Virtually every time I reject a confession/proposal (usually in a graceful manner) or they realize I am not interested, we almost instantly disintegrate into distant acquaintances or even strangers. This has happened all too often in my personal life.
I just want to maintain platonic friendship, not "benefits" or marriage. How can I stop losing best friends while peacefully keeping them in the friendzone?
(Please advise sincerely. No trolls.)
- Oracle k-9You cannot have consistency , availability and partitioning at the same time. I am applying CAP theorem to your problem. Not trolling but there is a logic in here.
- What does this even mean? Are you saying I should give up on having friends? Or develop better social skills? Or does my writing style sound too sophomoric? Is asking for social guidance a juvenile act? Would appreciate a more specific tip than merely general abstract maturity.Mar 94
- Also, I thought that resisting one's carnal desire and not succumbing to the temptation of aggressively pursuing another person for a single purpose is more mature than having an emotional fit by burning old bridges. Isn't maintaining connections in one's network part of being a sensible adult? Please elaborate.Mar 94
- You generally can't. If the other party feels emotions you don't, they have to distance themselves to protect from feeling hurt. It's not personal.
- The general tactic is to set expectations early. Be sure to mention your spouse's existence in some form. "This last weekend was great because my husband and I did X"
You can do that even if not married. Cite a boyfriend or girlfriend. Or just lying when shooting them down by saying you're flattered, and might otherwise have been interested, but you're already tied downMar 95
- your motivation is impure. relationships are a two way street, if you know they want more and you are friend zoning them you are being selfish and dishonest. just cut them loose and pursue honest friendships. also not all friendships are meant to last, learn to be comfortable walking away from relationships that aren’t working out.
- not trolling or trying to question your morals. you can’t have one sided relationships with people. it’s not fair to the other person that you are getting what you want out of a relationship and they aren’t. if they aren’t emotionally mature enough to adjust expectations or leave the relationship on their own, it’s your obligation to do so, as you have less investment and the power position in this dynamic.Mar 93
- your looking at it from just your perspective. if you want to grow you have to be willing to put yourself in other peoples shoes. there is always a time and emotional investment in a relationship. no matter what relationship you are in there is always a power dynamic. you need to consider these aspects of a relationship to navigate them successfully.Mar 92
- New asteriskyI’ll give it a try. You may not realize it, but you asking this question is like a rich person asking how he can build strong relationships with poorer people when they often ask him for money and feel distance and rejected when he says no. How should the rich person convince the poor person that it’s best for everyone if they keep money out of their friendship?
It’s hard to pull off, because it’s actually part of the much bigger and seemingly intractable problem of societal inequities, since we can think of physically romantic relationships as a kind of resource (there are a limited number of people, limited number of available people, limited number of available attractive (subjectively) people; and our monogamous society makes this a winner-takes-all dynamic). I think men without emotional support and physicality feel poor in a way, regardless of whether it’s their fault or not.
So how do you convince your poorer friends that they should stay friends with you, even though you, a rich person sympathetic to their needs, do not “help” them? From your perspective, which I think is the most level-headed perspective, to “help” them would be to hurt them, and would be unwise. But for them to stay your friend after you hand down this decision, you basically need them to see this wisdom, despite the need they still feel. This is hard in the way that telling a hungry poor person that they shouldn’t eat McDonald’s and instead wait/spend more on healthy food. It’s possible to do, but it may require a ton of energy on your part to accomplish, because you need to make them trust you, but without giving them any emotional/physical commitments, and this takes a lot of time and finesse. I think the real question is whether you care enough about these people to teach them the wisdom of your decision (keeping in mind that you carry some risk in investing all that time and energy, since the person you’re trying to make a platonic friend could just give up and write you off as unsympathetic).
- I’ll be helpful and give you a pointer I’ve used in the past. If you want to be friends with someone who’s interested in you romantically, you must have a value proposition beyond the romantic nature of your relationship/friendship.
Are you able to provide any career advantage somehow to the other person? An example of that would be - you have a large network of VIPs and your friend wants to be friends with you for your connections.
Do you have the potential of helping the other person with anything they may do in the future? Are you capable of being a co-founder if they might start a business? Or can you contribute something to enrich their life somehow?
If the answer is yes, and the more yes answers you have, the more likely they’ll be your friends if you aren’t interested in dating them.
- Facebook QIXQ16I think you need to consider that many, if not most or all, of these people only appeared to be friends because they had ulterior motives. I don't think getting bent out of shape over a used car salesperson who was friendly but you didn't buy from is healthy.
If you really cared for them as a friend, just acknowledge that finding a partner is a priority for them and they may want to dedicate a substantial portion of their time to figuring that out, which could either include you if you're willing to spend time helping them or not include you if you have no interest; if you shared no hobbies with your friend neither of you is obliged to participate, but no one should begrudge the company either.
- New nfsmoreIf they have spouses, they are less likely to be intrested in you romanticlly.
But, if they are single and interested, be glad that you are honest with them and they are with you regarding the intentions.
Learning how to "friendzone" a guy that likes you puts them in an endless torment of wanting smth they can never get. Now ask yourself, is that how you would like to treat them? Is this how you would like to be treated by others?
- I have a female friend who regularly complains about similar situation. She would hang out with a dude few times, then he tries to get romantic. She says no, then he disappears. One time she invited four different dudes to a house party. The dudes talked and quickly realized they were all friendzoned hard. She doesnt do it maliciously, but she is terribly unaware of the effect she has on lonely tech autistics. Now she is dating an alpha tech bro and stopped hanging out with beta males. Go figure.
- Start hanging out with dudes outside of tech, and guys who have been out of college for a while. Normal, well adjusted people don’t have a problem with this. Autistic tech guys (like here on Blind) are the only ones who can’t maintain a friendship with a woman.
- Microsoft oMAG58If a stray dog comes to you while you're eating and you are friendly to it but you don't feed it, it will keep waiting for you to feed it. If you yelled at it to go away, it may have already found someone willing to adopt it and feed it. Instead you are just keeping it guessing and wondering when you will feed it. Let them go.
- I have some amazing platonic relationships with women, and have even when I was single. I have even loved a few of them, not in a romantic way, but an “I’d go through fire to help you and not expect anything in return” kind of way, and the feeling has been mutual.
The reason the relationships explode is that they aren’t mutual. The guy needs to want to stay friends as much as you do, and not have any lingering feelings left over. It takes some growing up to accept someone like this.
Some guys will stay friends and pounce when the woman is vulnerable (seem that mentioned on blind and seen it happen). Beware of that. But some of it may have to do with (a) them feeling let on and then disappointed, (b) you realizing they have feelings for you and you don’t return them so you let them down too hard, or (c) you don’t put enough into the friendship and they can’t do all the work because it’s too painful.
I’ve seen all of those play out, with men and women on all sides. My brother does this to girls and it irks them to no end. It’s still why to this day I wouldn’t set him up with any of my single friends.
- Dell / Eng//////moreIt's possible but would require a lot of effort if they're physically attracted to you. I have a few platonic female friends but we're purely activity based, e.g. the theatre friend, the live music friend, the dinner friend .. clearly define the relationship for a few months, suggest specific activities and *don't* take them home with you :-)
- It sounds like you are one of those who want to maintain “platonic friends” to boost their confidence..why would you want platonic friends? Why does it happen to you frequently? Cause probably it’s what you want..no man wants platonic friends they either want friends or sexual partners
- Some of us want platonic friends because our families sucked growing up. Mine certainly did. So I have my close work friends and my wife and kiddos—and that’s my family. It isn’t about boosting confidence. It’s about having more love in your life, and there’s more to love than a sexual relationship. A really amazing platonic relationship can be very sustaining. Besides, our spouses and SOs are not supposed to be our everything. That’s a myth.Mar 112
- Uber phlebotomyI don’t know your exact circumstances, but here are some rough ideas: Focus more on group activities, less on 1:1. Be less flirty, and more genuine.
- It boils down to what can you offer. I've asked girls out and gotten "lets just be friends". I cut off contact cause there is no value in the relationship anymore and I'm not going to share my knowledge or network just to be nice. The getting rejected part is a negative in whether I want to keep you as a friend or not. If you introduce me to your friends for instance then I'd consider keeping you as a friend and keeping in touch.
I've only kept one who rejected me as a friend because I still care for them as a friend.
On the flip side I haven't been able to figure out how to friendzone women I reject (stringing them along is not an option).