Heading down to divorce

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pjbg

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Apr 12 77 Comments

Asian, marriage for 10+ years, kids.

Husband doesn’t get along with my family and I really want to live with mom ( dad passed away) She wants to live with us too.

I am not in bad term with in-law but not great relationship also. In-law has supported and doesn’t want to tag along with us. ( Husband thinks I hate in-law, truth to be told, I don’t love them enough)

Things have gone down hill for years. It just hits me recently that I probably happier divorce.

Am I wrong putting family before spouse ? I know the priorities. Suddenly I want change. We talk and he is ok with it. Both of us work and earn enough to live. Should I start the divorce process.

Thanks

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TOP 77 Comments
  • Apple / Eng
    Djfj663hdj

    AppleEng

    PRE
    Google, Netflix
    Djfj663hdjmore
    Holy 💩 - put family before spouse? Your spouse IS your FAMILY. You will spend more time with spouse than parents. You subconsciously did not view spouse as family. That is the root of issues you described imho
    Apr 127
    • Google
      tsukino

      Google

      BIO
      w
      tsukinomore
      Not after divorce
      Apr 12
    • Amazon 737max💥
      Kids before spouse for sure
      Apr 12
    • Microsoft
      tech.ladki

      Microsoft

      PRE
      Google
      tech.ladkimore
      Your spouse can divorce you one day, your biological family, at least for Asians, will never!
      Apr 12
    • OpenTable Meliodas
      Bullshit, they do it to gay and trans kids all the time.
      Apr 13
    • Compass / Eng
      FUPayMe

      CompassEng

      PRE
      Google
      FUPayMemore
      Doesn’t sound like OP is gay or trans tho so no issue here.
      Apr 13
    • OpenTable Meliodas
      It falsified the assertion that Asian families don’t kick out family members.
      Apr 13
    • Microsoft
      tech.ladki

      Microsoft

      PRE
      Google
      tech.ladkimore
      Fair enough, but not helpful in this context.
      And as a straight person like the OP, I wouldn't have to worry about it.
      Apr 13
  • Oath xxxcd
    Yes, you are wrong to put family before spouse. Wait, let me rephrase that. You have your priorities set on the wrong family.

    It doesn’t sound like there are any problems with your relationship with your husband. Your problem is letting your mother get between you and your husband. You have your own family now. You need to grow up and put this family first.

    Lastly, you should only consider divorce when the problem is between you and your husband and not between your husband and your mother.
    Apr 121
    • Adobe CodeCircus
      This is so true. My husband was a mama’s boy and his mom is a classic manipulator and addict. It took a third-party (therapist) to see how unhealthy she was throughout his life, especially with boundaries. Go to a therapist and talk this through before making a divorce permanent.
      Apr 13
  • Microsoft Raindrop1
    Nobody can make this decision for you. I suggest counseling before making a permanent decision.
    Apr 121
  • New Monono
    There's no way people can fully we can comprehend your situation based on a few paragraphs. Relationships are complex. I'd suggest talking it through with close friends. Your kids should be the priority.
    Apr 1210
    • SAP
      pjbg

      SAP

      BIO
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      pjbgmore
      OP
      Kids won’t be happy if I am sad and careless
      Apr 12
    • New Monono
      Does he make you that unhappy?
      Apr 12
    • New Monono
      That sounds like a very selfish way to view things. Even if your unhappy, you should always try to make your kids happy. You're feelings can change, but your kids are still growing and developing a perspective on life , how you appear to your children will directly influence who they become. Your feelings are temporary and can be changed, but theirs will be ingrained in them for the rest of their life.
      Apr 12
    • SAP
      pjbg

      SAP

      BIO
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      pjbgmore
      OP
      That is bad that only when family involved.

      This weekend we have aunt/uncle visiting from out of town. I dearly want to host because we have the bigger house. Asian culture!

      Not only I don’t dare to ask him. I let my cousin hosts. I only ask if I can have them over for dinner together. No, stating that he hates them.

      Mom is also 1-2 hours drive anyway. My brother hosts her. When I have her come over, I walk on eggshells that I hate the feeling so much.

      Who am I living in the house that I have no right for visitors when I make more $ and contribute more on caring for kids/housework.
      Apr 12
    • SAP
      pjbg

      SAP

      BIO
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      pjbgmore
      OP
      That is why I need a divorce. How much you can fake a happiness in front of kids ? They grow up thinking that this is what love is and marriage is, which is totally wrong
      Apr 12
    • New Monono
      Is this really about family? If you love each other and make each other happy, then family is just an inconvenience.
      Apr 12
    • Cisco ciscosucks
      Omg. He sounds typical old fashioned Asian husband (Indian if I may). It is your house. Go ahead invite friends and family for dinner as you wish. Let him know they are coming on such date etc. You are making or ordering food, and he should have dinner anyway. don't keep asking permission. You are implicitly making him boss-man. Don't celebrate his faces or glares. Ignore. Be boss woman. At least show that it's your house equally. Own it. Be happy within yourself and go about your business. Yes initial few times will be hard. even hell. But he will learn.thats what relationships bring. Having a wife changes your life. Just like having a husband changed yours. Who died and made him god. Stand up for yourself. You don't have to fight n get everything on record before doing things. Hardly very few men are as open minded and welcoming to relatives. Hopefully next generation is better.
      Apr 12
    • Microsoft
      tech.ladki

      Microsoft

      PRE
      Google
      tech.ladkimore
      Cisco sucks because of people like you who make unfounded assumptions.
      It is not just her house, it is their house.
      If you share a house with a roommate, world you be okay with the roommate doing what you said above?
      Apr 12
    • Facebook lkj630
      I agree with Cisco, you shouldn't be walking on eggshells in your own home. And I agree you can't fake happiness. Maybe I'm an outlier, but I was relieved when my parents for divorced. Rather they were separated than fighting all the time.
      Also the fact that you earn more money (I assume higher stress job) *and* do more work around the house *and* have up make sure not to upset him, that sounds exhausting.
      Apr 12
    • Cisco ciscosucks
      @tech.ladki. I missed a 'too' there. It's her house too. Don't take it in literal sense. 🙄.
      Roommate and Husband or spouse is NOT same. Do you sleep with your roommate? Have kids? Do their laundry? Cook? Clean? Take care of sickness, I mean not just flu - if they break a leg or hand you help them with bath, shit n everything between? Be nice, smile to their relatives lifelong or even when they stay over do all these things out of your way? Or do they do all this for you? You are building a life together. You are not on a rental agreement to maintain individual rooms and shared spaces, implict agreement to go separate ways in the end.. You can change roommates whenever you feel like it, hopefully spouses not as often. I really hope you are not sharing your deepest vulnerabilities, your love and your bank accounts with your roommates.
      Apr 13
  • Nutanix hmbsjc1
    Yes, please divorce so your husband can have a normal wife who thinks of him as family.
    Apr 121
    • Amazon 737max💥
      And this is what she's saying. He DOES deserve that, and so does she. So pull the plug.
      Apr 12
  • Facebook / EngPureWin
    Use the Marie Kondo method. Does he spark joy in you? No? Throw him out. Your kids can most certainly survive a divorce, and are much better off with separated happy parents instead of two people married and miserable.

    Of course if you’re asking this question on Blind, you’ve already known the final answer. You’re just seeking approval for something you feel is too troublesome to do.
    Apr 129
    • Oath xxxcd
      “Survive” is very relative. It’s more like traumatized. Even if you go through family court, the judge will decide on the divorce based on what is best for the child. The judge’s aim is still a 50/50 split on the child’s custody.
      Apr 12
    • Facebook / EngPureWin
      Simply getting divorced won’t traumatize kids. It usually comes about from the messiness of fighting for custody and all of the emotional manipulation that comes along with it.

      It’s definitely possible to avoid the trauma if both parties can find a way to amicably move on.
      Apr 12
    • Facebook lkj630
      +1 can confirm. I was relieved when my parents got divorced because all of the tension and fighting went away.
      Apr 12
    • Oath xxxcd
      How long ago was that? Was it an instant relief or you had a healing period? Would you rather want your parents separate or resolve their conflicts?
      Apr 13
    • Facebook lkj630
      They initially started to work on things when I was about 7. Got properly divorced when I was 10 or 11. Honestly, by the time they divorced, I was glad that we could all stop pretending there was nothing wrong. It was a time in my life where I can now see I felt very powerless, because there was all this tension and unhappiness going on that I didn't understand. And because they weren't really working as partners, my sister and I often got kind of overlooked, because they were trying really hard to make things between themselves work.
      My parents had a fairly amicable breakup. My dad was around as much as we wanted - there was no this weekend at Dad's, this at Mom's. We still acted as a family, they just weren't living together and at each other's throats all the time. We all did dinner as a family once a week until my dad passed when I was 23. It dramatically improved my family life. And most of the issues I've dealt with since then have honestly had more to do with my parents interactions when they were together than anything to do with the divorce.
      Staying together for the kids isn't always better for the kids. Happy to discuss more if you're interested - send me a dm.
      Apr 13
    • SAP
      pjbg

      SAP

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      pjbgmore
      OP
      He said he needs half of the $. I keep the kids 100% . And he can do the child support per court order.

      I mentioned child support amount he can decide. I don’t really care. Money will be tight and they might be out of private schools but I’ll figure something out. It is not the end of the world.
      Apr 13
    • Microsoft
      tech.ladki

      Microsoft

      PRE
      Google
      tech.ladkimore
      Divorce because spouse doesn't spark joy may not be a good idea. Being a single mom comes with a lot of pain points, and depending on the relationship, being with s spouse may suck less.
      Apr 13
    • Microsoft
      tech.ladki

      Microsoft

      PRE
      Google
      tech.ladkimore
      OP, if not for your family and his family, is your relationship with your spouse good.
      Apr 13
    • Facebook / EngPureWin
      @lkj630 - Thank you for sharing your story.

      @tech.ladki - Perhaps; this certainly feels like a pick your poison type of thing. I’m probably biased because I was successfully raised by a single mom.
      Apr 14
  • New / OtherAuntHilda
    There are so many red flags based on what you shared. You aren't supportive of his parents BUT you want him to live with your mom, you consider your mom as a family but not him. How all of these is fair? I think he will be better off without you.
    Apr 121
    • CVS Health Yoho
      Spot on!
      Apr 12
  • Microsoft BiggieMac
    Yeah like ^he said. You seem to be the problem here. Invest yourself
    Apr 120
  • I can tell you expectations I will have from my wife - I will want her to respect my parents. I would like her to act like a daughter to my parents and love them. (Obviously I am Indian). Did you find out why you don't love your in-laws? Did you try to fix that problem? Should this be not your responsibility to keep your husband happy by keeping your in-laws happy? (I am not negative but I am just brainstorming from your husband's point of view). Is it worth to give a try to love your in-laws unconditionally instead of filling for divorce?
    Apr 137
    • Nutanix hmbsjc1
      Haha. I am Indian as well. I asked my wife (non Indian) to be like a daughter to my parents also. She did. Actually she went out of her way.
      My parents still abused her because they are abusive by nature.
      Now I’m brown and bitter, just like my beer.
      Apr 13
    • Then it make sense. Atleast she tried for you
      Apr 13
    • Facebook lkj630
      Shouldn't he try and respect and show care for her parents too?
      Apr 13
    • Absolutely.
      Apr 13
    • Nutanix hmbsjc1
      @uber. Yes she is wonderful. Point is the weird expectations that Indian and Chinese parents have is ridiculous.
      Apr 13
    • Just saying it should not be a deadlock that I should not love his parents because he doesn't love my parents too. (Maybe he also has this reasoning) If OP is already thinking of divorce, why not try this last thing to start loving his parents (maybe he will also start caring her parents more).
      Apr 14
    • Facebook lkj630
      I dunno, allowing her to have her mom visit without being unpleasant doesn't seem like much to ask from him. That doesn't require him loving them.
      Apr 14
  • Intel Act2016
    You deserve to be alone.

    Spouse first !
    Apr 121
    • SAP
      pjbg

      SAP

      BIO
      Bio on blind!
      pjbgmore
      OP
      Probably you are right. If I am thinking this way, he is no longer considering important.
      Apr 12
  • Cisco ciscosucks
    No no. I kind of feel this is not the only reason you are thinking this way. There are hundreds of little things that do add up. You can get frustrated and emotionally drained. It's normal I guess. Take a break from constant thinking. Compromise and get you mom to stay for 4-5 months at a time, maybe she can travel for a month to places she wants to see or experience she wants do.
    slowly get him used to the idea of having your mom around. Until it becomes natural for him and even he starts to enjoy the little benefits like special food or taking care of kid etc. As a grandma anyone would love to do that now and then. Don't make it a big announcement or a major issue n fight over it.
    Apr 124
    • SAP
      pjbg

      SAP

      BIO
      Bio on blind!
      pjbgmore
      OP
      I can’t even host her a weekend night without him giving a disapproval face. I guess I need a divorce
      Apr 12
    • Cisco ciscosucks
      Ignore him if he's giving you the face. No one gets along with in laws. Lol. He will learn to live with that fact.
      Apr 12
    • Amazon 737max💥
      I guess he's old fashioned Asian and thinks that you lost your family when you married and became his property. Fuck that. Get out now. You deserve better.
      Apr 12
    • Zulily lovelife
      +1 to whatever 737max said. I feel many people (if Asian) think that girls lose their family when they get married. Your mom is definitely important to you. Is it possible for you to rent a small house near you for your mom and keep her nearby? That case, kids would be mostly with her and you would spend atleast half of your free time there.

      I am recommending this above option if in case there is any other reason stopping from divorce. It can even give you more time to think about divorce. When your mom lives close to you, I think you can think clearly if you need divorce or not(assuming your worries about mom stop there)
      Apr 13
  • SAP
    pjbg

    SAP

    BIO
    Bio on blind!
    pjbgmore
    OP
    Sign. Never want to be online talking to strangers about my divorce but I am depressed. Thanks for listening.

    I probably don’t love my husband enough! Sadly but truth that is totally my fault.
    Apr 121
    • Google
      tsukino

      Google

      BIO
      w
      tsukinomore
      Ignore the negative shaming from online anonymouses. Don't live an uncomfortable domestic life. Find the arrangement that works for you. Everyone else has a different situation.
      Apr 12
  • Cisco / QACyberDemon
    Follow your heart. Period.
    Apr 120
  • Facebook AyyoLeMayo
    Divorce is not great for the kids tbh
    Apr 131
    • Facebook lkj630
      Worked for me tbh.
      Apr 13
  • Facebook lkj630
    It doesn't sound like you feel very supported by him. It doesn't sound like he's treating you like a partner. Ignore the people trying to make this just your fault. I'm sure there are things you both do to make this problematic. Your spouse is important, but so is your family, especially if your mom is alone.
    If he doesn't add to your life, what's he there for?
    Apr 121
    • Cisco ciscosucks
      +1. If you ever had feelings for him, and think he's not bad other than this aspect, try counseling n give a timeline to see change. If not, move on.
      Apr 13
  • New
    nfs

    New

    PRE
    Booking.com
    nfsmore
    I hear two different things.
    1. You are trying to force your husband to live with someone who has clearly a bad relationship with, this also means a loss of privacy for him. That's a bad move on your part, not being consideret to his feelings on such a major topic. Imagine he decides one day to give all of your life savings and assets to his mother with asking you, how will that feel?
    2. You say things have gone down over the years, and you will you be happy to divorce. Is that even regardless of your mother moving-in? If so, you have your answer...
    Apr 133
    • Nutanix hmbsjc1
      Nah there’s also some f’d up cultural stuff going on. She gets all intimidated when DH makes an angry face when her Mom visits. If OP was my sis I’d have her talk with her husband instead of relying on non verbal signals.
      Sad.
      Apr 13
    • SAP
      pjbg

      SAP

      BIO
      Bio on blind!
      pjbgmore
      OP
      No I want that. Never ask him since that won’t work. He would ask why don’t we do the same with in-law. In-law has another living agreement that they are happy. I am not that close to in-law. According to him, that is my fault for not visiting them often. But my side is he never built the bridge. He rarely asked me too. If he asked, I’ll go. I just don’t want to fake, why suggest visiting someone when you don’t really care/love.
      Apr 13
    • SAP
      pjbg

      SAP

      BIO
      Bio on blind!
      pjbgmore
      OP
      That is true. Without my mom moves in, I don’t care.

      On the other side, we had agreement that mom will be with my brother’s family.

      It just comes to one weekend when I realize I work my ass up and can’t even invite ppl over. Does anyone want to come over if my husband is there, acting cold/mean etc ?
      Apr 13
  • Intuit Ann-wi
    If it’s only the issue of your mom and friends not able to come at your place, start making weekend plans with them to meet outside like eat at restaurants or weekend trips with ur mom. Stay someplace nice and enjoy w/o him. I am sure you will feel less stressed and spend quality time with your loved ones. Leave him out.
    But if there are other controlling issues, then go for it. Your happiness is important. It’s one life - live the way you want it. Why sacrifice and compromise? Kids will be fine.
    Apr 132
    • SAP
      pjbg

      SAP

      BIO
      Bio on blind!
      pjbgmore
      OP
      Sometimes it is hard cause he would complain if I spend $ outside. My mom makes good $ and pay most of the times. She doesn’t mind. I do. I make more than anyone in my side of family ( although not much in Silicon Valley) For out of town guests like mom. ESP in Asian culture, hosting is really my preference when we eat at home, longer meal and chatting.
      Apr 13
    • Facebook lkj630
      It's crazy that she should have to make plans up avoid her own home.
      Apr 13
  • Facebook chromeo
    I’ve seen this pattern with Asian families and this is a big difference between eastern and western.

    In Western families, there’s this notion that you become one big family. In laws may ask you to call them mom and dad. The sense of unity is more likely to exist.

    In Eastern families, there’s this distinction of the mom’s side and the dad’s side. Traditional Asian cultures don’t make the effort that Western cultures do around bringing the two sides together. My own parents are Asian immigrants but I also hear this from other Asians about how the wife doesn’t care or dislikes the husband’s side of the family.
    Apr 131
    • Facebook chromeo
      Obviously there can be differences with 2nd gen vs 1st gen and not all families are the same. But these are general trends I observe.
      Apr 13
  • This comment was deleted by original commenter.

    • SAP
      pjbg

      SAP

      BIO
      Bio on blind!
      pjbgmore
      OP
      Asian husband and wife
      Apr 12
  • Intuit Ann-wi
    Agreed! But respect goes both ways. If she is expected to respect his parents then he is expected to her parents too. Hypocrisy does not work. Now you know why Asian girls prefer non-Asian guys😜 Less drama!
    Apr 140
  • Facebook chromeo
    The bigger question is how comfortable you seem with divorce. Do you not care to be with your husband anymore?
    Apr 130
  • Uber kGThK15
    your happiness matters too. and the kids will know if your marriage is real or not. so you may want to think about whether you're setting the example you want your kids to value when they grow up? if your husband is agreeable, you can make the financials work, and you think you'll be happy, then why not start the process. before therapy can work, you both have to want to work on the marriage
    Apr 120
  • Booking.com 2ez4me
    Talk to a discernment couseler. Google what it is. I think it will help both of you come to a conclusion you improve the relationship.
    Apr 120
  • Microsoft
    Tier 1

    Microsoft

    BIO
    #1 in Prestige
    Tier 1more
    Talk to a therapist. They’ll help you realize what you want
    Apr 120
  • Oracle oracle123
    PM me
    Apr 120
  • Facebook chromeo
    Message me
    Apr 120

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