Husband Makes Less; He’s Cheap and Controlling
Throughout my entire life, I’ve made a lot more than the men I’ve been with long-term. None of them ever had an issue with it and I never had an issue with it, either - in other words, for my part, I’m humble and grew up blue collar, so I don’t buy many things or spend for the sake of spending. If I do need or want something, however, I always buy quality. I’m also not cheap with those near and dear to me, either, but I budget (for example, Christmas) and don’t go over-the-top but like to give lovingly. I’ve been married for six years (and with my husband a total of seven years). As I get more successful, he is becoming more controlling (with money) and cheap. Before I married him, I was single on-and-off for five years having a lot of fun and enjoying myself after having been in a LTR with someone who broke my heart after 13 years. (This is important because I was very independent.) Lately, my husband has been getting tighter with the purse strings and doesn’t like to spend money on things I want to do or buy, but has no issues with spending and has no issues spending it on his family - we send money to his parents monthly but also spent a lot when a family member visited recently or when we visit his parents. For the last couple of vacations, we’ve gone where he wants to go...and I’ve paid for them. I’m getting frustrated, if not angry, because I’ve worked hard for the last 19 years to get where I am and have helped him pay off a lot of debt because he feels that I make more, I should contribute more. I pay 2/3 of the mortgage and most of the bills, as I make 2.5 times what he makes. We pool all of our money together and I sometimes feel we have a transactional relationship and he has this checklist/scoreboard of tit-for-tat (for example, if I buy something, he must buy something). He needs a car as his 13-year old car is dying. And he said I’m going to have to help him with the down payment. Because we are married, I will, of course. But, I’m becoming resentful as what I want always takes a backseat to what he wants or needs. Men or women who carry the financial household, what do you do? Recommend?
This is kind of toxic 😢
Therapy.
We are in therapy for his anxiety.
Get his job changed
Yep, I keep encouraging him as he hates his job, but he wants to only work 9-5. He has a very prized degree that he never used.
What degree?
TC?
$170K/year includes bonuses and stock
Do you still have any debt besides a mortgage? If so, your husband doesn't sound nuts to be looking to be thrifty.
This isn't a great place to get empathy. I would encourage you to go to counseling and seek to understand why he's feeling this change or desire to control. I would guess you would learn a lot about your spouse while also giving you a platform to share your feelings.
Not seeking empathy. Just a way to handle it. He says he loves the fact that I’m independent but then reverts to his more traditional view (which his parents and brothers retain).
I didn't mean seeking empathy from the aspect of people feeling sorry for you, but I meant it in that others here aren't too kind to people's personal situations. I used to make a lot less than my wife and I was fine by it. I wanted her to be as successful as she could be. I knew it was benefiting both of us anyway and she was fulfilled. Now I'm the bread winner but I've never thought about keeping score with income. We both contribute to the household and our separate incomes are just one in the same. We share the same financial goals as the other and make plans together, despite me earning 3x over what she does.
Are you American? If so, not sure why you are complaining. As far as I know, many American women choose to stay at home and they spend lavishly on designer brands and buy everything they want if they are married to someone making a lot, like a tech worker. Yet haven’t heard many complaints from men about this. If you are not American then I do understand. I come from a culture where wife and husband have completely separate finances, but the husband is responsible for 100% of household expenses, regardless whether wife works and how much she makes. My wife chose to stay at home, she isn’t a materialistic person, spends very responsibly, and I have no regrets about my or her choices.
Disagree to some extent. I think people have become overly selfish in relationships. In this situation, it sounds as if husband, thinks that because he wears the pants, he is the boss. Sadly, it doesn't sound like either person wears the pants. Neither are talking or putting on their big kids pants, and having real conversations about concerns. Rather, they are posting on here, so they can feel right about also being wrong.
I’m American but his parents are foreign but he grew up in Canada (after they emigrated from Europe). Trust me, I work with a lot of men who have wives that spend their checks before they earn it and totally empathize with them and can’t figure out why they’re not angrier, especially when they stay in jobs to keep their wife’s lifestyle and social appearance.
Leave him and look for a new boy friend.Trust me you will enjoy your life
Personally, it's a 50/50 split of responsibility. Man or woman, doesn't matter. If one partner makes less and the other wants a better lifestyle that the other can't afford or doesn't want to pay for (housing, vacations, first class, etc) then they get to voluntarily pay for it and it's a gift to the other. If it were me, absolutely do not pay for the car or debt. His car, his responsibility. His debt, his responsibility. As for vacations, try cutting them off completely for a while. It's your gift to him, and sounds like he's not appreciating it. You say your marriage is transactional, but it absolutely is not. Your marriage is giver and taker. I'll give you 1 guess who is who.
I make $400k/year. My wife has made at most $65k/year, and lately has only worked part time and stays home with the kids. I'm cheaper than her for big things, and she's cheaper than me for small things. We both defer to the other, because it's not my money or her money, it's our money. It would be pretty shitty of me to try to pull weight about what to do with our finances just because I make a lot more. It's a marriage, not a business relationship.
That's a larger disparity but if your wife tried to be cheap at the 65k level on your 400k you'd be questioning what is going on too.
It's complicated in OPs case by them treating their finances as "his" and "hers". I'd be frugal too if my richer wife kept her money in a separate bank account.
Have you tried this?