Relationships

Ending an affair. Excruciating.

Google vOw81
Mar 9

Been married nearly 8 years. Husband is great (kind, funny, smart, attentive to me). He can be kind of a p*ssy, but honestly I knew what I was getting when I chose him, and on balance he's a catch.

I went through a really dark place after I became a mom, and ended up in a kind of crisis. Lost so much of my identify that I found I needed to do something extreme to reclaim some semblance of autonomy. Instead of going down the divorce road, I ended up reconnecting with an old boyfriend. I thought it would be a short-term fix to get me through the dark time, but I ended up really falling for him. Pretty hard. And it was mutual. He proposed to me.

I chose my marriage. I told the lover, and he gets it, though of course he is hoping I change my mind. Now I'm trying to fall out of love with him so I have a fighting chance of falling back in love with the husband. It's getting more difficult every day. This affair went on for more than 2 years.

Maybe there's something from the collective wisdom out there to help me through this? (I mean, doubtful, given the toxic shit mostly posted here, but worth a shot.)

comments

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  • Facebook QVuq04
    You’re likely going to rinse and repeat the same thing with the other lover ex boyfriend if you left your husband. Might be fun for a few months, a year at most and pretty quick you’re going to fall in the same spot and look for the next fix. Try to understand what got you here in the first place, seeking comfort in new people is like moving cities to run away from something but that something is inside you and no amount of chasing will change it. Maybe a good starting point is to realize the irony in you saying the shit here on blind is toxic yet you yourself call your husband a pus*y instead of understanding him as a person. Your reap what you sow.
    Mar 914
    • Google vOw81
      OP
      I'd really like my daughter to have a traditional home with two loving parents, instead of missing half her nights with each of us and being shuttled back and forth.
      Mar 9
    • Google vOw81
      OP
      @OgUa26 that's a good question. I'll think on that for a while. To be honest, I think truly I chose my daughter more than I chose my husband. To leave would be to tear her life apart and risk her not wanting a relationship with me.
      Mar 9
    • Uber / Eng#muga
      I think MSFT is asking regarding the relationship with your husband. Staying in the marriage just for your daughter doesn’t address the underlying issue
      Mar 9
    • Twitch / ProductCP0
      It sounds like you kind of chose your daughter more than you chose yourself, sort of sad... but your husband seems like the biggest loser in this situation with any outcome :/

      This sounded kind of mean on second look, but I just wanted to make an observation
      Mar 9
    • Cisco gmann
      The best advice Ive seen here and would give is, see a therapist/council. Google has good services. Here's why... You don't want to create this pattern of behavior for your daughter and future generations. I'm going out on a limb and say your dark place has something deep rooted in you past which you need to address. Speak to a professional. If you want to protect your daughter, work the best investment.... starting with you. (Non toxic advice)
      Mar 10
    • Salesforce SSCU75
      Isn't there research that says couple who stay together for the kid end up hurting the kid more? Figure out how to reconnect with your husband, even if it's just for the kid. Or you'll cheat again and again, and the kid will find out.
      Mar 10
    • VMware BobbleHat
      @CPO I hope you don’t have kids, if you think personal sacrifice for them is sad...😒
      Mar 11
    • Twitch / ProductCP0
      @bobble I was suggesting the situation is sad, not the act of sacrificing for one's kids
      Mar 12
    • Cisco gmann
      @CPO But that's not what you wrote.
      Mar 13
    • Cisco gmann
      Better to offer suggestions to help OP vs coming in with vaguest of BS statement like @SSCU75.
      Mar 13
  • Flagged by the community.

    • Google vOw81
      OP
      Advising someone to kill themselves over something as common as having an affair is way out of proportion. Yes, I'm flawed. I'm human. That hardly is a good reason for my daughter not to have a mother, especially one who treasures her everyday and showers love on her.
      Mar 9
    • Microsoft / Eng
      ParxAve

      MicrosoftEng

      PRE
      Apple
      ParxAvemore
      I think every non-TC post should have a PS of the form: Uberoos, your advice is not solicited
      Mar 9
    • Uber badtings
      Thats irrelevant. You made the conscious decision to cheat on your husband. Rather than walk away from him you cheated. There is no sympathy for you. Never told you to kill yourself. Told you to quit at life and get help until you are ready to have a stable relationship with kids and whoever.
      Mar 9
    • American Express ...🔞....
      Uber lacks life experience.... it's more complicated than 'oh I hate all cheaters" don't worry that won't be you, forever a virgin and nobody wants you. it takes a man to offer op some real advice. grow the f up
      Mar 9
    • Uber badtings
      ^Nah
      Mar 9
    • Salesforce SSCU75
      ITT: cheaters who think their desire to fuck anything that moves equates to 'life experience' / 'being human'
      Mar 10
    • Cisco gmann
      You b!tches are quick to judge as you live perfect lives. OP came and expressed regret and asked for advice....and you come in kicking? You mother should be ashamed. Have some empathy
      Mar 10
    • Google vOw81
      OP
      Yeah some people need to calm down. You sound like those extremist people who claim to be better than everyone but who would beat their wife senseless or have her stoned if she cheated.
      Mar 10
    • Salesforce SSCU75
      Op wants to know how to fall out of love with the man she is cheating with. The regret here is that she doesn't want to give up her stable life. Just like most cheaters.
      Mar 10
    • Cisco gmann
      I decided I don't like Uber
      Mar 10
  • Amazon / Eng
    -_-_-

    AmazonEng

    PRE
    Uber
    -_-_-more
    reddit.com/r/relationships is a better place for this; no offense intended but the people of blind likely won't have good advice for you.
    Mar 94
    • Microsoft / Eng
      tarasenko

      MicrosoftEng

      BIO
      Intern @ MS
      tarasenkomore
      Why would reddit be better? What makes random internet people better than blind?
      Mar 10
    • Reddit nononoyes
      Blind is random internet people
      Mar 10
    • Optym / Opsrmams91
      Reddit is a representation of a much wider community, as opposed to blind's tech-dominated pool of accounts. And I guess people might get into affairs more often when working or spending time with people every day as opposed to working at a desk spending a lot of time in front of a screen. So people on Reddit may end up being more helpful.
      Mar 10
    • Microsoft / Eng
      tarasenko

      MicrosoftEng

      PRE
      Microsoft, Grab
      tarasenkomore
      Hmmm wouldn’t you want advice from people who haven’t been in affairs, in any case sounds like a lot of assumptions... blind people at least have a floor for intelligence and TC and a common work experience
      Mar 10
  • Salesforce babyShark!
    Wow how did u manage affair, full time mom and also working at google (that too without ur husband noticing it ). I guess there is a lot of disconnect between 2 of you that even now he doesn’t know about it. I am sorry to say but personally I see that you would go back and cheat of him again, I guess be honest and tell it husband about the affair and have a open talk of what you need and why you did it. I still can’t get around the fact that no one noticed it
    Mar 97
    • Google vOw81
      OP
      Seriously? Tell him? That's just a terrible idea that does nothing but hurt him and make our daily lives miserable. BTW I managed it without him noticing because I only saw him on business trips.
      Mar 9
    • Tesla VXvWsd
      Might as well just divorce now if you don’t plan on telling him.

      No transparency = no meaningful relationship.
      Mar 9
    • Uber / Eng#muga
      You already hurt your husband by choosing to have an affair
      Mar 9
    • Salesforce babyShark!
      Being honest in relationships if that’s a bad idea, I doubt that you will understand how relationships work and what they mean. I guess all the talk of being for your child and stuff is temporary very soon you will again be selfish and start having a affair. If you don’t admit the problem and try to solve it, you are just wasting everyone’s time. In relationships you solve the problem my involving others but I guess u already feel ur man is not man enough to be involved in any discussion making. I can tell u you will CHEAT again soon .
      Mar 9
    • Google hlp2
      I don't know what OP should do, except maybe draft a pros & cons lists, but she is totally correct in that telling him at this point will only make everything worse.
      Mar 10
    • Tesla VXvWsd
      Are you trying to manipulate control of the situation by withholding the truth? Obviously.

      Will disclosing infidelity make it worse? Initially, of course.

      Is your relationship between you and your husband going to grow and flourish until then? Highly unlikely.

      You may feel like you can compartmentalize this guilt and shame but in time it will permeate almost all facets of your life. You will suffer, and it will negatively affect your husband and child.
      Mar 10
    • Salesforce babyShark!
      If u don’t want to tell the truth to your husband and if in. 2 years he hasn’t caught you, why not keep cheating anyways he won’t know 😊. I would say then don’t tell him and keep CHEATING on him. Happy wife is happy family 😂😉
      Mar 10
  • Flagged by the community.

    • Clover Health / Engdoenfh
      OMG at least reference the correct homonym.
      Mar 9
    • Cisco gmann
      Jerk
      Mar 10
  • Microsoft ccmbrwater
    Whatever you do, don't tell your husband. The true dishonesty has already happened and saying the words is just a cowardly attempt to take it off your conscience. And if he is the p*ssy you said, he won't do the right thing which is walking off. You'll probably work it out the hard way but there is no point. If you trust yourself to be honest, then act it out. Get back to your family and commit.
    Mar 96
    • Google vOw81
      OP
      For sure.
      Mar 9
    • American Express ...🔞....
      💯
      Mar 9
    • Oracle
      bcnkid

      Oracle

      PRE
      Stealth Worker
      BIO
      Control over your own life is an illusion.
      bcnkidmore
      What awful advice. Tell your husband and please accept the full consequences thereafter. He deserves to know the truth.
      Mar 9
    • Intel UGeJ58
      Tell your husband or you live a lie every day for the rest of your life.

      You can still have your daughter even if you tell him
      Mar 9
    • Salesforce tensorchic
      I don't think telling makes sense here. Your ex lover will honor your privacy. Treat the buurden of the secret as your "punishment" and move on from it. Telling him will only cause you to relive the affair. Because he'll want to know everything.
      7d
    • Salesforce tensorchic
      Of course if your husband has an exceptionally high EQ then things might be different. But this is for you to judge.
      7d
  • Rubrik PartyStick
    Sucks to be your husband
    Mar 91
    • Microsoft BarFoo
      Sounds like she did plenty of sucking, too
      Mar 10
  • TribalScale sfUN21
    TC?
    Mar 91
  • Lyft swetool
    Good story
    Mar 90
  • Microsoft IEjP42
    Can’t turn a ho into a housewife.
    Mar 92
    • Lenovo #!
      Postpartum can be dark.
      And, she works at Google... Not a housewife.
      Mar 9
    • Oracle
      bcnkid

      Oracle

      PRE
      Stealth Worker
      BIO
      Control over your own life is an illusion.
      bcnkidmore
      Therefore totally justified in cheating!
      Mar 9
  • Joyent / Mgmt
    A Mouse

    JoyentMgmt

    PRE
    IBM
    A Mousemore
    I read this with some significant discomfort. I remember when my dad and mom sat us kids down, told us how he had "acquired a girlfriend". This didn't end well.

    Ok, seeing the other 140+ comments as of now on this, I am not sure I can add anything of significant insight beyond a few simple things.

    First, had my dad not told me, I would have likely been able to piece it together myself. You should assume your child, and your husband will be able to as well. You should assume that the secret will be unmasked. No matter how smart you think you are, you have slipped up in some way.

    This is not meant to scare you. Simply you should assume that the information has been, or will be, discovered. What you do, and how you handle it is far more important than you think. If you choose to hide it and it gets out, game over. If you control the release, no matter how painful the situation, this sets up a place to work from.

    Second, you refer to your husband in a derogatory manner. He is the safe boring choice. Your ex is the exciting/preferable choice, literally from your own word usage. More in a moment.

    Third, it appears your concern is more about your child than anything else. Really, I am not seeing much discussion from you on what this would do to your husband. You are only worried about the child. This may be in part, because, apart from other obvious signs, you feel resigned to "do the right thing" by the child, and you resent that it is your husband that you need to be with. Hence you are lashing out at him with an insult.

    So there's that.

    Ok, what you should do. The people suggesting seeing a therapist are spot on. The people suggesting you never tell anyone and ghost the ex are way off.

    You need to get the therapy going ASAP. Its urgent.

    Basically, you need to deal with some bad stuff. I would recommend speaking to your primary care physician, as they are also privileged, and can help you with getting a diagnosis of depression.

    Oh, I am not a doctor, and I don't dispense medical advice or diagnoses. Yes, it's obvious to me you are depressed. Takes one to know one, if you understand my meaning. Go to your primary care, again, ASAP, go through the nice little form they give you, and tally up the score. It was an eye opener for me personally, when I found myself unable or unwilling to write down an answer for one of the questions. The meds you get help. Again, experience.

    Next, the kid. Kids are resilient. They bounce back. They will be hurt. They will be more hurt if a lie is perpetuated.

    Finally the husband or the ex. I'm gonna say it, you did screw the pooch here. There are no good outcomes, only varying degrees of bad outcomes. You need to go for that counseling now, and get the diagnosis you need quickly, BEFORE you make decisions about whether or not you will open up to your family.

    I do feel bad for your husband though, as he either knows and loves you too much to let this get in the way, doesn't know and is generally clueless, or has a sense that something is wrong, and may have been looking into it. In none of these cases is hiding this information good for anyone.

    For example, what if the ex can't take "no" for an answer and decides to inject himself into the discussion to "fight" for you. If you think your current state is bad, you can call that a clusterf*** of significant proportions.

    You need to work out that you love yourself. You do appear to want to protect your child. You need to figure out if you actually love your husband. If not, you need to be honest about that. It sounds to me like you love the ex, and like your husband.

    This is why you need to get over to a counselor now, and get the right diagnosis and meds to start down the path of unf***ing this situation.
    Mar 103
    • Tesla VXvWsd
      🙌
      Mar 11
    • Google vOw81
      OP
      Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I'm really sorry that happened to your family. You are right that I've fallen out of love with my husband, and in love with someone else. However, that is a transitory thing. I was once in love with my husband, too. I suspect spouses fall in and out of love several times throughout a marriage. Maintaining faith that it will flourish again is a legitimate reason to stay. I'll think on your advice. Thank you
      Mar 11
    • SAP mjdjj
      A very nuanced and thoughtful, non-judgemental reply. Really, the kind that should be emulated on Blind. Kudos to A Mouse for his/ her sensitive handling of this topic as it deserves.
      Mar 14
  • Navy Federal Credit Union / ITmasti
    you need to talk to a therapist, please don’t look for advice on the internet. get professional help.
    Mar 90
  • Amazon boosting
    Good luck to you. Life is hard.

    Some how I feel if you were a man people on here wouldn't be as hard on you.
    Mar 95
    • Facebook boredcoder
      This.
      Mar 9
    • Salesforce babyShark!
      I bet ur a women, other posts where men posted were not praised for cheating. Don’t bring women factor here
      Mar 9
    • Amazon boosting
      I am a man. Just calling it like I am reading it.
      Mar 9
    • Salesforce babyShark!
      How do u know 😊
      Mar 9
    • Facebook memememe
      “Some how I feel if you were a man people on here wouldn't be as hard on you.” Standard line for any fake feminist. Doesn’t need any context and applicable to all scenarios. Say something meaningful/helpful is you really care.
      Mar 10
  • Facebook HolidayCat
    It sounds like you have no remorse for your affair whatsoever. Please do your husband a favor and leave, or at least tell him so he can make the decision for himself.

    Also, I hope the same thing happens in the future to you with someone you think you love.
    Mar 101
  • Open marriage? Maybe he will like it too.
    Mar 90
  • Flagged by the community.

    • New New •
      Flagged.

      OP asked a genuine question, stop demeaning her.
      Mar 9
    • Aurora bystander!
      Let OP be the judge, princess!

      Else, I be very proud if my grand-ma was a bit salty in her younger days.
      Mar 9
    • Foursquare / EngFlyingRat
      That'd be pretty cool tbh, finally something different from grandma
      Mar 9
  • Puppet p00d4wg75
    Marriage is about commitment. You aren’t always gonna feel like you’re totally in love with your spouse because marriage can be forever and shit happens. Lots of ups and downs. Time will help. Drop the lover and never look back if you want to make your marriage work. And then just be present. If it’s gonna happen again it will.
    Mar 91
    • Google vOw81
      OP
      Thanks for this
      Mar 10
  • Amazon burnt_0ut
    As someone who fell hard for someone and didn’t act on it—it *is* excruciating. The feelings didn’t end until I told my wife. Nothing happened, so it was easier to confess—but the spell had broken. It wasn’t a secret, forbidden feeling. She said it was natural to be attracted to others and told me “there’s nothing to forgive.”

    In your case you did act on it and betrayed your spouse. You need to come clean and tell him that the affair is over and you want to heal your marriage.

    If you feel like you can’t do this, you’re the coward, not your husband—but the path forward requires therapy, ideally for both you and your husband but at least for just you.
    Mar 109
    • Google vOw81
      OP
      To be fair, I never said I'm not a coward. And I never called my husband a coward.
      Mar 10
    • Amazon burnt_0ut
      You called him a p***y, which is a strong term coming from a supposedly loving wife. See page 2 of urban dictionary.
      Mar 10
    • Intel UGeJ58
      ^agreed, you don't think highly of him
      Mar 10
    • Google vOw81
      OP
      Naw, I'm a realist. I think quite highly of him. He is, in fact, better than I deserve. But I used the term p*ssy as short hand. The term is fairly widely understood to cover dudes who take a backseat, so to speak.
      Mar 10
    • Intel UGeJ58
      You mean a person who is willing to make personal sacrifices for your gain and/or happiness?
      Mar 10
    • Amazon burnt_0ut
      OP we have a rule at Amazon: when you’re in a hole, stop digging. You’ve dug yourself in pretty well here. We’ve unmasked you for what you are. Now it’s time to decide what you want to be.
      Mar 10
    • Google vOw81
      OP
      Bro: I did decide. I walked away from a man I love and chose to stay in my marriage and find a way to fall back in love with my husband. Can you read?
      Mar 10
    • Amazon burnt_0ut
      Yes, I saw that. But one thing you should have learned by cheating is that marriage and commitment are a continuous choice. You’ve taken the first step, and now that you decided to stay in your marriage, what’s the plan? How are you going to repair things with your husband?
      Mar 11
    • Intel DonaldDD's
      ^obviously by hiding the truth. A bit too defensive at this stage for confrontation. There isn't enough remorse here to convince me otherwise
      Mar 13
  • Lyft swetool
    Oh my god, this troll post is a weapon of mass distraction
    Mar 92
    • Amazon / EngRnd&Abt
      I hope to god this is a troll post, by some ugly dude who is getting off pretending to be a woman.
      Mar 9
    • Weapon of ass destruction
      Mar 10
  • Microsoft / Eng
    tarasenko

    MicrosoftEng

    BIO
    Intern @ MS
    tarasenkomore
    1) congrats on choosing your marriage and husband and daughter, that was the hard part

    2) don’t tell your husband. What’s done is done and nothing good can come out of it. This isn’t a super hero movie with a happy ending, you need to be a bit wily and cunning. People get away with lies and crimes and that’s what you want to happen here. People also change spontaneous for the better as well. That’s also what we want to happen here too.

    3) burn the bridge with the affair. Block him, delete contact. Change your number, block his number so you don’t get calls or text (block on a cellphone and carrier level if possible) block on Facebook and LinkedIn and all social media’s. Avoid driving near his home or work or meeting places.

    4) fake being a loyal wife until you make it. Eventually you’ll become the loyal wife again. I like the book atomic habits for personal change

    5) rekindle with husband. This I’m not so sure about how to do, you should do research and experiment with many things here.

    6) love isn’t a fleeting feeling but a commitment, a sacrifice, a desire for good for the other, it is a choice between the hard thing and the easy self serving thing. It won’t always be hard but there exist hard moments.

    Good luck, I believe in you and your intentions and second or third or fourth chances :)
    Mar 1011
    • Microsoft / Eng
      tarasenko

      MicrosoftEng

      BIO
      Intern @ MS
      tarasenkomore
      Funny
      Mar 10
    • Aurora bystander!
      @tarasenko - you speak matter-of-factly, .... hmmm.. with details! ... 🤔
      Mar 10
    • Google vOw81
      OP
      Thank you
      Mar 10
    • Tesla VXvWsd
      You were doing good until you got to #2...
      Mar 10
    • Amazon / EngRnd&Abt
      Tarasenko, you're an idiot.
      Mar 10
    • SAP Berni
      Rnd&Abt, no more than you are a saint
      Mar 10
    • Microsoft / Eng
      tarasenko

      MicrosoftEng

      PRE
      Microsoft, Grab
      tarasenkomore
      @bystander! I am a practicing Catholic and I have been through many cycles of temptation, sin, and repentance. I have had similar temptations and proclivities to OP. My advice comes from personal experience, yes.
      Mar 10
    • Microsoft / Eng
      tarasenko

      MicrosoftEng

      PRE
      Microsoft, Grab
      tarasenkomore
      @tesla/amazon Why do you disagree?
      Mar 10
    • Tesla VXvWsd
      Concealing infidelity creates an environment of isolation. Isolation is what allowed OP to make the decisions she did. By remaining in isolation and cutting off the affair, you’re only setting the stage for the next big distraction from the shame and guilt she’s inevitably feeling.
      Mar 10
    • Tesla VXvWsd
      Aside from #2, most of the advice was sound and would typically be given by a practicing therapist.
      Mar 10
  • Nutanix prQU16
    Make sure you end the affair completely and never tell your husband about it. Just forget it happened.
    Mar 90
  • Tachyus HfvB54
    Ditch the p*ssy, go for the man you really love. Life is too short not to be with the people you really want to be with :).
    On the other hand, what the f.. do I know to give advises ;p
    Mar 91
    • Ya, you better shut the f up tbh.
      Mar 10
  • Airbnb nGgM74
    I understand you are going through a lot in life, but are you hot?
    Mar 90
  • Apple hakunanaMa
    You ruined your family, husband and kid. Period. Yes you have a life, you chose him in first place and now sleeping with ex.
    Mar 90
  • Don’t rush to your ex or husband. You need space from everyone to think through what is it you want from your life as far as relationship is concerned. You can call it off with both off them and move on with time. You can start everything fresh in a few years once you are through this dilemma. Rushing a decision never helps specially when we have family dependencies.
    Mar 90
  • Honestly you are a pretty shitty person to have cheated on your unassuming spouse . You should not ruin his life anymore , tell him the truth and divorce as amicably as possible .
    Mar 90
  • New
    EMVH32

    New

    PRE
    Amazon
    EMVH32more
    No - the issue is that when things got tough she reached for some extra dick.

    After her first trip through family court she’ll realize it was some pretty expensive cock. Like, $150,000 per inch expensive.

    Attorneys love people like her.
    Mar 143
    • Google bimbam35
      I wish I could have such a simplistic view on the world. Must be easy.
      Mar 14
    • New
      EMVH32

      New

      PRE
      Amazon
      EMVH32more
      You can if you don’t pull dumb ass stunts like OP.

      Besides I’m a great shit poster.
      Mar 14
    • Google bimbam35
      Obviously
      Mar 14
  • Amazon BlindBoss
    This whole monogamy is a sham and human made bullshit!
    Mar 91
    • Intel UGeJ58
      For selfish people, it's a sham.
      Mar 10
  • This comment was deleted by original commenter.

    • Lyft swetool
      You’re getting angry at a troll, stop and reflect.
      Mar 10
    • Google othdo
      You are right.
      Mar 10
    • Google hTED02
      One day you be In her shoes and understand her plight
      Mar 10
    • Salesforce SSCU75
      Plot twist- OP is othdo's manager
      Mar 10
    • Salesforce SSCU75
      "one day you be in her shoes" ahahaha, what? You think everyone runs around cheating? I pity your SO
      Mar 10
  • Amazon / EngRnd&Abt
    You're f*****. Sorry, but the damage is now irreversible. I just hope you don't have kids -- they don't need to witness your filthy actions on this Earth. Even if they never hear about it explicitly, you will convey it subtly. Learn to not cheat and be more morally grounded as things start to go south or get boring. "Being flawed" is not an excuse to screw up the lives of people around you.

    My statement is not religiously motivated nor am I against women. But what you did is inexcusable. You will pay the price sooner or later unfortunately -- you'll see.
    Mar 95
    • SAP Berni
      Whether she will say the price, only the One above, can say. In a way, she's already paying the price. Have faith, OP.
      Mar 9
    • Amazon / EngRnd&Abt
      The One Above? Is this some fairytale you're speaking of?
      Mar 10
    • SAP Berni
      No more than the definitive wish of a judgement you are passing.
      Mar 10
    • Amazon / EngRnd&Abt
      Such a saint you are. Heaven has a place for you.
      Mar 10
    • SAP Berni
      In your version of the fairytale? Cool!
      Mar 10
  • Oracle / Design:.:.:
    Post-partum is a serious issue and should be treated as such. OP, if you see a comment that looks mean, I’d stop reading it because a lot of people just don’t understand that you experienced a severe and easily overlooked psychological affliction.

    The thing with marriage is...lots of those early sentiments you interpret as being “in love” fade away somewhat. You ultimately chose to stay with him, so you still love him. He’s just not new and fun and representative of free-love and non-responsibility.

    I’d focus more on building the rest of your lives together and realizing the joy you will share with him in that.
    Mar 102
    • Google vOw81
      OP
      Thank you for your real world advice
      Mar 10
    • Oracle / Design:.:.:
      Happy to do so :-) and I strongly advise meeting with a therapist. Going to Blind is a fine first step, but talk to someone qualified soon. You’ll be glad you did.
      Mar 10
  • Intel UGeJ58
    You need to divorce your husband or at least tell him. It's terrible if he never learns about this - every day would be a lie.

    After reading some of your comments, You won't tell him because it's bad for you. It's very selfish even after you've stopped the act. You have no regard for his well being
    Mar 90
  • PayPal dryh36f
    If not troll post, i hope family stays together. But the way you described you dont have any remorse so you are not bothered about family.. feel bad for the kid and husband
    Mar 90
  • Hope it works out well in the end, but somehow I feel you will do it again even if you move back with your husband.

    PS: seriously feel sorry for your husband.
    Mar 90
  • Microsoft Bikram
    Screw the family, go get yours!
    Mar 90
  • Amazon Powerful
    Sorry for delay in response. Blind snowflakes had my account temp blocked from posting for a few weeks. Now that I can post, I just want you to know that I think you are a terrible and selfish person.
    3d1
    • Aurora bystander!
      You came back to a dead post for that 👆🏾?

      Spite is strong in you son.
      3d
  • Oracle / Design:.:.:
    Seriously, if you don’t know anything about postpartum, then please learn a little about it before commenting.

    Here’s a link: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/postpartum-depression/symptoms-causes/syc-20376617

    I can’t diagnose, but I can recognize what might be going on. This happened to a friend of mine and it’s no joke.
    Mar 101
    • SAP Berni
      It happened to a friend of mine too. She said she had severe depression and bursts of uncontrollable crying & and an accompanying mental inability to cope with the gargantuan task of caring for a new-born infant. She didn't have any family to help at that time, and suffered this EVEN WITH a supportive husband. I came to know of this only later, and felt very bad for her. No woman should have to go through this unprepared and/ or alone, along with the ALREADY terrific emotional & physical stress of first birthing, and then caring for a new-born.
      Mar 10
  • This comment was deleted by original commenter.

    • Intel UGeJ58
      Don't downplay the role of mental illness. It causes you to think and behave in completely unexpected ways, sometimes out of alignment with your personality too
      Mar 10
  • Wow that’s some /r/iamatotalpieceofshit material right here.
    Mar 100
  • Google nlxS44
    You should seriously reconsider divorce, but you don’t need to mention specifics. Sounds like you will never have a “traditional” happy home. It will be worse for your child if neither of you are clearly happy in the relationship. Take it from my personal experience and that of my other relatives with parents who *should* have divorced but didn’t. Kids often don’t care as much as you’d think — might depend on how old they are though. I wouldn’t have.

    Also I would question whether you will actually be able to cut it off with this other guy since you’ve gotten away with it for a while, but only you know whether you can do that or not.
    Mar 90
  • Lenovo #!
    Get counseling... Not here...
    Mar 90
  • ViaSat / Designmark1650
    Take a long vacation with your husband to Tahiti or New Zealand.
    Mar 111
    • Will do nothing if underlying problems are not resolved
      Mar 11
  • SAP esvar
    OP, your situation reminded me of 'The Bridges of Madison County' and Tagore's 'Home & the World'.
    5d0
  • Google bimbam35
    Completely understand why you did it and how it happened. The issue is not the cheating it is the falling in love with someone else. I think you're on the right path - ending it no matter how painful, focus on your relationship, and maybe some time in future also see a counsellor or at least openly address that there is something missing for you from the relationship but you still want the relationship dearly. Maybe together the 2 of you can make adjustments. In the end sleeping with someone else once in a while on a business trip is hardly an issue if it hasn't done harm so far, but done you good (mentally). If he is not such a p**3y as you think. he will understand you and might even share similar feelings himself. (I definitely had the same reaction as a father after 2 kids)
    Mar 140
  • Microsoft / Mgmtjustdoit!
    You are lucky. You have a husband and another man who loves you as well. Why not continue the same setup? Everyone happy!
    Mar 100
  • AIG / Design
    manONpoint

    AIGDesign

    PRE
    Amazon
    manONpointmore
    I have one advice for you. Own it and start again. Neither you or your husband deserves all this complications. Keep it simple and move on. It will hurt but your conscience will be clear and you’d still have a shot at life again. Maybe you and your husband try getting back afterwards but right now its time to move on.
    Mar 90
  • Uber badtings
    Plot twist: OP is the husband and is insecure that the story his posted about is his worst fear coming true😹
    Mar 90
  • Navy Federal Credit Union / ITmasti
    just realized what handle is, troll post for sure
    Mar 90
  • Uber badtings
    HardAgainstThotsMovement
    Mar 90
  • Amazon adc963
    Thanks for sharing. Don't tell him, do have a conversation about you feeling in a rut, and possibly see a counselor. Worst possible thing would be to not change anything and then have a relapse
    Mar 90

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