Edit: Deleting all my information because I feel weird about it now. But this is really useful stuff for others to read through so leaving the post.
TOP 120 Comments
- IBM / Eng bbw loverForget about dating. Fix FB first. It's been out for almost 1 hour for me. Need to send cat pics asap.
- Google lenajavaOne problem I noticed is that you seem too showy. Change BMW to Camry, dress normally, don't talk about yourself and what is nice apartment mean?
- By dress well, I didn’t mean overly stylish.
Car/apartment are not always in the picture. I don’t understand how downgrading to a Camry could possibly help me.
Nice apartment = nice apartment in a nice neighborhood with lots of amenities and stuff
I don’t think I show off in real life at all.Apr 14 2
- "average height" let me guess, less than 6'? aka short
"average/slightly below average face, look very nerdy" aka ugly
"I think I'm maybe too nice" aka beta
"They're also far too attractive" putting girls on a pedestal, even more beta
So you're a short, ugly, beta male of color and wondering why it's hard to find girls?
- Stop shunning yourself for being a POC and having an ugly face, it reeks of insecurity and girls hate that shit. Own it.
- Stop analyzing so much. "I've approached everything in life as a meritocracy, where I check off all the boxes and expect results." ?? Holy cringe.
- You sound boring as hell. Making a lot of money, being fit, driving a nice car, and being well traveled makes you exactly like every other guy in the Bay Area. You’ve said nothing that makes you sound remotely interesting. What are your actual hobbies?
- Well, what interests you? What are you truly passionate about?
Painting? Cooking? Rock climbing? Running? Hiking? Racing? Piano? Guitar? Writing? Dancing? Basketball? Theatre? Ballet? Sailing? Diving? Flying? Skiing? Snowboarding? Cycling? Martial Arts? Fostering (dogs/cats)? Gardening?
Any of the above? I’m sure there has to be at least one hobby you are passionate about.
- Omg, just thinking about all those things is painful hahaa
I’m a pretty simple guy. I go to work, I go to the gym. I grab food/drinks with friends. I practice my hobby1 and hobby2 on weekends from time to time. I have some milestones I want to get to for those hobbies.
I actually really enjoy being boring.
Why do I have to do all these white people things that I don’t even like. It’s exhausting being someone I’m not.Apr 15 5
- It’s pretty darn hard to be too nice. I highly doubt you’re too nice.
Be introspective on why you’re not getting chemistry during dates. It sounds like you’re largely not interested in the girls you’ve talked to. It’s very likely they can sense that. As contradictory as it sounds maybe you should be more selective yourself so when you start talking to a girl you’re more likely to click.
If anything lowering the number of girls you approach will increase your success rate which will help with your confidence a little.
- I have some personal principals, but I guess it’s true that when I’m nice, I expect people to be nice in return. That doesn’t mean I do or expect any favors from them. I also like helping people who need it because it makes me feel good, but I don’t expect much lol. I don’t really need to be helped
- Stop thinking of women as your equal. Start thinking of them as mostly worthless, incompetent, irrational animals instead, and treat them as such. Dating works much better when you have that frame of mind.
Also, move out of the Bay Area if you can. You are several times more interesting and successful than most of the worthless women with princess syndrome that you would find there.
Source - I'm an ugly POC with 350k+ TC who had same problems initially, and is living the life now.
- Lyft LYTG45I love your articulate style. Yes, you seem to check all the boxes.
I feel less bad about myself knowing that a person like you is struggling, :)
- Booking.com b.trippingThis is where you’re going wrong.
> As I analyze what I did wrong, I’ve approached everything in my life as a meritocracy, where I check off all the boxes and expect results.
You dont allow things to happen naturally. Stop chasing and allow it develop naturally.
Also, im gonna be honest u sound a bit shallow. Its almost like you’re trying to cover up a shitty personality with belongings. Are you sure you’re not doing that?
- Amazon / R&D ps.ilymoreI think you lack confidence, you’re overthinking many of these things and trying to treat dating as a mathematical equation. I also think dating in SF is pretty hard, you would probably fare better in a dating pool in a more diverse city. Additionally, Tinder doesn’t work if you’re average/below, it’s mostly used for people who want a one night stand with a 7/10
- I used CMB and had a lot of really high quality dates. Smart, clever, and high achieving. One turned out to be the best/longest date I've ever been on and now we've been dating for 2 years.
Funny thing about me is that I'm 5'4 short. I ain't rich like you SW guys (I'm in HW/chem). But, I have a PhD and good at public speaking. I got that "buff stocky Asian guy" look. I'm not "nerdy" in the typical sense. I guess I'd say it's "smart casual". Don't even have a nice car and live in a tiny ass room.
You just gotta change your mindset. If you really think you're a catch, then so be it. Be your best self is what I say. Get some nice pics, stage some with a tripod if you have to - or get a buddy good with IG type pics to take candid photos of you.
Also, listen to the "best of" from the podcasts Art of Charm and Jordan Harbinger show. It will teach you a lot about charisma, social dynamics, grooming, and being a high value person. Seems like that's all the stuff you're getting dinged on.
- Try to study up on the podcasts I added to this post, they have amazing "fundamentals/toolbox" episodes. My gf said I looked fugly back on the day and wouldve never gone for me. During grad school I went through that same transformation and changed my outlook on everything, focusing on being my best self. One thing that really helped me be a better and more genuine speaker was teaching undergrads and little kids. You can probably do this though science volunteerism or something else you're interested in.
Thing is, it takes work, like some really deep introspection on why you're so shitty now. If you study up you can really turn into a butterfly lol. It's worth it though, worked for me.
Art of charm/Jordan Harbinger show
- Lyft qCbJ38Stop approaching dating as an algorithm.
Just lower your shoulders, stop worrying and just have fun. Get a wacky haircut, get a pair of new glasses, some new clothes, go do things you wanted to do as a kid, do something unexpected, go travel, anything. Start doing stuff.
I’ve always been a misfit. Never had problems with girls as I think everyone rather have someone a bit weird and fun, than being married to someone who «checks all the boxes».
- New trenbolone29 year old still doesn’t know how to get a gf. Shame on you. Also don’t listen to most of the guys above me saying you should treat women like trash, they are a bunch of ugly ass incels who spend their scrolling time on MGTOW. Move to NYC or anywhere else. For now try finding the right social groups and more date activities in SF.
- Nah in this guy’s defense there’s some dude saying treat women like they’re worthless incompetent animals a couple of posts above this one. There’s a very normal, happy medium between being someone who worships women and by doing so, lets them walk all over them vs. treating women like trash.
Treat people like they’re people and everything is fine.
- I’m a girl but also struggled on tinder as I don’t drink, am not looking for a hookup, and am in a city with more girls than guys. Have you tried bumble? The one thing that helped me find my current boyfriend is that they let you filter by what people want (relationship, hookup, etc). Also, how do you usually approach girls? The way some guys do it comes off as creepy (even though I know they have no bad intentions). You really sound like you need more confidence. I know these apps are hard for guys (especially guys of color) but there is someone for you out there. Don’t give up.
- Yelp welpppmorejust try to meet friends friends by asking everyone to hang out and get to know the ones you like. Be like “let’s have a hotpot party” or “board game night ?” Its a number game, meet more people prob help your case
- I honestly don't have time to read all the comments. So, please have that in mind if you see me repeat something that's already been discussed.
1) You definitely seem to have confidence issues and insecurities. We all do.
Your top insecurity seems to be your ethnicity. That's effed up.
Also considering the few things you said about how difficult it is for men of your ethnicity to date in the bay seems like you are trying really hard to date outside of your ethnicity / nationality. That's fine, if you're not attracted to women of your race, but this also ties back to you not being proud of your racial identity.
You got to work on that.
Coz even if you met someone from a different race that's in to you, or have things in common with you this insecurity is going to drive them away.
2) It also seems like you are most likely from a culture where you weren't allowed to or taught to interact with the opposite sex in an organic way. So, you got to now catch up a little on that. Having genuine friends of the opposite sex helps to fix this. This will also help you make genuine connection with the opposite sex.
3) Bay area does suck compared to most metros in the country. But SF is a completely different story. You may not find real love in SF, but you will get a hell lot more dates than you'd in the suburbs.
4) Have your friends review your dating profile(s). Tinder is for eye candy and the fast food of dating. Try Okc or even bumble for that matter. I know friends who had zero luck with tinder make genuine connections on the two apps I
5) Once you have done some of these, spend some money on getting a couple of good pics taken of you "in your element".
Your whole profile doesn't have to be all professionally taken photos, but at least the first two gotta be top quality (not just resolution)
6) There is more than one article about what's wrong with being the "nice guy". I'm not talking about some douchy player articles reeking of toxic masculinity. Talking about the ones that helps one understand between being the "nice guy" & "the good guy". Search for those and read them.
I'm sure others have covered the rest.
- Solid points! Especially point 2. Spot on! I didn’t interact with girls until I was 21.
Point1) not really insecure about my ethnicity, but it’s pretty objectively less attractive to other ethnicities, so it factors in as a negative. I’m actually quite proud of who I am. Also I’m not south asian or east asian or white or latino, so my ethnicities own dating pool is extremely tiny (almost non existent) in the bay area. I would love to date a girl from my country.
I figure something like 90% indian, 90% east asian, 50% white and other girls will automatically filter for my race( there are studies that show this. It’s also true in my personal experience). I was just pointing out that this is likely something that factors into my lack of success. Most people I interact with are amazing and I always give them the benefit of the doubt. No one is obligated to like dating my ethnicity
- Microsoft juschekinThis comment has a lot of valuable advice. As you bluntly put it, op, most ethnicities do filter out the persons of color when looking for dates; heck, most people in the us won’t even make an effort to get to know someone of (certain ethnicities). I’ve lived very nearly your life except for the money part in my twenties.
Which is still not to say you have no chance; just that you have to get past the first, default filter and get people to spend enough time with you to get to know you. Or at least meet and spend enough time with people to find the ones willing to look past superficialities. (And btw heck yeah Europeans are Far less hung up on superficialities than Americans no offense). In any case this is as you rightly understand not within your control so don’t waste your mental energy on it.
Let me share what helped me, take from it what you will: setting aside the dating goal and working hard on being more social, sociable, and genuinely interested in people for people’s own sake. Increasing my social circle significantly, and trying out a large number of experiences (again for their own sake, not as a means to an end). Pushing my comfort boundaries really hard (started as a shy introvert). Avoiding thinking about every person as a potential date. Making close friends of both genders, especially women. All of these made me a lot more well adjusted and happy, and helped overcome many of the internal inadequacies the commenter is referring to.
- No, just a few shots here and there. People usually find a friend for this, but building a personal portfolio of professional photos is not uncommon. It is done by several people employed in media and business, just not something that us SW guys are used to.
Edit: Also, have you been to a high-end salon? You might not be gifted in looks, but there always ways to use whatever you have to your advantage. Trick is to let the professionals decide it for you.
- Houzz 珍珠奶茶I feel so bad for you op especially when you describe the only 4 dates you’ve got...omg. Maybe you can ask some of your female friends for suggestions. Girls tend to understand girls.
- I think you might need to get out and mingle more. Volunteer, walk someone's dog, take a dance class, etc. Stop focussing on why this and why that, and start forming bonds with people. Tell us how it goes after that.
- I might try this but... Isn’t it a little disingenuous to volunteer for something you don’t care about to meet someone? I’ve tried taking cooking classes and art class. Was not a great experience because I didn’t really care about cooking or art hahaa.
I might try the volunteering thing with something I care about
- I didn't imply mingling with people as a means of getting laid. It helps build confidence and improves your overall interaction quality. And you wouldn't believe the kind of emotional satisfaction it brings. Ultimately, if you get better at being a people person, you will appear approachable and likeable. That's just common-sense to me.
But don't go just to get laid through this. If anything this might backfire, and your neighbours will think that you're a creep :-P
- Yes this. Thanks for finally a sane answer.
It sounds counterintuitive but don’t make the sole purpose and focus of your life finding girls. Remove Tinder. In fact you may be better off removing all online dating apps.
Reduce your online presence and increase your physical presence.
Volunteer and pick up things that you care about. Be naturally curious about things you don’t know much about. Focus on your own well-being first — physical, psychological, spiritual, everything.
Women are attracted to men like this. Very much.
And please don’t ever, EVER say something like “those women were way too attractive” that is horseshit, American women care a LOT less about skin color and even face than we think about. You see attractive women with physically average-looking men *all* the time. It’s more about confidence, personality, genuineness, and yes being fit and financially stable helps.
Main thing though — focus on your own self first. The rest will follow.
- I wouldn't go that far. If OP isn't getting matches at all, I'm willing to bet that there is something up with his dating profile.
Also OP, don't think of talking to people as a chore. You anyway don't have to interact with every Tom Dick and Harry that you see. Just put yourself in situations where there is naturally lots of interaction required and just continue to be helpful as much as possible. Do it long enough, and you will forget that you're doing a "people-person" activity altogether.
- Idk man @Amazon, I have Asian friends that are literally, literally male models on Tinder and they get practically nothing except flakes and things that don’t work out and have 0 chemistry.
On the other hand I know lots of attractive single women in the Bay Area that are just over “online dating” and dating apps. Or even if you do find them on a dating app, there’s almost no chance you’ll distinguish yourself as a viable candidate compared to the hundreds of guys interested in them.
Apps also give you a false sense of hope, I think. Carrot and stick.
Women need to interact with you in real life to see that you can hold a conversation, aren’t thirsty for a one-night stand, treat them like a human being, and are just a stable and interesting person.
- Cruise Automation ._.Something is wrong with your tinder profile. Figure out what that thing is, fix it, and then delete and remake your profile to reset your tinder MMR. You make enough that you could probably find a service to fix it for you and get general dating advice to fix your situation.
- EMC yskV77I would stop worrying about trying to meet girls, just focus on improving yourself and becoming a better person. Everything else will fall into place naturally. For me I met my girlfriend at an old job where I worked as a host( at a cafe) this was before I got a job as a software engineer. I helped on her first day and she gave me her number 🙂 been very happy together since.
I spent the year prior single, and took up weight lifting and other things to improve myself. Giving up smoking weed, general responsibleness, trying to do the right thing etc.
One way to think of it is like applying to jobs, you need to be a good candidate before you get a good job
- They matter in the beginning aka online dating profile, if one wants to go that route.
You'd be amazed by the number of useful tips a seasoned portrait photographer would give you in one session regarding posture and carrying yourself that you can take away besides getting some good pics
- Uber TTrv58Find a community around a hobby you truly love and make an honest effort to make friends there. The fact you don’t form deeper connections is what you can improve and matters as much as money or looks. Once you have deeper connections with people, you will make friends with your friends’ friends and eventually you will meet a girl that way
- New gJyp57Forget all that objective facts thing and the "I think I'm likable... I think I dress well... I think I'm nice..." stuff, and start putting attention on the other person: "how can I make this person feel good...? how can I make this person feel comfortable around me...? how can I make a deeper connection with this person...?" People don't like you because of the stuff you have or how nice you look and dress, but because of how you make them feel, and that doesn't mean being their buttler. It seems that you don't think you're enough. It wouldn't hurt watching some Marisa Peer videos on youtube, and while you're at it, reading some personal growth stuff like "How to win friends and influence people". I know it's not high intellectual reading, but it helps some times.
- Microsoft / Eng BlisseymoreMaybe you seem unapproachable? How about trying a different approach and mention things you are not great at but working towards improving? For example on your profile, “My current hobbies include learning how to cook, I’m terrible at it but I’ve been trying out a few recipes I found online...”
- OceanX OffermoreHave you tried being a complete asshole? Sometimes girls fall for them, lol...
- Spend some time thinking about where you can maximize your odds of meeting someone you would like in an environment where you have less competition and where their guard is going to not be up as high. Think also about which of those environments are where you personally are going to be the most comfortable and confident. Dating sites have a lot of competition and someone who is seeing a lot of options off of it is more likely to be in a mindset of “do I see a reason to reject someone” before they even look at your profile, which hurts your odds if you have more surface-level reasons that someone might reject you for.