I posted a couple days ago under subject “Ultimatum for financially irresponsible wife.” The gist was that my wife spends all of our money, I can’t save or even talk to her about it without a fight, and she still calls me super cheap even though we currently have virtually no money in the bank (we gross $175k). Money is a huge problem in our relationship, and according to her it’s my being “sooo cheap” that is the problem. I was going to approach it with an ultimatum to put her on a budget or get separate accounts, or I’m done. Well, I searched her text messages on her macbook looking for clues that maybe she wants a divorce anyway. I didn’t find that, but what I found was hundreds if not thousands of texts with her mom, wherein she says terrible things, many of them about my family, that are either not true or grossly exaggurated. Basically she hates them. She fabricates reasons why they are rude and exclude her and don’t care about her, but it’s all in her head. You are going to have to take my word for it here. Her mom, who I love so much and has always been amazing, agrees 100% with EVERYTHING she says. I mean she really doubles down hard to validate all of my wife’s awful feelings. I don’t believe she ACTUALLY agrees with most it, but she knows her daughter and the wrath of disagreeing with her, and this is easier for her. But she’s completely condoning and encouraging this terrible behavior. I’ve lost so much respect. In the end, her mom’s willingness to be an agreeable sounding board contributed to the demise of this marriage, and that’s something she will have to live with. These messages are enough for me to end it, she’s either a bad person or crazy, or both. Here’s the question: do I tell her I read all these messages? I have about 100 pictures of the messages on the computer screen, backed them up in 2 places in the cloud and on 2 flash drives, so she can’t deny what was said. Is this how I end it, telling her I read all these things, or do I wait for the next fight and point out how incompatible and unhappy we obviously are? We fight very frequently and I don’t see it ever getting better. Either way she’ll play the victim, she always does. Sure I violated her privacy, but I’m done, her guilt trip won’t matter and what I did wasn’t illegal. Also, I have screenshots of texts between her and me that show how manipulative she really is. It’s worse than I remember, because I try to forget the fights and move on, and in my memory I think maybe it wasn’t as bad, or maybe I was in the wrong as well. But revisiting these conversations, I really tried and she is absolutely unreasonable. I love her but there are so many things I’m unhappy with, and these texts are the nail in the coffin. It’s a very hard decision to make. But I don’t deserve this. I REALLY love her 6 year old son, he doesn’t even know life without me, this is going to be so hard. And I love her family, I wish she felt the same about mine. I’m really going to miss all of them.
Totally Indian. Don't be cheap and spend that cash.
he explained everything in the post. Are you dumb or what?
Nehh. I would say simply ‘dumb’.
It's a partnership ... U guys need to find a middle ground ... If she is not ready to travel half distance then you can't keep travelling the other half. US cost of living is insanely high, unless you have a another country to run back to, be wise about your money. You are not spending your current money but destroying the retirement
Why show her you have read her texts? You already know what she did and validated your decision. What’s the point showing her the evidence? Just don’t give her the chance to play victim. And why do you need to wait for a fight? Can’t you have a civilized conversation together and go through the real reasons without mentioning the texts. From what I read I feel you don’t know how to communicate with your wife. Time for you to reflect on that
The one reason I can think of that would cause me to disagree with the assumption that OP doesn't need to tell her that he read them is that this newfound knowledge seems to be the straw that's breaking the camel's back. Not telling her means that she won't know the (real?) reason that it's over.
So you think the last straw is the real reason for a broken back? It’s merely a trigger. A person should not make decision by reacting to single events. A rational person uses logic and the full picture
The way you describe your wife, it appears she is very immature and lives in a bubble and no contact what's so ever with the reality. If u confront her she will explode and try to put it everything on you. Man you are in a tough spot, did u marry her willingly and never noticed this bihavior during dating ???
This reminded me of my ex gf 🤦
We had issues for sure before we got married, but I didn’t realize the extent financially right away. There were some definite red flags, but I wrote them off as imperfections, and I’m not perfect either. But this is out of hand. And the issues with my family didn’t get bigger until we got married, and I sure as hell didn’t know what she said behind my back, which are her true feelings.
Wait...*her* son? Ya dump that and never look back. No need to explain.
If she's Indian and her family lives in India then she will file 498a case on you and your family for mental torture and other false cases. This is a non bail able offense. Please lawyer up your ass before confronting her.
One text I saw was her complaining about her car. She totaled her $4k Mazda (that she was still making payments on), and I bought her a VW Jetta for $14k private party, great car great price. I found the same one (condition/mileage) at a dealer for $20k. She was saying that it was rude of me to be so cheap, I could have gotten her the same car but a bunch newer, like 1-2 years, instead of a 5 years old car. “What’s the point, it’s not much newer than what I had.” Well... it was under full warranty for another 4 months, so it was less than 3 years old. And what she had was I forget what year but like 8 years old. I was so hurt. How entitled and unappreciative. She'll never realize or appreciate what I do for her.
Wtf. Just serve her papers and bounce. Why did you write all this, are you looking for someone to tell you that you're making the right decision? You're making the right decision.
I wrote all this mostly for the question, do I or don’t I be honest about seeing the texts?
Don't mention the texts, you are your own person (in case you forgot) and don't owe anyone an explanation. Just serve her the papers and move out. If she asks, just say "I wanted a divorce." Easy.
Dang beat me to it
A little more helpful please. Do I confront her with the fact that I read these messages? She will absolutely act like I’m the bad guy destroying her life, at least if she knows I saw this stuff, maybe she’ll understand and not be SUCH a victim about it. But maybe I keep that to myself. I dont know. I don’t ever want my family to know the whole truth behind the things she has said, they would be SOOO hurt, even after we’re not together. They love her so much.