Women in their late 20s / early 30s, do you think about what kind of a mother you will make? Me and my SO have been together for 8 years and lately I have been thinking about it all the time. I come from a loving family and had a very secure childhood. Growing up I always had access to my parents emotionally. By this I mean that I don’t remember my mother snapping at me, getting angry, or being depressed. I am doubtful if I can provide the same environment to my children. I was a very balanced individual till maybe 3 years ago. But now the increasing pressure and responsibility at work, issues with my parents have started taking their toll on me. I don’t think I can afford (for various reasons) to take a break from my job or switch and I don’t think the “maternity leave” is enough. Your brain only allows you to make a certain number of decisions a day and if you spend 50% of them at work I wonder what is left for home. I have a loving SO who helps with household chores but I don’t think he understands what the first few years of having a child is like. As life progresses so do the complications like work pressure, aging parents, etc. So what do you all do to combat this? How do you guys make sure you are always emotionally available to your kids? YOE 7/TC 150k edit: I guess this is applicable to both father and mother.
I found a guy who will be a great father. And he agreed to do most of the parenting 🙌🏼
Happy for you😊 good luck
Wow where did you find such a guy? I always feel like the guys I meet can't take responsibility of their own life, how will they ever take responsibility of the kids (and of me, partially). On a different note, you are a lucky woman. I hope you are doing your bit of the parenting.
I worry this all the time. Especially since I’m a man.
I am no mother but I had very similar questions as well You’d be surprised how quickly things change. I am very different person from what I am today then what I was before being a father. I am much more patient, calmer and now enjoy simple things that I had taken for granted. Taking care of a kid changes you. I never used to cry watching movies, now it seems I have turned into a panzy. Crying at anything emotional. It’s just weird I am very happy I have kids. My relationship with my spouse, my family has only gotten better since the kid. Yes first year was tough. But looking back, so worth it.
Thanks, your response makes me feel better.
Sometimes.. until you realized that many many many ask the same question before they become wonderful parents. That said, there is no competition. Everyone has their personality and style, and ditto for the kids.
I took the easy way out. No kids.
There have been literally billions of people who have done this before you. Take solace that you will be at least in the upper 50% of parents by the simple fact that you 1) make a decent wage and 2) even bother to ask yourself this question. Some economists once said that good parents are not identified by what books they read on parenting. They're identified by the fact that they cared enough to buy the book. Didn't even matter if they read it or not.
Thanks, I get your point.
As cliched as it sounds, you thinking about this itself makes me feel you will be or try to be emotionally available. Having kids was a hard transition for me, mainly w.r.t time. You should learn to prioritize ruthlessly. Not to scare you, a lot of things can go wrong initially eg: kid might not feed / take to breast / can be colicky. If you do not have a supportive partner, there will be lot of angst about sharing of chores. If you can weather the initial few months, it will get a lot easier. I know couple of friends who went to anxiety/depression and feeling like they lost control of their life. You will need lots of help domestic (mother’s helper) as well as emotional to overcome that. Also, it will be easier if you and your partner are in jobs that you like and don’t have issues with your lead. After kids, switching jobs is infinitely harder and will only add to the stress. I do want to mention that we had to try hard to have kids and if we had a chance to do over, we wouldn’t change a thing. All this stress and angst feels totally worth compared to the option of not having kids
What makes it so worth as opposed to the idea of not having kids?
Triggered - thanks, I guess yours is the kind of response that I was looking for. I have heard horror stories from my female friend about feeling tired, overwhelmed and isolated. But as long as there is light at the end of the tunnel it makes me feel optimistic.
I definitely have that fear and it’s a significant part of why I’m on that never having kids train. Choo chooooo.
I'm a father of a 2-year-old. Looking back, I had no idea what my colleagues where going through being parents, and I realize I was probably too demanding on them in some regards. When we decided to have kids we consciously accepted that our career goal ceiling will just be lower, and we're ok with that tradeoff. We decided this is more of a priority than TC and climbing the ladder. Some people prefer to maximize TC and have teams of au pairs, nannies, night nannies, but we just decided to work less (mostly 9-5).
Are fathers allowed to comment?
They are more than welcome to!