Ever Had Disagreements Where To Live?

Microsoft eAkf71
Sep 17, 2018 36 Comments

I’m having a conflict with my spouse at the moment and curious if anyone else has had a similar issue... Spouse doesn’t work and loves Seattle area. Neither of us have family here. We’re having a kid soon. I work but am a little nervous being only breadwinner plus I struggle a lot with interviews.

After having lived here for a bit, I’m indifferent to Seattle. I’m Canadian and think with the kid on the way, life might be easier and more stable at least for the first few years up north. Wouldn’t have to worry about health insurance. And depending on where we lived we could probably convert USD and buy a house with cash in Canada, so no mortgage either. And we could possibly locate in a smaller town so I would be closer in case of emergency.

I have had some interviews with a promising well-funded startup in Canada. Been hating my current work and this company seems much more aligned to my interests.

Spouse wants me to just stay at Microsoft and remain in Seattle area.

Has anyone here had similar “where to live” disputes and how did you resolve them?

Thanks.

TC: ~$200k with SSA

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 TOP 36 Comments
  • Don't ever let your spouse dictate where you should work. Sounds like Canada is the place for you.
    Sep 17, 2018 3
    • Microsoft eAkf71
      OP
      But uprooting spouse makes spouse miserable...
      Sep 17, 2018
    • This is something you'll need to really talk to her on, and also think about whether this misery will be short term or long term. I'm not saying just ignore her and go to Canada, I'm just saying if you want to work somewhere else because you're not happy at Microsoft, your wife should respect that.
      Sep 17, 2018
    • Intel Magnetic
      +1
      Sep 17, 2018
  • Google 72936gj2
    My spouse is Dutch and I am from India. We have similar issues. She wants to go back to Europe to give our kids better life security. She is a little paranoid about all the gun shootouts at schools etc (which I totally understand). Also according to her the work life balance and overall happiness is much better in her country. I don’t want to take the huge salary cut for it.
    Sep 17, 2018 2
    • Microsoft eAkf71
      OP
      How are you resolving this?
      Sep 17, 2018
    • Google 72936gj2
      Ignoring it for now. We are not planning kids for next 3 years so not an immediate issue
      Sep 17, 2018
  • Microsoft hokuspokus
    What is it about Seattle that your spouse likes so much?
    These are emotional decisions, not just based on math.
    Try and understand their view and see if you can propose equivalent options in Canada.
    Sep 17, 2018 7
    • Microsoft huiii
      From her side for sure but what about your thoughts? Sounds logical to me or is it what do you feel as being a Canadian and addicted to Canada?
      Sep 17, 2018
    • Microsoft hokuspokus
      Dig deeper. They say you have to ask why 7 times to get to the root cause
      Sep 17, 2018
    • Microsoft eAkf71
      OP
      I’m not addicted to Canada. I just genuinely think it would be a good career move, it’s a good company “fit”, and my logic is we can always apply for US GC later if we want to move back.
      Sep 17, 2018
    • Microsoft hokuspokus
      Given how casually you speak about US GC, you are not Indian :) then why not get US citizenship and then move to Canada so that your spouse feels there is a route to get back.
      Sep 17, 2018
    • Microsoft eAkf71
      OP
      No I am not Indian. I could get US citizenship but by that point our kid will be starting school and it seems more difficult to move then *if* there would be another opportunity that I could find.
      Sep 17, 2018
  • Amazon jgxkhckych
    pregnant means nesting instinct. stay put. give her stability.
    Sep 17, 2018 1
    • Microsoft eAkf71
      OP
      Fair enough.
      Sep 17, 2018
  • Vistaprint / Eng
    Stocky

    Vistaprint Eng

    PRE
    Cimpress
     Stockymore
    If you're indifferent to Seattle and she loves Seattle why wouldn't you try to find a job there that you like? I've got to imagine there are plenty of software jobs around the Seattle area, not just Microsoft.

    Also Seattle is a way bigger job market for Tech in Vancouver is. if security and providing your family is what you're worried about I would think Seattle is a much better location for that.

    I'm also curious what the concerns are with health care? Most people with white collar jobs have no problem getting Healthcare through their employer for their entire family and it's pretty reasonable.
    Sep 17, 2018 5
    • Microsoft eAkf71
      OP
      Hence the I suck at interviews comment in my original post :). I’ve tried!
      Sep 17, 2018
    • Microsoft eAkf71
      OP
      If I were to lose my job, no healthcare. Sure as long as I am at MS, it makes sense.
      Sep 17, 2018
    • Vistaprint / Eng
      Stocky

      Vistaprint Eng

      PRE
      Cimpress
       Stockymore
      Ah, I see. Do you study/practice? I've got turned down from quite a few places after interviewing, even after studying pretty hard. Some of it comes down to luck. There's also the option of transferring within Microsoft. I know from experience that whether you like your job or not has a lot more to do with your team and project than it does the overall company.

      That being said if you got laid off in Canada you could always move back to Seattle. Doesn't Microsoft ever pretty liberal parental leave policy after having a kid? Maybe you and your wife can use that time to test drive a new city and see if you like it.
      Sep 17, 2018
    • Vistaprint / Eng
      Stocky

      Vistaprint Eng

      PRE
      Cimpress
       Stockymore
      For healthcare can't you go on COBRA for like 18 months?
      Sep 17, 2018
    • Microsoft eAkf71
      OP
      I study a bit but not super aggressively. I have explored opportunities within Microsoft but the teams have either passed me up or had hiring freezes.
      Sep 17, 2018
  • Microsoft richardhea
    Stability of MSFT located in an area with a lot of other comparable jobs sounds better than a risky startup in a small town in Canada. You have a reasonable health insurance now, not free, but not outrageous either. And if things go really sour, you can go back to Canada anytime you want? The only argument for moving I can see is being near family willing to help with the baby.
    🍆
    Sep 17, 2018 3
    • Microsoft eAkf71
      OP
      It’s a startup in a suburb of Vancouver with offices in Calgary. My post was referring to being in a Vancouver suburb or Alberta.
      Sep 17, 2018
    • Microsoft eAkf71
      OP
      And it is profitable and pre-IPO.
      Sep 17, 2018
    • Microsoft richardhea
      That does not change my answer at all. A pre-ipo startup can be gone a lot faster than you can imagine. I did observe the dot com bust and the 2008 mess from inside MSFT. It sucks in a lot of ways but it is safe. Something to think about, if you are having a kid.
      🍆
      Sep 17, 2018
  • Amazon / Eng heere
    I did. Now I'm divorced.
    Sep 17, 2018 2
    • Microsoft eAkf71
      OP
      Sorry to hear that. That’s not the outcome I want...
      Sep 17, 2018
    • Amazon / Eng useername
      Lol. I'm way more happier now.
      Sep 18, 2018
  • JCPenney Aerios
    You and your spouse should be looking for each other's happiness and long term stability. Her concessions and willingness to let you go elsewhere should be tempered along your genuine degree of unhappiness at MS versus nearby opportunities. At the same time you should be willing to suck it up at work for stability up to a point.

    How unhappy are you? If you can stay who you are and be ok, then suck it up. If it's making you less of a person or long term bitter, you need to tell her. Or are you just antsy about a huge life change and trying to optimize and peruse hypothetically greener grass?

    I don't see mention of her family, friends, or other circumstances to want to stay in Seattle, nor is Seattle some oasis for great child rearing. Her impulse to stay might just be nesting and familiarity. That's a weak argument for long time scales. So there needs to be more than temporary comfort.

    Your TC bracket, you can get a relo package or just pay movers out of pocket. The family needs to be happy, not just instantaneous fractional ease.
    Sep 17, 2018 1
    • Microsoft eAkf71
      OP
      Thanks for the response. I’ve tried to get more details on why she likes it here. If this particular position were in Seattle I would take it. Moving to Canada is IMHO a bonus (some would debate that of course) but even if the job were here in the US I would be pursuing it as well. It is a good fit. So yes I guess I am trying to find greener grass.

      Sure I can suck it up. Usually I do. I’m passive by nature. But when it comes to opportunities I feel are good for us, I get stubborn :).
      Sep 17, 2018
  • POWER Engineers / Other
    NtTy44

    POWER Engineers Other

    BIO
    Ruler of my universe.
     NtTy44more
    Assuming your spouse is American. Going to another country creates a great deal of anxiety and insecurity. In addition you have a good job at a stable international company. Your wife probably sees any change in the routine as very stressful. Plus she is pregnant which doesn’t help. I think taking a pregnant wife home to Canada is pretty selfish. Was moving there the plan or discussed? If not, you are in the wrong on this one. She probably assumed you would stay put in the USA.
    Sep 17, 2018 1
    • Microsoft eAkf71
      OP
      We were originally going to move to BC then I got a job at Microsoft.
      Sep 17, 2018
  • Amazon xkcd
    Does staying here grant your kid with dual citizenship? I'm guessing it would which could be quite convenient depending on spouse's nationality. If she is American then that really doesn't change even if you head north.
    Sep 17, 2018 1
    • Microsoft eAkf71
      OP
      Wife is American so either way our child will have dual citizenship. She would just get Canadian PR instead of me having GC.
      Sep 17, 2018

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