Do you ever worry that you might not make a good mother/father?

Apple fdBF27
Dec 10, 2018 22 Comments

Women in their late 20s / early 30s, do you think about what kind of a mother you will make? Me and my SO have been together for 8 years and lately I have been thinking about it all the time.

I come from a loving family and had a very secure childhood. Growing up I always had access to my parents emotionally. By this I mean that I don’t remember my mother snapping at me, getting angry, or being depressed. I am doubtful if I can provide the same environment to my children. I was a very balanced individual till maybe 3 years ago. But now the increasing pressure and responsibility at work, issues with my parents have started taking their toll on me.

I don’t think I can afford (for various reasons) to take a break from my job or switch and I don’t think the “maternity leave” is enough. Your brain only allows you to make a certain number of decisions a day and if you spend 50% of them at work I wonder what is left for home. I have a loving SO who helps with household chores but I don’t think he understands what the first few years of having a child is like. As life progresses so do the complications like work pressure, aging parents, etc.

So what do you all do to combat this? How do you guys make sure you are always emotionally available to your kids?

YOE 7/TC 150k

edit: I guess this is applicable to both father and mother.

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TOP 22 Comments
  • Microsoft ThisOrThat
    I am no mother but I had very similar questions as well

    You’d be surprised how quickly things change. I am very different person from what I am today then what I was before being a father. I am much more patient, calmer and now enjoy simple things that I had taken for granted.

    Taking care of a kid changes you. I never used to cry watching movies, now it seems I have turned into a panzy. Crying at anything emotional. It’s just weird

    I am very happy I have kids. My relationship with my spouse, my family has only gotten better since the kid. Yes first year was tough. But looking back, so worth it.
    Dec 10, 2018 1
    • Apple fdBF27
      OP
      Thanks, your response makes me feel better.
      Dec 10, 2018
  • Autodesk DouP01
    I found a guy who will be a great father. And he agreed to do most of the parenting 🙌🏼
    Dec 10, 2018 4
    • Autodesk / Eng Vjvcjko
      Happy for you😊 good luck
      Dec 10, 2018
    • New .fml.
      Wow where did you find such a guy? I always feel like the guys I meet can't take responsibility of their own life, how will they ever take responsibility of the kids (and of me, partially).

      On a different note, you are a lucky woman. I hope you are doing your bit of the parenting.
      Dec 10, 2018
    • Autodesk DouP01
      You bet! He’s my 6th long term relationship before tying the knot so it’s not easy lol. We both have the view that if we each think we do 80% of work ourselves we’d end up doing 50%.
      Dec 10, 2018
    • New .fml.
      Good point. I am glad you found the one.
      Dec 10, 2018
  • Microsoft Ogxlyzlyz
    There have been literally billions of people who have done this before you. Take solace that you will be at least in the upper 50% of parents by the simple fact that you 1) make a decent wage and 2) even bother to ask yourself this question. Some economists once said that good parents are not identified by what books they read on parenting. They're identified by the fact that they cared enough to buy the book. Didn't even matter if they read it or not.
    Dec 10, 2018 1
    • Apple fdBF27
      OP
      Thanks, I get your point.
      Dec 10, 2018
  • RingCentral / Eng
    Duck-Bezos

    RingCentral Eng

    PRE
    Yahoo, Oath
    BIO
    One life to live!
    Duck-Bezosmore
    Are fathers allowed to comment?
    Dec 10, 2018 1
    • Apple fdBF27
      OP
      They are more than welcome to!
      Dec 10, 2018
  • New dUNA71
    I'm a father of a 2-year-old. Looking back, I had no idea what my colleagues where going through being parents, and I realize I was probably too demanding on them in some regards.

    When we decided to have kids we consciously accepted that our career goal ceiling will just be lower, and we're ok with that tradeoff. We decided this is more of a priority than TC and climbing the ladder.

    Some people prefer to maximize TC and have teams of au pairs, nannies, night nannies, but we just decided to work less (mostly 9-5).
    Dec 10, 2018 0
  • Google / Eng Bluths
    I took the easy way out. No kids.
    Dec 10, 2018 0
  • Northrop Grumman / Eng HowCouldYu
    I worry this all the time. Especially since I’m a man.
    Dec 10, 2018 0
  • Microsoft triggered
    As cliched as it sounds, you thinking about this itself makes me feel you will be or try to be emotionally available.

    Having kids was a hard transition for me, mainly w.r.t time. You should learn to prioritize ruthlessly. Not to scare you, a lot of things can go wrong initially eg: kid might not feed / take to breast / can be colicky. If you do not have a supportive partner, there will be lot of angst about sharing of chores. If you can weather the initial few months, it will get a lot easier. I know couple of friends who went to anxiety/depression and feeling like they lost control of their life. You will need lots of help domestic (mother’s helper) as well as emotional to overcome that. Also, it will be easier if you and your partner are in jobs that you like and don’t have issues with your lead. After kids, switching jobs is infinitely harder and will only add to the stress.

    I do want to mention that we had to try hard to have kids and if we had a chance to do over, we wouldn’t change a thing. All this stress and angst feels totally worth compared to the option of not having kids
    Dec 10, 2018 3
    • Axtria BlindPts
      What makes it so worth as opposed to the idea of not having kids?
      Dec 10, 2018
    • Apple fdBF27
      OP
      Triggered - thanks, I guess yours is the kind of response that I was looking for. I have heard horror stories from my female friend about feeling tired, overwhelmed and isolated. But as long as there is light at the end of the tunnel it makes me feel optimistic.
      Dec 11, 2018
    • Microsoft triggered
      @BlindPts - to rephrase my favorite Mindy Kaling, “being a parent feels like owning a very cool tech startup where everyday when you come back home, your favorite developer will demo something cool they built”. You need to put sweat and money to make it work and not all startups might take off but you end up learning/changing in the process. Again, it might not be for everyone
      @Apple- Glad it made sense, there is. If you want sanity, do the cost benefit analysis of spending on help vs trying to do everything yourself. We still on weekends hire caretaker to look after my kid in the morning so we could have a longer nap and relaxed morning. Also, we women tend to be perfectionist, don’t try to get everything right. Just like your project it is okay sometimes to screw up ;)
      Dec 13, 2018
  • Microsoft FFSake
    Kids don’t need perfect parents. You are a perfect parent the moment kid is born. You can screw this “perfectness” but it takes hard dedication to do so (or just being a general jerk). Also - kids are going to probe you and will not even think of they can afford this parent or if they are perfect kid. So don’t bother, make them, love them, teach them, let them fly from your house ASAP
    Dec 10, 2018 0
  • AdColony / Other
    Lampin

    AdColony Other

    BIO
    Mobile Advertising
    Lampinmore
    I have two now: about to be 4 year old and 5 week old. I constantly worry and question my parenting. But I never question how I divide my time between career and kids. I am very passionate about my career and I love being able to be a working mom. I am confident that my daughters will benefit from this and have drive and inspiration.

    I think it's impossible to have perfection in both all the time, but the key is making sure that I am emotionally present for my kids. I focus a lot on that.
    Dec 11, 2018 0
  • NewRelic ACutePuppy
    I definitely have that fear and it’s a significant part of why I’m on that never having kids train. Choo chooooo.
    Dec 10, 2018 0
  • Microsoft / Eng JSessions
    Sometimes.. until you realized that many many many ask the same question before they become wonderful parents. That said, there is no competition. Everyone has their personality and style, and ditto for the kids.
    Dec 10, 2018 0

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