Before you troll this post, stop right there, take a minute and think how important it is for one to have a suitable partner. We worry so much about our careers, make it our identity and lose ourselves to it. I'm one of those.
I was brought up in a traditional middle class household in South India. So I never allowed myself any of the fun that I think my parents won't approve of. Never dated anyone, had very poor social life. Early life social conditioning has influenced me so much that I struggle to socialize although my world view has changed a lot as I grew up.
Now I'm 26 (turning 27 this December), graduated, have a well paying job but I feel too old to casually date, get to know people, try going it with different people to find the suitable one. My parents are now open minded, they started looking for a suitable guy on matrimonial sites and wish that I had a boyfriend. Sigh.
Any tips of meeting/dating Indian men in Boston area? I tried a few dating apps, did not like the experience. Been talking to guys from matrimonial site but don't like them either.
Thanks in advance.
- Facebook S4MEERGood luck. At that age your market has greatly diminished. You should expect to settle and not waste even more time searching for a unicorn
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- @citrix, I don't watch sports. I love pancakes. But I get your point. It's really not that difficult to find a connection with someone from a different nationality. A colleague of mine is 34 and American. He studied bachelors in chemical engineering and worked as a bartender when he started his career. He's 100% opposite to the kind of guy I want for myself is what I thought when I met him. But he's so nice, fun, mature, understanding. Living with someone like that will be effortless. I really like his perspectives towards life and how easy going he is. He treats me like a kiddo and give him a chocolate when he helps me with work. I'm not interested in this specific guy. He's married and no longer works with our company. But giving it as an example. Cultural backgrounds aren't as important as they seem.
- Bloomberg / Eng F.U. moneyLol @ too old
I have two questions. Please don’t be offended, but since it does matter to most:
1) where would you rank yourself on the attractiveness scale of 1 to 10
2) where would others rank you on the attractiveness scale of 1 - 10
- Seeing guys comment like this is actually comforting. I was worried that I might be living in my own shell and open mindedness is too much to ask for. Comments by Uber and indeed make me believe that there are right guys out there and I just need to be patientAug 27 3
- Before finding a husband, try finding yourself.
Do you really know what you want in a partner? Like do you have a good list of must haves. I am Indian and had a similar upbringing. We are trained to get good grades but never really get a chance to understand our preferences in a partner.
So instead of jumping on the band wagon, I would suggest take a good amount of time to know yourself. Before dating my fiancee, I never knew a lot of aspects about my own personality. I wish I had known, life would have been much better.
Once you have your preferences ready, try targeting those groups. For instance, if you are into men who are into fitness, join a club with fitness classes. If men who are spiritual rush up your heart beat, then try visiting the ISKCON Boston temple on Sundays where many Indian guys show up. A little artsy, join a theatre company.
You can find these guys on a matrimonial website too but people usually don’t date a long time on the website and I sincerely think you should date someone for at least one or two years.
Hope this helps and all the best.
- I was in the same boat, believe me.
It’s not easy tbh. You know it’s possible that your parents don’t feel comfortable with him as time flies. Are you prepared for that mentally? I wasn’t and it really hurts now. At first my parents really liked her but then something happened(not her fault) and things fell apart. Today, they are simply agreeing to getting me married because of me. And here I was, trying to find someone whom they will love.
So you’re treading on a slippery slope here. Be careful and take your time. One advice I’ll give is, be very honest with your partner about your expectations from the very beginning.
It might take time to find the right person, but it’s worth it. Hope this helps.
- Having sex 😉.
Well, honestly that’s a tough one. You can easily determine if you two are sexually attracted to each other. But beyond that, the amount of sex you need, type of sex etc can only be determined over time. You need to communicate these things. And also try it(preferable) I know in some cultures sex before marriage is considered taboo but that’s the only way IMHO to figure things out.
SC is important. If needs aren’t met, it could lead to frustration or even cheating. Why do you think a few men cheat when their spouses is pregnant. Not that it’s fair but just pointing things out.
- Most Indian girls who were extremely out of league for lot of guys to date a few years ago are struggling to find a guy now
- Atlassian / Other HotSoupIsn’t this whole thing a bit...I mean...saying “I’ll only date [fill in race]”...or even “My parents will only let me date [fill in race]”...is that OK?? Genuine question.
It also seems a bit of a shame in a way, limiting one’s self like that. Like, for instance, what if OP’s soulmate is Chinese?
- @OP are you parents fine with any caste within Indian race? Will they be okay with a North Indian? Does this person have to be same religion as you? Your answers to these questions will clearly tell us if your parents follow some sort of racism (includes caste and religion).
- Hmmmm. Good point. First of all, no matter how they think, it's difficult for me to make them unlearn and learn at this age. But I agree that it's my responsibility to make them see things clearly if their thinking process is skewed. They would prefer someone who could speak Telugu not because of regionalism but because my mom can't speak Hindi/English. Having said that, it shouldn't be difficult for me to convince them if I like a guy who isn't Telugu (and by making the guy learn a bit of Telugu while I learn his mother tongue). Marrying outside the caste and religion should be easy to convince.
- There is a difference between being racist and being practical. Marriage brings together, not just 2 people, but 2 families and it is imperative in the long run for the families to be more or less compatible. So given a choice, parents would obviously prefer someone who understands their culture, their traditions. It will bring more empathy amidst the 2 families and help with a healthy marriage.
That said, arranged marriage is fast becoming a flawed system. My suggestion is to avoid it if you can. Age is definitely not an impediment. I met my wife when she was 26 and we have been happily married for 3 years now! So, good luck and hope things work out for you!
- From my experience, there is a huge mismatch in the perspectives of parents and their kids. A parent's view of their daughter/son is very different from the actual daughter/son! You are given maybe a couple of months to meet your partner for 4 or 5 times in which they showcase only their best qualities. You can only best guess what you are truly getting into which is risky! You would hear of many arranged marriages living short these days for that very reason. (I do not mean to say knowing your partner very well guarantees success in marriage life, but it definitely minimizes risk)
And no, I felt meeting her at that age was perfect.
- OP frankly speaking (most) Indian girls have too much attitude and lot of ego. Especially the ones who come to US and start making a lot of money. It's hard to see this trait in those who already have a bf but the ones looking for a partner on a matrimonial website or dating apps are too proud of themselves. They mostly care about their own personal life, their parents, siblings, relatives and also want their partners to continue this leaving behind the partner's life and family. This is not true for every girl but as I said most of them are like this.
- OP this is from a sample of guys I'm aware of who have faced similar issues. There do exist nice girls but this niceness diminishes among the Indian girls who come to US for the reasons I quoted above. I know there is much more independence and freedom over here compared to India but that shouldn't be taken for granted. If not this then the parents are brainwashing in the background.
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- jQpf16 - speak for yourself. I never said a woman should leave her family, friends and lifestyle. I support woman to be independent and earning well. But some women take this as a reason to be treated in a special way and ask men to leave behind their life.
You're a classic case of jumping into the ship just for the sake of argument without fully understanding the context.Aug 30 1
- New / Consultant jennataliamoreI think your first problem is trying to force it.
Instead, look for organic opportunities to meet people and allow a connection to form.
- @Sineteeta, I met my bf off Discord and currently run a social Facebook group for Asians (in the Bay Area, though) - where actually a handful of relationships have formed within the last year. I recommend meeting people online. Find some social group that will expose you to lots of people and you may find someone you are interested in.Aug 31 1
- @Sinetieeta , did you think about my filter coffee date? What is this, you are looking for your community boys whom you would be interested to marry. I am right here. But you are replying to everyone except me. People always look far ...
- @Sineteeta, no reason why you can't just be friends with guys who you think you might be compatible with down the line if they're taken now. Worst case, you get a friend. Best case, maybe a future bf. Obviously be respectful of their relationship but why not start a friendship?Aug 31 2
- Google MrBenDoverYou can start by asking your friends to hook you up with their friends. Or your parents could ask their friends (if that’s how arrange marriage works)
Don’t waste your time on Tinder. No one goes there to find a soulmate. CMB is a better option.
- Get involved in things that interest you. You will find people with similar interests there and maybe someone you like.
- Amazon jQpf16I am a south Indian, married to a non- Indian, they beat Indian men hands down. My family adores my husband and he in turn treats them with a lot of love and respect. He is a wonderful partner to me and son in law to my parents. He paid for our wedding entirely and is just a delight to be around. My parents agree that no Indian son in law can match him. Cut to my cousins who married Indian men, so much drama from the in laws, the expectancy to be treated specially by the wife's family. the everyday sexism with women generally beinf responsible for the household. also they age badly, go bald and pot bellied. There are exceptions but I havent found any. This is not a case against Indian men, but rather a case for you to consider marrying someone outside your race who treats you with love and respect. Parents will come around when they see you happy. Follow your heart, dont throw away your life. 27 is oh so young, explore a lot, date - use friends, dating apps. Develop hobbies, learn languages, learn something new. Be an open and interesting person. Dont become a lame and desperate to marry girl, your desperation will draw in some serious losers. good luck
- I'm a South Indian myself, entered dating scene pretty late at 23, had 2 break ups over 4 years period then found love of my life, I've been with her for 2 years now, thinking of getting married soon, every girl I've ever dated was introduced by a mutual friend, I think that's the best way of finding someone.
- @Sineteeta, hello Honey, how are you? Shall we meet? I too from South India. Shall we go for a nice filter coffee ☕️?
- You are 26. Arranged marriage is not fun these days. If your parents find someone - You will obviously end up marrying someone close to 32 or above. Getting each other will take few years by that time all fun will be over. Better see if you can find someone through common friends or work place and get to know each other before marriage. Good luck with your search.
- It doesn't make sense to look for a partner in a dating site because you will never get a good south Indian.. Let your parents find some one then you filter among them.. Look for people who are close to your ideology, who understands you and your family better.
Your 26 now.. If you want to fall in love and choose your partner then it will take atleast 2 or 3 years.. So you will be very old by that time, given you are not being friendly.. it will never work out and you might not find good soul mate
Don't worry about marriage.. Things will fall in place at right time, that's the beauty of south Indian marriages..
- Exactly! I talked to about 15-20 guys from matrimonial site after my parents advanced filtering based on their careers, family backgrounds, good looks etc. But I did not find them suitable. I'm starting to wonder where all those amazing wise men are. Most of the guys I talked to, are super dumb it quite narrow minded. Like, way below the bar. It's surprising to me because most of my guy friends are wise, intelligent and understanding. Where are all these nice men marrying from 🤔
- Finding life partner is not easy for you or for your parents. It takes it's own course of time.. You might meet shitty people but that's okay don't lose hope. Have low bar on some things (like personality, hair, etc) and don't think your life partner should be perfect as there is no one perfect in this world..
If you try dating app or try to find on your own, other people will take advantage and all they want is romance and sex.. It's very difficult to find a good friend who can be your life partner in less than 2 years..Aug 30 1
- 1. Personality is disposition. You are confusing it with appearance. It's not on the top of my priorities.
2. Not all people on dating apps are on it for romance and sex. Like I'm there looking for a real relationship, I'm sure there are many others.
However, I agree that it takes a lot of tolerance and persistence to go through all the profiles on these apps, talk to people, filter them out. It's so much more difficult when those filtered people are in a different city.
Inspite of having no success from dating apps, I encourage people to get on dating apps considering how our real life networks are very limited otherwise. It's always a good idea to expand the network irrespective of the route.
- The problem is that everyone is on dating websites apps etc. if you see someone attractive just go and ask them out for a coffee. You’ll be surprised how many guys would be absolutely elated when someone asks them out. It’s like interview process. Got to get used to discomfort and rejections before you find something worth pursuing.
- Don’t talk to people with the expectation of getting married. Try to date casually and explore what you like/dislike in the significant other. I am an Indian and have a similar background as yours; trust me, you’ll discover a lot of things that are hard requirements or hard pass. Also meet people in the real world, not apps. It will also build your social skills. I was terrible at talking to people before. Just talking casually to a lot of people without expectations helped me a lot.