Relationships

How to safely friendzone people

Google
tsukino

Google

BIO
w
tsukinomore
Mar 9

Virtually every time I reject a confession/proposal (usually in a graceful manner) or they realize I am not interested, we almost instantly disintegrate into distant acquaintances or even strangers. This has happened all too often in my personal life.

I just want to maintain platonic friendship, not "benefits" or marriage. How can I stop losing best friends while peacefully keeping them in the friendzone?

(Please advise sincerely. No trolls.)

comments

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  • Oracle k-9
    You cannot have consistency , availability and partitioning at the same time. I am applying CAP theorem to your problem. Not trolling but there is a logic in here.
    Mar 93
    • VMware kurb
      Mar 9
    • Oracle k-9
      😁😁😆
      Mar 9
    • Google
      tsukino

      Google

      BIO
      w
      tsukinomore
      OP
      LOL'd so hard at this
      Mar 9
  • Lyft swetool
    Grow up
    Mar 910
    • Google
      tsukino

      Google

      BIO
      w
      tsukinomore
      OP
      What does this even mean? Are you saying I should give up on having friends? Or develop better social skills? Or does my writing style sound too sophomoric? Is asking for social guidance a juvenile act? Would appreciate a more specific tip than merely general abstract maturity.
      Mar 9
    • Google
      tsukino

      Google

      BIO
      w
      tsukinomore
      OP
      Also, I thought that resisting one's carnal desire and not succumbing to the temptation of aggressively pursuing another person for a single purpose is more mature than having an emotional fit by burning old bridges. Isn't maintaining connections in one's network part of being a sensible adult? Please elaborate.
      Mar 9
    • Uber fricker
      Relax loool
      Mar 9
    • Google
      tsukino

      Google

      BIO
      w
      tsukinomore
      OP
      k
      Mar 9
    • Oracle xPNo42
      Hilarious. I would have expected this out of Uber but Lyft too?
      Mar 12
    • Lyft swetool
      It’s a troll post dumbass
      Mar 12
    • Oracle xPNo42
      A troll explaining their troll post? Amateurs at Lyft. You should go review some Uber troll posts to see how it's supposed to be done.
      Mar 12
    • Lyft swetool
      The OP is a troll you fucking dumbass
      Mar 12
    • Oracle xPNo42
      Not nice to call someone that wants platonic friendship a troll.
      Mar 12
    • Lyft swetool
      From the bottom of my heart go fuck yourself
      Mar 12
  • Salesforce guavacado
    You generally can't. If the other party feels emotions you don't, they have to distance themselves to protect from feeling hurt. It's not personal.
    Mar 92
    • Google
      tsukino

      Google

      BIO
      w
      tsukinomore
      OP
      I am not judging them and do wish to provide emotional comfort as well as professional support. How can this be expressed more clearly?
      Mar 9
    • Salesforce guavacado
      The general tactic is to set expectations early. Be sure to mention your spouse's existence in some form. "This last weekend was great because my husband and I did X"

      You can do that even if not married. Cite a boyfriend or girlfriend. Or just lying when shooting them down by saying you're flattered, and might otherwise have been interested, but you're already tied down
      Mar 9
  • Oath Hd7lNc2bK
    They are clearly not looking for platonic friendships then, no point forcing that on them. Good news is that they probably weren't real "best friends" if it does indeed happen.
    Mar 90
  • Friend some gay dudes
    Mar 90
  • eBay abababbb
    Maybe find yourself some female friends you weirdo! 😉
    Mar 93
    • Google
      tsukino

      Google

      BIO
      w
      tsukinomore
      OP
      around 50%-50% atm, based on contacts list
      Mar 9
    • eBay abababbb
      You must be all in for diversity quotas
      Mar 9
    • Google
      tsukino

      Google

      BIO
      w
      tsukinomore
      OP
      Okay, I will friend some LGBTQs.
      Mar 9
  • If they don’t want to be friends, why force them? Let it go.
    Mar 94
    • Oracle sW$-pn
      She like the attention, future option when everything else fails, or simply maybe keep them around to make them work chores or make her feel important.
      Mar 9
    • Google
      tsukino

      Google

      BIO
      w
      tsukinomore
      OP
      This is an invalid assumption on so many levels.
      Mar 9
    • Oracle sW$-pn
      Obviously it is. It is my opinion do fully reflects what I think. I don’t know you. But past experience, your tone in writing convinced me to feel this way.
      Mar 9
    • SAP Berni
      Well, next time, stop making unsubstantiated assumptions
      Mar 10
  • Navy Federal Credit Union Jugk53
    your motivation is impure. relationships are a two way street, if you know they want more and you are friend zoning them you are being selfish and dishonest. just cut them loose and pursue honest friendships. also not all friendships are meant to last, learn to be comfortable walking away from relationships that aren’t working out.
    Mar 99
    • Google
      tsukino

      Google

      BIO
      w
      tsukinomore
      OP
      My motivations are as pure as crystal, and prefer to stay physically untouched. Why can't we just be purely platonic friends?
      Mar 9
    • Navy Federal Credit Union Jugk53
      not trolling or trying to question your morals. you can’t have one sided relationships with people. it’s not fair to the other person that you are getting what you want out of a relationship and they aren’t. if they aren’t emotionally mature enough to adjust expectations or leave the relationship on their own, it’s your obligation to do so, as you have less investment and the power position in this dynamic.
      Mar 9
    • Google
      tsukino

      Google

      BIO
      w
      tsukinomore
      OP
      "investment"... "power position"... sounds like dirty business, directly opposite to my intentions
      Mar 9
    • Navy Federal Credit Union Jugk53
      your looking at it from just your perspective. if you want to grow you have to be willing to put yourself in other peoples shoes. there is always a time and emotional investment in a relationship. no matter what relationship you are in there is always a power dynamic. you need to consider these aspects of a relationship to navigate them successfully.
      Mar 9
    • Google
      tsukino

      Google

      BIO
      w
      tsukinomore
      OP
      you are probably right about that... guess I am too carefree and naive
      Mar 9
    • Microsoft
      MP3

      Microsoft

      BIO
      Troll living under the I-5 overpass
      MP3more
      “guess I am too carefree and naive” I think the word you’re looking for is solipsistic
      Mar 9
    • Amazon
      beedoop

      Amazon

      BIO
      Brb bio.
      beedoopmore
      Hence the first advice: “grow the fuck up”.
      Mar 9
    • Google
      tsukino

      Google

      BIO
      w
      tsukinomore
      OP
      The first "advice" was phrased more like a childish insult than useful information. But the feedback here is better explained. Thank you.
      Mar 9
    • Guidewire Califrag
      Dumbass.
      Mar 10
  • I’ll give it a try. You may not realize it, but you asking this question is like a rich person asking how he can build strong relationships with poorer people when they often ask him for money and feel distance and rejected when he says no. How should the rich person convince the poor person that it’s best for everyone if they keep money out of their friendship?

    It’s hard to pull off, because it’s actually part of the much bigger and seemingly intractable problem of societal inequities, since we can think of physically romantic relationships as a kind of resource (there are a limited number of people, limited number of available people, limited number of available attractive (subjectively) people; and our monogamous society makes this a winner-takes-all dynamic). I think men without emotional support and physicality feel poor in a way, regardless of whether it’s their fault or not.

    So how do you convince your poorer friends that they should stay friends with you, even though you, a rich person sympathetic to their needs, do not “help” them? From your perspective, which I think is the most level-headed perspective, to “help” them would be to hurt them, and would be unwise. But for them to stay your friend after you hand down this decision, you basically need them to see this wisdom, despite the need they still feel. This is hard in the way that telling a hungry poor person that they shouldn’t eat McDonald’s and instead wait/spend more on healthy food. It’s possible to do, but it may require a ton of energy on your part to accomplish, because you need to make them trust you, but without giving them any emotional/physical commitments, and this takes a lot of time and finesse. I think the real question is whether you care enough about these people to teach them the wisdom of your decision (keeping in mind that you carry some risk in investing all that time and energy, since the person you’re trying to make a platonic friend could just give up and write you off as unsympathetic).
    Mar 90
  • Oracle corlrkdn
    You can keep orbiters if hot enough.
    Mar 90
  • I’ll be helpful and give you a pointer I’ve used in the past. If you want to be friends with someone who’s interested in you romantically, you must have a value proposition beyond the romantic nature of your relationship/friendship.

    Are you able to provide any career advantage somehow to the other person? An example of that would be - you have a large network of VIPs and your friend wants to be friends with you for your connections.

    Do you have the potential of helping the other person with anything they may do in the future? Are you capable of being a co-founder if they might start a business? Or can you contribute something to enrich their life somehow?

    If the answer is yes, and the more yes answers you have, the more likely they’ll be your friends if you aren’t interested in dating them.
    Mar 93
    • Google
      tsukino

      Google

      BIO
      w
      tsukinomore
      OP
      Great answer. This is exactly the quality of response I was hoping for.
      Mar 9
    • Normally I charge for this kind of insight. 😉😘💁🏽‍♀️
      Mar 9
    • Google / Eng
      justinbbr

      GoogleEng

      PRE
      Qualcomm
      justinbbrmore
      This--^
      Mar 9
  • Facebook QIXQ16
    I think you need to consider that many, if not most or all, of these people only appeared to be friends because they had ulterior motives. I don't think getting bent out of shape over a used car salesperson who was friendly but you didn't buy from is healthy.

    If you really cared for them as a friend, just acknowledge that finding a partner is a priority for them and they may want to dedicate a substantial portion of their time to figuring that out, which could either include you if you're willing to spend time helping them or not include you if you have no interest; if you shared no hobbies with your friend neither of you is obliged to participate, but no one should begrudge the company either.
    Mar 90
  • New
    nfs

    New

    PRE
    Booking.com
    nfsmore
    If they have spouses, they are less likely to be intrested in you romanticlly.
    But, if they are single and interested, be glad that you are honest with them and they are with you regarding the intentions.

    Learning how to "friendzone" a guy that likes you puts them in an endless torment of wanting smth they can never get. Now ask yourself, is that how you would like to treat them? Is this how you would like to be treated by others?
    Mar 97
    • PayPal roughpatch
      Good one. I recommend OP to be friends with her Dad or someone treats her like a daughter.
      Mar 9
    • Google
      tsukino

      Google

      BIO
      w
      tsukinomore
      OP
      I prefer to keep my independence and would rather not be treated like a daughter
      Mar 9
    • PayPal roughpatch
      Similarly guys don’t wanna be friend zoned too. Stop fucking hearts. Friend zone is different from friendship.
      Mar 9
    • SAP Berni
      Roughpatch, are you reading too much into things? You make it sound as if OP is intentionally 'fucking hearts'. If guys don't wanna be friend zoned, they needn't be. Nobody's forcing them. OP isn't ensnaring them & THEN breaking their hearts! Get real
      Mar 10
    • PayPal roughpatch
      Berni, you high bro?
      Mar 10
    • SAP Berni
      'Bro'? Assumptions much?
      Mar 10
    • PayPal roughpatch
      What else can I do anonymously? It would have only be judged worst had it been a babe instead of bro.. Right? Anyways that’s off topic.
      Mar 10
  • Decipher Technology Studios qdrm58
    I have a female friend who regularly complains about similar situation. She would hang out with a dude few times, then he tries to get romantic. She says no, then he disappears. One time she invited four different dudes to a house party. The dudes talked and quickly realized they were all friendzoned hard. She doesnt do it maliciously, but she is terribly unaware of the effect she has on lonely tech autistics. Now she is dating an alpha tech bro and stopped hanging out with beta males. Go figure.
    Mar 93
    • Microsoft Ipoi03
      What's an alpha tech bro?
      Mar 9
    • Decipher Technology Studios qdrm58
      an alpha male who's also a tech bro
      Mar 10
    • Microsoft Ipoi03
      What's a tech bro?
      Mar 10
  • Boeing mSQV31
    Start hanging out with dudes outside of tech, and guys who have been out of college for a while. Normal, well adjusted people don’t have a problem with this. Autistic tech guys (like here on Blind) are the only ones who can’t maintain a friendship with a woman.
    Mar 92
    • Lockheed Martin ¦¬
      This is also true ^ it's easier when the person has been on a relationship before because they know how they work.
      Mar 9
    • Google
      tsukino

      Google

      BIO
      w
      tsukinomore
      OP
      This sounds like good advice. Thank you.
      Mar 9
  • Microsoft oMAG58
    If a stray dog comes to you while you're eating and you are friendly to it but you don't feed it, it will keep waiting for you to feed it. If you yelled at it to go away, it may have already found someone willing to adopt it and feed it. Instead you are just keeping it guessing and wondering when you will feed it. Let them go.
    Mar 110
  • Amazon burnt_0ut
    I have some amazing platonic relationships with women, and have even when I was single. I have even loved a few of them, not in a romantic way, but an “I’d go through fire to help you and not expect anything in return” kind of way, and the feeling has been mutual.

    The reason the relationships explode is that they aren’t mutual. The guy needs to want to stay friends as much as you do, and not have any lingering feelings left over. It takes some growing up to accept someone like this.

    Some guys will stay friends and pounce when the woman is vulnerable (seem that mentioned on blind and seen it happen). Beware of that. But some of it may have to do with (a) them feeling let on and then disappointed, (b) you realizing they have feelings for you and you don’t return them so you let them down too hard, or (c) you don’t put enough into the friendship and they can’t do all the work because it’s too painful.

    I’ve seen all of those play out, with men and women on all sides. My brother does this to girls and it irks them to no end. It’s still why to this day I wouldn’t set him up with any of my single friends.
    Mar 90
  • Dell / Eng
    //////

    DellEng

    PRE
    Dell EMC
    //////more
    It's possible but would require a lot of effort if they're physically attracted to you. I have a few platonic female friends but we're purely activity based, e.g. the theatre friend, the live music friend, the dinner friend .. clearly define the relationship for a few months, suggest specific activities and *don't* take them home with you :-)
    Mar 90
  • Boeing mSQV31
    Bunch of salty incels in here.
    Mar 112
    • Snapchat Timstammy
      "everybody I disagree with on anything related to relationships is an incel"
      Mar 11
    • Oracle xPNo42
      Boeing don't you have more important things to worry about right now?
      Mar 12
  • eBay abababbb
    It sounds like you are one of those who want to maintain “platonic friends” to boost their confidence..why would you want platonic friends? Why does it happen to you frequently? Cause probably it’s what you want..no man wants platonic friends they either want friends or sexual partners
    Mar 111
    • Amazon burnt_0ut
      Some of us want platonic friends because our families sucked growing up. Mine certainly did. So I have my close work friends and my wife and kiddos—and that’s my family. It isn’t about boosting confidence. It’s about having more love in your life, and there’s more to love than a sexual relationship. A really amazing platonic relationship can be very sustaining. Besides, our spouses and SOs are not supposed to be our everything. That’s a myth.
      Mar 11
  • I don’t know your exact circumstances, but here are some rough ideas: Focus more on group activities, less on 1:1. Be less flirty, and more genuine.
    Mar 91
    • Amazon burnt_0ut
      ^^This. If you don’t like him I’m going to borrow something out of the interview playbook: “be personable but not personal”. It’ll be very clear that you’re not interested in him in that way without causing harm.
      Mar 9
  • Microsoft pJcW86
    It boils down to what can you offer. I've asked girls out and gotten "lets just be friends". I cut off contact cause there is no value in the relationship anymore and I'm not going to share my knowledge or network just to be nice. The getting rejected part is a negative in whether I want to keep you as a friend or not. If you introduce me to your friends for instance then I'd consider keeping you as a friend and keeping in touch.

    I've only kept one who rejected me as a friend because I still care for them as a friend.

    On the flip side I haven't been able to figure out how to friendzone women I reject (stringing them along is not an option).
    Mar 110
  • Twitter / EngzeCE27
    Befriend handsome men.
    Mar 100
  • Lockheed Martin ¦¬
    It's usually helpful to already have a long term partner, otherwise they're always going to think they have a shot (even with someone long term, they may think that). Unfortunately, the easiest way to have platonic friends is to be friends as a couple with another couple.
    Mar 90
  • Capital One tcSN67
    If the friendship doesn't work out because you rejected them then it's completely their fault and they aren't even good friends to being with.
    Mar 90
  • VMware kurb
    All you can do is tell them you can be friends. It’s upto them whether they want to stay friends and not your call to ‘keep them in the friendzone’
    Mar 90
  • Microsoft p95
    Why not have best friends of the same gender?
    Mar 93
    • Google
      tsukino

      Google

      BIO
      w
      tsukinomore
      OP
      I am not sure... even though I try to be open, it is hard because they are not as interested in me as the opposite sex
      Mar 9
    • Microsoft p95
      Well you should debug this. Normally it’s hard to have opposite sex friendships where both are single. One side will inevitably have wants and desires that will cloud the whole experience.
      Mar 9
    • Amazon
      beedoop

      Amazon

      BIO
      Brb bio.
      beedoopmore
      This is a toxic af answer.
      Mar 9
  • Facebook datKanga
    Lol troll
    Mar 92
    • Google
      tsukino

      Google

      BIO
      w
      tsukinomore
      OP
      nope, I am human
      Mar 9
    • Lyft swetool
      Elite troll
      Mar 11
  • Microsoft / Eng
    tarasenko

    MicrosoftEng

    PRE
    Microsoft, Grab
    tarasenkomore
    Damn you must have broken a lot of hearts
    Mar 120
  • Microsoft pJcW86
    Also, how are you getting these said friends? It sounds like you are leading them on and then they get all mad when you say just be friends.
    Mar 110
  • Amazon cupcake🧁
    Speaking from experience, nothing works. They are not looking for platonic friendship so why expect that?
    Mar 90
  • Google
    tsukino

    Google

    BIO
    w
    tsukinomore
    OP
    *edited to be more gender-neutral/inclusive - thanks for the lovely humor from Blind community, but I am still interested in actual suggestions (as to "how")
    Mar 90
  • PayPal roughpatch
    Be friends with your dad!
    Mar 90

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