How do I stop feeling like a failure?

Amazon / Eng
andjdbamba

Amazon Eng

PRE
Oracle
andjdbambamore
Feb 28, 2018 101 Comments

Warning - edge post.

Im working on an Amazon internal ML team in Seattle after I graduate from a low tier state school. Everybody I know makes more than me with better benefits and more prestige at FB, Airbnb, Google, and prop trading companies including the people I interned with last summer all in less depressing locations than Seattle (NYC, chi, Boston).

I studied hundreds of hours of leetcode and practice interviews but I failed all of the other Big3 interviews I got and a bunch of startups save for a few low tier breakout list companies in fintech. I find myself in a rage every day and think about killing myself just to spare myself the burden and shame of making only $106k base as a new grad at a low tier company nobody is impressed by while everyone I know outearns me and has impressive lives and is happy.

I take medication and have a therapist but it hasn’t been helping.

So tell me - is there literally anything in my life that’s salvageable? I have a great family that I’m very close to but now I’ll be 6 hours away from them. I’m in decent health but I’m terrified I’ll get colon cancer or some shit from all the weird aches and pains I have. I have a job and got multiple offers, better than some people I know but worse than the people I care about and respect. I live in the first world, better than my parents but I barely make more than them as a new grad - hardly the American dream, and I can’t save much because of Amazons bad health care and 401k match.

I study leetcode but I still suck and can’t focus if I can’t get the solution immediately because it proves I’m a retard. What the hell am I doing? Should I just invest in a punching bag and get over myself?

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TOP 101 Comments
  • Microsoft UMbR31
    Why is Cruise automation tagged?
    Feb 28, 2018 3
    • Microsoft / Eng nLSe04
      Cruise Automation is the new tree fiddy.
      Feb 28, 2018
    • Microsoft UMbR31
      I see
      Feb 28, 2018
    • Amazon / Eng
      andjdbamba

      Amazon Eng

      PRE
      Oracle
      andjdbambamore
      OP
      I got rejected from them too with the hackerrank :(
      Feb 28, 2018
  • LinkedIn / Eng Ls19s2
    $106k as a new grad is depressing??? Do you realize how much most new grads actually make??

    (In case you don’t, it’s SIGNIFICANTLY less)

    Your salary is very impressive, and Amazon is, without a doubt, a top-tier company—even though some people on Blind, who are out of touch with reality, might disagree.
    Feb 28, 2018 0
  • Wish Cute cat
    You sound you need medical help. Go for it.
    Feb 28, 2018 0
  • Microsoft UMbR31
    If ANYONE in Amazon is feeling low, you all should go to reinvent or watch the last few years highlights on YouTube. What you people have done to the industry is genuinely mind blowing, feel proud to be part of that journey. When I walk down Denny Way every single day in the morning and look at the the buildings, it gives me goosebumps to think that the platforms controlling the world's business are being built RIGHT there... Feel proud, you've already won in life.
    Feb 28, 2018 4
    • Facebook Yfchj
      This is not the right advice to OP. If OP was a janitor at Amazon with a CS degree would you still say ‘Feel proud of being part of the journey!’ ? You have to provide constructive advice to put a growth mindset into OP
      Feb 28, 2018
    • Microsoft UMbR31
      You work at a company that gives solves problems and gives zero f***s about 'being cool', 'being diverse' or anything else. Transferring exabytes to AWS servers is expensive on your stupid ISP line, here, send it in a motherf****g semitruck...

      Seriously, if you AWS guys want to complain about a seat on the rocketship, please leave, go work at a kayak rental.
      Feb 28, 2018
    • Microsoft UMbR31
      @yfchj: I think OPs clearly stated he's a 6 figure making new grad at amazon. You can be certain he's a new sde who doesn't see the big picture yet.
      Feb 28, 2018
    • Amazon / Eng
      andjdbamba

      Amazon Eng

      PRE
      Oracle
      andjdbambamore
      OP
      I like the product at Amazon, no doubt. I liked it enough to intern there and get a good perf review when I exited. What I don’t like is how much other people are better than me in terms of pay and work environment. It’s a clusterfuck overall with none of the pay or respect.
      Feb 28, 2018
  • Airbnb ZkBb34f
    Amazon and ML are an amazing resume booster, even if working there sucks the life out of you. Even if it doesn’t look like it, once you have a bit more experience, having amazon and ML on your resume for a few years will set you dramatically apart from the rest.

    You’re comparing yourself to others (stop it), but only to those at FANG and fintech. If you really want to compare yourself, do that to the entire market of CS grads from your school - or all CS grads in the US in your year - and see how you’re doing comparatively.

    You’re bummed at not being at the top, but you’re playing in the top league already - one that many others aspire to join. Congrats on making it this far.
    Feb 28, 2018 1
    • Amazon / Eng
      andjdbamba

      Amazon Eng

      PRE
      Oracle
      andjdbambamore
      OP
      I don’t want to compare myself to people from my school, because I’ve always (for 4 years) thought of them as mediocre people that aren’t invested in the field. Now I’m barely doing better than them because my school graduates 3-6 Amazon undergrads while Google and FB have 1 or none.
      Feb 28, 2018
  • Facebook Yfchj
    How long have you been at Amazon? Remember it’s a marathon not a run. Wait 2 years, gain ML proficiency, attend tech conferences and build relationships. You will get opportunities later if you keep yourself open to it. Leetcoding is not the only solution to your problems
    Feb 28, 2018 1
    • Amazon / Eng
      andjdbamba

      Amazon Eng

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      Oracle
      andjdbambamore
      OP
      I’m an SDe, not a scientist. So no conferences :(
      Feb 28, 2018
  • Amazon vbb65t6
    So much first world problems. Some people would die to be in your position. Chill the fuck out, it's just start of your career. Be good and put your 100% in what you are doing, do not worry about money. If you have knowledge, money will follow you.
    Feb 28, 2018 1
    • Google / Eng jgix9z
      He's even doing well in the first world. Just drive out to Neah Bay and see how much worse things can be in this country.
      Feb 28, 2018
  • Cisco 12monkeys
    Sounds like you need this one: 12 Rules for Life by Jordan B. Peterson https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/12-rules-for-life/id1150863560?mt=11
    Feb 28, 2018 0
  • Google / Eng
    wow👏

    Google Eng

    PRE
    Microsoft
    wow👏more
    Wow. If this helps you, when I started my career in 2008, I used to make 60k.

    I failed in interview with Amazon at least 5 times. I also failed in interviews with FB, Google, Uber etc multiple times.

    It was in 2016 when things changed and I was able to clear these interviews. Now my TC is over 400k.

    My guess is you will be fine, just keep a long term view and keep doing leet code.
    Feb 28, 2018 3
    • Amazon / Eng
      andjdbamba

      Amazon Eng

      PRE
      Oracle
      andjdbambamore
      OP
      How’d you get better in 2016?
      Feb 28, 2018
    • Google / Eng
      wow👏

      Google Eng

      PRE
      Microsoft
      wow👏more
      Instead of interviewing with top companies, I interviewed with startups first. Once I had 3-4 offers, I was confident enough to clear top companies too.
      Feb 28, 2018
    • Amazon / Eng
      andjdbamba

      Amazon Eng

      PRE
      Oracle
      andjdbambamore
      OP
      I couldn’t even get interviews at smaller companies this recruiting cycle.
      Feb 28, 2018
  • New edOs26
    I’ve worked very hard and Jeff Bezos, Elan Musk and Bill Gates are all richer than me. Life’s not fair I’m depressed should I just quit?

    Just a little illustration of what your post reads like...

    Wake up dude. You are living the good life.
    Feb 28, 2018 7
    • New edOs26
      Go volunteer at a homeless shelter and count your blessings. Heck if word gets out you are doing that you’d probably get a promotion.
      Feb 28, 2018
    • Amazon / Eng
      andjdbamba

      Amazon Eng

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      Oracle
      andjdbambamore
      OP
      I mean volunteeeing doesn’t get you a $100k signing bonus
      Feb 28, 2018
    • New edOs26
      No offense but you sound like a bit of a jerk who could use some perspective. I hire people like you, and I wouldn’t hire you, even if you were the best at what you do. You sound like a nightmare for people to work with.

      You will find that by doing good for others you will get more ROI than anything you could do for yourself

      Look at Bezos- he worked in his garage for years, making way less than you at your age. He did it for a vision not for himself but for others.

      Volunteer work would do you a lot of good.
      Feb 28, 2018
    • Amazon / Eng
      andjdbamba

      Amazon Eng

      PRE
      Oracle
      andjdbambamore
      OP
      I mean he worked at DE Shaw and went to Princeton. That’s not the same. If I was building a company or in a top grad school that’s obviously different.
      Feb 28, 2018
    • Microsoft Fhrexhdqsf
      Op is a fucking troll. Cool down guys.
      Mar 1, 2018
  • Expedia HqBc57
    OP to be completely blunt, you sound depressed and I don't think your current mental health regime is working for you. The obsessions you have on salary and success are not healthy and I'm scared for you based on the wording in the post. Please get professional help immediately. You have a life full of people who love you and want you to be happy, healthy and safe.
    Feb 28, 2018 3
    • Amazon / Eng
      andjdbamba

      Amazon Eng

      PRE
      Oracle
      andjdbambamore
      OP
      I’m not sad that though, I’m just angry. Angry that almost nothing I’ve done has paid off and the little success I have is blind luck (and even that isn’t that good)
      Feb 28, 2018
    • Expedia HqBc57
      Depression doesn't always manifest as sadness. It can be anger and self-hatred, a feeling like nothing you've accomplished has really been earned for arbitrary reasons. Obsessions that cause you to constantly compare yourself to other people- your coworkers, your fellow alumni, your friends, your parents. I'm speaking from personal experience.

      From my perspective you have accomplished a huge amount that you should be proud of, but you're asking an anonymous work board what you have left in your life to live for. That disconnect to me screams that your mental health is not being taken care of properly. I really think before you look for solutions here you should be talking to your therapist (or finding a new one if your current one is shit) about this. Please remember there's no shame in taking care of your mental health and not addressing it is just as irrational as avoiding a doctor when you have a life threatening injury.
      Feb 28, 2018
  • Veritas Overit73
    106k as a new grad is way good. Most people would be grateful to make that. Start counting your blessings!!! I also think you need to see a dr that can help you with a different med. sounds like you have depression and being a mom I take your words seriously! I’ve worked damn hard in tech industry for 20 years to pull in a 180k salary w 20% bonus. I’m a director! Police officers don’t even make that much in the Bay Area.
    Feb 28, 2018 2
    • Facebook Yfchj
      Thanks for the honesty
      Feb 28, 2018
    • Microsoft / Eng 20% raise
      106k is below the standard offer for base.
      Mar 1, 2018
  • Lending Club / Other ZaphodBeeb
    Fire your therapist and get a new one that teaches you to focus on the positive in your reality. Your reality is pretty good, but you make it sound negative.

    6 hours from family isn’t that bad.

    Seattle can be an amazing place to live.

    Your salary is just fine for a new grad.

    Stop comparing yourself with others. Your expectations are making you unhappy, not your circumstances. Happiness is appreciating what you have, not getting what you want.
    Feb 28, 2018 3
    • Amazon / Eng
      andjdbamba

      Amazon Eng

      PRE
      Oracle
      andjdbambamore
      OP
      Seattle is nice. Salary is not fine when my friends are making $10k a month at trading companies putting in 1/10 of the effort I did to get a 4x the results.
      Feb 28, 2018
    • Apple Veet51
      Anybody who told you life was fair lied, period. Once you realize that, you'll stop giving so many &@#&$ what others have/haven't.
      Feb 28, 2018
    • Lending Club / Other ZaphodBeeb
      How does someone else’s salary make yours “not fine?” It sounds like you are measuring success by comparing your material gains with those of others, and you are choosing to be happy only if that comparison tilts in your favor.

      You need to redefine what success and happiness mean. Success is living a lifestyle that you enjoy, so do stuff that you enjoy. Happiness comes from relationships and living your life in a way that is consistent with your values, so act in a way that makes you proud of your behavior, and spend some time lifting up those that mean something to you (instead of envying them).

      And seriously, fire your therapist and get a new one. And do the work to make yourself happy instead of relying only on the medication.
      Feb 28, 2018
  • Capital One jdb946
    You need to turn off your Facebook and Instagram and focus and fixing yourself
    Feb 28, 2018 3
    • Amazon / Eng
      andjdbamba

      Amazon Eng

      PRE
      Oracle
      andjdbambamore
      OP
      These are people that I have to interact with day to day (good friends) so that’s difficult unless I become even more of a hermit than I am today
      Feb 28, 2018
    • Capital One jdb946
      I wish I had close friends in cool companies. You make me feel depressed now.
      Feb 28, 2018
    • Amazon / Eng
      andjdbamba

      Amazon Eng

      PRE
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      andjdbambamore
      OP
      Lol
      Feb 28, 2018
  • Amazon BlindExec
    OP I was in a similar boat to you just 2 years ago. Good starting sal @ Amazon out of college but less than a college friend was pulling in on Wall St even tho he had to cheat off of me just to pass. Also less than my other friend who made bank on BTC.

    2 years, 1 promo, and a ridiculous boom in AMZN and I’m pulling in 250k doing 35 hr weeks w no stress, no state income tax, and quick promo to Sr SDE if I want it.
    AMZN is looking as good or better than when I started so there is no reason to think you won’t be in the same situation soon.
    Learn to temper your expectations and not compare yourself with people who lucked out on dumb shit like BTC. You are on a very lucrative path but it takes a bit of time to get to the real money.
    Life is a long race and you’re thinking of giving up just cuz some jackass is ahead of you at mile 1. You’ve got options and plenty of time left to change that.
    Mar 1, 2018 1
    • Amazon / Eng
      andjdbamba

      Amazon Eng

      PRE
      Oracle
      andjdbambamore
      OP
      This does make me feel better. I just hope I can perform enough to promo to SDE2 in 2 years.
      Mar 1, 2018
  • Flagged by the community.

  • This comment was deleted by original commenter.

    • Amazon / Eng
      andjdbamba

      Amazon Eng

      PRE
      Oracle
      andjdbambamore
      OP
      I’m barely in a better place than 4 years ago. I’m at a better company I guess, making more than I expected. But far less than I wanted 2 years ago, which was FB or Google or 2S or Pinterest or Uber.
      Feb 28, 2018
    • Amazon / Eng
      andjdbamba

      Amazon Eng

      PRE
      Oracle
      andjdbambamore
      OP
      Yes. That is a measurement of success and self worth.

      There is no qualitative ranking of a person. Only quantitative. You can’t pay bills with hippie shit.

      Anybody that believes otherwise is living in fantasy land.
      Feb 28, 2018
    • New / Eng DS&Amaster
      This. Comparision is an attribute of immaturity. Just focus on improving your skillset day by day. Who knows ML has huge scope and if you are good at it you might start your own company.

      Jeff bezos did not join apple or ibme back in 90s. Instead he beleived in himself. Jack Ma couldn’t get a job at KFC but he found his own company.

      Bottomline: be matured, believe in yourself.
      Feb 28, 2018
    • Amazon / Eng
      andjdbamba

      Amazon Eng

      PRE
      Oracle
      andjdbambamore
      OP
      Bezos went to Princeton and got into DE Shaw. He was making bank before starting Amazon. I don’t have that. I don’t have elite status. People look down on me no matter what I do.

      In terms of ML, it’s just model prediction for vision and text APIs. Nothing fancy or research worthy.
      Feb 28, 2018
    • New / Eng DS&Amaster
      Dude: You are looking bad even in good and setting up yourself for failure. As another stop, I suggest reading books. Start with MINDSET.
      Mar 1, 2018
  • F5 Networks / Sales
    UrMomma

    F5 Networks Sales

    BIO
    Just lurking...
    UrMommamore
    $106k a year and complaining.... suck it up buttercup. Average wage in the US is half what you make as a new grad.
    Feb 28, 2018 3
    • Facebook Yfchj
      Average wage earner doesn’t have to live in a place where cramped rooms are valued at $1M
      Feb 28, 2018
    • F5 Networks / Sales
      UrMomma

      F5 Networks Sales

      BIO
      Just lurking...
      UrMommamore
      Then move someplace else, and take a lower paying job. Nobody’s forcing him to live in Seattle. Thank God I don’t.
      Feb 28, 2018
    • Oracle duaigaf
      Facebook. Hyperbole much? Go furyher north to bothell and youll find homes for $500k. Better yet mountlake terrace where lightrail will soon go.
      Feb 28, 2018
  • Microsoft VonNeuman0
    Oh man this guy again! He makes this post every month. Move along guys. His nick used to be 5'6Indian 😂
    Feb 28, 2018 2
    • Amazon / Eng
      andjdbamba

      Amazon Eng

      PRE
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      andjdbambamore
      OP
      I’m a little taller than that
      Feb 28, 2018
    • Microsoft VonNeuman0
      Where in India are you from OP? Hyderabad? PM and I'll coach you on leetcode
      Feb 28, 2018
  • Unity youmeall
    @andjdbamba: Please let us know your name and we all will contribute $5 a month to your account. There are probably 10K people on Blind who would happily give $5 to you a month. Let us know if you would still be happy, since now you would be earning $600k a year...but none of us would have any respect for you! Get a life...
    Mar 6, 2018 0