Husband Makes Less; He’s Cheap and Controlling

Adobe OpenRoad19
May 4 102 Comments

Throughout my entire life, I’ve made a lot more than the men I’ve been with long-term. None of them ever had an issue with it and I never had an issue with it, either - in other words, for my part, I’m humble and grew up blue collar, so I don’t buy many things or spend for the sake of spending. If I do need or want something, however, I always buy quality. I’m also not cheap with those near and dear to me, either, but I budget (for example, Christmas) and don’t go over-the-top but like to give lovingly.

I’ve been married for six years (and with my husband a total of seven years). As I get more successful, he is becoming more controlling (with money) and cheap. Before I married him, I was single on-and-off for five years having a lot of fun and enjoying myself after having been in a LTR with someone who broke my heart after 13 years. (This is important because I was very independent.)

Lately, my husband has been getting tighter with the purse strings and doesn’t like to spend money on things I want to do or buy, but has no issues with spending and has no issues spending it on his family - we send money to his parents monthly but also spent a lot when a family member visited recently or when we visit his parents. For the last couple of vacations, we’ve gone where he wants to go...and I’ve paid for them.

I’m getting frustrated, if not angry, because I’ve worked hard for the last 19 years to get where I am and have helped him pay off a lot of debt because he feels that I make more, I should contribute more. I pay 2/3 of the mortgage and most of the bills, as I make 2.5 times what he makes. We pool all of our money together and I sometimes feel we have a transactional relationship and he has this checklist/scoreboard of tit-for-tat (for example, if I buy something, he must buy something).

He needs a car as his 13-year old car is dying. And he said I’m going to have to help him with the down payment. Because we are married, I will, of course. But, I’m becoming resentful as what I want always takes a backseat to what he wants or needs.

Men or women who carry the financial household, what do you do? Recommend?

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TOP 102 Comments
  • Google xpsuaix
    I make $400k/year. My wife has made at most $65k/year, and lately has only worked part time and stays home with the kids.

    I'm cheaper than her for big things, and she's cheaper than me for small things. We both defer to the other, because it's not my money or her money, it's our money.

    It would be pretty shitty of me to try to pull weight about what to do with our finances just because I make a lot more. It's a marriage, not a business relationship.
    May 4 2
    • Microsoft pJcW86
      That's a larger disparity but if your wife tried to be cheap at the 65k level on your 400k you'd be questioning what is going on too.
      May 4
    • Google xpsuaix
      It's complicated in OPs case by them treating their finances as "his" and "hers".

      I'd be frugal too if my richer wife kept her money in a separate bank account.
      May 4
  • Google Groogle
    Are you American? If so, not sure why you are complaining. As far as I know, many American women choose to stay at home and they spend lavishly on designer brands and buy everything they want if they are married to someone making a lot, like a tech worker. Yet haven’t heard many complaints from men about this.

    If you are not American then I do understand. I come from a culture where wife and husband have completely separate finances, but the husband is responsible for 100% of household expenses, regardless whether wife works and how much she makes.

    My wife chose to stay at home, she isn’t a materialistic person, spends very responsibly, and I have no regrets about my or her choices.
    May 4 13
    • Adobe OpenRoad19
      OP
      Clar, trust me, I have talked to him about it. He thought about going back to school to get another degree. We devised a plan together and he was all set, then he decided he didn’t want to go and wouldn’t provide an explanation. I have expressed to him how stressed I am working long hours and taking care of the house; we actually communicate a lot but he uses his anxiety as a crutch, saying taking about solutions make his anxiety worse, etc.
      May 4
    • Google Groogle
      Maybe because it is still somewhat a dominant trend that men are supposed to provide, women to spend :). Not all, at least it is very dominant in my culture.
      May 4
    • New / Consultant Clar
      Then you have an easy decision to make, accept his excuses, or not. Once you have accepted them, it's your job, to never remind him of it again. If you don't accept, it's time to figure out what would make you happier. Obviously, depends if there are children
      May 4
    • New / Consultant Clar
      @groogle I am unimpressed by any culture that says one person is better at a task than another based on what is between their legs.

      I'm a single father, and have no one help me, earn or spend. (Apart from my daughter spending...🤪)
      May 4
    • Google Groogle
      It is not about who is better. Basically the customs say that it is a man’s responsibility to financially provide for the family. Women can work, earn money and dump the money in their bank accounts.

      It is a very long discussion. I don’t think that my culture is totally right about this but I also think that the American way has its flaws as well.
      May 4
    • Adobe skhale
      "I have expressed to him how stressed I am working long hours and taking care of the house; we actually communicate a lot but he uses his anxiety as a crutch" OP unfortunately you're getting a taste of what men have been facing for centuries, and getting the bad-guy/deadbeat tag if they dare complain. I'd like to sympathize but this seems like a case of what goes around comes around.
      May 4
    • Google / Eng hooli.xyz
      @Groogle

      “Basically the customs say that it is a man’s responsibility to financially provide for the family”

      Which culture are you talking about? Most modern cultures in the world have left that stupid custom behind.
      May 4
    • Adobe OpenRoad19
      OP
      Skhale, I totally feel sorry for my make friends and colleagues who have gone through this. I always tell my single male friends to wrap it up because I’ve seen many high-earning friends get trapped by the Pill not working. 🙄 I’m not saying accidents can’t happen, but station its effectiveness prove otherwise.

      My parents raised my sisters and me to be independent and have our own careers and not to rely on men. I know SAHMs who stay-at-home long after the children are old enough or gone to take advantage of the situation.
      May 4
    • Adobe akishi
      @OP as I said in the other thread, don't mind the snarkiness....and I do hope it works out for you.
      May 4
    • Oracle 7uuy444
      I think you should split your bank accounts, contribute 50-50 for family expenses and anything beyond that is upto each person. For instance gifts for each family should not be part of the family budget. Each person should take care of his/her family. Keep a strict plan on finances. Talk it out, go for counseling if it helps. But what you earn should be yours in the end.
      May 4
  • Amazon lkjhgfpoi
    TC?
    May 4 13
    • Google xpsuaix
      How close are you to retirement?

      Do you keep separate bank accounts?

      If you're debt free, not close to retirement, and have a good career with no children...what does your husband want to save the money for?
      May 4
    • Adobe skhale
      170k TC in Adobe after 19 yoe...and your partner makes 1/2.5 of what you do...no offense, but if you're in the US, someone does need to be paranoid about finances
      May 4
    • Adobe OpenRoad19
      OP
      I’m not a SWE, so my compensation is actually high for my role, skhale. Husband worked for family business a long time - never got paid enough because his family doled out the pay based on who was married and then who had children. He left company when it was going under. Since he never used his engineering degree, he couldn’t get a job. So, he started off in grunt work and how has a decent job in building industry.

      With just a mortgage and my student loan, we are doing well.

      Not paranoid at all. With my investments, in track to retire at 58, but I want to work until 62. This does not include his retirement savings, which he started late in life, but will be a small cushion.
      May 4
    • Google xpsuaix
      You still have a student loan?

      Your husband is right to be frugal. You're not on track for anything unless life goes exactly right.
      May 4
    • Adobe skhale
      OP, you said you're American, but that sounds like something straight out of India 😳 And I'd know since I'm Indian myself. All the best, and don't mind the snarkiness
      May 4
    • Facebook undrpa1d
      There is no way OP isn't from the subcontinent. NO WAY!!!
      May 4
    • Adobe OpenRoad19
      OP
      skhale, nope, born and raised in America.

      xpsuaix, when I was with my first husband, I deferred as I helped put him through school - yes, I see a pattern here. That interest was a lot, which is why it is taking me more time. I can speed it up but at the interest rate it’s at, I put more in my 401K, etc.
      May 4
    • Facebook undrpa1d
      You have no connection to the subcontinent?
      May 4
    • Adobe OpenRoad19
      OP
      No connection to the subcontinent at all...
      May 4
    • Adobe akishi
      @undrpa1d give them the benefit of the doubt...sometimes the worst thing in life is people refusing to believe you have a problem since you fit so-and-so stereotype...it's something I've experienced myself
      May 5
  • Apple AirDrop
    This is kind of toxic 😢
    May 4 0
  • Cisco / Eng eHhr48
    Kids? The first step is to use different account, and all the expenses (not on children) to be shared equally.

    I am in similar situation. However, since we started dating in high school (over 25 years ago) when I had nothing, I always consider my earnings hers. So I just told her to be reasonable in her spending.

    Good luck!
    May 4 8
    • Google xpsuaix
      That's terrible advice. All expenses shared equally when partners make drastically different amounts is a great way to build up resentment.
      May 4
    • Adobe OpenRoad19
      OP
      No children. I wanted them as did he when we got married. When it came time, he said no and I’m not a woman who would “accidentally” get pregnant, if you know what I mean. He wound up getting a vasectomy and will not adopt nor foster (“damaged goods,” he says).
      May 4
    • Cisco ciscosucks
      Omg. Get out of this relationship soon. You are not getting any thing by staying together. You are losing your youth, quality of life for which you worked hard, kids and future you envisioned for yourself. You both are on a different path.

      I never never suggest breaking any relationship. I see kids as non negotiable. You both need to be on same page.
      May 4
    • Cisco / Eng eHhr48
      Isn’t resentment the gist of the problem already? At least that would put the higher income earner in the driver seat @xpsuaix
      May 4
    • Google xpsuaix
      Right. What I'm saying is that OP has an unequal marriage and resentment has built up because of it. Making it more unequal by putting significant financial stress on her partner will not improve things.
      May 4
    • Visa
      yooooo

      Visa

      BIO
      .
      yooooomore
      OP, from what you've shared, it sounds like he doesn't respect your opinion and is not committed to anything he says in the moment. I have no advice, but hope it works out for you.

      Also, as a guy that's had a vasectomy, I make that very clear to women when we first start dating. Things like that are important life decisions that people have to stand behind, for any long term relationship to last. It's not fair for him to suddenly change his mind about kids, another degree, etc without talking to you and explaining why.
      May 4
    • Cisco / Eng eHhr48
      Well, the question is how to change/condition the spouse’s behavior? Offer her some solutions other than “just talk” :)
      May 4
    • Cisco ciscosucks
      Damaged goods? My god. He has a very narrow mind and conservative outlook.he likely grew up with the patriarchal environment and is also struggling to deal with you making more money, likely more charming and great personality. High inferiority complex. This will take next 10-30 years to get better. And it's not your job to fix him or be subservient, or lessen your shine to make him feel better.
      May 4
  • Intel babubhatt
    Therapy.
    May 4 2
    • Adobe OpenRoad19
      OP
      We are in therapy for his anxiety.
      May 4
    • Microsoft BarFoo
      Sounds like this needs to be brought up as well
      May 4
  • Amazon wimwi
    1. Your husband is a bit of a dick. Consider a divorce
    2. On the other hand, if you switch the genders, what you just described is a perfectly normal married relationship
    May 4 2
    • Google Groogle
      Yes, that’s what I am talking about. Why the discrimination?
      May 4
    • Tesla ElonB
      Underrated comment
      May 4
  • eBay mSQG77
    Leave him and look for a new boy friend.Trust me you will enjoy your life
    May 4 0
  • Microsoft
    Microsoft

    Microsoft

    PRE
    Expedia
    Microsoftmore
    Have you tried this?
    May 4 0
  • Microsoft / Sales SudoCode
    This isn't a great place to get empathy. I would encourage you to go to counseling and seek to understand why he's feeling this change or desire to control. I would guess you would learn a lot about your spouse while also giving you a platform to share your feelings.
    May 4 4
    • Adobe OpenRoad19
      OP
      Not seeking empathy. Just a way to handle it. He says he loves the fact that I’m independent but then reverts to his more traditional view (which his parents and brothers retain).
      May 4
    • Microsoft / Sales SudoCode
      I didn't mean seeking empathy from the aspect of people feeling sorry for you, but I meant it in that others here aren't too kind to people's personal situations. I used to make a lot less than my wife and I was fine by it. I wanted her to be as successful as she could be. I knew it was benefiting both of us anyway and she was fulfilled.

      Now I'm the bread winner but I've never thought about keeping score with income. We both contribute to the household and our separate incomes are just one in the same. We share the same financial goals as the other and make plans together, despite me earning 3x over what she does.
      May 4
    • Adobe OpenRoad19
      OP
      OIC. I’m sorry I misunderstood.
      May 4
    • Salesforce 你我也
      Ask him to revert back
      May 4
  • Amazon jQpf16
    Looks like you got a raw deal with this husband. If you dont have kids I really dont know why youa re still around, its clear you are just his meal ticket. I swear cheap and controlling guy sounds like an Indian, if not Asian atleast. I really cant see an American Woman putting up with this shit. You probably are afraid to leave him out of fear of loneliness but atleast be priudent with your money, squirrel away and have a seperate account he knows nothing of. also, check for affairs men like this are seldom loyal. I feel for you.. my father was like this with my mother and to this day I resent him. In your case no kids Id say just RUN
    May 13 3
    • Google dowbskci
      Wow, good job of sounding like a racist dbag.
      May 13
    • Adobe OpenRoad19
      OP
      He is not Asian or Indian - that is a very racist thing to say. I’m not afraid to leave him. I enjoyed being single and was quite independent before I met and married him.
      May 13
    • Amazon jQpf16
      racist douchebag yeah right... I am Indian and thats how I kniow, first hand experience. It is not racist if its true, google any stats on Indian women, the most burdened and harassed women. Higher number of womens suicides world wide, a good indian husband is an exception not the norm. Nobody can help someone who can get out but enjoys their suffering . good luck
      May 15
  • New pawpaw
    OpenRoad so sorry you are going through this. As a licensed psychotherapist with 10+ years of experience working with clients in the usa I would say there are clear red flags in his behavior and in your relationship. His actions could be some kind of a passive aggressive response to underlying issues like maybe he is holding some resentment or feels uncomfortable with the unequal earnings. Whatever the underlying issues the bottom line is if you aren’t feeling happy it’s time to talk to him and address how you’re feeling. Feel free to dm me if you need to talk. Thx.
    May 4 0
  • Expedia anony🐭
    I don't like the sound of this. Your money vs my money is a bad sentiment. So is "you can't buy but you have to buy me this".
    May 4 1
    • Amazon ridicule
      Agreed. My TC is 30x my spouse’s but we pool our money and each get an equal weekly allowance for discretionary spending. The rest of expenses are paid from the pool.
      May 4
  • New / Eng ggg1
    Personally, it's a 50/50 split of responsibility. Man or woman, doesn't matter. If one partner makes less and the other wants a better lifestyle that the other can't afford or doesn't want to pay for (housing, vacations, first class, etc) then they get to voluntarily pay for it and it's a gift to the other.

    If it were me, absolutely do not pay for the car or debt. His car, his responsibility. His debt, his responsibility. As for vacations, try cutting them off completely for a while. It's your gift to him, and sounds like he's not appreciating it.

    You say your marriage is transactional, but it absolutely is not. Your marriage is giver and taker. I'll give you 1 guess who is who.
    May 4 0
  • Kaspersky Lab aye dais
    I’m in the same position. My husband is stay-at-home-dad for the past 2 years, and he hustles on the side.

    For me it essentially comes to 3 questions (minus one for you):
    1) Do you still love him?
    2) Is sex still good?
    3) Is he a good father?

    Everything else can be worked out.
    It feels like you started your relationship with traditional “man is the boss, girl is a princess” model, and it stopped satisfying you lately, so you started sabotaging your role, and your husband tried to get you back into it.
    You may try and re-negotiate your unwritten marital contract into another model. But you need to figure out what works for you.
    May 4 1
    • Adobe OpenRoad19
      OP
      No, never have I subscribed to that model. I’m not a princess in the least sense.

      I still love him. Sex is ok. We can’t do a lot due to his anxiety. No children.
      May 4
  • Hulu / Design dzgn_rulez
    Woman here, I’m in a similar situation.

    It sounds like deep down your husband is resentful you make more money then he does. This is causing a lot of unnecessary stress as he probably feels dependent on you for larger purchases while he wants to support himself on the day-to-day things but can’t keep up with your spending preferences. He might feel like he’s wasting his hard earned money on things he could spend a lot less on. Sound familiar?

    I suggest you two sit down and make a list of items with price ranges you both agree to before buying or splurging. Include a monthly budget where all the expenses you contribute to for his family are included. Don’t talk about the past, none of this tit-for-tat bs, only talk about your future together and how you’re going to make it work.

    You two need to go to therapy, he needs to address why he’s upset you make more money then him, and you need to address why you’re resentful over his inability to follow through with employment or educational promises, his anxiety and why he won’t support you with things you want etc.

    If that doesn’t work after 6 - 8 months get a divorce.
    May 4 0
  • Cisco acidbase
    Get his job changed
    May 4 5
    • Adobe OpenRoad19
      OP
      Yep, I keep encouraging him as he hates his job, but he wants to only work 9-5. He has a very prized degree that he never used.
      May 4
    • Salesforce pmyz88
      What degree?
      May 4
    • Adobe OpenRoad19
      OP
      Chemical engineering. Barely passed and took no offers because he talked to a few places and got turned down out of college. He got the degree because his parents wanted him to. He then joined the family business and did that for the next ten years.
      May 4
    • Salesforce pmyz88
      K so not very easy to reuse
      May 4
    • Adobe OpenRoad19
      OP
      pmyz88, exactly. He’d have to go back and relearn as he never used it. Plus, it wasn’t something he wanted - his parents did- and I would never force him to do something he had no passion for.
      May 4
  • Amazon ridicule
    Also, ignore the divorce talk. You made a vow. Put in the work.
    May 4 3
    • Adobe OpenRoad19
      OP
      Exactly.
      May 4
    • Snapchat dilbert123
      THIS is IMPORTANT advice. We think.."screw this ..will leave and life is greener on other side" ..it is not.. different kind of challenges. So work on this marriage
      May 4
    • Adobe OpenRoad19
      OP
      No, would never think of that.
      May 4
  • Amazon lMex45
    I am not fan of my money vs your money in a marriage. It's one of the guaranteed recipe to end it sooner or later. However, rules should be same for both. You need to highlight how he's going overboard while asking you to be conscious and put down your foot if need be. If he's genuine he should get it.
    May 4 0
  • Apple KGHP41
    Leave this marriage.
    May 4 0
  • New / Eng cousin
    Not that I know anything about anything but but I the way I see it is that if you’re married nobody makes more than the other. You both make your combined income. You don’t pay for the vacation, but you both do. Not his car, but the family car. Etc.. just stop having separate finances and budget together as a married couple.
    May 4 0
  • Lockheed Martin gdbsk6d
    Open and honest communication with him on how you feel. Please do not let the resentment build up.

    Communicate with him on specific situations in which you felt you’re contributions were not recognize or that he diminished your hard work. Focus on how it makes you feel. “When you did xxxx, it made me feel xxxx.” Do not attack. Ensure there is an opportunity for him to respond positively and not go on the defense.

    Lastly: Monetary contributions are important, but it’s not the only thing of value that someone brings to the table. Seek to recognize what else he brings and hold that in high regards.
    May 4 0
  • New / Ops
    tooQ10

    New Ops

    PRE
    Rakuten USA
    tooQ10more
    My wife is frequently unemployed - she's a contract worker who makes about $14 an hour through staffing agencies, and has a hard time getting chosen for jobs because she only went to high school. I have a steady middle class corporate job paying 40-50k a year. It can be frustrating having to pay her expenses all the time. But we love each other, so somehow it works out.
    May 5 0
  • Facebook pndubs
    I earn far more than my partner and always have in the ten years we’ve been together. Thankfully we’re both pretty frugal / practical with our money, but there are still situations where those incomes differences can feel awkward. For example, in terms of housing, I don’t want to make him feel like he has to spend beyond his means to live in the types of places I prefer. And for travel he doesn’t want to make me feel like I have to forgo experiences because of his budget constraints.

    Our solution is to share expenses for significant costs and purchases proportionally based on our income (e.g. rent), to split basic shared costs 50/50 (utilities, groceries, eating out, etc.), pay for durable/capital goods individually (electronics, etc.), and to also pay for all other discretionary expenditures out of individual accounts. Anytime we are making a major joint financial decision, it’s a collaborative decision making process. This approach gives us financial autonomy but also is a way of ensuring that we are both contributing to household expenses in a way we think is fair.

    This might not be feasible after you’ve already been pooling finances for a while, but whatever you do I think avoiding conflict involves agreeing up front about how you want to approach decision making.

    It sounds like the issue is that you feel like your perspective is steamrolled in these decisions. Have you tried having a conversation with your husband about this (ideally in a moment of calm, and not when you’re in the midst of a fraught financial conversation)? Something like “Hey [name], can we talk about finances? I feel like I haven’t really been on the same page as you about some things. I’d like us to find a way of making decisions involves us deciding together more rather than trading off decisions.”
    May 5 0
  • Uber
    NoSex

    Uber

    PRE
    Google
    NoSexmore
    What's keeping you together? He sounds like he's mooching off you. Lots of negative signs. I'd recommend taking control of your personal life. I would have been more empathetic to his cause if he lived within his means as far as his parents and other relatives are concerned.
    May 4 0
  • Google AI Snot
    Here’s what we did. 1) We maintain separate accounts and keep one joint account 2) We use a tracker to track all expenses and attribute it to who pays (even if I find the joint account with more than 80%) 3) With our individual accounts, we invest separately 4) If she needs a car or wants to go on a trip, I am happy to chip in, but I never pay 100%. I want some ownership so I set a goal, you save up and get to xx%, and I’ll cover the balance - this does not apply to emergencies, where the need is urgent. When one person is forced to contribute a lot more, and there isn’t respect or acknowledgement for the sacrifice, it leads to frustration and resentment. Both kill a relationship by eating at it like termite. You didn’t mention if you want kids. You need to get help getting to a financial agreement before you even think about having kids, as that will amplify the discord. Also, sometimes a little empathy helps, especially since the Bay Area and even if you don’t keep up with the joneses, takes a toll on how much you need just to stay still, applies to other high cost markets too. You can work this out. It’s time to have some hard conversations and communicating to your partner you want to make it work but it’s getting harder to justify the relationship. Add this to the therapy agenda, your anxieties, not just his.
    May 4 0
  • Uber ekAN14
    @OP, I love the way you think. I make $425 and my wife stays at home with our daughter. we get into fights sometimes about spending because I like to spend more on gifts to family and friends. but we almost always compromise on large spend and vacations. depending on other things going on in our lives, I'll pick my battles. after 20 years of marriage, I've learned one action to be absolutely true: honor yourself. if you feel strongly about your position, let him know your resent is growing. if he loves you then he'll learn to compromise. if he consistently holds his position without being empathetic to what you want and need, then talk to him openly about it. I'd suggest discussing this in therapy. seems weird that you in couples therapy for his issues?
    May 4 2
    • Google xpsuaix
      "I've learned one action to be absolutely true: honor yourself."

      P...P...President Trump?
      May 4
    • Adobe OpenRoad19
      OP
      ekAN14, his anxiety is the third person in our relationship, unfortunately.
      May 4
  • Perficient redbirds
    My wife is a stay at home mom. Its what we both wanted as we began to raise our child.
    Even if she didn't stay at home. I'd have made a lot more and that's fine with me.
    We're part of one team. We all have our own role to play in this team.
    I don't keep track of who contributes what. I don't sit and keep score.
    We have a shared budget and we have shared goals.
    We are honest with each other about our concerns and priorities.
    We don't nitpick purchases and we stick to our budgets for discretionary spending.

    Keeping score is toxic. There are no such things as "purely equal" relationships.

    It sounds like you should both seek couple counseling because the money issue is more of a symptom of your dysfunction than the cause of it.
    May 6 0
  • VMware Txoys
    Try to treat money as common between the spouses. That said it looks like this may be an issue building up in his head. Bring this up as a problem to be solved together. Talk to a marriage counselor. You both can fix this together.
    May 4 0
  • Adobe OpenRoad19
    OP
    Thanks, everyone, for the great advice. There’s a lot of good points I’m taking away and going to incorporate.
    May 4 0
  • Wells Fargo bUl
    Communicate with him. If the communication is not there, seek counseling for it, or try to have a third party that you both trust mediate.

    I will say, if you cannot communicate with him, seek an amicable divorce, and make sure to get a consultation from an attorney lawyer far in advance so you know how to make the best of your situation and are able to stand up for your rights.

    Communication is the key, understand that if both of you do not feel understood or heard, your marriage will not last.

    Also do not allow him to have his feelings overpower yours, he might have anxiety, but it is not an excuse for him to abuse you or have his feelings be prioritized over yours. Do not go down the path of letting your feelings be ignored.

    This is not about money, don't let the money distract you from the unbalanced dynamic between both of you. Even in marriage you do not owe him more than you are willing to share, the sanctity of marriage is a complete non-argument when there is no equality.
    May 4 0
  • Zillow Group Sr. Troll
    Get a new husband
    May 4 0
  • Cadence Fhvz
    This doesn’t sound healthy. Was he cheap when you first met him? Usually people don’t change much if any overnight. It takes decades.
    May 6 1
    • Adobe OpenRoad19
      OP
      No, he wasn’t cheap when we first met but I’m not a woman who wants expensive dinners to be impressed, either. Of course, many things changed after we got married (like deciding he didn’t want children and being more critical of what I spent, etc.).
      May 6
  • Tesla ElonB
    Prenup?
    May 4 1
  • eBay mSQG77
    Don’t listen to that guy .If you are earning then you enjoy your life like how you want .Enjoy every moment of life and get a new boyfriend 😂.Which Visa you are in ?
    May 4 1
    • Perficient redbirds
      If you do decide to go down this road, make sure to budget for a divorce lawyer.
      May 6
  • eBay abababbb
    You are not paying in a marriage your money are also his money.
    May 4 0
  • FedEx / IT
    JCMt22

    FedEx IT

    BIO
    Project Mgr/ Entrepreneur on the road to Software Engineering.
    JCMt22more
    Understand this totally as I’ve been breadwinner throughout my relationship and marriage; wife is in between careers/ applying to med school (praying). To her credit - we did recently have a child so I can understand the lack of motivation at times.

    But it is hard when one spouses income is significantly higher than the others. The “cheap” thing you spoke of gave me chills. I think the spouse making less tends to think well “if I cut all costs and don’t buy anything over $2 then I’m saving us $” When in reality the lack of or low income is really the issue.

    Not spending on frivolous things is one thing but penny pinching through life as a hard worker/breadwinner outright sucks. No one wants to live that way.

    It takes work and communication daily to fix. Also being honest about $ and how you imagine living/spending/saving five years from now with your spouse could help.

    I’m sure you guys have a financial spreadsheet with household expenses etc. so I’d see if their are areas that could be increased to enhance your marriage (trips/entertainment/dates) and liabilities that could be cut to increase cashflow (car payments, eating out, subscriptions). Could help, just my 2cents.
    May 4 0
  • Amazon thekingg
    Dump him and find a better man.
    May 19 0
  • New / Design Red Delta
    This is a hard change. The dynamic is skewed a bit.

    Can you support the entire family with your income alone?
    May 4 0
  • Amazon ridicule
    Meet with a financial planner. Both of you might need to recalibrate and neither are likely to convince the other of that. A third party helps.
    May 4 0

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