I have had a tough couple of years trying to stand up and set boundaries with my husband . This was an arranged marriage and he came across to me as a very friendly and cheerful person in our initial meetings. However things slowly started to unravel - he and his family gang up against me and plan for things without asking for my opinion- yet there is a very high expectation from me to show up for those plans. We live in the US , away from both our families - however my inlaws still manage to control how things play out in our lives and my husband - with no concern for our privacy keeps sharing every minute detail about our lives with his mother and takes her help with decisions. This had begun stressing me out and I almost lost my job , however i managed to prepare, interview and get a new job with the help of a few acquaintances. My family is extremely inline with the Indian culture of a wife adjusting to things in her married life and do not support me. I feel utterly confused. EDIT: I see some very supportive responses in this thread and i would thank every single one of you’ll. Admittedly it is just my version of things - but i appreciate the care and concern shown by the community , because , without a forum of this scale , it is definitely impossible for me to reach out to the community and gather opinions. I can only hope that the fact that i am reaching out and taking opinions would atleast communicate that I wouldnt for a second throw my partner under the bus by wrongly accusing of things. To everyone who is hearing me out - you have no idea how much you have cheered me up today with your support . i was alone and depressed , and didnt know of a source that would hear me out. I was feeling trapped. Thanks to everyone. No kids TC: 180k
I feel sorry for you. I hv similar experience with my wife.
Leave.
It sounds like he is not mature enough for you, and he probably never will be. You are in America now. Take control of your life and be independent—leave!!
Quit now, else it will become slow poison.
I fear that too. Infact it already is. I say this.. because I do not feel the courage to step away .. I feel weak due to a lack of support from my parents . They tell me - I should be kind and just do my part and be there for him - and that would change even the toughest of the souls. It feels like philosophy and very impractical to me . I could be wrong . But I really question myself why I need to be kind and serve someone who hurts me.
Read 21 lessons for 21st century, you’ll get all your answers including the meaning of your life. Then you’ll find courage to leave him and lead a much better life. Screw parents. Listening to them is like driving using rear view mirror
Have you tried talking to him and stating the problem? Sorry to say but a grown up seeking his family's advice for the smallest things as opposed to his wife insinuates the fact that he considers them more important. I would state clearly where you are right now and if thing don't improve what you will do. You're an independent working woman. Trust me, he'll have a hard time finding a decent woman than you find a decent man. Good luck.
Those are some very supportive and kind words. Thank you so much ! I tried expressing myself multiple times. He ended up hurling abusive words at me ( in our native language) - asking me how I dare place these accusations against him and his family, started to blame me and even hit me twice . 😢
Hit you? Wtf. Get out of this before you start getting used to this. Is this the 19th century? I got used to verbal abuse from my ex bf, I kept expressing my disappointment for years, hoping he would improve. We had arguments, loads of it but he wouldn't stop cussing at me. Like a chicken and egg problem. It took me a long time to get out of it. Now if a guy abuses me once, he gets a strict warning. He abuses me for a second time, I am out of it. No discussions. And if he hits me once or even threatens to hit me, I will call the cops. Real men are kind and value your opinions. Stand up for yourself, OP.
Ty to speak with him and get to know him better. Assume also good intentions. He speaks to his mom to get advice on how to act correctly. Maybe he is not aware of your feelings. My husband has also a very very close relationship to his parents and they annoy me from time to time, but I set boundaries and also have my free time. He can only look at at your forehead not behind. I don’t know how long you have been married, but it is your life and you can only decide what works for you.
I overheard him speaking over the phone with his mom. They were both verbally speaking ill of me . I have no clue what his mom was saying , but he was addressing me in a bad language and telling her what he plans to do if I do x vs if I do y.
Ok, this guy sounds immature and terrible. I am so sorry for you op.
It’s good you don’t have kids and if you are independent then you can think about leaving. I know leaving a marriage in Indian custom is still tough and as you have to answer so many people but there is no point living such life. Trust me I feel your pain and advising on my experience that things will go worse when you have kids and you can’t even leave at that time.
On a more serious note. Do NOT have kids until you completely resolve your issues
Fully agree. Then you’ll go from contract labor to full time slave
Most Indian men are PoS. I am saying this as an Indian man. It is rarity to find someone good and supportive in the face of family pressure especially when it comes to his family and especially especially when it comes from his mommy dearest. Tell him that he needs to choose between his marriage or his family. If he chooses marriage then he needs to keep his family out of your lives. You must do the same thing with your family. He clearly doesn’t understand the damage he is doing to your marriage and generally seems to not value your marriage over his relationship with his family.
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Duniya me Vishwaguru ka Danka
Arranged marriages are the devil. Change my mind.
I thought so too , and stayed away from getting married to a total stranger - for a long time. However, things changed when I met my husband . He came across as an extremely caring guy and made a really good impression on me . However - I realize I was wrong 😢
How long did you know him before tying the knot?