Do you ever worry that you might not make a good mother/father?
Women in their late 20s / early 30s, do you think about what kind of a mother you will make? Me and my SO have been together for 8 years and lately I have been thinking about it all the time.
I come from a loving family and had a very secure childhood. Growing up I always had access to my parents emotionally. By this I mean that I don’t remember my mother snapping at me, getting angry, or being depressed. I am doubtful if I can provide the same environment to my children. I was a very balanced individual till maybe 3 years ago. But now the increasing pressure and responsibility at work, issues with my parents have started taking their toll on me.
I don’t think I can afford (for various reasons) to take a break from my job or switch and I don’t think the “maternity leave” is enough. Your brain only allows you to make a certain number of decisions a day and if you spend 50% of them at work I wonder what is left for home. I have a loving SO who helps with household chores but I don’t think he understands what the first few years of having a child is like. As life progresses so do the complications like work pressure, aging parents, etc.
So what do you all do to combat this? How do you guys make sure you are always emotionally available to your kids?
YOE 7/TC 150k
edit: I guess this is applicable to both father and mother.
comments
You’d be surprised how quickly things change. I am very different person from what I am today then what I was before being a father. I am much more patient, calmer and now enjoy simple things that I had taken for granted.
Taking care of a kid changes you. I never used to cry watching movies, now it seems I have turned into a panzy. Crying at anything emotional. It’s just weird
I am very happy I have kids. My relationship with my spouse, my family has only gotten better since the kid. Yes first year was tough. But looking back, so worth it.
On a different note, you are a lucky woman. I hope you are doing your bit of the parenting.
When we decided to have kids we consciously accepted that our career goal ceiling will just be lower, and we're ok with that tradeoff. We decided this is more of a priority than TC and climbing the ladder.
Some people prefer to maximize TC and have teams of au pairs, nannies, night nannies, but we just decided to work less (mostly 9-5).
Having kids was a hard transition for me, mainly w.r.t time. You should learn to prioritize ruthlessly. Not to scare you, a lot of things can go wrong initially eg: kid might not feed / take to breast / can be colicky. If you do not have a supportive partner, there will be lot of angst about sharing of chores. If you can weather the initial few months, it will get a lot easier. I know couple of friends who went to anxiety/depression and feeling like they lost control of their life. You will need lots of help domestic (mother’s helper) as well as emotional to overcome that. Also, it will be easier if you and your partner are in jobs that you like and don’t have issues with your lead. After kids, switching jobs is infinitely harder and will only add to the stress.
I do want to mention that we had to try hard to have kids and if we had a chance to do over, we wouldn’t change a thing. All this stress and angst feels totally worth compared to the option of not having kids
@Apple- Glad it made sense, there is. If you want sanity, do the cost benefit analysis of spending on help vs trying to do everything yourself. We still on weekends hire caretaker to look after my kid in the morning so we could have a longer nap and relaxed morning. Also, we women tend to be perfectionist, don’t try to get everything right. Just like your project it is okay sometimes to screw up ;)
I think it's impossible to have perfection in both all the time, but the key is making sure that I am emotionally present for my kids. I focus a lot on that.