Family life deteriorating
I work 12 hours a day (including commute) and my wife takes care of my toddler, sending him to daycare a couple of hours a day. We are earning well enough to sustain our life. Lately I've been feeling that she does not understand the amount of work pressure I have I have or how burned out I am. She expects me to lend her a hand in the house when I come back from work. I do my part, like diapering the baby, cooking alternate days and doing the laundry but at the end of the day it's the same routine again and again. I feel like I'm just existing and not living. Everywhere we try to go ok out our kid makes a big fuss and we regret trying to go out at all. My wife does not like the idea of leaving him with a sitter (but I don't have a clue what's there to do even if we do). She is feeling burned out as a mom and I'm extremely tired after 5 days of work with 5 hrs sleep per day. We have given up trying to be intimate. We just watch our phones at night and go to sleep hoping to wake up into a better day but tomorrow is the same as today and yesterday. We both are so frustrated with life that we fight for inconsequential things and end up pitching her friends/relatives against mine. My quality of life has gone down the toilet and it shows in my work as well as my home. I don't know how to get out of this. Any advice? TC 200k bay area (for the TC or GTFO friends)
Get help from parents or hire a nanny? YOE?
We hate each other's parents and they are not very warm to their children in law either. Yet they stay with us for 8 months a year combined. This also adds to our frustration.
Built in sitters?! I wished I had that. Make peace with them. Prior kids the MIL is a nuisance for a man, but once kids are there she is a father’s best friend!
Work less or get a job where you work less
Funny coming from Amazon but I work 9.30 to 6 only. My commute is 1 hour each way in traffic.
This seems like a major problem. Can you not work from 7 to 4 or something? Most people with families tend to head out early. That will give you a good amount of time to go back home, rest and spend time with family.
If it's making your life so miserable, quit and take a sabbatical for some time. Then start searching again.
I just started my new job a few months back. But its been this way at my old job as well. I cannot be unemployed due to Visa constraints
Swe? If you are, you can easily make +100k, hire a full time nanny and still have more to spare for other baby expenses and keep wife happy. Probably better wlb too and peace of mind. DM me on guidance on switching. Don't worry.
How’s the WLB at Netflix (in your team)?
Better than what described above
Find a more 9-5 job, maybe move to someplace with a better cost of living. You’re wasting some of the best years of your life (and missing out on raising your son) and no amount of TC will buy that back.
We are rooted here and relocation is hard :( plus we both have lived around the country and finally settled down in bay area cause it checks all our boxes
You guys should really speak to a therapist or counselor. This really isn't the type of place to find solutions to this, even if we mean well.
I understand. I am sure quite a few people are/were in my shoes at some point of their lives. I really value experience and I wanted to hear what people have done in their lives to solve this.
Consult a therapist. Most big companies have EAP (employee assistance program) which offers family counseling and mental health assistance for free for a certain number of sessions per year. Start with that. These counselors have techniques to help us put things in perspective. Normally, that helps. Start exercise for couple days a week. If both of you are spiritually oriented folks, meditate. Also, it would do well to keep in mind that life's struggles are a way for self refinement and for certain realization. Try adopting the perspective that life lived in service of others is a million times better than a life indulged in consumption and materialism. This perspective will ultimately lead to happiness. This is the central teaching of all the major religious traditions. Cut down on social media and reading too much news etc. On the others, if your personalities and expectations of life are incompatible, that is a challenge. You will need help from a family counselor to address this issue. Your work time seems to be ok, but it is the commute that is stealing your time and energy. May God help you both.
You’ve made sacrifices that are turning out to be bigger than anticipated. Long commute from buying a house, in laws living with you, work, stress from newborn etc. I would look at which of these you can change even though it would be disruptive to improve your life 1. Is it worth selling or renting house to get rid of hour commute. Can you WFH or shift hours some days to lessen commute issue 2. Is the parents living with you 8 months non negotiable or can it shrink to be less? 3. Understand wife’s reluctance for babysitter/nanny/parents to watch kids so you guys can do something fun 4. See prioritizing what you need to do to make more money and solve some areas with cash 5. If necessary, Consider moving from Bay Area depending on life priorities
1. Selling a house would mean losing half our life savings and that would make us more frustrated than now. 2. Parents living with us is necessary and even though we both don't like it we do not have much choice here. 3. I do understand. That's why I've started him with daycare even though she does not work. 4. I do make enough money for my lifestyle. What problems do you think can be solved with cash here? 5. Our life, family, friends and community are rooted in the bay area. Wherever we move the problem is within us, as evident by the change in job/house etc
What are your wife’s suggestions for this situation?
Before work or after work, consistently take 1 hour walk with your child, rain or shine...it'll get you away from the house with you parents/in laws for a bit, and the walk is good for you and the child; don't talk or look at the phone while doing this; wife can come, but minimal talking, but enjoy the wind, sun, whatever. Focus on appreciating what you got rather than what time or possessions you don't have
We've talked about this and it does seem like a good idea but when it comes to executing it we somehow find some excuse to start from tomorrow (everytime)
New baby can be tough. There's not much more to say. No one is sleeping, and frankly i agree with her, you are spending too much time on your job, and not enough at home
I think 12 hours a day only starts being worth it past 1M for a few years so you can then only work 4 hours a day. It may also be worth it if you are working for yourself and in a few years you won't have to work so hard. Making some duche rich is NOT what you should be doing.
Unfortunately I don't know a thing about working for myself. I've been an IC all my life. Plus my Visa allows me to only work for others.
Is she not working? Considering looking for a new job with better WLB or finding a way to be closer to home / more WFH?
Tried that. I just started on my new job a few months back. She is not working. She cannot work in her current Visa. That is also a contribution to her frustration. It'll be a year before she can work again.
Not sure if how it is @ eBay but you should connect with your boss on working-from-home 1x or 2x week or coming in late some mornings. If you’re in a apartment look for a new place and remember this is temporary.