Husband and wife TC gap and age gap

Ellie Mae aha-aha
Jul 22 589 Comments

Blind community, what’s your fair opinion review based on the scenario?

H: current 180k base + 25k bonus, engineer role, yoe 15, master degree
W: current 100k base + 10k bonus, IT Support role, yoe 3 (previous background: 7 yoe banking retail, 4 employment gap due to raising kids while studied MBA/MIS, undergrad business, re-entered In 2016 in software support, YR 1 TC, 60k

Age gap H>W 15 Y

Have been Stressful in argument and fights, when topic leads to TC, 100k is not considered as a contributing spouse because it is too little in the Bay. Feel insulting and gender inequality with this huge age gap.

What’s wrong here? What do you have to say?

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TOP 589 Comments
  • Apple powerlines
    15 years age gap
    Man she might have got a better sugar daddy with better tc
    Jul 22 12
    • Ellie Mae aha-aha
      OP
      Amazon - wFOC46, your wife, making 0 staying gone with kids has 0 contribution or very little to your definition?
      She is working at home, full time!
      Jul 25
    • Amazon wFOC46
      She is absolutely contributing. I should have clarified, she's the one that's insecure about not bringing home a paycheck and brings it up any time we have to talk about money. I am totally fine with it, but it means we have to make trade-offs.

      The reason she's staying at home is that we priced out childcare and it was going to be $3500/mo for 2 kids, so at a bare minimum she's contributing that in addition to all the other things she does. Also, I'm not sure you can put a price on raising your own kids. My son is nationally competitive in 2 sports and I directly credit that to my wife having the time to take him to practices and events.
      Jul 25
    • Microsoft / Product
      Brazuka

      Microsoft Product

      PRE
      Bain & Company
      Brazukamore
      Ah, I forget being good at sports is more important than getting better scores in the US
      Jul 25
    • Splunk / Eng ImaRainbow
      Chinesehacker, your comment makes no sense. A marriage can start out as equal TC, but a handful of years later it’s inevitable that careers will diverge—one will be more successful than the other in terms of dollars. Measuring people’s worth in family or social settings by their workplace comp is a sure route to conflict & unhappiness.
      Jul 25
    • Uber / Eng fomo
      Finding equal tc in marriage is absurd and stupid. The goal of marriage is to find an equally loving soul
      Jul 26
  • Amazon / Eng @>_
    What the fuck does TC have to do with anything? Husband sounds like a massive shitbag.
    Jul 23 23
    • Amazon / Eng Brad ley
      The difficulty of the job is irrelevant. If one person contributes more in the financial aspect of the relationship, then the other person should contribute more in a different aspect of the relationship. Otherwise you breed feelings of resentment in the person who is always contributing more.

      The only way both partners would contribute 50/50 exactly in all aspects of the relationship is if they are literal clones of each other. Different people are good at different things so you should celebrate those differences and work off of each other's strengths, not force every aspect of the relationship to be cut 50/50. Take some, give some.
      Jul 26
    • Google nanithefu
      I understand if you work more hours and/or is more stressed from work so your spouse helps out with your share of chores. However if you're saying you deserve to do less chores solely because of TC then I totally disagree. TC should never be a bargaining chip in marriage and shouldn't even enter the conversation when it comes to household responsibilities. It's a very slippery slope when one party can say "Oh yea you drive the kids I make double TC" "You get groceries I make double TC"
      Jul 26
    • Amazon / Eng Brad ley
      "I bring in the money to buy the car and the gas, you go pick up the kids" "you actually go out and buy the groceries, I will pay for them" these aren't problematic to me, the opposite actually to me, they are fair. I don't understanding why you wish to downplay the importance of providing money in the relationship. Financial issues are one of the biggest reasons for divorce. Working as a team is more important than dividing things in half
      Jul 26
    • Amazon / Eng @>_
      >"I bring in the money to buy the car and the gas, you go pick up the kids" "you actually go out and buy the groceries, I will pay for them" these aren't problematic to me, the opposite actually to me, they are fair.

      If people were paid based on how hard and long they work, sure. But considering that many jobs with long, stressful hours pay shit and many easy, laid back jobs pay well that clearly isn't true. Chores should be divided by energy and time available, not how much money you contribute.

      >I don't understanding why you wish to downplay the importance of providing money in the relationship.

      Because it's treating your partner like an employee. "Hey, I know you're just as tired as I am from work, but I arbitrarily get paid more. Pls run errands and clean servant" is kind of how it comes off. I couldn't imagine telling my partner to do more chores just because I make more. If it was that important to me not to do work like a pleb I'd hire people, not force it on my partner as if their only other value is the money they generate.
      Jul 26
    • Amazon / Eng Brad ley
      Seems like our disagreement goes really deep, down to a fundamental level of value of work. it appears to me that youre a believer of labour theory of value, and I just can't get behind that.

      And it's not treating your partner like an employee, it's giving them the respect of being equal in their capacity to contribute to the family
      Jul 26
  • Facebook veVX74
    I'm not sure what husband is complaining about. 100k seems good for 3yoe and non eng role
    Jul 22 3
    • Amazon / Eng nutboy39
      Yep. Not seeing how the “wage gap” is significant at all. The age thing, I could see being an issue.
      Jul 25
    • Oracle / Mgmt aiabc
      It’s always the grass is greener on other sides , wife is a teacher , she earns way way lesser in Bay Area ... luckily we can survive based on my tc ... there are other things to life other than TC
      Jul 25
    • Microsoft Queasy
      I thought the wife is the one complaining!
      Jul 26
  • Oracle / R&D TLead
    For starters, if you want a relationship then don’t talk about TC. Secondly, if you want to date or marry someone just for TC, then it’s not a relationship.
    Jul 22 28
    • Expedia Group mafiaa
      @BeingCoder are you a gujju from India ?
      Jul 26
    • Expedia Group oytI85
      265k TC is low in bay area? 😳
      Jul 26
    • Oracle / R&D TLead
      I never said my TC is low. But it is definitely low if I want to buy a good house.
      Jul 26
    • Yelp tuyw233
      You don’t need to buy house right away. You are pretty young instead enjoy your time, travel a lot and have fun before buying house
      Aug 4
    • Facebook BeingCoder
      @mafiaa why would you assume that?
      Aug 4
  • “4 year employment gap due to raising kids”

    Ok, ok, FUCK this husband. Wife takes 4 years off to raise his kids and gets rewarded with “durr hurr your TC is not high enough.”

    When his is only a little higher with 15 YOE.

    If anything you could b!tch about HIS TC when people with 15 YOE are making 500k+.

    She did her job, now you do your motherfucking job.
    Jul 23 8
    • The main problem isn’t the career thing, it’s a lack of respect and appreciation for the sacrifice that you made, and especially considering your age gap you can’t be expected to make the same TC as him.

      So, start from there. You mentioned you have kids so just talk to him about your problems. You will have to be the mature one here.

      Explain how you feel disrespected that he keeps bringing up your TC when you sacrificed your time and your body to take care of the children. And how even though he may be worried about finances, he needs to discuss it with you rationally rather than trying to browbeat you in feeling “guilty” for not making enough.

      Don’t let yourself be disrespected. You’re already making good money for your YOE. Don’t allow him to feel like tearing you down over your TC is going to make a difference.

      At the same time, quietly focus on your career and figure out the next steps, whether it’s becoming a developer, QA, whatever. This is to improve your own self-esteem and prepare for if you should eventually want to divorce (or he wants to divorce).
      Jul 23
    • Ellie Mae aha-aha
      OP
      Focusing on career was what I did in the past 3 Y and I will have to continue doing it - financially independent.

      It is not that I am afraid of divorce, unfair treatment for the kids to grow in a broken family. I don’t want to take this path yet that’s why I am still here after 10 Y in marriage. Who knows he may be preparing for it too, secretly putting away $ in his own piggy bank.

      I never knew Blind is that powerful with so many comments. There are definitely key takeaways too.

      Maybe I can ask you for a referral after I crush course some coding skills, at my next job hunt! 😂
      Jul 23
    • Right, I understand. You have to stay strong! Your marriage may be salvageable and who knows, people do change.

      I can tell you’re smart, you’ll do well in a coding job :-) Definitely will refer you!
      Jul 23
    • Microsoft pJcW86
      "MBA degree should have landed me much further than the starter pay TC 60k in 2016. "

      He needs to get out of his fucking tech bubble 60k -> 100k in a few years (with a kid that you are likely shouldering the burden) *IS* high pay even though the start isn't that high. Your TC has more potential to be higher than his 15yr 180k which is likely his ceiling unless he man's up and switches to a new company instead of turn into a whiny 180k dev.
      Jul 25
    • Ellie Mae aha-aha
      OP
      Microsoft why you think 180k is his ceiling? Inputs?

      Yes I thought initially finishing degree is done. Never ending study! Lol.. I did take many courses for continue education during the past 2 jobs since 2016. I guess the effort has been paid out, at least for now I am happy with my job. But just Sf commute Sucks!
      Jul 25
  • Medallia Maximus8
    100k with 3 yrs is pretty good compared to 180k for 15 yrs. wifey spending 4 years raising kids is worth more than any tc in market. Are u husband or wife?
    Jul 22 8
    • Tibco software / Eng !mlikoj!
      What kind of fights lead to TC discussion? Really the core question you need to answer is the solution to all your problems another 60k? Are you problems really financial necessities or are they just lifestyle changes? There a plenty of families in the bay where the husband is sole breadwinner and makes about 200-250k. Heck I know people who make much much less than that and still living happily. So moving out of bay or having either of you increase your tc is not really the answer to your problems. You need to figure out if TC fight is just the outer shell and maybe there's something else that is more inflicting and that is something you need to address.

      I've been in a relationship for a very long time where my GF was earning much more than me and our combined TC was less than yours. But that was never as issue. We fought - but not over tc. So its almost impossible to fix your problems just by earning another 60 or 80k. The ceilings ALWAYS go up. So I hope you can figure things out by just calmly understanding each others points of views. For instance, maybe he wants to you to earn more to save more (for some future expense). You guys can look at your current expenses and see where you can cut down on your spending, move to a less expensive house maybe? Cut down on eating out often? These things add up pretty quickly. There have to be some sacrifices for you to live peacefully. And both of you need to come to terms with that.

      Once you have the right environment, you will automatically be motivated to find a higher paying job. Each person has their own timeline and I hope you guys get there too.
      Jul 22
    • Ellie Mae aha-aha
      OP
      Conservative.
      Jul 23
    • Ellie Mae aha-aha
      OP
      SAP - already tried Austin 2013-2015 when he was sole income at TC 150k. The company got sold and CA brought us back
      Jul 23
    • Ellie Mae aha-aha
      OP
      Tibco- thanks for the inputs. You are right it is not where to live or ceiling of TC. We probably outgrow each other and other critical issue I d have to figure out
      Jul 23
    • Amazon SysRq
      Learn to code and dump him lol. 180k for 15 yoe is just sad.
      Jul 25
  • Oracle djjdhbw
    H: 430K, 6 YOE, W: 170K, 2.5 YOE
    Jul 22 6
    • NVIDIA monolith_
      Who asked for this info?
      Jul 23
    • Amazon Asthene
      Nobody asked...
      Jul 25
    • Amazon WoolyScarf
      It's Blind - everyone's thinking "TC or GTFO", amirite?
      Jul 25
    • Amazon / Product Ftes
      TC or GTFO
      Jul 25
    • Qualcomm / Eng parrotcork
      I like this guy To the point !
      Jul 25
  • Salesforce 1confusion
    TC shouldn’t even come up. We talk about “our” earnings and “our” expenses, irrespective of who pays
    Jul 22 1
    • Altria / Data Kthak
      OP read this again and if you don't understand read this post till you do.
      Jul 25
  • LinkedIn / Eng phatman
    I'm sorry but you have a very shitty husband
    Jul 22 2
    • Google
      plmnkoijbb

      Google

      BIO
      Curiouser
      plmnkoijbbmore
      Agreed....
      Jul 25
    • Amazon fvXy65
      Also agree
      Jul 26
  • GoDaddy / Eng
    gd-ms

    GoDaddy Eng

    PRE
    Lyft, GoDaddy
    gd-msmore
    My TC: 400K, my wife's: 100k. I want to be a at home dad and my wife is way smarter than I am. Love and respect are essential for a relationship. Raising and nourishing kids are you both's responsibility. You do something that he is probably totally incapable of doing, work and take care of kids. Be proud of yourself.
    Jul 25 3
    • eBay / Eng
      mDBW53

      eBay Eng

      PRE
      NVIDIA
      mDBW53more
      Or pay someone 40k to do that for you and then earn more than 100k. It makes absolutely no sense for people who aren’t poor to raise their own children as the damage to your career is permanent and only grows worse after each passing year. If you choose to raise your kids then complain about your earnings you deserve to live in a box.
      Jul 25
    • FedEx PISE61
      Omg this guy is a idiot 1 million dollars wouldn’t be enough to trade for my time with children. Pay someone else to raise your children you are a fool blinded by money.
      Jul 25
    • LinkedIn beotbtys
      Raising children is not the same thing as spending time with them. Sending kids to daycare is great for socializing them, even if you are a stay at home parent! Important for them to build social skills and social circles at a young age!

      It’s not binary. You can still have one spouse work 3 days a week. Or negotiate 4x10, so many more solutions than work or not.
      Jul 25
  • Optum MMai55
    15 YOE with a masters and only brings home 180k? That’s sad. 100k with 3 YOE? That’s awesome
    Jul 25 8
    • Wizards of the Coast aaaabaa
      Makes barely* more
      Jul 25
    • Uber Hdjci24
      Oh shit ✋WOTC!! I love magic
      Jul 25
    • Indeed / Eng karencoph
      Hey is it as hyper progressive liberal as it seems at WOTC?
      Jul 25
    • Wizards of the Coast aaaabaa
      I'm to the left of most but I haven't bet any chuds here either. People seem to care about inclusivity but everyone has their own ideas of what that means. Publishing and production seems pretty gender diverse but management and engineering aren't and it's pretty white.
      Jul 26
    • Wizards of the Coast aaaabaa
      Met* any chuds
      Jul 26
  • Amazon / Eng patchi
    Me TC $235k in midwest. Wife $40k TC as teacher. Money never gets brought up in fights. We actually don't fight very often at all and think that we work as a team on almost everything. If I have to work late, she'll make dinner, do laundry, etc. And ditto for the opposite. If the husband doesn't think $100k is contributing, it sounds like he's the problem.
    Jul 25 4
    • 235 in the Midwest Holy shit.
      Jul 25
    • Turner qjka196501
      Chicago Midwest?
      Jul 25
    • Amazon / Eng patchi
      Not Chicago. Probably all I want to say about location
      Jul 30
    • Turner qjka196501
      Well shit 235 outside Chicago is a killing, nice.
      Jul 30
  • Adobe KbTJ88
    Husband is a loser, wife popped kids took break, less yoe, and still managed to get a decent salary
    Jul 26 2
    • Google / Eng #%
      Exactly. My wife makes 0. This guy is a fucking loser.
      Jul 26
    • Facebook sdfdcgdsh
      Agree Google. My wife also makes 0. What a total douche.
      Jul 27
  • Pearson / Eng
    KHYR71

    Pearson Eng

    PRE
    Apple
    KHYR71more
    What seriously? You took this to Blind?
    Come home today, we will deal it with it then.

    Age gap?? You didn’t know there was an “age” gap when you married me?

    I work my ass off to make $180k. You have an easy job, but all you do come home and watch TV. I have to get the dishes done , attend calls, put kids to bed and you are too tired of your $100k job??
    I understand We have gaps but that gotta stay in our house.
    Jul 23 9
    • Microsoft RandomInt
      Do your jobs plus commute take similar numbers of hours each week? Then the chores ought to be split pretty evenly.
      Jul 25
    • Ellie Mae aha-aha
      OP
      For me commute to SF 1.5 hours/ one way, door to door. His hours are more flex with some WFH which I don’t have at this job. His commute is less. Unfortunately that’s not how chores are measured...
      Jul 25
    • Pearson / Eng
      KHYR71

      Pearson Eng

      PRE
      Apple
      KHYR71more
      So you at South San Jose! 😂. Just had a 1.5 drive to SF today. My god how do you do that everyday. You should flush that job.
      Jul 25
    • Ellie Mae aha-aha
      OP
      I Bart🥴
      Jul 25
    • Microsoft RandomInt
      But that *IS* how chores are measured for a lot of us married folk. All of both of our salaries, bonuses, etc go to the same account. Everything is paid out of that account. We share on chores, though there are some that I am better at than she and some the opposite, so that factors into who does which chores.
      Jul 25
  • VMware jackfru
    H with 205k at 15 yoe is nothing. Folks with couple of years of experience make that much these days. It looks like H needs to step up!
    W making 100+ seems pretty good to me
    Jul 23 1
    • LinkedIn ex-fb
      Textbook example of feminist hypocrisy
      Jul 25
  • Scotiabank WWaN62
    He has 15 years of experience and makes 180k girl has 3 years making 100k plus raised kids and took care of the husband.

    The husband is a douche bag for saying she is not a contributing spouse.
    Jul 26 0
  • Apple TheNiceGal
    I think the real problem here is that the husband doesn’t make a lot of money.

    He might be projecting a lot of insecurities.
    Jul 25 2
    • New / Eng
      bruselee

      New Eng

      PRE
      Visa
      BIO
      Fresher
      bruseleemore
      This
      Jul 25
    • Oracle / IT
      l00tb0x

      Oracle IT

      PRE
      Ericsson, National Instruments
      l00tb0xmore
      +1 on bruselee
      Jul 26
  • Microsoft / Eng cbCv23
    I can’t imagine anyone older than 15 using TC as a weapon in an argument with their spouse. Given the age gap, you must, therefore, be an infant. Where did you learn to write so early, little one?
    Jul 25 0
  • Workday shrekswamp
    $100k is not considered a contributing spouse as of when? Even in the Bay Area $100k is plenty to live on. Most people outside of tech are making less.
    Jul 26 0
  • Microsoft / Strategy GyLD87
    I make about a 100k more than my spouse, no challenge as when I first married her she was the bread winner and she put me back through school and the outcome was a reversed role. This is life and there shouldn’t be competition in the house hold. It all goes into one pot and used properly as the family unit sees fit. We called this a blessing and we both respect each other for what we do and do not measure it based on who is a winner. We are winners as a family unit.
    Jul 25 0