Hello Blind I’m starting to think I’m a toxic person and am looking for feedback or ways to improve my behavior. Basically, every time I join a new team or company, I am super excited, respectful and eager to work with my team mates. I see them as senior folks, high achievers, and learn a lot from them. This phase lasts for about a couple years, depending on the skill level of the team (sometimes less). After that, I start to see massive flaws in each member that really bother me, my growth stalls and I basically start hating everybody: I’m still professional of course, but fundamentally I dread coming into work and deal with their quirks (e.g. the guy who wants to over document a feature, the guy who under tests a feature, the guy who doesn’t have good CS fundamentals when we talk about performance, the guy who I know doesn’t care about TC and is basically working for free at the company, ...) and would just like them to disappear from my day and life. As a result, I become a jerk, isolate myself, never chit chat, always eat at my desk or alone, and basically always have a grumpy look. I think I may have some sort of misanthropy, I basically can’t stand the same set of people after a while, unless they emanate so much energy that I feel I’m constantly growing from interacting with them (like when I’m ramping up in a new team). What’s wrong with me?
Sounds like you resent them. Communicating honestly should improve that.
Part of it is natural. You do start noticing flaws the longer you work with someone. I'm not sure what to say about the hatred. Are you a perfectionist by nature?
Not a perfectionist. I think I may have some sort of misanthropy, I basically can’t stand the same set of people after a while, unless they emanate so much energy that I feel I’m constantly growing from interacting with them.
So you start as a small kid who admires its parents and end up as a teenager who (temporarily) hates them for everything. What about accepting their imperfections and being a role model yourself? And does this pattern appear anywhere else in your life? Anyway, it is good that you notice it and think about it.
Not really anywhere else. I go along well with family and have long time friends, as well as a long time girlfriend. It’s really just at work, I just can’t stand other people’s behavior, I feel it always gets in my way :(
Maybe after couple years you start thinking you deserve better in terms of your career? And you slowly start hating your environment, including your coworkers, and later you change companies. And again and again. I felt somewhat similar when I had a feeling I'm a misfit, both under and overqualified for my current role.
I know people exactly like this. As you mature, you will start to see strengths in others that you aren’t even able to comprehend right now. Part of no longer being super junior is getting to the point where there will be some things you are much better at than even those more senior and experienced than you. That doesn’t mean they suck. It’s just that they have different strengths. Try finding a mentor who can help you see strengths in others that you aren’t able to comprehend right now.
At FB, it's harder to find people who are NOT like this...
I’m probably too old to get a mentor at work, I have 11yoe.
I don't trust anyone without seeing their flaws first. I don't actively seek to find flaws in others though, but I do anticipate it in everyone. Everybody struggles with their flaws man, be kind and accept it while protecting yourself from it, that means don't trust or admire anyone without knowing their flaws first
Don't worry, you're only seeing the truth. Human nature for the most part is filth, so there's nothing wrong with your observations. Just try to better manage your anger.
That’s me. lol
On a positive note, you seem to have a pretty good self awareness.
That's exactly how I feel. I wouldn't describe my feelings as "hating everybody". It's more a loss of professional respect for most coworkers. I only have healthy interactions with a few top performers. As the saying goes "familiarity breeds contempt"
Damn, you’re spot on.
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Worry about yourself and how you should be improving yourself instead. "Don't complain about the snow on your neighbor's roof when your own doorstep is unclean."
I understand. But that’s like saying to a drug addict to just stop consuming drugs. I can’t change the feeling of mad discomfort I get when people get in my way at work.
Holier than thou. That's the label I'll put on you. You are probably abrasive as well. I'd recommend trying to teach your better choices to folks around you. Have empathy. Be a good mentor. If you are really good then with those changes you will also start enjoying the positive changes in your team. You'll probably move up the management ladder as well with that change.