How to deal with questioning sexuality in late 20s
I went through high school and college dating women and actually (I thought) I was a pretty standard hetero guy.
Since I got hired in at Amazon 3.5 years ago it naturally has necessitated a continuous stream of trips to Seattle, and on the first trip I went to a restaurant and got hit on by a very feminine guy who was my bartender. He bought me a few drinks and I ended up in a super captivating conversation with him that lasted a long time, he got off his shift and we ended up going to another bar and drinking more, and actually ended up kissing before leaving the bar. I never saw him again.
What I felt that night felt so good that I went on a few dates with guys from Tinder the next few times I was in Seattle. Nothing ever came of that. But now for about two years me and a childhood friend who’s 4 years younger than me have gotten extremely close, closer than I ever thought I’d be to a guy. We’ve vacationed together, literally spent every weekend together, gone to dinner and just stared into each other’s eyes for a half hour, even slept in the same bed together, but every time I try to make a physical advance I get denied and he claims he “isn’t gay and eventually wants to find a girlfriend”. And then 3 minutes later he’ll be critiquing the plants and paint color in front of my house and complementing my hair.
Meanwhile I get continuous questions from my family about why I’ve stopped finding girlfriends (I blamed it on work which given Amazon’s reputation nobody questions), and my other friends keep trying to find me dates, but I’m finding I just don’t have an interest in dating a woman because I’m super attracted to this guy.
I’ve thought about getting involved in a group like Glamazon but this basically seems like outing myself to my coworkers which I don’t know if I’m ready for yet. But on the other hand I can feel the situation with my attraction to my friend who claims he is straight throwing me into extremely deep depression and really destroying me mentally.
Any advice on how to get through something like this? Anything I should stay away from, be careful of, explore more deeply, etc? Open to all suggestions