How do I stop feeling like a failure?
Warning - edge post.
Im working on an Amazon internal ML team in Seattle after I graduate from a low tier state school. Everybody I know makes more than me with better benefits and more prestige at FB, Airbnb, Google, and prop trading companies including the people I interned with last summer all in less depressing locations than Seattle (NYC, chi, Boston).
I studied hundreds of hours of leetcode and practice interviews but I failed all of the other Big3 interviews I got and a bunch of startups save for a few low tier breakout list companies in fintech. I find myself in a rage every day and think about killing myself just to spare myself the burden and shame of making only $106k base as a new grad at a low tier company nobody is impressed by while everyone I know outearns me and has impressive lives and is happy.
I take medication and have a therapist but it hasn’t been helping.
So tell me - is there literally anything in my life that’s salvageable? I have a great family that I’m very close to but now I’ll be 6 hours away from them. I’m in decent health but I’m terrified I’ll get colon cancer or some shit from all the weird aches and pains I have. I have a job and got multiple offers, better than some people I know but worse than the people I care about and respect. I live in the first world, better than my parents but I barely make more than them as a new grad - hardly the American dream, and I can’t save much because of Amazons bad health care and 401k match.
I study leetcode but I still suck and can’t focus if I can’t get the solution immediately because it proves I’m a retard. What the hell am I doing? Should I just invest in a punching bag and get over myself?