Ten years ago he was my knight in shining armor, my rock in a storm. But today I’m hopping countries and jobs every other year. I might want kids; he doesn’t. I’m on track financially; he isn’t. I love change; he resents it. He’s much older than I am as well, and I can really feel him slowing down with age. It’s not a bad thing by any means, but I’m at a place where I’m shouting “faster, faster!” No one knows me better than he does. And he’s been there for everything I’ve been through. Still is my rock when I work myself into a froth with anxiety. But a recent death in the family has made me take stock. And I wonder: is this relationship offering me anything I need? Or am I just clinging to it like a comforting blanket, dragging this poor man along behind me as I plow through life? (And is our relationship interfering with his own happiness?—tho he swears it isn’t.) Ladies, ever have these worries? Ever been in this situation?
I’m 45. I have several female friends who have been in situations like this. Most got divorced. Those that didn’t are mostly annoyed and frustrated and feeing like they missed out. There are a few for whom the guy is a house husband taking care of the kids who is super supportive and everyone is happy with the situation (one high flyer, one supportive), but that doesn’t sound like you. Seems like there may be better matches for your energy.
I know a bunch that got divorced around then too. The men usually remarry someone 15 years younger. The women are still alone at 50 and lost their sense of belonging and stability.
The ones I know who got divorced in their 20’s and early 30’s generally found new partners. For the ones in their 40’s it’s too new for most - maybe 4 haven’t gotten remarried, one has a new partner
TC?
I outgrew my partner. 10 years ago i was 120lbs. I am 240. She’s still 110. You didn’t outgrow your partner
From 120 to 240?! She can’t be thrilled about that, take better care of yourself.
Why are you entitled to get something out of a relationship?
You choose you relationship with goals. It’s a joint choice. If it isn’t what you want, you aren’t obligated to stay.
Yes but you aren't entitled to anything. What happens to the next relationship with the same problem? Find a third new one?
Time to marry up again.
The hypergamy is strong with this one
This post just exeplifies everything that’s wrong with “relationships” these days. There’s no such thing as “outgrowing” someone in a relationship. He/She is part of your fucking growth and vice versa in ways you’d never imagine. There’s a fucking higher purpose in a relationship that was lost over time. Now everyone needs to “get something from” instead of “put something in”. Selfish bitch!There’s always a way to compromise and adjust to a new phase of your partner’s life. Me: Married, been through highs and lows. If you come to judge me, I also “outgrew” my partner the same way you did. Believe me, the real “highs” are still to come.
The real MVP.
I was with you until you called her a bitch. Everyone is motivated by selfish desires. It's how humans work. Don't pretend to be able to transcend this while being able to post what you posted.
if (relationship == consumption) { break; }
Similar situ here, but opposite? In the past two years, trying to figure out a way not to be tired while giving 110% to everything, I basically wrecked everything. And now I'm burnt out. I have no motivation. Except maybe to get hit by a car..... That's the person my partner lives with. An old, ptsd narcoleptic losing their job because boss insist qa can't be done remotely, and having peaked years ago. But the spouse is in a career Renaissance almost. Working the dream job and going up. (if the dream job paid more that'd be great 🤣) So I ask, frequently, why they stick around. Because "I love you" sometimes doesn't make sense to me. And I make it known that there is freedom to leave the marriage to ensure they do well, and the kids. So I don't drag them down. But I wake up every morning and see them sleeping next to me. And I ask why, and its the same answer, "I love you."
Anyway, hope that helps you more than it helped me. Your husband may very well be happy to be tied to the rear bumper of the car that is your life. Maybe he can be convinced to have kids (based on what you wrote here). Maybe he just loves you. And like me, you don't really understand why... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
lucky bastard! :) Keep trying your best. that’s all everyone in your house need. Been there, done that. Congrats! “love” (just like “gratitude”) shines bright in these situations.
I sense that there is more going on underneath the surface, and I don't think it's a matter of "outgrowing". It sounds like you have acknowledged that certain needs you have are not met; this may have been in making for quite sometime without an opportunity to articulate. It is perfectly understandable for having doubts about our life decisions/reflecting upon where we are in life during a grieving time. I think it may be beneficial for you to give yourself additional time to be introspective and identify your values, needs, and life goals. Then you can have a candid conversation with your partner. Don't make it as a relationship problem yet; based on your account, you have a trusted partner and 10 years of loyalty is something one should not overlook. Best of luck!
This. Thank you sir/madam for a sensible comment...unlike most others on this thread. We live in a world where if something is broken, we throw it away and get a new one. People have forgotten to be patient and mend things...or atleast try. I am appalled by the number of people thoughtlessly suggesting OP to just break away...there are so many things one needs to consider before deciding on something as drastic. 10 years of togetherness holds some meaning. I understand that OP is in a sticky situation where she doesn’t want to hurt her partner but at the same time not be bogged down due to a change of aspirations over the years. But I feel if her partner says he’s okay...then OP should trust him and give him a chance to figure out for himself if he can keep up with her aspiations...at the end of the day, we are all adults and every person is responsible for protecting themselves. And ofcourse, an honest, direct conversation goes a long way in un-complicating things.
Thank you. You understand. I really appreciate your response. I have been investing in journaling and speaking to a counselor while I’m on my own. Doing some deep thinking.
That's not "outgrowing" your partner. It's overlooked incompatibility.
Why the fuck are people liking this comment?! How easy it is to say something not-so-thoughtful like this!
People like it because it's exactly correct. Things like whether to have children, whether to spend large chunks of your life traveling, how to handle finances, are important, fundamental compatibility issues that ideally should be addressed before marriage. Many people don't do that though and are then blindsided by the fact that the partner they've by now grown so attached to, and who is likewise attached to them, doesn't share the same outlook on these things. Hence the "overlooked incompatibility".