Had my life ruined for years

Square QhkJ05
Feb 13, 2018 123 Comments

I was working at my first job out of college and my team lead was an unpleasant guy with an ego but everyone seemed to like him. My colleagues were always engaging in banter with him and he was popular and decently good looking. I tried really hard to be nice and social towards him.

The company culture revolved around lots of drinking events which I assumed was normal. One time I was meant to have a weekend night out with a girlfriend and some of my favorite coworkers mentioned a fun event at a bar nearby so I went out with her to the event and met up with them. I was planning an early hike the next day so I went out early, intending to be home before midnight, and limited myself to half a beer at home and two drinks at the bar over the course of several hours. Everything was really fun up until this point.

Then my team lead showed up and insisted on buying me a beer. I said I was good and done drinking but he wouldn't back off. He put it in my hand and said "wow you're really not gonna drink this? I got it for you." So I drank half and put it down. Everyone danced with each other and I danced with him too. After this I remember nothing.

According to my friend I was acting SUPER intoxicated which was odd considering I had 3 drinks in 4 hours. She decided to get us a cab and take me home. But when she went to call the cab, the team lead intervened and said he and his friend would walk us home. She argued but he insisted and she said ok because it was a warm night and she assumed my coworkers were trustworthy.

I remember nothing from that night except 3 second long snippets of being carried down the street by my team lead. The whole night was a complete black out. For reference, the only other time I've blacked out, my friends and I were all drugged at a college party years before (but nothing bad happened thankfully). I'm not a heavy drinker at all and if I do drink more than intended, I usually get sick immediately and never forget anything major. I think it's safe to assume he put something in my drink.

I won't go into the gory details but I woke up to him sexually assaulting me the next morning. I cried for days because a guy I was seeing found out and he shunned me. I assumed I was a dumb drunk party girl and the whole thing was my fault. I genuinely tried to rationalize why I would have sex with someone I found abhorrent, let alone my team lead, but came up empty.

By the time it dawned on me that what happened to me was rape, I found out the team lead was telling everyone we had sex and that I was a slut. The whole office knew.

Eventually I went to HR and they refused to acknowledge the assault but said they found evidence of him defaming me. They suspended him without pay for 2 weeks and switched my team.

I was severely depressed and suffering from constant flashbacks and PTSD. My work performance was decent but I had one late project when I felt really down. I wanted to leave but didn't have the mental energy. Eventually I got a poor performance review citing that one late assignment and didn't get my target bonus.

I took the first job I offered and got the hell out of there. The new job was an awful place with its own set of problems and I was still suffering from severe trauma so every day was a struggle. But at least I didn't have to see my assailant anymore.

It's been nearly 5 years since it happened and only in the last year do I feel like my life is finally starting to improve. I've worked so hard in therapy to get myself back on my feet.

Sometimes I'm amazed I had the fortitude to move to SF and start a new life at a great company and finally stop feeling like my entire post grad work history was tainted by this horrible event. Really wish I had some concrete evidence to build a case against him but there's no tangible proof.

Sigh #metoo

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TOP 123 Comments
  • Facebook Cpt Picard
    How did you end up at his place? How did he manage to separate you from your friend?

    It might have been a good idea to go to the police rather than stopping at HR, but hindsight is 20/20.

    Stay strong.
    Feb 13, 2018 10
    • Microsoft Gjhxejoub
      Why do you have to be such a jerk about it? F u comments totally unnecessary. Person sharing a disturbing, private and traumatic memory. No one is being identified so you don’t need to reflexively defend anyone.
      Feb 13, 2018
    • Undisclosed / Mktg cmo
      No, again, p-on. I'm just trying to fill a gap in the story, trying to understand what happened. This is called critical thinking, and can lead to more serious questions and answers, like....

      (1) Why in the hell did her ROOMMATE, who wasn't intoxicated, let him stay in their apartment? Why didn't the roommate draw the line there? Okay, so he wouldn't leave.... Immediate red flag, call the police. Did the roommate know the guy was violating her? Ultimately, it was the rapist who should be held responsible for his crime. But, if you witnessed an adult beating a child and did nothing to stop it, you should be held accountable too -- in the same way, the roommate should be too.

      (2) Let's say the roommate wasn't one of the parties at fault. Can she not be a witness to the police?

      I have helped women report these types of crimes. Every time, the victim is reluctant to report it. Every time, the victim is constantly replaying the events of the night/morning over and over again in their head trying to figure out what happened and trying to justify themselves. When someone helps them piece together what exactly happened they gain a greater sense of confidence in themselves allowing them to see through the haze, and better cope with the horrific situation. Only then do they feel like they have enough power in their hands to do something about it.
      Feb 13, 2018
    • Microsoft Gjhxejoub
      This whole line of questioning is lame. Who knows what was going on with the roommate? This was years ago. Doesn’t change or diminish this persons story. Quit fucking attempting to cross examine an anonymous woman, and calling other women peons. Uncalled for and unhelpful.
      Feb 13, 2018
    • Pinterest CarrotCake
      The people above are asking questions for weird reasons. I think it's worth it to understand the answers so that we see how benign it was up until it wasn't. That's how quick a night can turn into a crime and at no fault of either of the two women.
      Feb 13, 2018
    • Amazon / Eng somecsdude
      It is weird that your roommate was okay to let him stay.
      Feb 14, 2018
  • The Home Depot RrRrRr
    HR is not your friend. They exist to protect the company from liability.

    If you are assaulted go immediately to the hospital and get blood work, followed by filing a police report
    Feb 13, 2018 0
  • Expedia
    MeTooToo

    Expedia

    PRE
    Microsoft, Cox Communications, NPR
    MeTooToomore
    I’m sorry this happened. You are strong for overcoming this. It was definitely not your fault. At all.
    Feb 13, 2018 0
  • Upwork CryptoMann
    Congratulations for being a strong survivor. You need no advice from me, you already know how to march forward with your head held high, confident that you have risen above this and will lead a happy life (which is the best revenge)
    Feb 13, 2018 2
    • Square QhkJ05
      OP
      Thank you. That's really nice to hear.
      Feb 13, 2018
    • Google residalien
      +1 to this comment and sentiment. I'd think posting this and telling this story is a big step, so big ups for doing that.
      Feb 13, 2018
  • Microsoft PiR0gj
    You're joking or trolling, right? If not, I don't understand. Why you drink if you can't control yourself? Especially with people you barely know. This whole situation is asking for trouble regardless whether you are man or woman.
    Feb 17, 2018 4
    • Google tcCd20
      They're her co-workers so there was some level of trust. It's not like she accepted a drink from a guy on the street.
      Feb 17, 2018
    • Microsoft / Eng Tattletale
      Not sure if trolling but if not, you sir/madam are an idiot. If its not clear to you Sherlock/Sherla, her drink was spiked. Also, if she was drunk, doesn't mean she can be taken advantage of. People with thinking like you are the reason the world blames the victims. Ignore, if what you wrote was sarcasm.
      Feb 17, 2018
    • Undisclosed CTMURQ
      She was drugged, you simple moron. Those drugs make you almost helpless, limiting your motor control and wiping your memory. They are absolutely horrific. If it was alcohol intoxication that doesn't change how unacceptable her coworker's behavior was--taking advantage of someone who is clearly incapacitated and unable to give consent is rape, plain and simple. You are the problem.
      Feb 17, 2018
    • Credit Karma 77yr5ee3hc
      Yeesh. Holy shit. Who could read the OP and not get that she was drugged? Holy psychosis, Batman.
      Feb 18, 2018
  • LinkedIn / Eng Zaku
    Justice will serve that asshole one day.
    Feb 13, 2018 3
    • Square QhkJ05
      OP
      I fantasize about it all the time
      Feb 13, 2018
    • Facebook roxmox
      ^ this breaks my heart. There has to be some way to build a case
      Feb 13, 2018
    • Undisclosed jacks
      Name him
      Feb 14, 2018
  • Amazon FreeHat
    Have you considered taking matters into your own hands? You could put your creative energy into ruining his life.
    Feb 13, 2018 10
    • Amazon FreeHat
      Wow, just when I thought this post couldn’t be more depressing.
      Feb 14, 2018
    • Facebook admins_mom
      That's the problem with feeding yourself with hate, revenge and depression: you start seeing only that, and it's everywhere
      Feb 14, 2018
    • Amazon FreeHat
      Or maybe you’re just a douche?
      Feb 15, 2018
    • Facebook admins_mom
      I'm sorry you feel that way. And I rest my case.
      Feb 15, 2018
    • Amazon FreeHat
      ‘Goddammit blind. Whoever came up with the sentence "not sure if trolling or stupid" must have known you personally.’ I aspire to your level of non-judgmental Zen, oh wise one. Get over yourself.
      Feb 15, 2018
  • Amazon banan
    While this wasn't at work, but rather at college, I also was raped. He also walked free. He also raped 2 of my friends that same week. When we went to police & school, they said we would have to identify ourselves publicly if we wanted to press charges. I was 18 and scared it would ruin my life and career if people knew. Somehow it leaked to the news, we remained anonymous but still nothing happened to him. There are articles that exist out there online about 3 girls reporting the SAME MAN for rape and one of the girls had a rape kit done with evidence and that motherf***er didn't get kicked out of school or set a toe in jail. I wish sometimes now I could find the strength to resurface this and make a public post but I am still to this day worried it would ruin my career and my reputation.
    I am so sorry this happened to you. Sending you my love and support you beautiful stranger!


    #metoo
    Feb 13, 2018 4
    • Square QhkJ05
      OP
      Reading this made me cry. Ugh. I'm sure you can still do something if the statute of limitations isn't up! I dream of putting my rapist in jail because I'm sure he has assaulted other women.
      Feb 14, 2018
    • Hitachi Vantara KkWq48
      Omg unbelievable... so sorry to hear this and all the stories of others and the OP. We will fight this and know you have support. I truly pray that when my child grows up, more of us human beings have learned what it means to have true human decency and respect each other and care for each other rather than hurt like this.
      Feb 14, 2018
    • Amazon banan
      <3
      Feb 15, 2018
    • Undisclosed Pikachew
      Going after him or anyone who has assaulted you will not ruin your life.

      This will not ruin your reputation.

      This will not ruin your career.

      This is why the #MeToo movement exists - so that this generation and the next generation and the NEXT generation of women will never have to wonder if they have to choose justice or a scarlet letter. Go after him & know there is a legion of good men and women behind you. Justice has a long memory.
      Mar 5, 2018
  • Thumbtack ttvd
    i am so sorry. thank you for sharing.
    Feb 13, 2018 0
  • Flagged by the community.

    • Expedia
      MeTooToo

      Expedia

      PRE
      Microsoft, Cox Communications, NPR
      MeTooToomore
      Why are you trolling this channel? Screw you for mocking this person’s very real traumatic experience.
      Feb 13, 2018
    • Nextdoor gaudyjewel
      you’re a sad human being
      Feb 13, 2018
  • Facebook bPnt73
    You are resilient and strong for surviving this, and it is not your fault it took time to realize what had happened. Conditioning and culture are powerful forces, plus... wouldnt it be less traumatic if it was my fault? Or so it may seem.

    I hope you find the healing in whatever form you need it. And i hope justice catches up with him regardless.
    Feb 13, 2018 0
  • Facebook / Eng _anon
    Why don’t u reveal the name of the jerk and we can make a whole social media rage against him and possibly alert other people around him. The advantage of blind is you will be revealing his identity without revealing yours. You would not find other forum to do this
    Feb 14, 2018 4
    • Facebook / Eng _anon
      I will be willing to post your story in social media anonymously if you reveal the name of the person. It is totally your decision, this is just my suggestion
      Feb 14, 2018
    • Uber jx781h
      I am all for outing these monster, and very positive if not they will do the same to other women.
      Feb 14, 2018
    • Lyft Brohug
      By revealing his identity she is kind of revealing herself. She is perhaps concerned about what happens next
      Feb 14, 2018
    • Microsoft
      JoanHarris

      Microsoft

      BIO
      Goddess of sexual pleasure and other pleasant things. I have left Microsoft and am working at Amazon but, of course, my opinions are my own.
      JoanHarrismore
      Don’t do it. A very bad idea AND does nothing to help you heal.
      Feb 15, 2018
  • Microsoft
    JoanHarris

    Microsoft

    BIO
    Goddess of sexual pleasure and other pleasant things. I have left Microsoft and am working at Amazon but, of course, my opinions are my own.
    JoanHarrismore
    People... outing him also outs her. And puts her at risk of lawsuits. Since she can’t get him put in jail where he belongs, in my opinion the next best thing for her is to move on and live her life.
    Feb 15, 2018 4
    • Microsoft Gjhxejoub
      Agreed...if she puts outs him she’s vulnerable to a defamation suit. Except...if other women he’s done it to step forward. Takes lots of bravery to be the first.
      Feb 15, 2018
    • Credit Karma kazooie
      IF ONLY BLIND HAD SOME WAY OF HELPING WITH THIS, SAY A SUBMISSION TOOL TO CONNECT PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN VICTIMS OF THE SAME PREDATOR. IT'S ALMOST LIKE TECHNOLOGY COULD ACTUALLY HELP HERE
      Feb 16, 2018
    • Microsoft Biz Exec
      And let him assault others??
      Feb 16, 2018
    • Microsoft
      JoanHarris

      Microsoft

      BIO
      Goddess of sexual pleasure and other pleasant things. I have left Microsoft and am working at Amazon but, of course, my opinions are my own.
      JoanHarrismore
      She went to HR... it’s not like she didn’t try. But why should she be revictimized trying to get some kind of justice for others? She has done her part. Perhaps outing the company that allowed the shenanigans to occur? That is actionable, puts the onus on HR to actually take this shit seriously, and helps direct women to employers that don’t suck.
      Feb 16, 2018
  • Daimler / Eng mdkiuBdjo
    Thank you for sharing. I'm very sorry you experienced this.
    Feb 13, 2018 0
  • Undisclosed
    JoanHarris

    Undisclosed

    BIO
    Goddess of sexual pleasure and other pleasant things. I have left Microsoft and am working at Amazon but, of course, my opinions are my own.
    JoanHarrismore
    The one comment I’ll make is that he didn’t ruin your life. He did a horrible thing and deserves all the contempt in the world but please don’t let this define you or “ruin” you. I promise that if you continue to work on it, you’ll find a way to recover most of your previous joy and ease. Be the Phoenix that rises from ashes - it can be done!
    Feb 13, 2018 1
    • Upwork CryptoMann
      I second this. He did not ruin your life, you are owning your life
      Feb 15, 2018
  • Microsoft / Eng Candycane
    I’m sorry this happened. What company was this at? Would you mind telling us?
    Feb 13, 2018 1
    • Square QhkJ05
      OP
      Random small company on the East Coast. I'm on the other side of the continent now.
      Feb 13, 2018
  • Google zkdc
    You should absolutely 100% contact a criminal lawyer in the state this happened in, assuming that state has a criminal statute of limitations for rape that hasn't expired. Your testimony and witness testimony is enough to move this forward. If it goes to court he would have to swear under oath that he didn't put anything in your drink. And why would he have called you a slut/defamed you if he hadn't raped you? He incriminated himself. Even if the statute of limitations expired, the court of public opinion would gladly welcome your statement against him.
    Feb 19, 2018 0
  • Microsoft Biz Exec
    I do not recommend revenge as that has its own dark hole, but I recommend spending a couple hundred $ and sending a lawyer after the predator.

    MeToo has somewhat of a social contract element now. You owe it coming out so the other victims can vocalize their experiences with this predator.

    I'll pitch in $100.
    Feb 14, 2018 0
  • Microsoft Vatv55
    You've already showed you are indeed very strong. Keep telling anyone who will listen. If the legal route doesn't work out, pm me with the name and location of this sleazeball. I know you won't do that since you're probably a decent human being. I'm vindictive as hell and would sincerely enjoy making his life very difficult.
    Feb 13, 2018 0
  • Uber hxYQ27
    Guys like that don’t deserve to live honestly, holy shit I’m so mad
    Feb 13, 2018 0

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