How to deal with questioning sexuality in late 20s

Amazon / Eng Amsucjs
Jun 16, 2018 17 Comments

I went through high school and college dating women and actually (I thought) I was a pretty standard hetero guy.

Since I got hired in at Amazon 3.5 years ago it naturally has necessitated a continuous stream of trips to Seattle, and on the first trip I went to a restaurant and got hit on by a very feminine guy who was my bartender. He bought me a few drinks and I ended up in a super captivating conversation with him that lasted a long time, he got off his shift and we ended up going to another bar and drinking more, and actually ended up kissing before leaving the bar. I never saw him again.

What I felt that night felt so good that I went on a few dates with guys from Tinder the next few times I was in Seattle. Nothing ever came of that. But now for about two years me and a childhood friend who’s 4 years younger than me have gotten extremely close, closer than I ever thought I’d be to a guy. We’ve vacationed together, literally spent every weekend together, gone to dinner and just stared into each other’s eyes for a half hour, even slept in the same bed together, but every time I try to make a physical advance I get denied and he claims he “isn’t gay and eventually wants to find a girlfriend”. And then 3 minutes later he’ll be critiquing the plants and paint color in front of my house and complementing my hair.

Meanwhile I get continuous questions from my family about why I’ve stopped finding girlfriends (I blamed it on work which given Amazon’s reputation nobody questions), and my other friends keep trying to find me dates, but I’m finding I just don’t have an interest in dating a woman because I’m super attracted to this guy.

I’ve thought about getting involved in a group like Glamazon but this basically seems like outing myself to my coworkers which I don’t know if I’m ready for yet. But on the other hand I can feel the situation with my attraction to my friend who claims he is straight throwing me into extremely deep depression and really destroying me mentally.

Any advice on how to get through something like this? Anything I should stay away from, be careful of, explore more deeply, etc? Open to all suggestions


Want to comment? LOG IN or SIGN UP
TOP 17 Comments
  • Lending Club sparky3000
    Why are you fixated on what you wanna call it? You can be whatever you want. You call be Hetero with a preference for men. You can fuck guys. You can do both. The idea that boxed in rules about sexuality exist is nonsense

    Again let me make this clear; call yourself whatever you want. And tbh sounds like that friend of your is in denial. In the long run he is gonna be unhappy
    Jun 16, 2018 0
  • Being bi - always double chance for wining lottery
    Jun 16, 2018 4
    • Google / Eng 🍑☁️
      More like 1.2 chance probably since most people are straight - but it's still pretty sweet
      Jun 16, 2018
    • Amazon / Eng Perler
      Actually a 1x chance. Straight people have 0.8x chance.
      Bi = straight people of other gender + gay people of your gender
      Straight = straight people of other gender
      Jun 16, 2018
    • Amazon / Eng Perler
      TBH I don't think we can math this shit. Inspite of gays only having .2x by this formula, I understand that they get way more action than straight people.
      Jun 16, 2018
    • Google / Eng 🍑☁️
      Ehh I'm assuming straightness is our baseline for 1x chance since it's what's "normal"
      Jun 16, 2018
  • TripAdvisor owlwise
    Sounds like you're bisexual. But contrary to popular belief, you don't have to 'come out' unless you want to. Tell a few friends that you feel comfortable sharing with to get it off the chest. Date or have fun with the guys or girls you like. Just do you.
    Jun 16, 2018 1
    • Cisco Dh6363gd
      One thing I would add. Don’t waste time on someone who isn’t there with you. Go have fun, find someone who can be who you need
      Jun 16, 2018
  • Microsoft maverickk
    I might sound cliched here but, do what makes you happy. Don't try to conform to what the society deems as "normal". And don't worry about coming out to your colleagues about your sexuality. Gay couples are some of the nicest people I've ever met and I'm sure everyone will understand, good luck !
    Jun 16, 2018 0
  • New BobRoss
    Dude - so awesome for you! Could you imagine trying to repress this til you’re 80? Whew. Have fun. Stay safe. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself or your friend. Maybe your friend is not as in touch with himself as you are. Don’t get too close and get hurt - give him space. Don’t spend so much time with him. He might come around - or might not. That sucks, but there are lots of fish in the sea. Dolphins, too.
    Jun 16, 2018 0
  • JW Player UbEH71
    A lot of good input from others. I don't have much to add other than you sound similar to me, except my realization that I was bi (and labels are kinda dumb and uninteresting but can make it easier to talk about sexuality) was a lot more gradual. I've told only a couple of people because it just doesn't feel that relevant unless/until I'm in a relationship.

    I'm very into a coworker. It used to torture me, because he's super friendly towards me but I can't quite read whether he's into me and workplace dynamics make it tough and risky to make a move. Swiping on either genders in dating apps isn't fulfilling because, like you, I couldn't get my mind off of this person.

    If you're feeling like it's leading to depression consider seeing a therapist. Feelings towards this person can easily consume you - acknowledge the feelings, but realize they're just thoughts and don't become "stuck" by them. Instead engage yourself in things that you enjoy to help you get your mind off of this person. This will remind you of your own values and strengths, and how awesome *you* are. If someone isn't interested in you, that's okay - it's their loss. In your case, it sounds as though this person might not be ready to admit their feelings towards you. In time they may, but you shouldn't necessarily wait around suffering with negative thoughts in the meantime. Instead have a bias towards action and self-compassion.
    Jun 21, 2018 0
  • Atlassian tONb37
    What everyone else has said about sexuality in general. Do what makes you happy, don't get hung up on labels, and don't worry about having to be "out" (whatever that even means jn 2018) if you don't want to be

    That said, I'll also give the same advice I'd give someone in the same situation but with a member of the opposite sex: if you and he were going to hook up it would have happened by now, and waiting around for someone to be into you who isn't (even if they are friendly in an ambiguous way) is just keeping yourself from meeting someone who IS into you.
    Jun 16, 2018 0
  • Facebook Almostdone
    You know what you want, you are not confused regarding that anymore. Now go get it, make your self fulfilled.
    Jun 16, 2018 0
  • Google / Eng 🍑☁️
    Congratulations on not being monosexual! It's more fun
    Jun 16, 2018 0
  • Cisco pgong
    Women are overrated. Go for the guy!
    Jun 16, 2018 1
    • Amazon DLgT03
      Shiiiiiiiiiiiit thats a damn lie. Women are the most gorgeous thing God has ever made
      Jun 16, 2018
  • Oracle / Ops ダイノ🐶
    You’re allowed to love whoever you want.

    You don’t need to give yourself a label.
    Jun 16, 2018 0