversity we could face it together.

    You need to look at the general trend and not the specific instances. Can you conquer this together? If so, marry her. If not, you’ll have to get over losing her. Only you can answer that question.
    7d 0
  • Facebook zevx21
    You're going to regret it. Get out now! The sooner the better for both of you.
    Jul 9 0
  • Morgan Stanley ninja007
    Run the fuck away from this girl!

    Date around and bang these random girls - work on yourself. These red flags you talk about, people see these after 2-3 years of marriage. If you’re already seeing it - thank your stars you’re not married to her yet.

    R
    U
    N
    Jul 9 1
    • TripAdvisor hodlbtc
      Please elaborate, which red flags?
      It‘s hard to run from someone you love
      Jul 9
  • Cisco gogobot
    Dude! She will not change ever. Don’t fall for it and trust me you will be better off in the long run if you end it now. Life is way to short for bullshit like that. Noting will help you get over it like a new friendship with someone who is nice. Enjoy life and enjoy those who want to be happy around you. Good luck!
    Jul 9 0
  • Palo Alto Networks CandymanCA
    It’s obvious she wants a marriage visa. Run away. You can thank me later.
    Jul 9 0
  • Facebook bl@ckmamba
    Holy crap, that’s like all the red flags right there. Ditch her.
    Jul 9 0
  • Google singl4ever
    We can give better advice if we know your TC and her TC.
    Jul 9 0
  • Google blingblin
    I am on visa and I do not want to marry my partner just to stay. I told my partner I would work on my own visa. Don't feel pressured. If you are not sure you are not ready. And if you have turned to blind you are even more not ready. Also don't tag Google it is not related.
    Yesterday 0
  • Orion / Cust. Srv. 🌹♟🗡
    Don’t marry her, it sounds like a really bad relationship and marrying her will make it worse.
    Jul 9 0