Been married nearly 8 years. Husband is great (kind, funny, smart, attentive to me). He can be kind of a p*ssy, but honestly I knew what I was getting when I chose him, and on balance he's a catch.
I went through a really dark place after I became a mom, and ended up in a kind of crisis. Lost so much of my identify that I found I needed to do something extreme to reclaim some semblance of autonomy. Instead of going down the divorce road, I ended up reconnecting with an old boyfriend. I thought it would be a short-term fix to get me through the dark time, but I ended up really falling for him. Pretty hard. And it was mutual. He proposed to me.
I chose my marriage. I told the lover, and he gets it, though of course he is hoping I change my mind. Now I'm trying to fall out of love with him so I have a fighting chance of falling back in love with the husband. It's getting more difficult every day. This affair went on for more than 2 years.
Maybe there's something from the collective wisdom out there to help me through this? (I mean, doubtful, given the toxic shit mostly posted here, but worth a shot.)
- Facebook QVuq04You’re likely going to rinse and repeat the same thing with the other lover ex boyfriend if you left your husband. Might be fun for a few months, a year at most and pretty quick you’re going to fall in the same spot and look for the next fix. Try to understand what got you here in the first place, seeking comfort in new people is like moving cities to run away from something but that something is inside you and no amount of chasing will change it. Maybe a good starting point is to realize the irony in you saying the shit here on blind is toxic yet you yourself call your husband a pus*y instead of understanding him as a person. Your reap what you sow.
- The best advice Ive seen here and would give is, see a therapist/council. Google has good services. Here's why... You don't want to create this pattern of behavior for your daughter and future generations. I'm going out on a limb and say your dark place has something deep rooted in you past which you need to address. Speak to a professional. If you want to protect your daughter, work the best investment.... starting with you. (Non toxic advice)
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- Thats irrelevant. You made the conscious decision to cheat on your husband. Rather than walk away from him you cheated. There is no sympathy for you. Never told you to kill yourself. Told you to quit at life and get help until you are ready to have a stable relationship with kids and whoever.Mar 96
- Amazon / Eng-_-_-morereddit.com/r/relationships is a better place for this; no offense intended but the people of blind likely won't have good advice for you.
- Optym / Opsrmams91Reddit is a representation of a much wider community, as opposed to blind's tech-dominated pool of accounts. And I guess people might get into affairs more often when working or spending time with people every day as opposed to working at a desk spending a lot of time in front of a screen. So people on Reddit may end up being more helpful.
- Wow how did u manage affair, full time mom and also working at google (that too without ur husband noticing it ). I guess there is a lot of disconnect between 2 of you that even now he doesn’t know about it. I am sorry to say but personally I see that you would go back and cheat of him again, I guess be honest and tell it husband about the affair and have a open talk of what you need and why you did it. I still can’t get around the fact that no one noticed it
- Being honest in relationships if that’s a bad idea, I doubt that you will understand how relationships work and what they mean. I guess all the talk of being for your child and stuff is temporary very soon you will again be selfish and start having a affair. If you don’t admit the problem and try to solve it, you are just wasting everyone’s time. In relationships you solve the problem my involving others but I guess u already feel ur man is not man enough to be involved in any discussion making. I can tell u you will CHEAT again soon .Mar 97
- Are you trying to manipulate control of the situation by withholding the truth? Obviously.
Will disclosing infidelity make it worse? Initially, of course.
Is your relationship between you and your husband going to grow and flourish until then? Highly unlikely.
You may feel like you can compartmentalize this guilt and shame but in time it will permeate almost all facets of your life. You will suffer, and it will negatively affect your husband and child.
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- Microsoft ccmbrwaterWhatever you do, don't tell your husband. The true dishonesty has already happened and saying the words is just a cowardly attempt to take it off your conscience. And if he is the p*ssy you said, he won't do the right thing which is walking off. You'll probably work it out the hard way but there is no point. If you trust yourself to be honest, then act it out. Get back to your family and commit.
- Joyent / MgmtA MousemoreI read this with some significant discomfort. I remember when my dad and mom sat us kids down, told us how he had "acquired a girlfriend". This didn't end well.
Ok, seeing the other 140+ comments as of now on this, I am not sure I can add anything of significant insight beyond a few simple things.
First, had my dad not told me, I would have likely been able to piece it together myself. You should assume your child, and your husband will be able to as well. You should assume that the secret will be unmasked. No matter how smart you think you are, you have slipped up in some way.
This is not meant to scare you. Simply you should assume that the information has been, or will be, discovered. What you do, and how you handle it is far more important than you think. If you choose to hide it and it gets out, game over. If you control the release, no matter how painful the situation, this sets up a place to work from.
Second, you refer to your husband in a derogatory manner. He is the safe boring choice. Your ex is the exciting/preferable choice, literally from your own word usage. More in a moment.
Third, it appears your concern is more about your child than anything else. Really, I am not seeing much discussion from you on what this would do to your husband. You are only worried about the child. This may be in part, because, apart from other obvious signs, you feel resigned to "do the right thing" by the child, and you resent that it is your husband that you need to be with. Hence you are lashing out at him with an insult.
So there's that.
Ok, what you should do. The people suggesting seeing a therapist are spot on. The people suggesting you never tell anyone and ghost the ex are way off.
You need to get the therapy going ASAP. Its urgent.
Basically, you need to deal with some bad stuff. I would recommend speaking to your primary care physician, as they are also privileged, and can help you with getting a diagnosis of depression.
Oh, I am not a doctor, and I don't dispense medical advice or diagnoses. Yes, it's obvious to me you are depressed. Takes one to know one, if you understand my meaning. Go to your primary care, again, ASAP, go through the nice little form they give you, and tally up the score. It was an eye opener for me personally, when I found myself unable or unwilling to write down an answer for one of the questions. The meds you get help. Again, experience.
Next, the kid. Kids are resilient. They bounce back. They will be hurt. They will be more hurt if a lie is perpetuated.
Finally the husband or the ex. I'm gonna say it, you did screw the pooch here. There are no good outcomes, only varying degrees of bad outcomes. You need to go for that counseling now, and get the diagnosis you need quickly, BEFORE you make decisions about whether or not you will open up to your family.
I do feel bad for your husband though, as he either knows and loves you too much to let this get in the way, doesn't know and is generally clueless, or has a sense that something is wrong, and may have been looking into it. In none of these cases is hiding this information good for anyone.
For example, what if the ex can't take "no" for an answer and decides to inject himself into the discussion to "fight" for you. If you think your current state is bad, you can call that a clusterf*** of significant proportions.
You need to work out that you love yourself. You do appear to want to protect your child. You need to figure out if you actually love your husband. If not, you need to be honest about that. It sounds to me like you love the ex, and like your husband.
This is why you need to get over to a counselor now, and get the right diagnosis and meds to start down the path of unf***ing this situation.
- Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I'm really sorry that happened to your family. You are right that I've fallen out of love with my husband, and in love with someone else. However, that is a transitory thing. I was once in love with my husband, too. I suspect spouses fall in and out of love several times throughout a marriage. Maintaining faith that it will flourish again is a legitimate reason to stay. I'll think on your advice. Thank youMar 111
- Good luck to you. Life is hard.
Some how I feel if you were a man people on here wouldn't be as hard on you.
- Facebook HolidayCatIt sounds like you have no remorse for your affair whatsoever. Please do your husband a favor and leave, or at least tell him so he can make the decision for himself.
Also, I hope the same thing happens in the future to you with someone you think you love.
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- Puppet p00d4wg75Marriage is about commitment. You aren’t always gonna feel like you’re totally in love with your spouse because marriage can be forever and shit happens. Lots of ups and downs. Time will help. Drop the lover and never look back if you want to make your marriage work. And then just be present. If it’s gonna happen again it will.
- As someone who fell hard for someone and didn’t act on it—it *is* excruciating. The feelings didn’t end until I told my wife. Nothing happened, so it was easier to confess—but the spell had broken. It wasn’t a secret, forbidden feeling. She said it was natural to be attracted to others and told me “there’s nothing to forgive.”
In your case you did act on it and betrayed your spouse. You need to come clean and tell him that the affair is over and you want to heal your marriage.
If you feel like you can’t do this, you’re the coward, not your husband—but the path forward requires therapy, ideally for both you and your husband but at least for just you.
- 1) congrats on choosing your marriage and husband and daughter, that was the hard part
2) don’t tell your husband. What’s done is done and nothing good can come out of it. This isn’t a super hero movie with a happy ending, you need to be a bit wily and cunning. People get away with lies and crimes and that’s what you want to happen here. People also change spontaneous for the better as well. That’s also what we want to happen here too.
3) burn the bridge with the affair. Block him, delete contact. Change your number, block his number so you don’t get calls or text (block on a cellphone and carrier level if possible) block on Facebook and LinkedIn and all social media’s. Avoid driving near his home or work or meeting places.
4) fake being a loyal wife until you make it. Eventually you’ll become the loyal wife again. I like the book atomic habits for personal change
5) rekindle with husband. This I’m not so sure about how to do, you should do research and experiment with many things here.
6) love isn’t a fleeting feeling but a commitment, a sacrifice, a desire for good for the other, it is a choice between the hard thing and the easy self serving thing. It won’t always be hard but there exist hard moments.
Good luck, I believe in you and your intentions and second or third or fourth chances :)
- Concealing infidelity creates an environment of isolation. Isolation is what allowed OP to make the decisions she did. By remaining in isolation and cutting off the affair, you’re only setting the stage for the next big distraction from the shame and guilt she’s inevitably feeling.
- Tachyus HfvB54Ditch the p*ssy, go for the man you really love. Life is too short not to be with the people you really want to be with :).
On the other hand, what the f.. do I know to give advises ;p
- SAP 8281jsbsDon’t rush to your ex or husband. You need space from everyone to think through what is it you want from your life as far as relationship is concerned. You can call it off with both off them and move on with time. You can start everything fresh in a few years once you are through this dilemma. Rushing a decision never helps specially when we have family dependencies.
- No - the issue is that when things got tough she reached for some extra dick.
After her first trip through family court she’ll realize it was some pretty expensive cock. Like, $150,000 per inch expensive.
Attorneys love people like her.
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- You're f*****. Sorry, but the damage is now irreversible. I just hope you don't have kids -- they don't need to witness your filthy actions on this Earth. Even if they never hear about it explicitly, you will convey it subtly. Learn to not cheat and be more morally grounded as things start to go south or get boring. "Being flawed" is not an excuse to screw up the lives of people around you.
My statement is not religiously motivated nor am I against women. But what you did is inexcusable. You will pay the price sooner or later unfortunately -- you'll see.
- Post-partum is a serious issue and should be treated as such. OP, if you see a comment that looks mean, I’d stop reading it because a lot of people just don’t understand that you experienced a severe and easily overlooked psychological affliction.
The thing with marriage is...lots of those early sentiments you interpret as being “in love” fade away somewhat. You ultimately chose to stay with him, so you still love him. He’s just not new and fun and representative of free-love and non-responsibility.
I’d focus more on building the rest of your lives together and realizing the joy you will share with him in that.
- You need to divorce your husband or at least tell him. It's terrible if he never learns about this - every day would be a lie.
After reading some of your comments, You won't tell him because it's bad for you. It's very selfish even after you've stopped the act. You have no regard for his well being
- Amazon PowerfulSorry for delay in response. Blind snowflakes had my account temp blocked from posting for a few weeks. Now that I can post, I just want you to know that I think you are a terrible and selfish person.
- Seriously, if you don’t know anything about postpartum, then please learn a little about it before commenting.
Here’s a link: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/postpartum-depression/symptoms-causes/syc-20376617
I can’t diagnose, but I can recognize what might be going on. This happened to a friend of mine and it’s no joke.
- It happened to a friend of mine too. She said she had severe depression and bursts of uncontrollable crying & and an accompanying mental inability to cope with the gargantuan task of caring for a new-born infant. She didn't have any family to help at that time, and suffered this EVEN WITH a supportive husband. I came to know of this only later, and felt very bad for her. No woman should have to go through this unprepared and/ or alone, along with the ALREADY terrific emotional & physical stress of first birthing, and then caring for a new-born.
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- Google nlxS44You should seriously reconsider divorce, but you don’t need to mention specifics. Sounds like you will never have a “traditional” happy home. It will be worse for your child if neither of you are clearly happy in the relationship. Take it from my personal experience and that of my other relatives with parents who *should* have divorced but didn’t. Kids often don’t care as much as you’d think — might depend on how old they are though. I wouldn’t have.
Also I would question whether you will actually be able to cut it off with this other guy since you’ve gotten away with it for a while, but only you know whether you can do that or not.
- Completely understand why you did it and how it happened. The issue is not the cheating it is the falling in love with someone else. I think you're on the right path - ending it no matter how painful, focus on your relationship, and maybe some time in future also see a counsellor or at least openly address that there is something missing for you from the relationship but you still want the relationship dearly. Maybe together the 2 of you can make adjustments. In the end sleeping with someone else once in a while on a business trip is hardly an issue if it hasn't done harm so far, but done you good (mentally). If he is not such a p**3y as you think. he will understand you and might even share similar feelings himself. (I definitely had the same reaction as a father after 2 kids)
- AIG / DesignmanONpointmoreI have one advice for you. Own it and start again. Neither you or your husband deserves all this complications. Keep it simple and move on. It will hurt but your conscience will be clear and you’d still have a shot at life again. Maybe you and your husband try getting back afterwards but right now its time to move on.