My son is very inquisitive and smart (got these feedback from all of his teachers). He is very spirited and at his age, often like to test the boundaries. I am a more patient one out of the two. I used to do everything in term of taking care of our son but now, my work starts to get busy, I asked my husband to help out more. Last night, he helped our son to take a bath. Our son was being naughty and put stuff into his mouth. I heard my husband yelled at him repeatedly throughout the bath (was very rough with my son as well). It makes me feel sad that my husband doesn’t know any other way to handle our son other than yelling. My husband has a rough childhood and starved of affection. He doesn’t know any other way. When I asked him to do distraction or yelling less, he asked “so you want me to let him to put stuff into his mouth?”. Well yelling doesn’t work and it’s hard to explain to him that we can tell him other ways (like telling stories what happened if you put toys into your mouth or simply distract and remove the object away). How can I help my husband? Any tips?
Is your husband on top of his shit? Does he excercise, take care of the finances, and lead your family? If not, he may be projecting his deficiency onto your son.
Yes, he’s great in other ways and never yell at me. Fiscally responsible. He just doesn’t know how to handle little kids. His mom didn’t take care of him and he doesn’t have a normal family. He learns a family dynamic by socializing with mine.
Probably needs 1) positive role models and 2) done therapy
My wife does that. She yells at him. We are doing couple’s therapy when I bring it up and discuss these issues in a safe space.
Did anything come up from the therapy? Any improvement so far?
Yes. I also have been speaking out more when I see an offending behavior. Because our therapy is every week, I remind them that it is not an ok behavior and we can discuss further in therapy. This help de-escalate the issue. Therapy will certainly help you if you can get your husband to go.
Enlighten him, tell him that yelling at your son will only teach him that yelling is an okay behavior to do. I fear that your child will grow up to handle his children like this. Just educated you husband, and therapy never hurts!
Thanks. Will try this.
Show him by example how you can handle the kid without yelling. Show him articles proving yelling bad for kids. If he loves the kid he should understand.
Will do. Great suggestion!
Yelling but conscious dad here. Listening in.
Have you ever been recording a family event and accidentally caught yourself on the recording being short tempered with your kids? I did and I will never forget that for the rest of your life. People need the camera turned on themselves occasionally to correct themselves. Record just the audio casually and let him hear it.
Seeing a recording gives a reflection we won't get any other way. But recording without consent and confronting someone with evidence can cause trust and resentment issues ( or more likely increase pre-existing trust problems)
I will record, show him, and delete
Therapy? Make him understand passionately...he will get it. I remember when our kids were little, their daycare teachers would drop subtle and at time direct hints to all new parents. Hints like appreciation, claps, stickers, big hugs and so... go a long way. But ofcourse at times you have to yell. Just as an example when our kids got to a point where they could relate and understand words then we would relate eating soap...eating dirt...picking up food from the road to something like a puke. They would then go teach the whole town!
Yeah told him that 3 is a hard age and we have to be careful. He just doesn’t know right or wrong and often playing games/being mischievous. His parents didn’t take care of my hubby hence he lacked the understanding/connection. His parents would feed him unreasonable expectations as how a 3 year old should be even though he was sent to his grandparents from 0-5 and again at 9. I wished he would go to therapy to make himself feeling better. In the past, he resisted the idea. I know that he feels awful yelling at our son too :(
I use a small mammal to control my children. Whenever they're being shitty I just hand bunny over and they immediately calm down. I imagine a cat or puppy would work to but those are more work. Perhaps you can try something similar.
While this can be extremely effective, I wouldnt pick up an animal for the sole purpose of having a parenting aid. Puppies tend to become dogs. Dogs tend to live many years. Pets can add their own household strain. Guinea pigs and bunnies are small, stay small. Guinea pigs also arent as likely to die of shock when being held the ways bunnies can
Another vote for therapy. I get very frustrated easily and it's hard to stop the pattern. My wife and I have discussed this at length but it's impossible for her to have the same perspective a 3rd party therapist would and it would be unfair for me to expect her to have a completely objective and non-emotional perspective.
How long you are in therapy? Does thing get better?
For me, yes it gets better. I know I have a problem. I want it to change. No one will get better unless they know and want to change. You can't solve someone else's problem. At the heart of this is your relationship with your husband, going with him to therapy might also be good. It's different for everyone... I agree with other posters, finding strategies that work NOW and prevent young children being yelled at is most important
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Therapy
What type of therapy? Family therapy or his personal therapy?
Family therapy. There are also classes-tailored for parents. Also see if your husband gets enough sleep. Sleep deprivation and work stress can make a protective parent into a yelling parent. I am a dad myself of two. Have been through this and at some point realized yelling doesn’t help at all. Child who is being yelled at often gets confused..and starts experimenting lies and other forms of tantrums. Good luck.