Girlfriend Starting to Feel Like Dead Weight

Marqeta / Eng ' '
Jun 22 90 Comments

So we've been dating for over three years and have had our ups and downs but recently I've started feeling like the juice just isn't worth the squeeze.

I've started focusing more on my future and career while she's just kinda stagnated.

Because I'm busting my ass pulling long hours in and out of work and not instantly answering her texts or talking to her during the day she suspects me of cheating even though I've given her concrete proof that it's impossible.

If anything I suspect that might be what she's doing since she has a lot more free time than me.

If my TC wasn't so trash I'd suspect she only stays around because she wants a meal ticket since she's brought up marriage multiple times and seems to be seriously considering it.

We're both in our mid 20s but she still lives with her parents and acts like an overgrown teenager who only cares about getting fucked up and hanging out with her friends who are also going nowhere.

I used to be all for doing that when we first met but have come to realize it's fundamentally incompatible with what I want out of life and has been interesting me less and less as I've gotten older.

In return she says I've become "boring".

I still like her as a person but it's kinda hard to relate to somebody who no longer shares the same goals and priorities.

She's made some progress but I can't help feeling like I could do better or even that I'd be better off just not in a super deep relationship right now.

Should I Leetcode my other options and leave?

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TOP 90 Comments
  • Axtria DesiLaunda
    She shouldn't be dating you
    Jun 22 18
    • Marqeta / Eng ' '
      OP
      Guess F5 is pulling the old "I was just pretending to be r*tarded" card
      Jun 22
    • F5 Networks indian in
      <ignore this>I have blocked google a long time back as he trolled a lot. But he still likes to troll but is on my permanent ignore list.</ignore this>

      My bad - hooli.xyz - I guess, I was the jerk here. Had to logoff to see your posts. As you are on my blocked list (someone can't unblock someone after blocking them) I don't see anything except the post is from a blocked user. I usually end up assuming based on our contact when I had to block you. So my bad.
      Jun 22
    • Oracle not_larry
      Jesus. Get a room F5 and Google.
      Jun 22
    • Axtria DesiLaunda
      1. She is serious regarding this relationship.
      2. Mid 20s is too early to judge if she/her friends are going anywhere.
      3. Every woman demands attention. It's a sign she desires you. If your woman doesn't demand your attention, THAT should be a cause of concern.
      Jun 22
    • Accenture Ylkh72
      Are you his gf Axtria?
      Jun 22
  • Google / Eng hooli.xyz
    “We're both in our mid 20s but she still lives with her parents and acts like an overgrown teenager who only cares about getting fucked up and hanging out with her friends who are also going nowhere.”

    Those are all red flags, especially the drugs or alcohol. Time to cut your losses and move on.
    Jun 22 0
  • IBM / Eng namastayyy
    she sounds like a keeper
    Jun 22 3
  • New / IT pjef76
    What about a fresh start in a new city? New job new girlfriend etc? If I was 25 and in tech I’d be in Austin in a heartbeat. Also if she’s accusing you of cheating she’s absolutely cheating on you. Going out and getting fucked up with her friends on a “girls night out” means she’s absolutely done some shit behind your back.

    Life is too short to be unhappy.
    Jun 22 2
    • Oracle / IT
      l00tb0x

      Oracle IT

      PRE
      Ericsson, National Instruments
      l00tb0xmore
      I totally agree.
      Jun 22
    • Facebook VHwj68
      Just curious why Austin :p?
      Jun 23
  • Intel exit23
    Glad OP has a chance to get out. Some of us are stuck with crap that comes in arrange marriages. Things get worse if you have kids, so start compromising everything just to keep the marriage running and paint all the red flags white and move. OP you are lucky no excess baggage like this. Cut the cord and move on man. You know they say if you love someone set them free. If they come back they are yours to keep. I say ( take note op) if they come back do not take them because no one else wanted them. All the best to the next adventure Sindabad 😎
    Jun 22 2
    • Bloomberg cg_ny
      I thought arranged marriage was mostly a thing of the past these days (even in India/China) ?
      Jun 22
    • Intel exit23
      From India. Its tough when the entire society is created that way. Male to female ratio is all wonky causing distress and lack of availability. To many cultures languages and family just posing to be open. Its tough man. I am seeing this first hand. Just realized yesterday that my wife still talks to her ex or whatever consoling about making a mistake. When we went for dates before marriage she posed as though she has never been on dates. We have 5 year old daughter not sure what is going wrong.
      Her mother is here for every 6 months of the year for last 5-6 years of marriage. The remaining year she went to india. Gifts are not less than Apple products and armani perfumes.
      Marriage truly for me is the price I am paying for cheap uninteresting sex. So request OP to get the hell out.
      Jun 22
  • Microsoft
    BoomSauce

    Microsoft

    BIO
    Dropping knowledge and turds in equal measure
    BoomSaucemore
    Dude, RUN!!

    I know that type of girl - I dated one after college for years. Multiple red flags here. Not to mention that's it's very likely she's projecting when she's accusing you of cheating.

    Get out while you can. You'll be much happier.
    Jun 22 0
  • Google helllooooo
    you sound exasperated and resentful.

    🤔 you assume that because she brings up marriage she wants a meal ticket!? what about that she wants to build a life with you? omg I would be fucking pissed and laugh if a boyfriend ever said this to me.

    since you only have 2 YOE you’re probably young and in your 20s. There’s a book called “the defining decade”, maybe buy this for her and read it with her. You are taking the good responsible path and she is not and this book is exactly about those issues of people in their 20s. I’m reading it now, it’s enlightening. There’s a chapter on relationships that you guys may like.
    Jun 22 6
    • Google helllooooo
      I never said that it’s okay for a partner to be a freeloader. I pointed out that he was assuming that’s why she brought up marriage.

      He is not absolutely sure of cheating. This sounds like a concern of his, with no evidence mentioned.
      Jun 22
    • Oracle / IT
      l00tb0x

      Oracle IT

      PRE
      Ericsson, National Instruments
      l00tb0xmore
      True. But I think this situation is FUBAR. If she rather throw accusations than understand this will give a house under her ass in the long run, it's dead already.
      Jun 22
    • Marqeta / Eng ' '
      OP
      I'm not that young or that inexperienced in life.

      I did four years in the military right after high school so I could put myself through college without crippling debt.

      It's one of the reasons why I can't stand to see her wasting her life like this. Her family has money and supports her but she's done nothing with it.

      I've tried helping her to help herself and setting a good example with limited success.

      Also saw way too many dysfunctional shitfest benefits-driven marriages leading to messy life-ruining divorces during my time in.

      In light of that it doesn't seem smart to not be at least a little wary of anyone pushing so hard for getting hitched and having kids young when they know they could live comfortably off of my compensation without having to work themselves.
      Jun 22
    • Oracle / IT
      l00tb0x

      Oracle IT

      PRE
      Ericsson, National Instruments
      l00tb0xmore
      This is sad, op, but it seems you both are fundamentally different. I had a wife like this. It sucks
      Jun 22
    • Google helllooooo
      yeah it sounds like you guys want different things.
      Jun 22
  • Verisk Analytics pambeesly
    I had a boyfriend like that. Drop dead gorgeous but clearly lacked ambition. I felt choked after a while. We Had nasty fights and we ultimately went our separate ways. Best decision of my life when I look back. (The going separate ways part😒)
    Jun 22 4
    • Microsoft
      BoomSauce

      Microsoft

      BIO
      Dropping knowledge and turds in equal measure
      BoomSaucemore
      No Dundees for that dude!
      Jun 22
    • Verisk Analytics pambeesly
      Surely not for Toby🤭
      Jun 22
    • Intel exit23
      Nope he got the bushiest beaver award 🙈
      Jun 22
    • Microsoft
      BoomSauce

      Microsoft

      BIO
      Dropping knowledge and turds in equal measure
      BoomSaucemore
      Damn Toby! 😂
      Jun 22
  • Bloomberg cg_ny
    My ex-gf was a lot less ambitious than me and had a far less stressful job... in my experience that just doesn’t work out long term. She just couldn’t understand what it meant to be really stressed by work because she had never experienced it. It’s best to date someone with similar ambitions.
    Jun 22 0
  • Main problem isn’t the marriage, it’s the substance abuse problems. This can absolutely destroy her physically and mentally, and it can destroy you as well.

    You grew up. She didn’t. You need to have a talk with her and ask her where her life is going.

    Also — her constantly accusing you of cheating is worrying. This is a huge accusation and if there’s no trust so early in the relationship, you have some big red flags here. (It’s possible that she cheats on you as someone mentioned above but you have no evidence so far.)
    Jun 22 0
  • Uber sy48s
    Dump her. If u ever want her type back just go to any college campus and get with the nearest one.

    They're a dime a dozen.
    Jun 22 0
  • Avanade / Consultant MohyCS
    She’s gonna be one of those single ladies in her 30s with no guy who wants to marry them because by then, her looks have hit the wall.
    Jun 22 1
    • Cisco meoww
      Don’t listen to this incel. People find love at all ages
      Jun 22
  • Travelport / Eng buttnpushr
    On the part about cheating there is a funny correlation between the paranoia and being the cheating party
    Jun 22 3
    • Microsoft
      BoomSauce

      Microsoft

      BIO
      Dropping knowledge and turds in equal measure
      BoomSaucemore
      At first when I read your username I thought it said butt punisher!! 😂 Great point on the correlation. Very true
      Jun 22
    • Travelport / Eng buttnpushr
      You know what it is 😉
      Jun 22
    • Microsoft
      BoomSauce

      Microsoft

      BIO
      Dropping knowledge and turds in equal measure
      BoomSaucemore
      LOL I've been known to dabble in the craft from time to time
      Jun 22
  • Tinder trolol
    🙄 so many people saying that getting fucked up with drugs or alcohol is a red flag. GTFO with that nonsense. My wife and I do that shit all the time and we're both in our 30s. It's called having fun. We're both professionally successful, you just have to have self control.

    The girl sounds like a normal 20-something. Living with her parents is also pretty normal in the bay area right now for people not in tech, although if she's not doing it for the sake of necessity and she has no goals, THAT is a problem and you should try talking to her about it.

    At the end of the day, however, it just sounds like you've grown apart. You're not into that lifestyle anymore and she is. Both are fine, just different personalities. If you want to save the relationship you can try couples therapy for a couple months. If at that point there isn't some improvement, probably time to move on.
    Jun 22 2
    • The difference is she’s getting fucked up at a detriment to advancing her goals and career.

      Sure, once you’re already in your 30s and working professionals, do whatever you want. You obviously wouldn’t have gotten there if you had been fucked up in your 20s all the time.
      Jun 22
    • Splunk spl0102
      @trolol Sorry, I disagree. This is not a normal 20+ something behavior. And no, it is not normal to be in your mid 20s and living with your parents, besides I don’t see any mention of her working on her career or studying at school. Additionally, those accusations about him cheating are a typical BS of somebody immature and who has too much time on her hands.
      Yes , they have grown apart and, yes, they obviously have different goals in lives at this point. So my suggestion to OP is to cut the cord!
      Jun 22
  • Indeed / Eng indeeedd
    +1 to leetcode . Also what's your tc?
    Jun 22 3
    • Marqeta / Eng ' '
      OP
      115K, 2 YOE.

      That's fucking peanuts in the Bay, especially for FinTech. One of the reasons why I'm trying to keep moving.
      Jun 22
    • Google Dishw
      That's too less for the upkeep on a deadbeat gf. Leave and find some high TC girl who will make you feel like an equal partner
      Jun 22
    • Marqeta / Eng ' '
      OP
      Amazon seems right based on my experience. All the high TC ones are out grinding and getting that bread in their 20s, not dating around.
      Jun 22
  • Goldman Sachs fake engineer
    There's that saying that a person is the average of their 5 closest friends...

    I pretty much cut out all the friends who in their mid late 20s are still just binge drinking every weekend (and most weekdays). I like being around people who are more goal oriented and can hold good conversations instead of "Yo that party last time was sick I got so fucked up".

    Sounds like your gf falls in that bucket.
    Jun 22 1
    • Accenture Ylkh72
      Why do you consider yourself a fake engineer?
      Jun 22
  • Splunk spl0102
    Advice from a woman: there are too many red flags. It will not get better! If she is in fact in her mid-20s, and everything you describe is accurate and true, she seems to be living in la la Land. The sooner you break up, the sooner you will be able to move forward. You seem like a guy with a good head on your shoulders.
    Jun 22 0
  • Facebook <script />
    I'll take her
    Jun 22 0
  • Uber / Eng itsdara
    Be careful about marrying an ambitious woman, you might end up fighting a lot and the kids will suffer. It's ok to have totally separate career and personal life, meaning your wife doesn't have to understand your career choices etc... But it's important to have someone who trust and support your judgement in general and have similar priority in life (savings vs vacation for example)
    Jun 22 1
    • Amazon Seattle-yo
      I don't understand how ambition plays a role in your list pf potential problems.
      Jun 22
  • Marqeta / Eng ' '
    OP
    If you couldn't infer from the post, she wants more attention than is reasonable for somebody with adult priorities and someone who will enable her rather than call her out on her immaturity.

    I try to be the best boyfriend I can be to her when I do see her and give her plenty of support and affection.
    Jun 22 1
    • Uber sy48s
      Ur blinded dude. Wake the fuck up. I've been there and glad I ended things, I'm with a new girl now who doesn't put me through this kind of shit. Wake up bro
      Jun 22