How do I optimize 'arranged marriage' search?

Santander Bank banktechie
Oct 10 228 Comments

I have been in the arranged marriage circus since almost 3 years now. Most difficult phase in my life so far.

For those of you who have been through it and are happy in your marriage - any tips on how you avoided wasting your time/being tricked?
Were your parents involved along the process to get the 'superficial' things out of the way? (caste, horoscope, family's status , background check... blah blah)
Did you discuss deal breakers early on ?

I am trying to not waste my time going around in circles. Part of me wants to be very straight forward and clarify all deal breakers in the initial conversation. But that would throw off most guys.

Got serious with 3 guys so far:
1. Guy one turned out to be someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder ... did not disclose initially about his recent break up, told me once i was emotionally invested, was extremely controlling, lacked trust, was forcing me to move to his city etc.
2. guy 2 lied to me about wanting nuclear family. after I was emotionally invested, said he expects me to live with his parents. I would have been willing to try , but then he says I must stay with them even if people arent getting along. besides, was overly ambitious and workoholic and couldn't give enough time.
3. guy 3 ... again someone who had just broken up. We started to like each other. It was long distance. When we finally met, circumstances were not great on that weekend. He fell sick. Weekend got ruined. He gave up and also said he needs time and is not ready.

phew!

PS : I have no problems with 'arranged marriage'. My parents let me chose the guy. They are just helping me find someone I might like through matrimonial sites and their circle of people. i dont really consider it to be arranged marriage as ultimately me and the guy take decision.

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TOP 228 Comments
  • Amazon / Eng SmkWdEvyDy
    Is there a reason you're only going through arranged marriage sites and not general dating as well?
    Oct 10 39
    • Google / Eng hooli.xyz
      “Interracial marriages are barely tolerated here.”

      Lol, do you live in the deep south?

      In U.S. metro areas, interracial couples are celebrated now. It’s hip and cool. Bonus points if the interracial couple is same sex. Extra bonus points one of them identifies as non-binary (uses “they” pronoun).

      Can’t say the same for India. Most people there probably don’t even know what a pronoun is.
      Oct 11
    • Microsoft techladki
      So in your world you see Americans complaining about parents forcing them over the race of their dates? And the point was which country has more honor killings , not how often.

      You are a shameless person being willfully dishonest.
      Oct 11
    • Microsoft techladki
      Inter racial Marriages are tolerated in Alabama way better than in Bangalore
      When was the last time you heard of a honor killing in us?
      You are a lying piece of shit
      Oct 11
    • Santander Bank banktechie
      OP
      🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ post hijacked
      Oct 12
    • OceanX / Eng O(1*1)
      @op
      How old are you BTW? To be paranoid about not settling for someone soon...
      Oct 17
  • LinkedIn haterlands
    Don't partake in an archaic practice. Rise above.
    Oct 10 19
    • Amazon / Eng takeiteazy
      Haha, I remember one. The guy said that their parents marriage was shitty all their lives and now they want to marry some desi girl, lol. I’m like, nope, don’t listen to them. You’ve said yourself that their marriage didn’t work out, why would you trust their advice.
      Oct 11
    • Datometry / Eng LangEr
      I think most of the marriage regret posts are about lack of compatibility. There might be high correlation between such posts on blind and them being about arranged marriages. But remember, Blind doesn’t represent the general population. It very hard to draw general conclusions from here.
      Oct 11
    • Microsoft techladki
      @hooli.xyz
      I agree that Indian culture is very primitive and medieval.
      That said, for those who's parents are setting up blind dates, it is much better than tinder or other dating sites in that people are a lot more serious about getting married. And briefly getting to the family didn't hurt.

      The regret posts you see are almost exclusively from people who married without dating for a while. It is surprising people cl don't realize their their culture is shitty even after coming to the US
      Oct 11
    • Datometry / Eng LangEr
      Can I get triggered now? Please. It’s only fair that I get my share.

      I can understand your perception of the culture being primitive. A big part of Indian culture is primitive and I don’t see anything wrong with it. The parts that have survived till now did so for a reason. It is continuously changing and evolving. I see that as very healthy. Primitive is not bad. The human body is primitive. Nature is primitive. Everything has been around for so long.

      Now, about shitty. I don’t know in what environment you grew up or who were your role models when growing up. But I think I speak for most of us when I say, we are doing fine.

      Thank you for doing the needful :P
      Oct 11
    • Microsoft techladki
      Primitive -> medieval. The culture of what Western culture was a hundred yesterday ago. A decade ago it was like Western culture 150 years ago.
      Shitty _> there is very little emphasis on individual freedom (compared to US), and lot of social pressure based on race, caste, status etc. Not talking of individual experience but average differences between US and India. Any reasonable person would consider such a shallow culture as shitty unless you're brainwashed by patriotism
      Oct 11
  • Roku cruella
    Read “algorithms to live by”

    Optimize not just the marriage but also your life. Don't settle for less than O(1)
    Oct 10 4
    • Yelp JMP2
      Have you read it? Or just trolling? ;)
      Oct 10
    • Datometry / Eng LangEr
      I don’t think it’s a troll. They discuss the secretary problem in detail in this book. This is exactly what the OP is going through.
      Oct 10
    • Santander Bank banktechie
      OP
      Stoked my curiosity. I'll check this out
      Oct 10
    • Roku cruella
      Strongly recommend. We know most things the book talks about. But just laying to out like the way it does is helpful.

      @ebay. Why would I recommend something I haven’t read.

      Also OP u forgot TC! 😡
      Oct 10
  • Amazon undertaker
    I am in similar boat for last 1.5 years. Met few girls, but it didn't worked out for few reasons such as:
    - she doesn't want to move to my city as her current location was near her hometown (we both are in IT and she was in city which is not IT hub but mine, so it makes sense to move to my location for our careers).
    - another one told me she want to move out of India and I don't. Hence we mutually agreed to call it off.
    - this one was very clear what she wanted to do in her life and i liked her very much but there were serious mismatch around our religious beliefs.
    - this one was good and we were able to connect with each other in some sense but parents didn't approve due to her family background.

    By this time, i gave up and decided whoever girl my parents will shortlist i will say yes to her.

    - then i meet this girl and we talked to each other quit some time and suddenly one day she says that she doesn't feel connected to me. I was surprised as it was going fine in my mind.

    Currently not seeing anyone. Taking a break from it but my parents are seriously getting worried as acc to them i will soon be out of "marriagable age".

    @Op: give me some pointers what indian girls look for in a guy in such setup, so i don't make any mistake in my future dates.
    Oct 11 30
    • Microsoft GTFO++;
      Duh totally forgot about STDs. At least no one is expecting virgins anymore. That's progress!

      True story: one arranged marriage girl asked me that. I told her I wasn't and wasn't expecting partner to be one and that honestly it didn't matter, It's overrated. She was amused more than shocked.

      She insisted on meeting when I visited India. She said her parents will likely want to get her married elsewhere but I was the only one who hadn't made a fuss about virginity and said "pls take mine". she wanted to do it out of spite. 🙄

      We made out n stuff but I had to use extreme restraint to not go all the way. Talk about pressures when performing. 😁. Oh boy, was she (and I) young n dumb!

      I told my sis about the whole ordeal. She was scandalized but we both chuckled at the seemingly sanskari girls parents believed them to be.

      And then there was another time when another used me as a modern day tinder date. She said , let's check our compatibility. I had the biggest rockstar smile while driving back through the 2 hours of city traffic that day.
      Oct 12
    • Microsoft GTFO++;
      And I digressed. Sorry bankergirl, didn't mean to hijack the thread with my sexcapades. For the genX you, these must be creepy like.
      Oct 12
    • Tableau +s@ftware+
      @gtfo Lol, at my home it's the other way around, I get up first and do everything. Oh the nap fights, I guess it's all too common 😂 And l'll also stop hijacking this thread with our marital problems 🤣
      Oct 12
    • Microsoft GTFO++;
      Mebbe bankergirl will realize she's better off not marrying. 😉
      Oct 12
    • Tableau +s@ftware+
      Now now, let her also have that share of happiness 😂 Jokes aside, maybe she'll be lucky enough to have good marriage, who knows.
      Oct 12
  • IBM / Data bbWI22
    Why do you only want an Indian guy?
    Oct 10 23
    • Microsoft techladki
      Because we both know the Asians that are responsible for the marriage statistic is but Indian.
      Oct 11
    • Amazon mmmehhhh
      So? America has higher white on black crime than India, higher per capita rape too , going by “statistics”. Arguing that America is less obsessed with race while Trump is president is the single most moronic thing I read after quoting hooli of all people yo make your dumb point. My 11% came from a Princeton study.
      Oct 11
    • IBM / Data bbWI22
      My parents were an inter caste marriage, and they got married back in 1992. So do not assume that all Indians are part of the racist or casteist culture
      Oct 11
    • Amazon mmmehhhh
      How do you know? There is no breakdown of that. A lot of Indian Americans marry interracially.
      Oct 11
    • Microsoft techladki
      @IBM
      No one said ALL Indians do.
      But Amazon just admitted by his own statistics that Indians are more obsessed with race/caste than Americans.
      And also that honor killings in India are way higher than US, and there is no explanation as to why it is almost exclusively Indians whining about parental pressure in marriage.
      Any reasonable person would come to the conclusion that Indian culture is more medieval and superficial.

      Have a good night dreaming of your imaginary world where Americans are as superficial as Indians and have honor killings, and parents forcing their kids to marry in a particular race.
      Oct 11
  • LinkedIn Uranus⛢
    Doesn’t sound like arranged marriage to me. You are just finding dates through parents who help you filter out some of the bad ones.
    Oct 10 4
    • Datometry / Eng LangEr
      This is what most arranged marriages in India work like at present.
      Oct 10
    • Microsoft techladki
      The marriage regret posts on Blind suggest that Indian culture is still medieval
      Oct 11
    • Datometry / Eng LangEr
      ^ What is this mythical hyper-advanced and progressive culture that you keep referring to? Where can I find it ?
      Oct 11
    • Facebook maple dip
      Maybe after 3 years of not working out you should try a different filter? There's not much time to find a husband before it's too late
      Oct 12
  • Cisco chuckR
    Here's what I did -
    - parents screen and pass on my email id
    - emails/chats. While I do some online background check for obvious red flags. Never ever add to your social media accounts.
    - give him my phone number. Talk on the phone once or twice. Screen if there's no wave length match.
    - in person coffee meet up. To see if we can comfortably hit it off without being too awkward. Coffee in the evenings or weekend 3-ish. Nothing too long. Just chemistry check.
    - Proper dinner dates. Long conversations.

    Intially as I was still figuring out what I wanted, I took a really long time between these stages. Once I got to know my turn offs or must have qualities. I was much faster.

    Also, It was intially awkward to say no / sry. so I just ghosted (wish I had been more mature). Then it got easier and I got better at it (go with - it's not u, it's me, us).
    Most importantly, resist parents forcing you to reconsider your NO decision.
    It does look a lot similar to tech interviews, but it works! 😄

    Hope this helps.
    Oct 10 8
    • Microsoft techladki
      Hope long did you date before you got married?
      Also, just curious, wereb you but tempted to do the initial screening yourself?
      Oct 11
    • Cisco chuckR
      Lol. It was not all bad. More organic once the parents are out of picture. Sometimes my mom got too friendly with the guys mom, and will be pestering me long after 🙄 she used to joke I am starting an association here. But, hey, they are open minded and had very broad criterias so I had to be the bad guy.

      TBH, when I started this, I dragged my feet. I wouldn't listen. I never thought I will find my match this way (parents setting up 🤦🏻‍♀️). But I realized I am not the type to hangout in bars, or hit up/respond to guys or dating app hook ups. Though lot of guys from friends/known circle were interested in me, I was too much of a chicken to take the jump and be open to see where things go. blame it on my upbringing!
      It took about 2 years initially (I saw maybe 4 ppl at that time with long breaks in between). Then, over 6-8 months, I was super quick in meeting/making the decisions (at this time, I was over my small mindedness/stigma/sense of shame? Whatever it was) When I met my husband, we dated for about 3-4 months before he popped the question (he did ask my parents before 😃). He said he knew it on our third date, and was just waiting for me to be more comfortable and give some indication. A year later, we were married.

      Intial screening - my parents literally didnot care about too much astrology matching/ caste subset/age in broad category etc. Sometimes, they did pass on the profile# for me to take a look - but mostly they did the initial screen.
      Oct 11
    • Santander Bank banktechie
      OP
      @ChuckR.... Thanks for typing the long post...I m walking in your shoes right now. Now I move on faster though and identify red flags sooner and just stay a bit emotionally detached on purpose
      Oct 11
    • Tableau +s@ftware+
      @chuckR I'm just curious, how long are you married for now? How's it going? Wish I had a friend like you lol, I went through the same things and subdued to pestering.
      Oct 12
    • Cisco chuckR
      @+s@ftware+ it's been 5 years. We are doing great! Initially it was rocky for couple of years, mainly because of patriarchal influences (the mindset of the inlaws family tends to cause problems, until atleast you figure each other out). But he is very loving, kind and generous person. He (now) stands up for me and treates my side of family as his own. Like I do for him. It's been quite a road!

      I am thankful I made the right choice in the end (there are times I doubted myself, but I know what/who I went through. And.. I am lazy to do it all over again.. so yeah work on this one is easy choice 😄)
      Oct 12
  • Amazon Yo Yo !
    I would love to hear this story from those 3 guys over drinks. I bet it’d be much different
    Oct 10 19
    • Santander Bank banktechie
      OP
      @Salesforce : I do not know anyone who wants to live with in laws. Especially the ones who have grown up in nuclear families/ are self sufficient. The ones who agree to it, usually don't have other options. Or maybe they aren't self sufficient and because husband is very rich/ citizen/ is paying for masters (some reward that makes up for the compromise). In exceptional cases, the in laws are super chill and awesome (usually seen this in rich families where the house is big enough such that people aren't in each other's face all the time.)

      I won't marry a guy who will put me through such nonsense. I am very upfront about it in my talks with prospects. I am all in for supporting both sets of parents to the best of our ability in their time of need because of health issues. I would be happy to have both our parents over every now and then, be very loving and caring towards them. I really look forward to all of that.

      But someone who's just wanting to latch on to their son all their life even if they are independent and fit to live by themselves ?causing problems between me and my husband? Nope... Won't happen with me. (Didn't happen with my mother, she's had a happy marriage.. I won't downgrade.)IF it does, it will be total apocalypse as I would be fiercely protective of my relationship and won't tolerate negative influences.

      My purpose to get married is to find a life partner who will stand by me and I'll do the same. It's not to be a nurse/maid/doormat who will get dominated by in-laws.

      Perhaps you feel that people who grew up in nuclear families and who want to live independently after getting married don't value relationships with parents. That's total bullshit bias. It's possible to live separately yet have a strong loving relationship with parents/in laws. And there ARE guy's parents who get that.
      Oct 14
    • Salesforce curious01
      If you bring this up in your first meeting itself, I doubt anyone would dare to go ahead.
      You might be genuine and it totally makes sense as I have exactly the same opinion too but it looks like a big red flag when someone is looking for a life partner
      Oct 14
    • Santander Bank banktechie
      OP
      @Salesforce : got your point. I won’t bring this up in the first conversation.

      Btw .. you agree with my points/my concerns/fears , but at the same time you also expect that the wife to be ‘more generous/accept negative things from in laws’.... basically sacrifice her peace of mind for the ‘greater good’ of the husband’s family.

      Clearly you do not prioritize your wife’s happiness. .

      Then Indian men complain about why they aren’t favored in dating market. Precisely this reason.
      Oct 17
    • Salesforce curious01
      U got me wrong.
      Infact I myself don't allow my parents to stay with us, for the same reason to avoid damaging relationships. I have seen my parents fighting like hell, when my grandmother was around in childhood.
      Ofcourse I am not married yet.

      But a fight happens when two are involved. One of them has to control their anger to avoid a fight.
      I believe aged people are more stubborn and easily hurt. As young people and more educated , I thought, if it ever comes down to a fight, the younger one should atleast try not to overreact.

      If you still feel I am wrong, maybe, but that's what is my understanding till now. For eg, in my personal life, I always try not to react and cause a quarrel. I always try to avoid even a verbal argument even if the other person is crazy and not fair. Even my manager and team lead were discussing once that it's such a pleasure to work with me for the same reason.
      I just expect the same from my future wife too but maybe that quality is rare to find.
      Oct 17
    • Salesforce curious01
      By the way, from where did dating market come into this discussion. Dating is only based on looks and showing ones true bestselves to each other no ?
      Oct 17
  • Intel hgvk
    I hate to ask this, but TC ?
    Oct 10 3
    • Google SwoleSeoul
      Let's be real you don't in fact hate to ask this
      Oct 10
    • Intel hgvk
      Take it easy ! I thought it was a good Blind joke :)
      Oct 10
    • Amazon undertaker
      No it was not
      Oct 11
  • Microsoft
    muleking

    Microsoft

    PRE
    Taco Bell, Campbell Soup, Jack in the Box
    mulekingmore
    When in doubt Optimize for tc
    Oct 10 0
  • Amazon ___|___
    Marriage is not for you if you can’t adjust. You can keep searching for that perfect mate but u will never find him. Even if you do ppl won’t stay same later after marriage. Try to find someone u enjoy being with. Good lk
    Oct 13 5
    • Microsoft GTFO++;
      ^this.

      My wife married me coz I was this cute, cool calm dude (in her words) who'd charmed the heck out of her, her mom and her sisters. I was quoted as an example of someone who never loses his cool. And I've had this reputation since my college days, so I thought it isn't anything that was wrong in their analysis.

      Fast forward a couple of years..now I am (pleasingly) plump, have th Indian husband belly, and I do lose my cool. Am not proud of it but personality has def changed over the years. My wife n my mom get along pretty well but this one thing my mom laments about my marriage (among other things 😁).

      This is a pretty lighthearted example but illustrates a point about changes after marriage.

      That happy perfect marriage happens only in Yash Chopra Bollywood movies.

      Most Indian guys grew up with the notion that they'll be taking care of parents when they grow old. They likely saw their parents do that with their grandparents and that's 25+ years of conditioning.

      Now there comes a pretty little thing who wants to make him not do that. Most guys will freak out and want to try elsewhere. There are anyways no emotions attached yet anyways.

      In my experience I'd had zero such questions about staying alone after marriage from girls who had brothers or at least had her grandparents living with them.

      I don't mean to judge you, am in no position to but perhaps you could just tone down the trying hard bit and try if you two like each other organically? It's easier said than done but from my own experience I can say that it clicks with the right one. The wait for the right one is the agony part.

      But we are all here on blind as your agony aunts (or creepy uncles).

      Hugs!
      Oct 13
    • SAP amww
      "In my experience I'd had zero such questions about staying alone after marriage from girls who had brothers or at least had her grandparents living with them."

      Well, they didn't ask you such questions because: a) they liked living in a joint family setup or at least were used to it, and/ or b) they were living in a similar setup themselves, hence had no moral basis to question you about it.

      To be able to live in a nuclear family setup post marriage, is a hard criterion for many women, and is understandable especially if one hasn't lived 25+ years of one's life in a joint family. So, the choice should be respected as such, if voiced. Staying with parents (when they are not aged/ infirm), is not the only way to care for them.
      Oct 13
    • Santander Bank banktechie
      OP
      @SAP : thanks for your comment.

      Some people just don’t care what they put their partner through. There’s no point talking logic with them. They expect the partner to put up with everything just because they have seen their mom put up with it. I hope I find someone who cares and whose parents also understand that times have changed before I give up on Indian men.
      Oct 14
    • Cisco chuckR
      @GFTO++ this is exactly the problem with Indian upbringing. It's very patriarchal. Guys are brought up with parents saying - oh you are going to be there for us in our old age, take care of us because you are the son, light our funeral pyre etc. Girls are brought up saying - oh you should learn this house stuff, as you will go to someone's house eventually. 🙄
      But the truth is in childhood, girls are brought up in exactly same manner as boys, plus all the overhead of being a girl who needs to be married off sometime. They go through same competitive schooling, colleges and work - in addition to spending $$$ on marriages from 'girl's parents. And they don't even have the option to support their parents/have them live with her in old age?! How many guys before marriage have actually helped out in the kitchen, laundry and have seen their dads help out (share) their mom's 'housework', or take care/live with their mother's parents (aka the other grandparents). Or their dad being a son for that grandparent too. I am lucky I had excellent example in my Dad, and knew not to settle for less.
      Things are changing now. One brick at a time. Hope tommorow is for better. What goes for the gander, goes the goose too.
      Oct 14
    • Microsoft GTFO++;
      Okay, mine is a fairly patriarchical family. My granddad stayed with us until he passed away. That said, my maternal grandmom stayed with my mom's sister until she passed away.

      In my house, the best cooks are the males (no offense mom, if you are reading this). My granddad made the best chai and curry ever! I was expected to help mom with the chores, espl because they wanted to make sure I don't grow up as the typical Indian male (my sis insisted and I till today allege that she wanted to get out of doing the chores ).

      My sis got the same, and in some, more opportunities than I did. I as a boy was expected to do quite many things of my own. I was expected to take the public bus from tution. My sis had the same, until the unsafe city crowds prompted my parents to do the drop pick service with her. By the end of the day I was exhausted from walking and shuttling in public buses and to make up used to get up an hour earlier to study.

      I've studied and worked across 3 continents, much before I turned 25. I have friends from many countries, and they all have mixed backgrounds. For many, there aren't any expectations on them to take care of their parents, though I found the values we were brought up with to be very similar. Patriarchical or matriarchical.

      My wife's siblings before our marriage on the contrary were wary of us staying by ourselves without the parents. Each of them did stay by themselves but found more mental peace when they moved in with/or close to their parents house.

      May be call it selfishness, but kids do better with grandparents around. I had a wonderful relationship with my granddad (I'd call him almost everyday) and I'd love love love if my child has similar with my dad.

      My mom would love it if I was to pack up and move back home to India. My dad has a more practical approach to it.

      Anyways, if the girl really doesn't want to stay with family and voices her concerns before marriage, kudos to her for knowing exactly what at least she does want.

      Sadly for many, it is taken as a 'tez' girl, or in case of a boy who is reluctant, a typical Indian Mama's boy

      I dunno who I am, a Mama's boy or one that dances on the wives fingers.🤷🏽‍♂️.
      Experience says you can't make either woman in your life happy. So I do what my conscious let's me sleep at night.
      Oct 14
  • Cisco Persistant
    You are in the US? How can you live with #2's parents?

    Expand search outside caste, state, country and race. If that is not possible, you just need to do what you are doing now. There is no way to know what know about each of them from the profile on the matrimony sites.
    Oct 11 6
    • Santander Bank banktechie
      OP
      He's a citizen living here with parents. I prefer nuclear family. But it's not uncommon in Indian setting to continue living with parents even after getting married. Hence, I was ok with giving it a shot (I was freaking out about it as I have never lived in joint family setting... I was hesitant)... But when he told me ... I MUST adjust no matter how unhappy I feel living with in laws ... That was it for me.

      In defense of living with in laws ... I have seen cases where this works beautifully... But those are extremely rare.

      When I was open to giving it a shot, lot of my friends were warning me against it saying that I am being very naive.
      Oct 12
    • Google prdaccess
      @banktechieop How old are they ? Does he want to stay with them because they are old/unwell and need care ? ( Medical care can be obtained with money but having children to support them during ill health or old age are important)

      Indian parents from previous generations ( who are now 60+) have grown up with the idea that their children would take care of them in their old age.

      In the same way does he want to take care of your parents?

      Before marriage my wife and me chatted about these above aspects and decided that we will take care of them and stay with them if they are older /ill and need assistance. At the same time we liberate our children from these expectations and we don’t expect our children to take care of us. This would help break the cycle.
      Oct 13
    • Cisco Persistant
      You did good by breaking up with him. His demand is very weird. I am very surprised to hear his parents want to live with their son and DIL. It is not worth giving it a shot. Don't even go there.

      There are some life situations where children might have to be available for parents. This is not one such situation.
      Oct 13
    • OceanX / Eng O(1*1)
      @op
      Were you considering this guy because he is a US citizen? Which will get you citizenship as well 😂
      Oct 13
    • Santander Bank banktechie
      OP
      @OceanX: lol ... I had started to like him. It wasn't about citizenship. And I did walk away eventually as we weren't aligned on fundamentals. So citizenship didn't matter.
      Oct 14
  • Google imagdragon
    Is Santander Bank a real bank?
    Oct 10 4
    • Roku cruella
      Nope. Just a river bank.
      Oct 10
    • Google imagdragon
      Was thinking a troll like Albertsons😂
      Oct 10
    • Datometry / Eng LangEr
      Santander is/ was a big sponsor of the Ferrari F1 team.
      Oct 10
    • Roku cruella
      Albert no longer likes his sons.

      Soon it will be albertgransons.
      Oct 10
  • Microsoft GTFO++;
    @op,
    Hang in there.

    You seem to stress over the fact that the guy was coming out of a broken relationship.
    My take at it is: if the person is good looking, charming or has something they roused my and/or my parents interest, then chances are that, someone else may have also found him interesting as well, enough to have a relationship..

    He's meeting you not because he is in a relationship, he's meeting you because he's likely too tired to venture out and find someone for himself organically.

    This happened with me when I was looking for my wife. It was hard getting emotionally invested and finding things fizzling out for what seemed like flimsy reasons.

    Make sure both of you are aware of the 'rebounds' syndrome, being so close to a breakup.

    I could give more wisdom (or what I would like to think) but brain is shutting down due to sleep deprivation. Am giving my beautiful wife a break by managing my my 2 year old by my self🙂.
    Oct 10 1
    • Datometry / Eng LangEr
      I can relate to it. I just went though my first cycle of things fizzling out after a few months. It caught me by surprise. All these months of talking and then sudden radio silence... Life’s weird!
      Oct 10
  • Google SwoleSeoul
    TC might explain a lot
    Oct 10 6
    • Google SwoleSeoul
      You mean you're personally not chasing FANG jobs or you're not chasing FANG men (or both)
      Oct 10
    • Santander Bank banktechie
      OP
      FANG men.
      Oct 10
    • Google SwoleSeoul
      I meant your TC might explain a lot.
      Oct 10
    • Salesforce curious01
      Why not FANG mean OP ?
      Oct 11
    • Santander Bank banktechie
      OP
      @google: I am not chasing men with very high TC/in FANG. So my TC isn't that low relatively.
      I guess once you cross a threshold in TC, lot of other factors matter.
      Oct 14
  • OceanX / Eng O(1*1)
    Times have changed, like what exactly changed.

    Don't say working women and all, there were working women in our parents generation as well they managed their work and family both very well.

    And this generation wife get a lot more support from the husband than our parents generation in terms of help at house hold chores and stuff
    Oct 14 3
    • Santander Bank banktechie
      OP
      @oceanx... don’t want to debate.

      I am skeptical about joint family system. I haven't grown up in one. I make it very clear to the guy. The expectation from him is to walk away if he wants to live with his parents forever.

      That being said, there are guys who also want to live separately with his wife and children. And still care for both sets of parents. While not being in the same house. Both sets of parents visit every few months. Everyone stays happy. Thats what most women want.
      Oct 14
    • OceanX / Eng O(1*1)
      @op
      So does that work for your parents as well?
      Oct 14
    • Santander Bank banktechie
      OP
      @OceanX yes it does. They have no expectation that their daughter in law would live with them either. And they are very cool about it.
      Oct 14
  • Amazon mmmehhhh
    I gave up and married a white boy.
    Oct 11 2
    • Santander Bank banktechie
      OP
      Yes ... That's another option ... Some of my friends have done that and are happily married. They met them organically though ... While doing masters / at work ... It will definitely take me a while to get comfortable to date out side of Indians. But I am not ruling out that option
      Oct 11
    • Amazon mmmehhhh
      I met my husband at a hiking group.
      Oct 11
  • Microsoft ohdjm
    It’ll happen when it has to happen. Come up with a list of deal breakers & be prepared to compromise on the non deal breakers.
    Oct 11 0
  • Zillow Group gentle
    Yeah know your deal breakers and be upfront and don't start it if it obviously doesn't work out for you. The larger the network the more choices and higher chances of success.
    Oct 10 0
  • OceanX / Eng O(1*1)
    @op
    Rule of tumb in this arranged marrige thing, don't be in a hurry unless you are like 30+ and a female. You will know when you meet the right one.

    I also went through the same experiences, DM for more info.
    Oct 11 7
    • Microsoft GTFO++;
      Well, if producing offspring is a real concern, there are alternatives for the females too- freezing eggs can be one way. Invasive but modern medicine gives an option.
      For guys it’s easier I admit. We aren’t judged by our age as much the girls are.

      Sperm count? It takes courage to go a doctor, wiz in a cup and wait for the result. I don’t know why it hits our male egos so bad. 🤷🏽‍♂️
      Oct 11
    • OceanX / Eng O(1*1)
      It doesn't hit my ego to do that.
      Oct 11
    • OceanX / Eng O(1*1)
      Also, wrt freezing eggs and all, I personally prefer to use as less of the technology as possible in the making of babies process.

      Which we humans are really go at. Also we humans don't really understand full effects of that technology.

      The process of evolution and biology has done millions of years of R&D already, it's try to make use of that and keep it natural as much as we can.
      Oct 11
    • OceanX / Eng O(1*1)
      Also for both guys and girls, at a given age range of 5 to 10 years between 25-35ish has to do more with how you take care of your health and body and less with age...
      Oct 11
    • Santander Bank banktechie
      OP
      Primary reason for me to get married is not to have children but to find a life partner. Although I really do want a child.
      But I place higher importance to finding the right person I want to grow old with.
      My child won't be with me after 17-20 years in the same house.
      Partner > child.
      In case we are not able to not have biological child.. there's always adoption. It's not the end of the world.
      Oct 12

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