Husband unsupportive and stresses me out

Amazon ibpK67
Nov 7 131 Comments

I have had a tough couple of years trying to stand up and set boundaries with my husband .
This was an arranged marriage and he came across to me as a very friendly and cheerful person in our initial meetings.
However things slowly started to unravel - he and his family gang up against me and plan for things without asking for my opinion- yet there is a very high expectation from me to show up for those plans.
We live in the US , away from both our families - however my inlaws still manage to control how things play out in our lives and my husband - with no concern for our privacy keeps sharing every minute detail about our lives with his mother and takes her help with decisions.
This had begun stressing me out and I almost lost my job , however i managed to prepare, interview and get a new job with the help of a few acquaintances. My family is extremely inline with the Indian culture of a wife adjusting to things in her married life and do not support me. I feel utterly confused.

EDIT: I see some very supportive responses in this thread and i would thank every single one of you’ll. Admittedly it is just my version of things - but i appreciate the care and concern shown by the community , because , without a forum of this scale , it is definitely impossible for me to reach out to the community and gather opinions. I can only hope that the fact that i am reaching out and taking opinions would atleast communicate that I wouldnt for a second throw my partner under the bus by wrongly accusing of things.

To everyone who is hearing me out - you have no idea how much you have cheered me up today with your support . i was alone and depressed , and didnt know of a source that would hear me out. I was feeling trapped. Thanks to everyone.


No kids
TC: 180k

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TOP 131 Comments
  • Amazon / Eng
    Louis C.K.

    Amazon Eng

    BIO
    I like to get consent.
    Louis C.K.more
    Have you tried talking to him and stating the problem? Sorry to say but a grown up seeking his family's advice for the smallest things as opposed to his wife insinuates the fact that he considers them more important.

    I would state clearly where you are right now and if thing don't improve what you will do. You're an independent working woman. Trust me, he'll have a hard time finding a decent woman than you find a decent man. Good luck.
    Nov 7 7
    • Microsoft gk9y;5e
      If he has hit you call the cops , he will be in jail..Leave sister..life is too short for tolerating abuse
      Nov 7
    • Amazon ibpK67
      OP
      Thanks for the caring words @ Microsoft .Means a lot
      Nov 7
    • Accenture Bxpe83
      call cops and record that he hit you. He will be in serious trouble. You are in US not in India. Take advantage of the justice system!
      Nov 7
    • Symantec spidrman
      Real man don’t hit woman!
      Nov 9
    • Amazon / Eng
      Louis C.K.

      Amazon Eng

      BIO
      I like to get consent.
      Louis C.K.more
      ibpK67 get out of that relationship ASAP. He'll never change. He's not even open to hear you up. Get divorced on the grounds of physical violence. Try to get some proof of it, like sound recordings of him cursing at you, medical records, etc.

      It might not seem like it, but your life would be much better without him. Seek professional counseling if you're still on the fence but to me it looks like leaving him is your best bet. Good luck.

      Real men don't hit women. We know how much damage we can do. I could never even think about it and I've dated some total batshit crazy outta control girls. If I'm unhappy with my wife, I'll try to make it work before moving on but hitting her is never an option.
      Nov 10
  • Apple KGHP41
    Most Indian men are PoS. I am saying this as an Indian man. It is rarity to find someone good and supportive in the face of family pressure especially when it comes to his family and especially especially when it comes from his mommy dearest.

    Tell him that he needs to choose between his marriage or his family. If he chooses marriage then he needs to keep his family out of your lives. You must do the same thing with your family. He clearly doesn’t understand the damage he is doing to your marriage and generally seems to not value your marriage over his relationship with his family.
    Nov 7 12
    • Microsoft SNaG74
      He need to be handed over to authority.
      Nov 7
    • SAP mddg
      Right? So how about next time you start with EMPATHY on what OP is having to face, than lamenting about 'generalizations' about Indian men?!
      Nov 7
    • Microsoft SNaG74
      I meant if the abuse continues it need to be reported. I have empathy for both men and women who suffer abuse by their partners. I don’t call whole gender PoS.
      Nov 7
    • Flagged by the community.

    • Datometry / Eng LangEr
      Projecting much ?
      Nov 8
  • Microsoft WordPPT
    Quit now, else it will become slow poison.
    Nov 7 9
    • Axtria BabyKoala
      Good to hear you are taking a stand. More power to you.
      Nov 7
    • SAP mddg
      They CLEARLY have no idea what you are going through. You have enough on your plate.

      In your situation, would recommend you reducing your interaction with your parents (you don't need more stress). Repeat EVERY chance you get that you are very unhappy, have faced physical repercussions, and are, well, still not ruling out separation.

      And damn relatives. Explicitly ask your parents to tell your relatives that you are extremely busy settling in here, and under a lot of work pressure (changing jobs - not a lie), so you have ABSOLUTELY no personal time now. People in India think that the US is some rainbow-land where you can just breeze through life, and end up with pots of gold at the end!

      If your parents CONTINUE not understanding &/ or continue bringing up 'relative' nonsense, either take your mother into confidence separately (if you think she'll understand), OR, limit your interaction with them. Just tell them personal + professional stress & work-load means you DO NOT have time to talk much with them. Your life is not a cake-walk, make that clear to them.
      Nov 7
    • Amazon ibpK67
      OP
      ☝️That’s some good advice on managing interactions with parents. Thanks very much @SAP mddg !!
      Nov 7
    • Apple bgjvv
      You are an successful independent women, and I’m confident you will be fine.

      Probably do counseling, talk openly, and make it clear that if that’s what the expectation is then it’s not fair to you.

      Your parents will be disappointed, but they will get along with time, and if not let them stay disappointed. It’s your life, your health and happiness first. Also, to break this shit 17th century mindset of people, more people have to step up, and you should do so without fearing anything. Or else, this continues generation after generation.
      Nov 7
    • SAP mddg
      Happy to help, OP. Just to add, when speaking to them, amp up your pain points (including about life here, you need to do EVERYTHING yourself, with no household help at home, bla, bla - you get the drift). Stress more on the pain points, and tone down (or out) any moments of levity. They need to hear you from 7.5K+ miles away. Good luck!
      Nov 7
  • On a more serious note. Do NOT have kids until you completely resolve your issues
    Nov 7 1
    • Microsoft WordPPT
      Fully agree. Then you’ll go from contract labor to full time slave
      Nov 7
  • Microsoft UrxP10
    Still, this is just one side of the story. So, @op, please don't take any of these advices. They mean ill for you in long term.
    Nov 7 7
    • Microsoft UrxP10
      @mddg, how long have you been divorced. Looks not long enough. Give it some more time. And meanwhile, please don't ruin another women's life with your shitty advise.
      Nov 7
    • Urx how long have you been abusive to your wife?
      Nov 7
    • Amazon / Eng SmkWdEvyDy
      We don't need any other side of the story. OP doesn't feel good in the relationship, OP should leave. The other side doesn't matter whatsoever.
      Nov 7
    • Microsoft FartClowd
      Whatever, it’s an arranged marriage you twit, it is not 1541 anymore, divorce his ass and get on Tinder
      Nov 7
    • Amazon mopfloor
      Guys... it’s so much worse being divorced and alive than beaten and dead. At least when you are dead , you can’t bring shame to your family by getting divorced. /s
      Nov 8
  • Cisco Persistant
    This is how it is going to play out . It is going to take a decade or more years of time to train your husband to think of you, him and future kids as one family unit and his parents as extended family. During the decade, your mind will be occupied with resolving the conflicts, issues and begging your husband. Bigger things in life like financial independence, investments, and kids will suffer. He will come around after a decade or two though. By that time, you would have lost most precious years.

    What you can do is, instead of fighting in laws battle with husband, you take initiative and go after bigger things. Buy a nice and big home with mortgage. If you want to have kids, go ahead and have them. Put them in nice day cares. Show $15k+ bills per month to your husband. He will automatically come around to focus on his family.
    Nov 7 12
    • SAP mddg
      "Physical abuse - new information"

      Didn't you read OP's post & comments before commenting?

      The 'advice' you are meting out is not appropriate even for most healthy relationships, forget about one like OP's. Do you even understand what 'marriage' means? Hint: it's doesn't mean one partner breaking their back while the other tramples all over them.
      Nov 7
    • Cisco Persistant
      MDDG, I actually do not need to justify anything to you. Bit surprising to see you are getting personal with your attacks.
      Nov 7
    • SAP mddg
      Persistant, I am not the only one who called you out above. I'll let that speak for itself. I rest my case.
      Nov 7
    • Cisco Persistant
      You have support from others to make personal attacks if I differ from your views. Good to know that.
      Nov 7
    • SAP mddg
      A simple 'personal attack', and you are not able to get over it. Yet you are advising OP to get over abuse AND achieve X, Y, Z. Maybe consider practicing first before preaching. 'Nuff said, won't be responding further.
      Nov 7
  • Microsoft
    muleking

    Microsoft

    PRE
    Taco Bell, Campbell Soup, Jack in the Box
    mulekingmore
    Arranged marriages are the devil. Change my mind.
    Nov 7 2
    • Amazon ibpK67
      OP
      I thought so too , and stayed away from getting married to a total stranger - for a long time. However, things changed when I met my husband . He came across as an extremely caring guy and made a really good impression on me . However - I realize I was wrong 😢
      Nov 7
    • eBay byesrch
      How long did you know him before tying the knot?
      Nov 7
  • Citadel BrutеForce
    Leave.
    Nov 7 1
    • New QTdN03
      It sounds like he is not mature enough for you, and he probably never will be. You are in America now. Take control of your life and be independent—leave!!
      Nov 7
  • Ford Rajat
    I feel sorry for you. I hv similar experience with my wife.
    Nov 7 3
    • MathWorks eou
      What did you do dude?
      Nov 7
    • Microsoft swiss2
      Same with my wife
      Nov 8
    • MathWorks eou
      I think there are lot of people in the same boat 😔
      Nov 8
  • Amazon kha32283
    I am South Asian and you should seriously consider leaving before kids come into the picture. People don't really change as they grow older. If you feel you won't be happy with this dude for the next 30-60 years of your life then do consider leaving. I know divorce is extremely taboo but at least you can support yourself, unlike most women in the east stuck in bad marriages. Do muster up the courage to at least putting that option out there.
    Nov 7 0
  • Flagged by the community.

    • my wife just saw me chuckling and busted me. She told me to apologize for trolling a serious post. Sorry, so there
      Nov 7
    • GoDaddy / Eng zkj326sk
      Really? Stop abusing women in the name of culture, just bcoz it existed doesn't mean it's right.
      Nov 7
    • Oracle mci
      Your wife is also on blind?? LOL
      Nov 7
    • Yes surely we aren’t the only tech couple
      Nov 7
    • Yahoo v_unknown
      This is ridiculous! Honestly, men like you are the root cause. And I’m sure you will teach your kids the same. God save your wife.
      Nov 7
  • Amazon KRONjob
    Leave now. My mom was in the same position as you with the whole arranged marriage thing. Till this day she regrets staying. She tries to hide it but the regret is there. It's like a stack. The regret is buried among piles of reasons to stay. It's absolutely painful to see as a son. I wish she had the courage to leave but she didn't have a job and wasn't educated enough to live on her own. You can do it though. You live once. Please don't suffer.
    Nov 7 0
  • Amazon / Eng SmkWdEvyDy
    Get a divorce and marry someone who isn't a fuckwad.
    Nov 7 0
  • Apple %<~}?,~|
    If spouse is physically abusive, there is no reason to stay in the marriage. Assault is a criminal offense.

    You have no children and you have a job.
    Leave as soon as you can.

    Get a decent lawyer, also ask maybe your company HR about domestic violence helplines or support groups.

    Be aware that separation is a long process and can be messy emotionally and financially.

    Power to you. Now go do your thing!
    Nov 7 1
    • MathWorks eou
      Can you throw some light on this long messy process, maybe it will be helpful.
      Nov 7
  • NVIDIA warr34
    Communication is key when it comes to marriage. I would say you both go for a vacation in US, spend time together away from work, away from mobiles, away from families. Engage in some activities, either join new sport or art classes.

    Also most importantly try to tell him your situation in calm way. Don't panic, don't fight, just calmly discuss your problem with him. If he don't understand then I don't see point of staying with him. It's better to pull trigger before having kids.
    Nov 7 0
  • The SJWs are flagging and reporting any post that doesn’t bash Indian men as evil. Wow
    Nov 7 3
    • Zulily Nt-yr-bsns
      What's SJW?
      Nov 7
    • SAP mddg
      People are OK bashing women and making blatantly sexist comments like 'Indian women are "supposed to" adjust after marriage' in a post where the OP is facing mental & physical abuse from her husband, but THEN cry foul when their post is flagged. And to top it all, such people happen to be married. Indeed, wow.
      Nov 7
    • Cisco chuckRobbi
      Social Justice Warriors. Keyboard type usually.
      Nov 8
  • Flagged by the community.

    • Salesforce zombied
      Are you crazy? Regardless of what she's saying to him, physical abuse is a no-no! Please don't teach your daughters such trash that they should put up with a man beating them even if the reasons are "legitimate". And sons too!
      Nov 7
    • Amazon rockNrol
      I will teach my kids whatever I want stfu
      Nov 7
    • SAP mddg
      Flagged
      Nov 7
  • Microsoft sunofa🍑
    We're a bunch of strangers here, so don't expect very specific suggestions much.

    But I'd follow some common sense  rules to estimate situation and next steps as well:

    - Do you trust each other and feel safe in your relationship?

    - Do you feel like your current relationship can work out? Is your husband someone with whom you can talk openly and make things work?

    - Have you tried to make things work? How many attemts you made and how were your attempts met?

    - Your family supports traditional standards, which don't really feel good on your end. Do you feel you'll be happier if you quit and go against their will?

    Each of your relatives and people around have  their opportunity to live a happy life. Whether they followed traditional cultural rules or made hard choices and are being a "rebel" - it's their choice. If you feel utterly unhappy in your current relationship, you've tried to fix things and nothing worked - you did enough. Aknowledge this and move on. By the end of the day it's your life, and no one has more interest in making it great than you.
    Nov 7 0
  • Intuit Smzc58
    This is so relatable. Its so common in indian families where husband is just a puppet of his parents.There was a famous psychiatrist who said husband and wife should join hands and form a circle and no one should enter that circle not even thier parents.
    Nov 7 0
  • Uber / Eng itsdara
    Hit you once shame on him, hit you twice? I'm a guy and I tell all girls that there's no second chance for a man who hits a woman. Protect yourself and your future children from this hell. To give an example, wish my own parents would divorce instead of tormenting each other every day.
    Nov 7 0

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