How to keep a good partner?

Google / Eng
sweswe

Google Eng

PRE
LinkedIn, Facebook
sweswemore
Jan 27, 2018 60 Comments

Was lucky enough to fall into a relationship with a great guy and am getting married soon. We've dated 8 months and everything has been fairly smooth so far, I feel incredibly grateful. Its so good that I am very scared it won't last and often worry about whether I would do something stupid to damage the relationship (is there a relationship equivalent of imposter syndrome?), havent told that to him though. How do I best ensure I am a wife he wants to keep? I am 26, average looking, working on getting fitter with better grooming. He loves me for my intellect and how caring I am. He's an introverted geek/nerd, possibly on the autism spectrum and fits what I recently learnt about 'autistic savant' (I haven't seen rainman yet). I wish keeping him happy came naturally to me - i am caring but I do have a problem of being too self-absorbed in my work/reading to the exclusion of everything else. So far he likes it because he's getting way more space than he expected in the relationship, but I don't know if it will irk him later that I worry about making money and doing better work more than i worry about him and what he needs. Thanks for reading and for your time.

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TOP 60 Comments
  • Microsoft iHigh
    As a coder I found that as long as I sincerely care about my code, everything else can be fixed. My code blew in production a few times, but it was always possible to fix things as long as I continued to care. Man this weed is good.
    Jan 27, 2018 2
    • Google / Eng
      sweswe

      Google Eng

      PRE
      LinkedIn, Facebook
      sweswemore
      OP
      I get what you are saying iHigh, but the thing with code is that most of the time you are dealing with a deterministic sequence of events that can be replayed and redone correctly (unless you are dealing with a heisenbug or doing fancy machine learning stuff which I don't do). I wish that was the case with humans. Can't tell him, don't sulk with me, let's just replay last night and I'll do whatever you wanted the way you wanted.
      Jan 27, 2018
    • Microsoft / Eng AssWiggle
      Lol
      Jan 28, 2018
  • Facebook Happy2
    Guys are fairly simple. Have sex regularly and talk to him about things that interest him sometimes. Do stuff together that is fun. Have your own interests that you do on your own sometimes and share what you care about with him.
    Repeat with at least a few significant interactions every week and he should be happy for a very long time.
    Source: I'm a guy.
    Disclaimer: Everyone is different so maybe this won't work with every guy (but I still suspect it should work for at least half of the hetero make population)
    Jan 27, 2018 3
    • Google / Eng
      sweswe

      Google Eng

      PRE
      LinkedIn, Facebook
      sweswemore
      OP
      Thanks, that sounds pretty doable.
      Jan 27, 2018
    • Synopsys wqdl26
      This is both an over simplification and spot on at the same time. As a male this post is in line with me; just understand it’s a high level summarization.

      The autism is wrench I don’t know.

      However, read the book Five Love languages and figure out what is his and what is yours. Learn to your express love in his and he needs to learn to express in yours. The key is to not lose the emotional bond and keep strengthening it.

      Lastly do NOT rush into marriage. You don’t sound confident that you can attract another “match” for yourself. That’s untrue. You can. So only go into this if you honestly love each other...
      Jan 28, 2018
    • Amazon / Eng 🍌Perks!🍌
      I’m a guy and I confirm, but I’d like to add something. I think it is necessary for a couple to be able to evolve together.
      Jan 30, 2018
  • Microsoft Joe bob
    He is lucky to have you. You are lucky to have each other.
    Jan 27, 2018 0
  • LinkedIn fuzz
    Marriage works best when both parties think they got the better end of the deal. It's awful being married to someone who thinks they could do much better than you.
    Jan 27, 2018 1
    • Facebook Onegin
      Good advice
      Feb 22, 2018
  • Apple 3eta
    To be honest, you should be worried you might lose your interest in him just as much you are worried he’ll lose interest in you. 8 months is pretty early in the relationship and at this point people often are trying to look better in their partner’s eyes and also look at their partner through a pair of pink colored glasses. Around the second year the reality starts getting through and adjustment is often a challenge when you realize your partner is not perfect, just an ordinary human being with his quirks. From this perspective, the sooner you stop worrying he will not love you for who you are and show him exactly who you are, the better. I.e. it is perfectly fine to be highly excited about your work and career as long as your partner can see it from the start and is the type of person who is attracted to career-oriented people. Don’t try to please him to the point when you start losing yourself. Not only you will lose yourself, but also he won’t appreciate you t in the long run. The best couples I’ve seen are the ones that are fully self-sufficient individuals, they can be independent, yet they share the same interests or hobbies and it is just fun to be around each other and spend time together.
    Jan 27, 2018 1
    • Cruise Automation / Eng
      +1. Personally I think it's a good idea to wait to date over a year before you get married because you need to wait for honeymoon phase to go away and see what reality is like.
      Jan 28, 2018
  • This comment was deleted by original commenter.

    • Google / Eng
      sweswe

      Google Eng

      PRE
      LinkedIn, Facebook
      sweswemore
      OP
      How long have you been married bag? I am a bit skeptical of your advice because "marriage is a dance" is what I had heard from a guy before either of us were old enough to date. It seems like cheesy teenager speak :(
      Jan 27, 2018
  • Microsoft sweetride
    Damn this feels so rare in today's world that it almost appears fake. Full points if true feeling.
    Jan 27, 2018 0
  • Oracle ddcjutdcbj
    Consider yourself lucky and stop worrying.
    Jan 27, 2018 0
  • Facebook manic
    Why getting married if unsure? That's quick. It's okay to date a person seriously for years. Speak with people that dated for 5+ years before getting they got married. Those couple talk about common benchmarks that happens around 2-3 year mark, things I never thought of cause my relationships never last that long.
    Jan 27, 2018 7
    • Cruise Automation / Eng
      +1 to this advice
      Jan 28, 2018
    • Google no@google
      Unreal.
      Jan 28, 2018
    • Facebook Happy2
      I'm scared to death that if I share my evaluation then things will get a heck of a lot worse, e.g. oh if you think I'm not doing enough then I'll do nothing and see how you like it then.
      Jan 28, 2018
    • Facebook manic
      Holding it inside might be best case scenario. For me, MM or MS is an awful place to be. As an employee I have clear metrics and know when I'm failing, but I would feel horrible if I disappointed a partner year after year and not known about it. That's me though. And divorces are messy.
      Jan 28, 2018
    • Cruise Automation / Eng
      Yeah, no to the rubric
      Jan 28, 2018
  • Uber / Eng
    Rqwx5o

    Uber Eng

    PRE
    Google
    Rqwx5omore
    Don't get fat and things will be great
    Jan 27, 2018 3
    • Google / Eng
      sweswe

      Google Eng

      PRE
      LinkedIn, Facebook
      sweswemore
      OP
      Good advice!
      Jan 27, 2018
    • Google no@google
      Yeah cuz who could love anyone if they're fat. So rude.
      Jan 28, 2018
    • Uber / Eng
      Rqwx5o

      Uber Eng

      PRE
      Google
      Rqwx5omore
      Maybe they can, maybe they can't. Odds wouldn't be in your favor despite what the "official" statements are
      Jan 28, 2018
  • Microsoft / Eng craplach42
    Does he yell “rrrrrrREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE” when he has an orgasm?
    Jan 27, 2018 2
    • Google / Eng
      sweswe

      Google Eng

      PRE
      LinkedIn, Facebook
      sweswemore
      OP
      I don't get it. What's the context? And no, he doesn't.
      Jan 27, 2018
    • Amazon sp9bp4
      ITT: autism dating autism. You are a great fit for each other.
      Jan 28, 2018
  • Microsoft Fjord25
    Woman Engineer here, about to celebrate 20 years of marriage. First, don't listen to any of the crap-advices-from-the-50s about "staying beautiful for your husband", or matching any similar superficial standards.

    Having sex is great, but over the years you will find out that desire cannot be always summoned and when you guys have rough times (individually or as a couple), sex is likely to be affected. And, then, what will you do? Sex is just a happy consequence of a loving, deep relationship, it is not the other way around.

    And if you truly want the real, deep relationship, there is only one way : establish absolute trust and honesty. You seem to not only love each other, but care both deeply for each other, which is foundational.

    Now, if you want this mutual feeling to grow in depth over time, don't be afraid to share your respective vulnerabilties.

    Over time, I found out that it is ok to share the deepest of my vulnerabilities, and make my husband feel that he is absolutely safe to share his too (I totally admire him, and he comes from a "boys don't cry" harsh, traditional education. Although he still hates "whining", he learnt how important and beneficial it is to him to share his "things"). We have been able to build together a safe space of exchanges together : it took years to build this, but it was worth it.

    Ultimately, I believe that a mature, loving couple understands that each person is permanently saving the other one, and vice versa.
    Jan 28, 2018 1
    • Google / Eng
      sweswe

      Google Eng

      PRE
      LinkedIn, Facebook
      sweswemore
      OP
      Thanks for taking the time and effort to write this. Hard to fully grasp this in one read, but I get the drift and will keep going back to this response.
      Jan 28, 2018
  • Boeing tacos7
    My wife and I were engaged 6 months into our relationship and married 14 months into it. Happily married for 4 years now. My advice would be to first get pre-marital counseling. This will help you to have discussions you might not have had or even thought about. Everything from finances and careers to cooking and cleaning. Finances are incredibly important, the majority of divorces are caused by money issues. Second, both of you find a married friend who has a good marriage and have a sort of marriage mentor. Get together once a month for a coffee or a drink and discuss what's going on. Make sure these are people you trust. Third, communication. Everyone says communication, but it's true. Be open and honest. Marriage is alot of work. But anything worth having takes work.
    Jan 28, 2018 0
  • Amazon cris
    You don’t need to do anything. Just live your life, do your own thing, do whatever interests you. If he really loves you - he loves you for who you are, if not, then you don’t need to be with him. Simple :) be there for him when he needs you, listen to him as long as he is doing the same for you. That’s it: if you love each other and communicate and be honest with each other, there is nothing more you need to do.
    Jan 27, 2018 0
  • New / Eng
    RollinUp

    New Eng

    PRE
    McGraw-Hill Education
    RollinUpmore
    You got married way too soon and rushed it. 8 months you barely know someone yet. Not saying it's doomed, but you shot yourself in the foot and are expecting people to praise you for being a great runner.
    Jan 27, 2018 2
    • Cruise Automation / Eng
      She can still salvage it by having a long engagement.
      Jan 28, 2018
    • New / Eng
      RollinUp

      New Eng

      PRE
      McGraw-Hill Education
      RollinUpmore
      Oh sorry. Just shot a toe off then.
      Jan 28, 2018
  • Intuit / Eng
    CKit80

    Intuit Eng

    PRE
    sb-architects
    CKit80more
    Boy, the guy is lucky. Most of close males in my life, myself included love space for themselves and you are naturally like it ! Do girls like you exist? Just stay slim, you will do wonderful
    Jan 27, 2018 2
    • Google no@google
      Seriously what is with the weight obsession? You can really only love thin people? And no I'm not fat or female. Some of you bros are real prizes.
      Jan 28, 2018
    • Intuit / Eng
      CKit80

      Intuit Eng

      PRE
      sb-architects
      CKit80more
      Well everybody has their likes! I like slim people( not thin ) ! Of course , fat people are wonderful too!
      Jan 28, 2018
  • Apple Handb9183
    Well, hopefully after you see Rainman, you can more accurately diagnose him as being on the autism spectrum or being a savant.

    For real, though, my son has autism. And every time someone brings up that movie I want to punch them in the face for being so god damn stupid and insensitive.
    Jan 27, 2018 2
    • Google / Eng
      sweswe

      Google Eng

      PRE
      LinkedIn, Facebook
      sweswemore
      OP
      I am sorry that my post was offensive, Handb9183. I am only beginning to learn, because I met him, and because he said he suspects he was autistic as a kid. I probably would not have found out otherwise, being someone who was an introverted geek herself up till early twenties. I will appreciate any tips or pointers you have for me.
      Jan 27, 2018
    • Apple Handb9183
      There’s such thing as autistic as a kid. It’s not something you outgrow, any more than you outgrow having what we used to call juvenile diabetes.

      If your partner is curious, he should talk to a medical professional and not people on a social networking site.
      Jan 29, 2018
  • Amazon Max Powers
    8 months (red flag)
    Jan 28, 2018 0
  • Microsoft broom
    Be true to yourself and him, be authentic and genuine rather than fake. Get to know what he likes and doesn't. To fall in love and be loved is rare. Cherish it. Face issues head on rather than letting them brew. Enjoy, cherish and capture every moment and stop worrying. It's you not being yourself and trying to be what he wants that can kill a relationship - because over time that will break your nerves. Stop worrying. Very very happy for you.
    Jan 28, 2018 0
  • Read the book ‘quiet’, you both are probably introverts, and introverts need space. Don’t assume you would need to show him how much you love him constantly like an extrovert, give him space probably would be much better than ‘annoying’ him with what you ‘think’ would be good for him. Don’t try to be someone else, he likes to be with you because you are you. Congrats btw - for the fact you already found each other :-).
    Jan 28, 2018 0

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