Guys Don’t Like That

CLA / Mgmt
SVGND

CLA Mgmt

PRE
KPMG
SVGNDmore
May 18, 2018 15 Comments

Ladies, as a follow up to my blog post, “Why are gay guys more put together than my lesties?” the #SiliconValleyGuyNextDoor has decided offer a bit of help to all the lovely and talented Silicon Valley women. First of all, I love and respect women – my daughter, wife, and mother are the three women who started, complete, and will carry on my legacy. I treasure each of them in my heart and soul. As the father of a daughter, I admire, support and look up to strong women; as an American, the time has come for a woman to be the president of our great nation.
In my humble opinion, Secretary Clinton was not that woman. Now, #TulsiGabbard, she’s the real deal. Not just because of her beauty – I have been accused of being shallow – but, more importantly her progressive values and resistance to the Democratic Party establishment.
How have we reached this point of what not to do when trying to attract a mate? I’m not sure; it seems to be a combination of not caring about one’s appearance and trying much too hard to wear everything in the closet, all at one time. Love, just because he impregnated you does not mean he is going to make a lifetime commitment to watch you let yourself go while you end up looking like #Oprah
Ding dong goes the bell, but let’s give the chunky rings, earrings and necklaces a rest, sweetheart:
When did the idea of chunky jewelry become a fashion statement for wannabe celebrities? I see it all too often, a beautiful woman – with arguably nice hands – wearing rings the size of a professional wrestler’s championship belt, topped with a necklace the size of a chandelier from the Titanic, and earrings that will leave a crack on the side of her head to match the size of the one on the Liberty Bell. And who wears rings on their thumbs – someone trying to get the attention of a long-haul trucker, while hitch-hiking outside of Elko? Why not a tasteful ring or two, a pendent, and diamond studs? #DiamondsAreAGirlsBestFriend
Life’s too short to not do your nails:
Yes, yes, yes, I’m a blessed guy. I thank my lucky stars each night that God has given me the perfect wife. Perfection does take work. My wife handles her business – nails, hair, makeup, y todo! If you are going to take the time to keep your nails in the best shape possible, a few points to keep in mind:
Choose a color that compliments the rest of your beauty – no black or other harsh colors; and there is no need to have one nail painted different than the rest (or to have a flower - or other nonsense on your nails). Good God woman, please just give it a rest!
handle your nails on the regular – chips, etc. are worse than not having your nails done at all;
if your nails are short, please, in the name of all that is holy, stick with a clear coat;
let’s take care of all 20 – that one nail that is broken makes you look like a #Pornhub reject.
Please stop with the pants suits:
She lost - #NachoPresident – a nice solid-colored dress would do wonders for your love life. Show off those sexy legs and have some self-respect.
Sensible shoes make no sense:
If I’ve seen it once, I’ve seen it a million times: gorgeous woman in the elevator: perfect makeup, hair, and dress – and then we get to her shoes – NO! Flats?! No, the Earth is not flat – Mother Earth wears solid-colored pumps.
Sitters are people too:
May we please put babysitters back to work? No one wants your whiney kids at dinner. Not only that, but the kids do not want to be there with you in your yoga pants and dad in his cargo shorts. Isn’t there a Chucky Cheese around somewhere – perhaps Tully Road? Here’s an idea, you take the kids to the pizza place and let your man go to the Me Love You Long Time Tender Touch Salon for a nice “therapeutic” massage.
Why so loud, babe?
I totally understand that dining out is a social activity (it’s been suggested that if I do not like people, I should not leave my home), but do I really have to endure every word of your mundane conversation from five tables away? Perhaps you should eliminate the white wine from #GNO
Let’s move to the nail salon. This is my quiet time of relaxation: not the time to be put through the torture of hearing about Zander and Harper’s combination birthday parties. Does the mouth ever stop spewing the nonsense? Is getting rid of you for an hour your man’s way of getting the noise to stop at home? Is there a product to strip out your varicose veins (or at least a cover to keep them from grossing out everyone in the salon)? So many questions, such little time.
Yoga pants are not for you, love:
This one really gets me. I believe they are called “yoga pants” because of the comfort and flexibility when one is engaged in the practice of yoga. Based on what I have seen of the bottoms packaged inside of these yoga pants, I would argue that these women have spent more time, not in a yoga studio, but enjoying super-sized meals at the local #McDonalds.
In closing, you women can do this – I believe in you 100%. Trust in yourself as much as Ellen believes in you. Be the woman your parents dreamed about – the one who changes the world – in a tasteful dress and heels, not rainbow colored yoga pants!

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TOP 15 Comments
  • Dropbox Dropboxly
    TL;DR
    May 18, 2018 0
  • Apple Bronze
    I also like stimulants
    May 18, 2018 0
  • BCG XETo72
    Stop it. I’m gay myself and I hate when other gays do this.
    May 18, 2018 0
  • Apple
    qsyi70

    Apple

    PRE
    Nike, Google
    qsyi70more
    You need a hobby
    May 18, 2018 0
  • Amazon intense
    Let's see YOU make YOUR varicose veins (or any other genetic issue) disappear. Douchebag.
    May 18, 2018 0
  • New / Eng EBkL16
    I kinda just skimmed through that, but... Is there an entire paragraph just about yoga pants buried in there?
    May 18, 2018 0
  • New / Eng
    life[::-1]

    New Eng

    BIO
    Backend python engineer with 5 years exp in the US
    life[::-1]more
    Damn son you write more than a Markov chain trained on Oprah’s speeches
    May 18, 2018 0
  • SAP louie
    Tl;dr
    May 18, 2018 0
  • NAVEX Global HollaBackG
    Let’s see YOU walk around SF in heels without breaking your ankles. Douchebag.
    May 18, 2018 1
    • Amazon / Eng
      Hooliganss

      Amazon Eng

      BIO
      AWS
      Hooliganssmore
      Why would you walk around anywhere with heels?
      May 18, 2018
  • Airbnb / Other Donna
    Cool story bro
    May 18, 2018 0
  • Google tentenths.
    When the post starts with, “First of all, I love and respect women” because you have a mother, there’s no need to read the rest.
    May 18, 2018 0
  • Sirius XM Jd0swKf
    There’s a phrase, “know your audience,” that you should use when writing. It’s not about what you think they need to hear, it’s about what will actually resonate with them.
    May 18, 2018 0
  • But... ... ...

    Why?
    May 18, 2018 0
  • Amazon / Eng
    Hooliganss

    Amazon Eng

    BIO
    AWS
    Hooliganssmore
    Christ that’s a novel and a half
    May 18, 2018 0

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