How to convince spouse to consider places beyond SF Bay Area?

Mphasis / Project WaitbutY?
Dec 14, 2018 46 Comments

Long story short - both me and wife work in SF Bay Area and I think after 5 years, I’m over this place. We spend more time sitting in traffic than going places. Pay ridiculous state tax and starting this year - won’t be able to deduct that in tax returns as well. For the amount we spent on buying a home, we could practically buy a McMansion in many other cities in the country.

Wife is a badass engineer, graduated from a Top20 US MS program and works for an epic company.

Whenever I try to bring up the subject of a move, she claims she won’t find such meaningful work elsewhere and the weather is not as great. And I’m like - a. That same company has offices in many cities across US (if you don’t want to leave them), b. There are many others doing equally important and meaningful work. As for the weather, I don’t remember when was the last time we went anywhere ’outside’ in the Bay Area so how does it matter what’s the weather outside?

Home > Daycare > Office and back again. I’m dreading what happens when school will start, then there’ll be one more reason not to move.

I’d love to be at a place where we can both find jobs and have a better quality of life.

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TOP 46 Comments
  • RingCentral / Eng
    Duck-Bezos

    RingCentral Eng

    PRE
    Yahoo, Oath
    BIO
    One life to live!
    Duck-Bezosmore
    By taking her on vacation/holidays to other areas and showing her the pros!
    Dec 14, 2018 5
    • Mphasis / Project WaitbutY?
      OP
      Did that. Epic response: no one comes to know about a city in 3-4 days! 🤦🏻‍♂️
      Dec 14, 2018
    • Twitter VHpB53
      By taking her on vacation/holidays to other areas for about a month each and showing her the pros!
      Dec 14, 2018
    • RingCentral / Eng
      Duck-Bezos

      RingCentral Eng

      PRE
      Yahoo, Oath
      BIO
      One life to live!
      Duck-Bezosmore
      This ☝️
      Dec 14, 2018
    • New / Eng MSFT_fte
      I like your wife, she's cool.
      Dec 14, 2018
    • Mphasis / Project WaitbutY?
      OP
      MSFT - she’s the coolest cat I know too!
      Dec 14, 2018
  • Google / Data
    jamal

    Google Data

    BIO
    10yoe BI/DW/python
    jamalmore
    Not only could you buy a mcmansion with the money youd spend here in the home, but you could just retire in Cambodia! But would that really make you happy?

    Why not try to minimize the negatives - perhaps move as close to work as possible, and find work in a place close to home? Plenty of companies around here, in different parts of the bay, that will have a job for you.
    Dec 14, 2018 4
    • Mphasis / Project WaitbutY?
      OP
      Yup doing that, interviewing so that hopefully commute is reduced a bit.

      But still - doesn’t it feel odd that we are overpaying for everything here? Agreed salaries are good to support, but that also means we need to be in this rat race much longer.
      Dec 14, 2018
    • Google / Data
      jamal

      Google Data

      BIO
      10yoe BI/DW/python
      jamalmore
      According to my math, even with all taxes, etc - the rate of monthly savings is higher than it would be anywhere else, not to mention the opportunities we get here.

      My advice - spend a few extra $$ on a smaller house, but with short commute (I'm 14-25 minutes door to door), rather than a larger house in Oakland, where you will waste your life away sitting in traffic.

      Reduce commute time, then see if you still want to move.
      Dec 14, 2018
    • Mphasis / Project WaitbutY?
      OP
      Jamal brother - thinking of that only. Now that property prices are cooling, seriously thinking of waiting and watching one more quarter, might as well sell our existing home and move into a home closer to offices.
      Dec 14, 2018
    • Google / Data
      jamal

      Google Data

      BIO
      10yoe BI/DW/python
      jamalmore
      At least you own a home bubba. Per my math, it doesn't make sense to buy a home until prices drop 25%++
      Dec 14, 2018
  • Spotify elogovna
    Peer pressure .. the chance they miss out on what everyone is getting keeps most people from making such a change. You could try to reverse psychology that ... Something along the lines of "isn't it nice to be in an area where everyone is doing exactly what we are doing", "sticking out is for losers", ...
    Dec 14, 2018 1
    • Mphasis / Project WaitbutY?
      OP
      Yes, I suspect that’s definitely one of the stronger pull factors of the Bay Area.
      Dec 14, 2018
  • New / Data
    BetaWhite

    New Data

    PRE
    Google
    BetaWhitemore
    Who is holding her back. Convince him to come with you?
    Dec 14, 2018 1
    • New / Biz Dev
      HiDBr6g

      New Biz Dev

      PRE
      Microsoft
      HiDBr6gmore
      Did you try to find this?
      Dec 14, 2018
  • Salesforce willforce
    She is the one wearing pants !
    Dec 14, 2018 1
    • VMware Bwurha
      Wtf!
      Dec 14, 2018
  • KPMG / Eng Teddyhere
    Where would you move?
    Dec 14, 2018 7
    • Amazon / Eng Am A Bot
      There isn’t a place on this list without its downsides. Dallas and Phoenix are much more affordable but less desirable places to live so they will likely not have as amazing jobs as your wife is used to.

      Irvine is pricey but cheaper than the Bay Area. Weather is nice and the schools are excellent. It’s probably the best place on the list.
      Dec 14, 2018
    • Mphasis / Project WaitbutY?
      OP
      Is Amazon hiring in Irvine?
      Dec 14, 2018
    • Amazon / Eng Am A Bot
      https://amazon.jobs/en/locations/irvine-california

      PM me for some details. Certain jobs aren’t posted because they are 100% sourced.
      Dec 14, 2018
    • Microsoft JSYW47
      You should probably consider places that aren't a drastic step down from SF. Seattle is a good choice, as is Austin. Going from SF to Dallas would be much too big of a change.
      Dec 14, 2018
    • Apple Gg56fh
      Irvine doesn’t solve your state tax problems.
      Dec 16, 2018
  • New
    I convinced my wife to move by showing her the lifestyle that our kids would have, and how we would be able to spend more time with them. And it would be higher quality time.

    Also allowing her to choose our vacation destinations and footing the bill, to boot.

    It helped that my wife doesn’t love her job. It sounds like your wife has excellent job satisfaction, so you’d have to overcome that.
    Dec 14, 2018 1
    • Mphasis / Project WaitbutY?
      OP
      That’s my plan somewhere down the line. My child is too young to enjoy outdoor activities.
      Dec 14, 2018
  • Salesforce
    ashreshteh

    Salesforce

    BIO
    I am blind to something and you are too.
    ashreshtehmore
    Having been in a relationship once with someone like you, and being in the place of your wife, I understand her situation.

    Yes, it's true, if you want to work on the next big startup, cutting edge of cloud and AI, have recruiters spam you every day with opportunities you can only dream of elsewhere and be paid competitively and work with some of the smartest people in the world, Bay area is the best. Maybe she might be ok with Seattle or NYC.

    If you don't find your career as meaningful, you might not appreciate all this. Why don't you consider taking up a less demanding job and actually enjoy the outdoors with your kids more? Or work from home few days a week? I'm sure she makes enough money to foot a vacation bill as well for you and the kids if she's busy few days. If she's a rockstar engineer her TC should easily allow for this.

    I eventually ended my relationship because we hit this before we were married and I felt it might be better, but for you guys, you should consider other arrangements which give you the balance that you crave and her the career she craves.
    Dec 15, 2018 0
  • Facebook public2
    She's right. Just make more money so you don't have to commute and the bay is great.
    Dec 14, 2018 0
  • Argo AI / Eng
    VKTk74

    Argo AI Eng

    PRE
    Apple
    VKTk74more
    Amen to that man!
    Dec 14, 2018 0
  • Pinterest RIRI
    If you are both working in tech (particularly because your wife is a badass engineer) I think it is in your best interest to stay in the Bay Area.

    Having endless opportunities is hard to quantify. It’s also not just the quantity but quality. Having worked in tech in 2 other cities in the US, I do believe the growth and career potential is highest here.

    It may sound ridiculous when you compare buying a mansion for 2M versus an entry level SFH, but there’s a reason those places get you more for your money. Supply and demand. Not much demand given all the circumstances (job opportunities, diversity, etc)
    Dec 16, 2018 0
  • Zendesk showmethe
    You need to consider your wife’s mood might be impacted by the weather even if you’re not outside. Gloomy weather causes people to be sad. More common in females. Be mindful of this.
    Dec 14, 2018 0
  • Microsoft / Mgmt @zzz
    Plan a vacation in Seattle around August, for about 15 days. Move before it gets totally spoiled like sf.
    Dec 14, 2018 0
  • Google 1234-/:;(
    The offices exist but the work will be limited since obviously the vast majority of teams wont be at a non HQ site
    Dec 14, 2018 0
  • Microsoft Rachel009
    Cool company as in Google?
    Dec 14, 2018 6
    • Microsoft Rachel009
      404. Company not found, lol. Google's the coolest bruh. Check your facts
      Dec 14, 2018
    • Mphasis / Project WaitbutY?
      OP
      I’ll let Satya know that.
      Dec 14, 2018
    • General Motors / Eng
      lanmoiling

      General Motors Eng

      PRE
      Zebra Technologies
      lanmoilingmore
      hmmmmm Tesla?
      Dec 15, 2018
    • Mphasis / Project WaitbutY?
      OP
      SW not HW
      Dec 15, 2018
    • General Motors / Eng
      lanmoiling

      General Motors Eng

      PRE
      Zebra Technologies
      lanmoilingmore
      I’d say Tesla does SW too but your response clearly says it ain’t Tesla haha. SW company cooler than G hmmmmm
      Dec 15, 2018
  • Microsoft / Mgmt @zzz
    You can't, so get a new wife.
    Dec 14, 2018 2
    • Mphasis / Project WaitbutY?
      OP
      Might as well burn my fingers, grind my teeth, go bald, put on 20 pounds, get fake ID from dark web and start afresh in North Dakota, no? 🤣
      Dec 14, 2018
    • Lyft / Eng GrumpyEM
      This. 100% this.
      Dec 14, 2018
  • New suckers
    Any place with top school will be expensive even if it is in the middle of nowhere because thats primarily how upper middle class will segregate themselves....

    about $800k - $1.2m even in mid sized cities.
    Dec 14, 2018 0
  • Argo AI / Eng
    VKTk74

    Argo AI Eng

    PRE
    Apple
    VKTk74more
    I want to move too but too scared to leave all friends and family behind. I don’t want to get alone
    Dec 14, 2018 0

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