Driving habits and conflict

Intel McComic
Jun 8 34 Comments

Hi there.

My partner's driving habbits are making me nervous. I am trying to talk to him he is saying it doesn't make sense so i will ignore it. He did not cause any accidents, has been driving us around which i so appreciate from him. But he is doing high risk moves in the highways, not giving enough following distance at times. Its making me so nervous, he is not accepting any feedback as he said stop commenting on my driving.

He sometimes drives at 80mph and i get nervous and suggest not to exceed 72mph on highways even if its empty. He is not open to that again doesnt make sense to him. Also on stop lights and red lights he gets too close to the car in front of us like 2 inches close. Its making me nervous and he is saying it doesnt make sense everyone is super slow anyway but the rule is give space until you see the wheels of the car in front of you, i like going by the rules on roads. It kinda makes sense but whenever we do not follow the rules I get nervous.

He grewup driving like this. He is so opinionated. I lived in Scandinavia, best thing i learned from them was to obey the rules, they have very low corruption, must be related. My partner hates it when i get nervous. This is the only issue in our relationship. Otherwise he is a wonderful person. And i love him.

Since most of you are men maybe you can emphatize how I can talk to him. I might even suggest going to a couple counselor and have him hear other point of view. Or drive the car myself, then he starts commenting on my driving like a duello. His family admits they go nuts when he is on the steering wheel. But i do not want to involve them.

When our kid and dog are on the car I am a bit more anxious. It is ruining our weekends.

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TOP 34 Comments
  • New / Eng JexD77
    80mph is normal speed for NorCal highways. Also distance depends on the personal comfort/reaction time.
    Sounds like you have no trust in your partner. This is something to look into.
    Jun 8 9
    • New / Eng JexD77
      It really depends on how people learnt to drive and their experience. Also leaving more space isn’t always safer, especially in traffic, others often try to squeeze in and it either ends badly, or makes you too close again, then you give up more space and somebody squeezes in again. In the same time tailgating on empty roads is a problem in the eyes of police. If this is the case, you can talk to him about possible outcomes, less money for the family after fines, his restricted driving will hinder your freedoms. Try to tackle things one by one, with specific concerns, rather than asking to change driving style. And definitely don’t bring up Scandinavia and obey all the rules, it’d would drive me mad faster than 80mph :)
      Jun 8
    • Intel McComic
      OP
      Lol. No i didn't mention Scandinavia to him. I was trying to describe how i approach it. He finds some rules stupid.
      Jun 8
    • New / Eng JexD77
      Good luck :)
      Jun 8
    • Tesla dizzypop
      Are you one of those people who leave a full car’s length between them and the next car at the traffic light stop?
      Jun 8
    • SAP tjjW71
      The problem is not even his style of driving. The problem seems to be that he is not bothered enough to heed his partner's request ESPECIALLY when that is ALSO what safe driving laws dictate. That he HAS received a ticket shows that OP isn't imagining this, her partner IS reckless. Counseling would be a definite way ahead.
      Jun 8
  • New / Eng QTdN03
    I don’t like unsafe drivers either, but it’s pretty safe to go 80mph on an empty highway. Danger comes with sudden movements and sudden stops.
    Jun 8 2
    • Intel McComic
      OP
      But cops can give us tickets. I just want to enjoy the ride and not get stressed over things.
      Jun 8
    • SAP tjjW71
      A very valid concern, OP.
      Jun 8
  • Oracle / Eng such1slife
    Only issue in your relationship - you are lucky :p

    Call cops on him so that he gets a ticket

    On a serious note why don't you drive and gift him safe driving lessons?

    If you are a troll at least use paragraphs. Buhbye now!
    Jun 8 2
    • Intel McComic
      OP
      He pulled forward on traffic lights when road got crowded making it impossuble to pass on green. Cops catched him. Then he pulled. Got the ticket. I was hoping he would learn something from them. And this would give him an example to obey rules even if it doesnt make sense.
      Jun 8
    • Oracle / Eng such1slife
      He was about to get one? And then you say he got one and didn't learn

      TROLL!
      Jun 8
  • Microsoft 10^100
    He will be careful when he will have his kids in the car.
    Jun 8 1
    • Intel McComic
      OP
      We are in our mid thirties. People do not seem to change at this age.
      Jun 8
  • Comcast / Eng Eyla63
    There's a lot going on here.

    1. Most people don't like being told what to do.

    2. If a speeding ticket for going 80 won't financially ruin your family, give up on that one. Pick your battles!

    3. It's very reasonable to be nervous as the passenger of a crazy driver. The driver is in control and they feel safe. You have no control and your safety is at their mercy.

    Be consistent, kind, but firm after each car ride and let your partner know that you're anxious because you spent the ride being nervous. Focus on how you feel and NOT picking on his specific driving habits. This is hard because you want to genuinely share how you feel without coming off as whining or complaining. If he tells you to stop complaining, just say that you are sharing how you feel.

    I'm sure he'll push back and just hope that you get over it. But be consistent. And gentle. Eventually suggest that even if he feels safe and in control and that he may be fine driving like that when he's alone, ask him to be willing to adjust to make you feel better. Even a little. Again don't focus on specific driving behaviors. Let him think about it, hopefully come to his own decision, and he can choose what behaviors to improve.

    This may not work, but it probably has a higher chance of working than to nag him about all his specific habits.

    People can change in their 30s. Not completely and at once. But small adjustments are definitely possible. The person just needs to be able to make the decision themselves without feeling cornered. And they need to feel good about it. Less guilt. More, "ok, maybe I'll try a little change to make my partner happier since they've been kind and reasonable about the situation."

    Uh, good luck. Success is not guaranteed.
    Jun 8 1
    • Intel McComic
      OP
      Thank you. It sounds reasonable. I started being scared after he took an exit in the last second crossing illegally to the exit (crossing over the solid line) we had two kids in the car and 3 adults. One of the kids got so scared and told him to never do such turns. It was at night and we were high speed. Since then i started being worried for every little thing when he is not following the rules. Yeah as someone here said i started having trust issue due to his impulsive driving.
      Jun 9
  • Intel Riso4eve
    Just get motion sickness and throw up in the car. My wife did that. Made me change my driving habits (at least when she’s in the car).

    Another idea: make him pay for it. Get one of those insurance companies that have the thing that plugs into your car, so they can track speed/driving habits. Make your marriage depend on it, because your life already does.
    Jun 10 4
    • Intel McComic
      OP
      We just had qnother conflict. He had his phone in his hands asking google voice commands. Keeping phone on his lap. Steering the wheel with his leg on it. And when i mentioned my worry for all that, he got pissed and said what is wrong with all that? and told me do not give me advice because I do not respect your driving and whining and complaining. I said maybe we should breakup as this is getting quite disrespectful. He thinks i am trying to control him which is totally not my intention. I am off to a vacation he just dropped us to the airport. I feel like crying now. I told him i will drive myself next time.
      Jun 10
    • Intel Riso4eve
      I’m sorry you’re going through this. Your husband is very stubborn and doesn’t care enough to accommodate you. I too was like that early in my relationship with my now wife, and I know what it’s like to be stubborn. Things like counseling are not going to help, he will plug his ears thinking he knows better. What he needs is a significant life changing event to re-evaluate himself, and that change must come from within him. If separation/divorce is not enough, then I’m afraid he never viewed you as an equal partner, worth enough to change one’s self. Please move on, you and your kids don’t deserve such a dangerous environment.
      Jun 10
    • Intel McComic
      OP
      He thinks i am the stubborn one 😥 i dont like ultimatoms but absolutely this is what i view this whole thing as well. Not sure how to address this issue. I proposed a breakup. I need professional advice on this one.
      Jun 10
    • Intel Riso4eve
      This is borderline domestic abuse since he is putting you and your kid at risk. Try and get his drivers license suspended, many places allow you to report reckless drivers. Like I said, he needs a significant event to make him change his own behavior.
      Jun 10
  • Microsoft / Eng thebiglife
    Your problem us not abt him driving safely but about respecting traffic laws. If the posted speed limit were 80mph, you're likely ok - ja? Try to talk to him about your concerns in a neutral way, when he is not driving and when he is in a good mood - take the pressure off - he'll listen and try to share his side of the story. He's probably boiling inside (abt some traffic or govt or some crap that humans tend to carry) and it's just a learned behaviour he is not in direct control of. Good luck - this is not a problem... If you want to be stress free, switch to back seat and don't look at the road or speedometer 👍
    Jun 8 1
    • Intel McComic
      OP
      I think you are right on. Thank you so much.
      Jun 8
  • Cisco / Eng
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    Why dont u start driving? In case he ask for driving be honest and tell him u r scared.
    Jun 8 1
    • Intel McComic
      OP
      That's exactly what my dad suggested.
      Jun 8
  • Intel McComic
    OP
    I mentioned these things are distracting you and i feel unsafe. He says no, i am in full control.
    Jun 10 1
    • Bloomberg errors
      Why are you risking your and your kid’s life for a guy who doesn’t give a shit about you and your kid ? Even if you will stop going out with him or drive by yourself, you will always be worried when he is out driving alone. Just get divorce and have few months pain rather than crying for your whole life.
      Jun 10
  • Bloomberg errors
    Stop going out in car with him. Drive by yourself or take cabs. May be that will make him realize that you are really scared of the way he drives.
    Also, driving crazy is not just putting your life at risk but he may hurt others also. Just one mistake and it will change your life and someone else’s along with you. So call cops when he breaks any rule.
    Jun 9 1
    • Intel McComic
      OP
      Yeah. I should start driving myself.
      Jun 9
  • Intel McComic
    OP
    Not a troll dear. I corrected my sentence.
    Jun 8 0