Need advice on a dilemma. This girl and I dated for 3 years and I love her. I believe she genuinely likes me to stay with me, and tolerate me She has a visa issue and needs a marriage to someone with US residence to work in US. She mentioned this to me 2 months into the relationship, and the naive me at the time was dating to marry, so I had no problems. We broke up 6 months ago because she got into a situation where her schooling needed a valid visa. She asked about marriage, I said I wasn‘t ready to marry (we are mid-twenties), and I didn‘t want to hurt her any further, so we broke up. After the breakup was the sorriest state of my life. I could only eat, cry, and sleep. Had the worst pain (it actually felt like sharp physical pain) I‘d never experienced. I couldn‘t handle not seeing her again, so I called her everyday begging her to come back to me. After one very tough month of uncertainty, we got back together under my stupid word that I said I would finally marry her. I could finally breathe and I was happy again. I agreed to marriage because I thought it would stop the pain. We started to move in together, and the normal problems came back. Sometimes she started treating me with explosive anger, like how she would normally do, and saying really toxic things ie. "a man should be X, and do Y" and I cannot tolerate this behavior. I‘m with her because when she‘s in a good mood, she treats me really well, asks for my attention, is kind, patient, and thoughtful. Now we are at another impasse. She‘s asking for marriage because that is what I said when we moved in together. But I‘m still not sure if I can marry her. She wants to move out because I cannot marry her now. I love her, but I don‘t think I can marry this instant. She is tired and angry, always waiting for marriage past couple years. What makes me hesitant to marry is: i. her explosive anger, where sometimes I can get treated like dirt. But it‘s usually temporary ii. not experienced with girls, and am very attracted to random girls on the street. Somehow I feel the need to sleep with other girls, wtf? A married man cannot think like this. iii. difference in sex drive, she barely wants to have sex, <1 time a week, and I NEED it almost every day (is this why I keep looking at other random girls?) If I married now, those points said would linger, and possibly get worse into marriage What would you do if you were in my situation, or were you in my situation before? Anything that I should consider, any insights, advice? I‘m stuck and need help. TLDR; If I lose her, I‘m going to spiral into darkness and suffering. If I marry her now, our marriage will be riddled with 3 main problems
If you are asking you are not ready.
Okay, how do I become ready?
Sorry to jump in, just wanted to say that it’s not about you being ready. It’s the relationship isn’t ready for marriage. Granted we don’t know her side of things, but it doesn’t sound good... Would she still want to be with you if you moved to her country instead and didn’t get married? My suggestion is to find someone that brings you joy without any caveats. You deserve nothing less 🌈 Marriage isn’t the answer to a healthy relationship or to personal growth.
NOT ready and don’t do it for the reasons you mentioned. Also she isn’t that into you. She only needs a visa
Break up and get a therapist
TC or GTFO
Once you get married, one time per week is the maximum you will have no matter how horny your gf used to be before marriage. Ask married people around. And that’s ok!
But honestly if after 3 years of dating you are not sure - she is not the one. I dated a girl for 8 years and did not marry. Yet I married my wife 6 months after we met. Happily married for 5 years. 2 kids.
Please elaborate how you knew to marry after only 6 months?
I knew from the first day actually. We instantly fell in love and that feeling is with us since the day one. She has never done anything that would make me think or doubt if my choice was right. I am truly happy with her and don’t need any other girl. Besides, I was on visa and she was a US citizen marrying me due to visa expiration and she has never doubted that too. I was making 100k by that time but she thought I’m kind of sysadmin making 50k yet she never hesitated to marry me. She’s the kindest person I know.
GET OUT NOW
You can marry her to help her out with a green card, just sign a prenup. Your infatuation with her should wear off in a real marriage.
way past infatuation stage already, that was maybe month 2
Then why on earth would you consider marriage?
We can give better advice if we know your TC and her TC.
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Don't marry her! Look at all those red flags of abuse and manipulation. She's into you for your visa. Break it off, get a therapist, and move on. Or do you want to bet her half your belongings (house included) that the relationship will last?