Does anyone else feel dating is really adversarial?
I've felt like guys are doing everything possible to get me to cry on a date and I'm doing everything possible not to cry. In those situations should I get up and leave immediately when I'm being insulted? As there's no need to be polite at that time. Such as guys wanting to do something that I have no interest in doing but they won't try my activities that they have no interest in doing so it seems really unfair to me. Sometimes I feel like screaming at them to stop bullying me. These are bad date examples rather when I've been humiliated. I'm allergic to alcohol and the guy knew that. But he suggested we go wine tasting. I suggested perhaps we bike between the wineries that could be ok and interesting for me. He didn't want to bike but I don't drink so it would be very boring to me. I am lactose intolerant and friends told me that the food that goes with wine tastings is cheese so it wouldn't be fun for me. Another example is meeting someone for dinner. When we met I suggested a restaurant I like but he didn't want to go there so as we were walking around I suggested others that looked interesting. At that point I was just so hungry that when he finally a restaurant he liked I didn't care anymore even though I mentioned I didn't even like that food. I feel it was really inconsiderate and probably I should have just left the date at that point. I did tell him I didn't feel very good that he didn't want to try any of the restaurants I suggested and only wanted to go to a restaurant I didn't like. I thought we should find something we both like but he didn't say anything to that so I stopped talking to him.
wtf? If a guy knows what he’s doing, dates should be fun for the girl, not confrontational. Sounds like they’re insecure or clueless (or both)
That's a great way to plan for a future divorce.
Yes. People will respect you more if you (literally) stand up for yourself
Self respect and dignity is way more important than anything in life. Don't ever compromise on that. Hope you find better dates! Also, call out people who do that instead of just walking out. This kind of behavior is definitely not acceptable!
Should I call them out and then walk out? Call them out and still stay?
Ofc walk out Are you trolling OP?! Why would you even want to date men like that?!
Maybe stop dating based on looks alone and give normal guys a chance?
You're making assumptions. I never said I was dating based on looks. These were guys who approached me while I was doing my normal activities such as at a cafe, meetup groups.
Seconded
Allergic to alcohol? Really?
And lactose, right?
Microsoft #1 and #2, keep your shit on r/thedonald until you get a job with a company that matters.
First off, I’m sorry the guys have been jerks. Plan the date in advance as opposed to winging it. If your date has other ideas, you can discuss it ahead of time. Then you can back out if you feel pressured. You can also try something that isn’t based around an activity and focus more on getting to know one another. That’s what I did when my wife and I were dating; we’d do picnics, coffee, dinner, going to the park, etc. She and I have very different interests and we didn’t want to have the other feeling left out. Even after many years together, our best dates are still those where we sit in a cozy restaurant and talk.
gentleman identified!
Planning in advance would help me to weed out those guys. I don't feel comfortable to go on a picnic or remote location with a guy in the first few dates. But going to get coffee or a restaurant could be ok if we like the same food. Thanks!
Sounds like you are dating assholes? Maybe bad luck, maybe bad selection, or maybe you are attracted to assholes.
It was the first or second date. I'm wondering how to handle it if it should happen again. Planning more in advance would probably be good.
I see a couple things to think about. How are you meeting or choosing the guys you date? If you focus on outward factors like attractiveness, success, money ... those people are more likely to be self centered and assholes. 2) Communication and assertiveness. When you express that you don't want to do something, why are you apparently being ignored? Are you hinting you don't like something (guys never get hints! Be explicit), Are you tepidly saying you don't want to do something but compromising immediately (some guys will read that as weakness or submissiveness and want to dominate you.) Are you firmly setting boundaries and the guy doesn't care (i.e. he's an asshole and doesn't give a fuck). Finally, how do you set boundaries and react when they are crossed anyways. Do you reaffirm the boundaries? Do you allow the guy to cross them? Should you cut him off? Generally, you may have similar issues in all your relationships, and it could be worth thinking about. Good luck.
You sound high maintenance
Allergic to alcohol? FOH.
Yeah, OP, what kind of allergies are we talking about here? Asian glow? In which case I don’t see why you couldn’t have a few sips of wine, and also, cheese has trace amounts of lactose.
To be honest it doesn’t sound like the guys are “doing everything possible to make [you] cry”. They might not be the most attuned to your needs, but it’s not obvious that they’re intentionally being adversarial. Maybe ya’ll need to communicate better.
Well I didn't feel good to give those examples where they were trying to make me cry. In the examples I gave I clearly said my needs and they didn't listen. In hindsight I should have cut off contact immediately rather giving them the benefit of the doubt.
When did you state your needs? At some random time in the past and you expected him to remember? Or did you tell him right after he suggested wine and cheese? If the latter, then yeah that’s kind of insensitive/stupid of him.
Example?
Let me guess - a vegan or somebody who’s into raw food. Doesn’t eat, doesn’t drink.