Relationships

Feels like our marriage is dead-ish; don’t wanna spend time at home

Palantir pokéball
Mar 2

We’re 26M/F, married for two years, known each other for eight. I’ve been working in tech since graduating, whereas she goes to school part-time (no work auth).

My wife and I have been recently arguing about stupid things. What started this chain of events is that one night I didn’t get home from work until 730pm (I usually get home by 7 and let her know when I leave the office so she can have dinner ready). This time, when I let her know that I was stepping out of the office, apparently she had already finished cooking everything, and when I got home she was absolutely pissed that the dishes she spent two hours prepping for and cooking were now cold. I had a tough day at work as well and broke down in tears for the first time in years, and we didn’t say anything to each other for the rest of the night.

For the next few days, she complained that she had trouble sleeping and that she was getting depressed and received no love from me. Overall, our time together at home became awkward, and that somehow increased my “resentment” towards the situation or even her, because I’d really appreciate the after-hours to unwind and chill.

As I switched to a new team recently, I have lots of new tech I’d like to get my hands on. Given that we aren’t going well with each other anyways, today I let her know I was going to spend my afternoon at the office, and guess what - she got furious again, complaining that I don’t spend any time with her, and that I don’t care about her at all and simply treats her as a servant/roommate.

Honestly, with her recent negativity, I’d rather work 80 hour weeks than staying at home and dealing with this. She’s now out “walking around” after doing the same complaints to me with our apartment door open, while I’m fixed to my chair thinking how the fuck I got outta this situation or whether we’re actually over. I’m starting to regret our marriage...

comments

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  • MathWorks cJ8oNw
    You think the marriage is dead because of a few arguments in the past week? Did you never argue while dating or earlier in the marriage?
    Mar 29
    • Palantir pokéball
      OP
      Call me spoiled, but we hadn’t argued much while dating or earlier in the marriage - we were both very amicable actually.

      In the earlier days, nothing had lasted more than a few hours, and recently it’s evolved into days or even weeks of contained resentment(?)/complaints from her end that burst out here and there.
      Mar 2
    • MathWorks cJ8oNw
      Have you actually talked to her about the root cause of her resentment? Have you done anything about it? Has she?

      I think it's very dangerous that you are jumping straight to doubting your marriage after the first lengthy argument.
      Mar 2
    • Microsoft i heart
      Dude!!! Argument is the symptom not the cause and typically that's just the tip of the iceberg. Have a sincere and open talk with her. An effective talk would be much more difficult then you anticipate. Because you are part of it not out of it. That's why sometimes ppl to a third party aka councilor. But you can try initiating between two of you first. Bed compassionate and truly listen to her. May be she feels alone or insecure (no career etc)
      Mar 2
    • Palantir pokéball
      OP
      I did talk to her about the root cause, and sounds like she thinks she's no longer receiving enough attention from me, and that I've put my careers ahead of her. However, I don't fully buy that since my WLB nowadays are much more manageable than before, and this didn't happen then... (perhaps because I took her along with me in my business trips every month back then?)

      At the same time, I'm unashamedly dedicated to my career and passionate about the work I'm doing, and I also feel that I'm also helping the marriage since I'm the only breadwinner in the relationship (probably so in the next few years as well).
      Mar 2
    • Palantir pokéball
      OP
      And yeah, I think I'll need to dig out the root cause of the recent arguments. Thank you for the comments!
      Mar 2
    • Indeed / OtherCDwY37
      You are not listening to her. She needs more attention from you and you are saying you don’t need to change. No wonder she thought you put career above her. Because that’s exactly what your action shows.
      Mar 2
    • Amazon / Eng
      jinkching

      AmazonEng

      PRE
      Amazon
      jinkchingmore
      At the end of the day, what comes along is your family and friends, not work or colleagues. I understand that learning new technologies and innovation keeps you interested, but at the same time family is equally important and once you have a kid, priorities in life is going to take a U turn. I've been there I've done that (postponed my parental leave to deliver a critical project and did not spend much time with my new born), but later I realized, company really doesn't care about your passion or the extra hours you put in. Listen to her, lock yourself down for an hour and put yourself in her shoes and ask yourself if what your doing is right and even worth it.
      Mar 2
    • Microsoft i heart
      I don't know you guys. But just by listening to you speak I have a hypothesis. I don't know the exact right the word for it. But it is something in the line of insecurity, self worth etc. You are absolutely not wrong to be focused on your career. And you are the only earner in the home. These are facts and you see them as facts. And you expect her see the facts as the way they are. So far nothing wrong. What's missing is understanding her "feelings". Interestingly feelings after not always illogical. It is very possible that she is struggling with her self worth. Lack of attention/not enough time etc are just ways to scream for help. I really went out in a limb here. But if my hypothesis is right - dilution is actually not very hard - as long as you decide to help her. For example, instead of pointing out that you are there bread winner, you focus on convincing her that earning the bread for the family is not the only or even not the most important contribution to a marriage. Find ways that can give her a purpose (not profit, hobby etc.) Sounds very simple, but very powerful.
      Mar 3
    • Amazon KHCr70
      @I heart

      This sounds spot on. My wife had exactly the same reaction. Big inferiority complex, and always complained that I dont care about her and that I'm looking down on her in situations that are completely normal
      Mar 3
  • Microsoft what is up
    Married guy here: You should take a break from work, take her on a long vacation.
    Mar 25
    • Palantir pokéball
      OP
      yeah I love that idea - we hadn’t gone on a long vacation for months. thinking of Hawaii!
      Mar 2
    • Microsoft what is up
      Jobs and opportunities will return. Wife won't.
      Mar 2
    • Capital One / ProductMrProduct
      Another married guy here: what "What us up" is suggesting is the best way to stop the bleeding asap and reset. Trust me. Spend time with your wife. Leave work at work. And when you come back she'll be much happier. Spend the money for a vacation that will make her happy. Take time to show her she's still priority #1. That's all a woman really wants: Affection and Attention. Also, when back at work, plan your week to include 1 fun activity the two of you can do. Try something different each week. Taking the time to plan it and schedule it in advance will give her something to look forward to and show her you're fully invested despite the long work hours on other days of the week. You know what to do. We've given you the advice. Now go be her gladiator.
      Mar 2
    • Palantir pokéball
      OP
      That's really great advice. I was thinking about what had gone wrong recently cuz my WLB was much worse earlier in our marriage, and I think it may have to do with the monthly (or even more often) business trips I used to take her to, and they gave something for her to look forward to in her rather unexciting life... Now that my team no longer involves travel, I'll need to make up for that in other ways.

      Overall I'm a pretty boring person when it comes to weekends, but I'll start planning things out for us consciously.
      Mar 2
    • OP, based on my experience, I think your marriage is dead and vacation will only extend its life for a little. But give it a shot.

      P.S. and don't forget to fuck her a few times a week.
      Mar 5
  • Airbnb fb bro
    None of these arguments are substantive. She’s probably bored at home and needs more to focus her energy on.
    Mar 210
    • Palantir pokéball
      OP
      I agree as well but obviously couldn’t confront her on that, even though I tried getting her to sign up for gyms and fitness classes. Is there something I can do to help her focus her energy constructively? Maybe getting her into new hobbies?
      Mar 2
    • New hS3g1
      nothing helps a relationship more than telling your SO she should go exercise
      Mar 2
    • Palantir pokéball
      OP
      You know what, ^ may just pushed me across the edge to bring her to a gym nearby and sign her up...
      Mar 2
    • New hS3g1
      i was being sarcastic, sorry
      Mar 2
    • Airbnb fb bro
      Go take a vacation to reconnect with her and diffuse this tension, and then really figure it out there. She can do volunteer work, more classes, whatever.
      Mar 2
    • Palantir pokéball
      OP
      hS3g1: How so though? I thought working out can help with stress and depression, no?
      Mar 2
    • New hS3g1
      if you tell her she needs to exercise, she's going to think you think she's fat
      Mar 2
    • Palantir pokéball
      OP
      D'oh 🤦‍♂️
      No wonder when I recommended her to go working out, she started asking, multiple times, whether I no longer found her attractive.......
      Mar 2
    • New hS3g1
      do something more casual but active... like hiking? or take a walk after dinner. just some nice quality time, no distractions (obviously depends on weather where you are)
      Mar 2
    • Palantir pokéball
      OP
      That sounds like a great idea. Thank you!
      Mar 2
  • Microsoft / ProductBlueSmith
    The issue with your marriage is summarized in this post. Lot of "I"s. What about her feelings?
    Mar 21
  • Amazon
    seaurchin

    Amazon

    PRE
    500 Startups
    seaurchinmore
    Married guy here. Marriage never gets "more fun." Both parties should understand that and find joy or meaning in their life elsewhere.
    Mar 23
    • Palantir pokéball
      OP
      It's a bit trickier for her since we don't know many people at our new city, and she doesn't really have a hobby or anything... Is there something I can do to help her find her "joy and meanings"?
      Mar 2
    • Uber tkNoodle
      married guy here and I disagree. marriage has only gotten better and we've been married 20+ years. the companionship is better, sex is better, feelings are stronger. people have said it already, but be intentional about spending time with her. not in front of a screen, but talking. take walks in the evenings, day trips on the weekend. be present when you're with her and try hard to understand her perspective. there's a book about 'love languages'. pick it up and read. the great thing about all of this is that it seems OP is making a genuine effort to work on the marriage which is awesome
      Mar 2
    • Palantir pokéball
      OP
      Man, we haven’t really “talked” talked or taken a walk together for months... I’ll definitely spend more time with her and read that book as well - another comment also recommended the same book. Thank you!
      Mar 2
  • I would:

    1. Decide for the next 12 months to try to make it work. She wants more time together? Fine! Maybe get a less stressful job. Change your priorities. Lean in and commit 100%. Make sacrifices and be selfless.

    2. After 12 months, evaluate if things are better and if you are happier. If not, get a divorce. You’ll be reentering the dating pool in your late 20s, right before your peak market value. Life will go on. Except, you’ll probably be paying alimony / child support and that’s gonna suck.
    Mar 211
    • Amazon Cynimist
      "Sexual value"? Ok. I lived in New York for over a decade, bro. The guys rolling around with hot young models are not generally 30 year olds. Just sayin. Also, I found that as a 38 year old divorced guy with a great career in SV I had it waaay easier than when I was in my late 20s and single in NYC. My gf now is a frigging nymphomanical 40-something well-to-do divorcee who is smokin hot and desperate to please me, and I am a pudgy almost-40 year old, slightly balding but not awful looking dude.
      Mar 2
    • Okay, bro. Let’s commit to disagree.
      Mar 2
    • Amazon Cynimist
      And I will keep on banging.
      Mar 2
    • Google aiqqu
      Think 🍌 is talking about if you want to be banging prime early 20s
      Mar 2
    • ^ he gets it.
      Mar 2
    • Cynimist just curious... why did you hijack OPs thread to talk about your own sex life?
      Mar 2
    • Amazon Cynimist
      Not on OPs thread, on your thread. I disagreed with your comment strongly and sought to bring some supporting evidence to the table.
      Mar 2
    • Palantir pokéball
      OP
      Haha I’m totally fine with the discussions here - only slightly concerned that it has female SMV spiking above zero as early as 14...
      Mar 2
    • Adobe xAMADEUSx
      Terrible advice! Working on a marriage isn’t like evaluating options in a shitty job. If things are better in a year, try harder, do more, see a counselor. “Moving on” to the next gig isn’t the mindset for a marriage. DO WORK SON!
      Mar 13
  • Lockheed Martin / Other
    Schz3

    Lockheed MartinOther

    PRE
    industrialoptic
    Schz3more
    There was a reason the two of you got married . You two can work to remember what that was or watch the marriage end. I have some thoughts on that but please answer my questions at the end.

    Keep in mind she probably gets a HUGE fraction if not nearly all of her social interactions with you. There is nothing you can do about that but it puts a lot of pressure on your relationship.

    How long did you date before you were married? How long did you cohabitate? Was it ever an LDR for significant period?
    Mar 23
    • Palantir pokéball
      OP
      We initially dated for one year and then took some time off due to distance, and got together again, dated and living together for 9 months, then got married two years ago.
      Mar 2
    • Lockheed Martin / Other
      Schz3

      Lockheed MartinOther

      PRE
      industrialoptic
      Schz3more
      OK. Well the first initial glow/excitement/infatuation was probably mostly faded by the time you married and you did give it a try at living together before jumping in. Those were what I wanted to know.

      This has been touched on but not spelled out: how much other does she have in her life? Hobbies, friendships and school outside of the marriage? Even if the intention is for her to be a homemaker expecting to get nearly all her social support from one relationship is unrealistic in most cases. If you are her *everything* instead of her *biggest thing* then the only thing she is living for is your approval and you coming home, etc. When her anticipations change it is hard for her, *especially* if she is deriving her identity from external things (all you and her relationship with you) instead from within and her own life over all.
      Mar 3
    • Lockheed Martin / Other
      Schz3

      Lockheed MartinOther

      PRE
      industrialoptic
      Schz3more
      Couples counseling is a thing, to talk about but there is some self work perhaps for her to do. What does she do and love to do outside her interactions with you?
      Mar 3
  • Google / Engyogi bear
    that is the problem of having a wife not working. she is trapped home and disconnected from outside, if you guys don't have kid it could also be boring as fuck for her
    Mar 20
  • LinkedIn ynCh06
    That's women sir. We all face it. We both work but she still gets angry when I return past 6 because she returns aroud 4 and want me to be home early as well.
    Mar 21
    • Palantir pokéball
      OP
      That kinda sucks... how do you usually deal with the situation? Work shorter hours, or becoming a morning person?
      Mar 2
  • Bloomberg EVALSlayer
    - She needs to get a job for your perceptions of time and reality to converge.

    - You need to communicate your feelings and present your vision for how to fix things (be less negative, be more flexible, etc.)

    - Being half an hour late is a joke.

    - Avoiding each other is passive aggressive behavior. You want peace, she wants attention.

    - You only need to be worried if she is not reachable/teachable and/or you cannot see each other’s point.

    - Educate yourselves in emotional intelligence.
    Mar 22
    • Amazon thereyago
      Agreed. She’s probably bored out of her mind.
      Mar 2
    • Palantir pokéball
      OP
      Thank you for the comment. I'll start communicating to her my intention to make things better and read some books on EQ.
      Mar 2
  • Adobe xAMADEUSx
    Wake up and get your priorities and shit straight! You made commitments to one another and now you’re losing your shit because you never learned how to communicate? Be apologetic, choose peace over choosing to be right. Worry about listening over being heard man!I’m sure you’re both great people but it sounds like you’re both being selfish right now. Just wait until the kiddos come. This is tea time compared the atomic bombs kids will throw into your sensitive marriage. Be good to her and remember the way you treated her when you were dating. This frustrates me! Marriage is the hardest “startup” journey in life with the biggest “payouts” I have ever received.
    Mar 41
    • SAP / Biz Dev
      DaedalusSF

      SAPBiz Dev

      BIO
      I climb the stairs every morning. The elevator is for Democrats!
      DaedalusSFmore
      You’re awesome
      Mar 5
  • Facebook / Enggrrrr8
    My wife and I had a similar period like this in our late 20s. Same situation, i was working a lot and she was going to school. Small things like coming home late would trigger massive fights. Saw a counselor a couple times and that really helped.

    Today we're happy, raising a child now, and rarely fight about anything.
    Mar 23
    • Palantir pokéball
      OP
      Wow that's great to hear! What in our opinion did the counseling help the most with the marriage? I was considering that as well but am hesitant because of the stigma surrounding it...
      Mar 2
    • Facebook / Enggrrrr8
      Just helped with talking things out with an objective 3rd person present to call either of us out on our bs, and made sure the conversation was constructive.

      For us there were a lot of things. Some of it came down to my wife feeling inadequate as she was still in school, while myself and all her other friends had already started careers, were having kids, traveling the world, etc. She felt like she was being left behind.

      I paid more attention to her needs. Included her more in work stuff. Encouraged and helped her with school stuff. Once she graduated and got a good job, she was 100x happier.
      Mar 2
    • Palantir pokéball
      OP
      Sounds like my wife is going through something like what you wife experienced back in school - inadequate, feeling left out, etc. I can't wait for my wife to get a good job, but before that I'll just make sure to connect with her more. Thank you!
      Mar 2
  • New ktFx31
    I urge you to get couples counseling as this dynamic can quickly spiral out of control and you’re already overwhelmed with work.
    Mar 22
    • Palantir pokéball
      OP
      It sounds like I have some action items to try out for the moment so I'll leave it on the table for now; if things don't improve in the next several weeks, I'll definitely try out counseling. Thank you!
      Mar 2
    • New ktFx31
      Sure! Couples counseling had saved my relationship a few times. A good counselor can offer an outside perspective when you’re deadlocked.. and give some tools to acknowledge differences. because people are so different in their perception it’s actually a big accomplishment to even live together
      Mar 2
  • eBay abababbb
    I mean she’s right..who wants to have a workaholic partner that spends saturdays in the office? But maybe you don’t like her anymore fine but don’t expect most of the girls to be excited when u decide to spend weekends in the office
    Mar 21
    • Palantir pokéball
      OP
      Yeah that's totally fair... but then I think it's like a downward spiral, where a small friction between us made me want to avoid her, and that made me doing more work, worsening the situation even further.

      I'll spend more time with her in the coming weeks and see if things improve. Thanks for the comment!
      Mar 2
  • Amazon thereyago
    Divorce before children are involved. Having gotten divorced before I had children and again after (different spouses), I can attest that it’s a lot easier and with less complication without children which probably goes without saying.
    Mar 21
    • Palantir pokéball
      OP
      Thanks, I'll keep that in mind.
      Mar 2
  • New zrxG18
    1. Don’t label her jalapeño & toxic if both of you were not cope with the situation properly.

    2. Attention+ care+ consideration+ surprise with internationality+ expression+ experience sth together = emotional satisfaction and security
    Mar 30
  • Amazon babymakes5
    It isn’t dead-ish at all. You need to remind each other that you love one another and have been doing dumb things that get each other annoyed, which spirals into larger arguments.

    I recommend 3 things:
    1. Be more forgiving of one another.
    2. Don’t sweat the small stuff. If you duck up, apologize and really try not to repeat it.
    3. Figure out each other’s love language and work hard to satisfy those needs. Communicate with each other and work towards a solution.

    Finally, grow up. Living with someone, even someone you adore, is difficult. Treat it like a high severity engineering problem: come up with a root cause and address it.

    If you treat your coworkers with as little charity as you do your wife then you may have problems at work as well.

    PM me if you need to talk.
    Mar 23
    • Palantir pokéball
      OP
      Thank you for the comment! I'll apologize to her tonight and talk through the problem. I'm usually a very sympathetic person at work and at home, but my one weakness is that I hate apologizing, and this time it definitely made things much worse...

      As I mentioned elsewhere, I'll consciously plan out weekends and weeknights for us to connect and be more forgiving. Really appreciate the suggestions!
      Mar 2
    • Amazon babymakes5
      You’re welcome.

      My wife hated that too when we got married. She hated being wrong and admitting it even more. Then she screwed up royally, and I reacted very compassionately; I told her that it was ok to admit it because it could be forgiven. Now the phrase she used then is an inside when one of us messes up royally. It naturally defuses the situation.

      For the first 3-5 years we were married we averaged a fight every 3-6 months. Now it’s every 9-18, and it’s not because we are accepting a bad outcome but we are better at voicing our issues before they become big problems. And when we do fight, we fight in private and fight fair.
      Mar 2
    • Palantir pokéball
      OP
      That’s great to hear! Hope we can reach the “every 9-18 mo.” stage some day :)
      Mar 2
  • Bloomberg EVALSlayer
    Also, give this a try: Timothy Keller: "The Meaning of Marriage" | Talks at Google https://youtu.be/C9THu0PZwwk via @YouTube
    The speaker is Christian but IMO does a good job suppressing his Christian instincts and sharing a vision that is independent of religion.
    Mar 22
    • Palantir pokéball
      OP
      Thanks, I’ll give it a listen!
      Mar 2
    • Lockheed Martin / Other
      Schz3

      Lockheed MartinOther

      PRE
      industrialoptic
      Schz3more
      Yeah, Tim Keller is good
      Mar 3
  • Microsoft
    fresh68

    Microsoft

    PRE
    Taco Bell, Campbell Soup, Jack in the Box
    fresh68more
    Need mo bananas 🍌
    Mar 21
    • Sadly, didn’t work for Jeff’s marriage.
      Mar 5
  • Cisco / EngGladiator
    One thing I can tell you that your wife still cares and loves you. Women will stop arguing or fighting if she totally gives up on you.
    You have to constantly keep dating your partner, keep the flame going and growing. Buy her flowers occasionally, go to movies , dates or anything she enjoys at least once a week. Compliment her when she cooks for you or dresses up to look good for you. Some of these small gestures will cost you nothing and you will see the change soon. She will love you and appreciate you even more and you will see rewards for your efforts.
    Happy to talk more, DM me if you want to talk. Give your wife and life a chance, work is important but great partner, friends and health is more important. You will not enjoy your success if you have no one to share it with and if you are not healthy to enjoy your success.
    Wish you the best !!
    Surprise your wife with flowers and a card or hand written note today or tomorrow. If you see the magic work, thank me later🙂
    Mar 21
    • Axtria DesiLaunda
      This. Arguing is a thing when a woman has expectations from you which are not being fulfilled. Silent treatment is a real thing when a women is giving up on you.
      Mar 2
  • Axtria DesiLaunda
    It's a circle. You spend less time with her, she gets upset (because she wants your time/love), which makes you want to spend even less time with her.

    Spend time with her, make her feel loved, let her not get the feeling she is a servant/roommate, discuss the little things and find a solution (how you sometimes have to stay late at work which means that she should have food on time and just keep yours in the refrigerator), take her out on a vacation, get her flowers, help her find a new social circle, help her engage in some hobby/fitness classes/job. See her transform.

    Men and women tend to have different definitions of love, I learnt that from my failed relationships.
    Mar 21
    • Palantir pokéball
      OP
      Thanks for the comment! As I mentioned elsewhere, I'll need to start consciously think about spending quality time with her and getting her life on track as well.
      Mar 2
  • New jlijlfd
    Take a week of vacation and travel somewhere exciting. Spend sometime in nice, warm an sunny place at the beach. Tell her you care about her more than your job.

    All she needs is a constant assurance that you still love her.
    Mar 21
    • Palantir pokéball
      OP
      Sounds good - mentioned elsewhere in the comments that I've been thinking about Hawaii for a while.
      Mar 2
  • Microsoft / Englaabdjej
    She should find a job, or join school full time.
    Mar 30
  • Apple / Engifwe
    You’ve got a ton of comments here to digest. I’ve been there. Two books I can highly recommend (as well as marriage counselors I’ve seen):

    The Five Love Languages (Chapman)
    Way of the Superior Man (Deida)

    If you truly want to “save” your marriage, read at least Love Languages and apply what you learn.
    Mar 26
    • Palantir pokéball
      OP
      Thank you for the book list - it’s just what I’m looking for!

      I actually came across the Love Languages book several years ago but didn’t read it cuz, well, things were going pretty well. I’ll go thru them soon and see what I can get out of them :)
      Mar 2
    • Lockheed Martin / Other
      Schz3

      Lockheed MartinOther

      PRE
      industrialoptic
      Schz3more
      Deida was recommended to me too once. I read one of his books. IMO it is full of stereotypes and treats women as objects to be manipulated that respond in particular ways to particular stimuli. I found it dehumanizing. (I am a man, btw.)
      Mar 3
    • Lockheed Martin / Other
      Schz3

      Lockheed MartinOther

      PRE
      industrialoptic
      Schz3more
      (The stereotypes are not traditional ones, but nevertheless are put forward as “women are like this” talking points.)
      Mar 3
    • Apple / Engifwe
      I fully and completely understand what you’re saying. Deida isn’t PC by any means. In my personal experience, his approach/advice was sound — my wife appreciates and responds well to it (and acknowledges so).
      Mar 3
    • Lockheed Martin / Other
      Schz3

      Lockheed MartinOther

      PRE
      industrialoptic
      Schz3more
      I may have read the wrong chapters In the wrong book; when I told the friend who suggested them based on what men she knew had said, she seemed surprised by my critique. I see eliciting and giving clear communication as key, and letting people own their own emotions/not taking responsibility for other people’s feelings . Some of what Deida suggests indirectly does those things.
      Mar 3
    • Apple / Engifwe
      Clear communication is definitely key, as is understanding and having empathy for your partner (see Love Languages).

      For us, Deida was practically a break through and changed our relationship for the better. My wife almost completely agrees with what he wrote in Way of the Superior Man. Her initial reaction to him was negative, until she took time and analyzed it deeper, including her own introspection. YMMV.
      Mar 3
  • Salesforce Jeremy1
    "I have lots of new tech I'd like to het my hands on" lol. Sorry but this sounded really lame.
    Mar 24
    • Uber slap
      Also the bursting into tears.
      Mar 2
    • Salesforce Jeremy1
      Haha true.
      Mar 2
    • Adobe xbid57
      Nice going. So OP teared up once in his life because of how bad things were, and that's lame and should be treated dismissively, but he should make an effort to understand someone who basically sits on her ass and complains and tears up constantly for no good reason. Nice equality we have going on there.
      Mar 3
    • Salesforce Jeremy1
      Sorry yea. That's not lame. I cry over relationships all the time.
      Mar 3
  • PayPal longlines
    Lol at all the millennial snowflake comments. We are so doomed as a society with all the people that can’t handle first world problems. No wonder Sanders and AOC are so popular.
    Mar 23
    • New hS3g1
      yeah unlike the conservative powderpuffs
      Mar 2
    • Palantir pokéball
      OP
      How are the comments here related to politics all? I think it’s probably a common problem across time as well as the political spectrum...
      Mar 2
    • Lockheed Martin / Other
      Schz3

      Lockheed MartinOther

      PRE
      industrialoptic
      Schz3more
      Longlines is grumpy about something and had a desire to beat a particular drum here
      Mar 3
  • LinkedIn bimbambam
    That’s common with women. The problem here seems to be that you have a tendency for conflict avoidance, rather than resolving conflict. If you are late to dinner, call her in advance, and is she is still pissed, then she has nothing in life right now other than making you happy with the food she cooked, so you should let her know that she should find friends to hang out with, rather than effing your brain with this h**rses**t. Dominate the convo and resolve, ask her to get a life and find other ways of self fulfillment, because you are busy breadwinning, at least at this of your lifetime as a couple, which she will only understand if and when she starts working. Resolve the conflict, never go to bed without resolving the conflict of that day with her. Also, your company must have EAP, use it for couple counseling. “Conflict avoidance” is your keyword here. Also, read the book “No More Mr. Nice Guy”.
    Mar 22
    • Palantir pokéball
      OP
      I actually went thru most of NMMNG book a year ago and remember the section on “avoiding conflict,” but I probably forgot lots of it lol - I’ll put it back on my list and read it again. Thanks for the other suggestions as well!
      Mar 2
    • Lockheed Martin / Other
      Schz3

      Lockheed MartinOther

      PRE
      industrialoptic
      Schz3more
      It is a good book and worth rereading AND doing the exercises. The book will teach you in part how to communicate more clearly. She likely needs to read No More Mister Nice Woman, if such book existed . It sounds as if she is not communicating and perhaps does not know what is really eating at her.
      Mar 3
  • Amazon makunahata
    At the same place after 13 yrs and two kids. Constant arguments followed by days of radio silence and zero communication is a norm now. We have a roster for everything and it feels like living with a roommate more than a spouse.
    Mar 22
    • Axtria DesiLaunda
      Perfect marriage
      Mar 2
    • Palantir pokéball
      OP
      That sucks... I hope you can get out of the situation as well!
      Mar 2
  • Anthem CC’
    I feel bad. I’m somewhat in the same situation. Just that I’m a little older in my late 20s and her being in early 20s. I’m just giving her time to realise the real world. I would say hang on, this too shall pass.
    Mar 21
  • Facebook nosoupforu
    Follow what others said if you want to make the marriage work and suffer for the rest of your life. If you want to be trust happy, get out and don’t get married ever again.
    Mar 21
    • Palantir pokéball
      OP
      Deep down I actually agree with what you’ve said - whenever my friends me about getting married, I always tell them to be careful and conservative with it. In an ideal world, yeah I’d probably just stay single if I knew what I know now, but seeing that it’s another person’s life I’d be impacting, divorcing is not close to an option at least at this point...
      Mar 2
  • WeWork / Engboiiiiii
    I’m going through the same. 😅 you would think dating another software engineer would make each other more understanding of each other. Wrong. We argue even more. Especially if it’s about tech. We end up pouring relationship feelings into the argument. LOL like wtf haha
    Mar 21
    • Palantir pokéball
      OP
      As the other comments in the post say, it seems like the profession of the partner doesn’t really matter as much as whether they feel appreciated and loved all the time. Good luck!
      Mar 2
  • Oracle LAoh31
    İ recommend reading "light her fire" and "light his fire". (https://www.amazon.com/Light-Her-Fire-Passion-Excitement/dp/0440212499) The set comes with a workbook for each side as well as a pack of CD's. İts not a new publication, but then again, marriage isnt a new concept either. Read both books together, and discuss as things come up and you want to comment. Thrn go through the workbooks. İf that doesnt save your marriage, then nothing will. Dont be cheap, buy the whole set. Best of luck.
    Mar 21
    • Palantir pokéball
      OP
      Sounds good, I’ll give it a read!
      Mar 2
  • Gilead Sciences sidavis
    Be matured! Think about the other person, she is home all the time and it's common they get pissed off or get bored on routine things. Instead of making her wait with dishes, take her for dinner once in a while. Go out, plan a trip/vacation. Take a day off and have some family time.. you both are just 26 and married for 2yrs and u already think u lost interest in it? Think again, it works!!
    Mar 120
  • SAP / Biz Dev
    DaedalusSF

    SAPBiz Dev

    BIO
    I climb the stairs every morning. The elevator is for Democrats!
    DaedalusSFmore
    You’re not dealing with it even now. Stop running away, remove your ego and needs for a bit and care about the other person. It’s not easy, good luck
    Mar 30
  • Broadcom Ltd. minarva
    Take it easy n enjoy life with family. Think you’re going to school doing cooking dishes n home work with quietness n dullness of home alone

    Spend a week off in that mode you will get the answers

    Take a break go on vacation start again
    Fight then take a break start again

    This is circle of life
    Mar 20
  • Microsoft zNKG56
    Dont get your work and work tensions to home. You can quit your job and find another one easily buy you cannot with your wife. Give importance and priority to home than work everything will fall in place.
    Mar 20

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