I found out that my husband has paid for multiple dating apps in the past 2 years - please advise?

Autodesk lolkjhygg
Apr 15 152 Comments

I'm married to my husband for the past 8 years and been dating 4 years before that - we're Indians, both engineers and living in bay area.

I found out last week that not only my husband downloaded the dating apps like Tinder, Clover, Bumble etc. but he subscribed for those apps paying the premium fee ranging from 10$-60$ per app.

After confronting, he said he was bored and just did that for fun - but he never did anything wrong. I'm in a confused state as to how I'm even supposed to react to this?

In his behavior, he never showed anything wrong or suspicious in these 2 years. I've gone on Euro trips with my friends and visited India alone 2-3 times. I don't know if anything happened during that time?

Please advise.

TC:200K

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TOP 152 Comments
  • Facebook FBDrunk
    Thanks for declaring your TC. I think that helped me understand your dilemma better. I think he has been offered a higher TC elsewhere. You should make a counter offer to see if he would stay.

    Love it how people here brag about TC even when asking about marital issues and cheating spouse. I was sympathetic until I saw the TC.
    Apr 158
    • Amazon gizB15
      Agree
      Apr 15
    • Amazon synonymos
      Love how people assume that something as bragging, when they are actually unaware of the intentions behind something
      Apr 15
    • Oracle pzd
      They don't brag. Post something without TC and the first response is going to be "TC or GTFO".
      Apr 15
    • Facebook deus
      It is just to preempt the inevitable TC or GTFO. Not even like 200k is bragworthy in this case.
      Apr 15
    • Oracle sufbo
      People here ask for tc all the time; get over it
      Apr 15
    • Uber / R&Djidao
      Who on blind would ever brag about only 200k TC, come on it's very little compare to what you see on blind, it was just a protective measure from OP to avoid reply as "TC or GTFO"
      Apr 15
    • Uber
      2muchblind

      Uber

      PRE
      Apple, Microsoft
      2muchblindmore
      Fuck off @FBDrunk. Everyone says “TC or GTFO”. Have some empathy.
      Apr 15
    • New / Eng
      0110

      NewEng

      PRE
      Boeing, 500 Startups
      0110more
      People probably lie about their TC
      Apr 16
  • Tower Research Capital HIqq01
    As long as it's not Grindr, you are ok.
    Apr 158
    • Autodesk lolkjhygg
      OP
      Why?
      Apr 15
    • Amazon pajamaman
      ^lol
      Apr 15
    • Tower Research Capital HIqq01
      AIDS and stuff from gay sex. It takes a lot of effort to bed a woman, if he hasn't been gone awol for lot of nights, you are fine.
      Apr 15
    • Dumbass, you can get AIDS from having sex with a woman.
      Apr 15
    • Tower Research Capital HIqq01
      Women tend to be careful, it's a wild world in gay world. We
      Apr 15
    • Oracle pzd
      News flash!!! (Hlqq01 rushing to make appointment with gp)
      Apr 15
    • Flagged by the community.

    • Amazon bBEK78
      Actually, AIDS cannot be contracted as it's not an actual disease. It's a syndrome caused by an untreated (or failed treatment, which is rare today) HIV infection.

      It doesn't always take a lot of work to bed a woman either. You can get a number of infections from males or females. HIV isn't the concern it used to be.
      Apr 15
  • Dell Rambo12
    U can do the same as him...pm me
    Apr 150
  • Morgan Stanley hotChicken
    He probably fucked other women. I am sorry
    Apr 150
  • Nvidia monolith
    Nah nothing wrong with it. There comes a time when one just wants to see what ones market value is. He probably did the same. Also do not worry, Indian guys are at the bottom of the dating barrel anyway. So he probably wouldnt have got anyone to fuck. Also, since he had to pay for it, he hardly had any matches.
    Apr 1511
    • Nvidia monolith
      No its not completely wrong! Absolutely wrong. What if one fine night he was horny, she wasnt there, he right swiped, got matches, jerked off and then never even chat with that female/male? Is that cheating? Fortunately or Unfortunately I do not have such linear way of thinking, so I would have done the same if my family was involved.
      Apr 15
    • F5 Networks hmm....
      Talk about yourself being at the bottom of the barrel.

      Don’t give a verdict. I have multiple girls from all ethnicity. Could be your looks?
      Apr 15
    • Nvidia monolith
      Dude, it is a well known fact, just do your research. Just because you have had multiple dates doesn’t make it true for all Indians right? You might have a nice physique, take care of yourself and have a hobby!
      Apr 15
    • F5 Networks hmm....
      What you is called being a racist! Stop all this nonsense and labeling people.
      Apr 15
    • F5 Networks hmm....
      Must be a well known fact in your town. Where I come from, people are good looking.
      Apr 15
    • Intel uRock
      There is porn for that.. but if one is signing up for these apps and paying money for it.. intentions are clear.. if he was not caught he would have crossed your the line or who knows he already did
      Apr 15
    • Intel uRock
      Hmm... dude i come from same place as you 😉
      Apr 15
    • F5 Networks hmm....
      Agree with uRock!
      Apr 15
    • F5 Networks hmm....
      That’s what I thought bro!
      Apr 15
    • Nvidia monolith
      Good for you guys 😂
      Apr 15
  • Flipkart wPBQ26
    Husband's TC? And YoE?

    Jokes apart, he has definitely been cheating, but you won't get any real help here. You should talk to a marriage counselor.
    Apr 152
    • Uber / R&Djidao
      I would say he definitely had the intention to cheat, and that's all that matters...
      Apr 15
    • LinkedIn / OpsSpin_Move
      This seems like some of the only sound advice here. Immediate jump to divorce is prob not good advice.

      Sounds like you have been partners for a long time. While none of us know what his intentions were, I personally would feel like he crossed a line (whether his intent was for amusement or not... imo looking at other women's profiles to check out pics etc still borders on cheating type behavior, and may not be explicit intent to cheat, but it's certainly not explicit intent to stay faithful either.) Since only you two can talk out his intentions, boundaries/lines he crossed, you probably need to talk to him many times, calmly and without accusing, to understand where he stands. Based on that talk to a counselor if you want to work things out and get more open about where you both stand in your relationship. Most of the ppl here are prob right, this may have been at least emotional cheating. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. You may have to think deep about whether you are being naive and believing he did nothing, or evaluate whether you can build up your trust in him after he's broken it.
      Apr 15
  • Microsoft Hyad70
    Cheating often begins virtually and then progresses to live and physical - I would dump him.
    Apr 150
  • Amazon lolwhat
    Lawyer up.
    A good lawyer will take everything away from him, including all his future.
    So he won't be able to get any women ever.
    Apr 153
  • Flagged by the community.

    • Facebook lazyyyy
      Hahahahahhahahhaahhaha 😂
      Apr 15
    • Facebook lazyyyy
      @pzd, comment of the year. Sad but true
      Apr 15
    • F5 Networks hmm....
      Perhaps you and your brethren! It’s a pretty vile racist comment
      Apr 15
    • Facebook lazyyyy
      It’s not racist lol Indians are awesome. They just can’t get laid even if their life depended on it
      Apr 15
    • Oracle pzd
      Dude it's not racist if it comes from an Indian 😂
      Apr 15
    • Oracle pzd
      > They just can’t get laid even if their life depended on it

      Lol true. Movies have been made about that shit
      Apr 15
    • Facebook lazyyyy
      I’m sorry hahaa I can’t get laid either
      Apr 15
    • F5 Networks hmm....
      So someone will make a vile movie, you will believe that. Do you understand the word - stereotype.
      Apr 15
    • F5 Networks hmm....
      Who made the movie - some crazy racist dude?
      Apr 15
    • Facebook lazyyyy
      Stop being so salty. Try getting laid, it’ll take the edge off
      Apr 15
  • Intel uRock
    Wow.. just reading comments above. More than your post its sad to see how insensitive people can be when they are faceless.
    Anyways OP I think you are on wrong platform asking this question. I think talk to common friends and family members. First make him realize what he did is wrong and then no one but you can judge what’s best. It’s a hard time for you but eventually you will overcome. Keep strong
    Apr 153
    • Oracle pzd
      Honestly, when you are an Indian woman dealing with a cheating husband, friends and family will just tell you to overlook it. OPs family may be great and supportive, but it's just the culture.
      Apr 15
    • Intel uRock
      Men surely will but I think even Indian women are very strong about this. I am sure she will get the right support and advice
      Apr 15
    • Intuit / Product
      BlindPM

      IntuitProduct

      PRE
      Stealth Worker
      BlindPMmore
      Please, I'm brown and there's no way in hell my family or friends would say to overlook it - that's ridiculous.

      Anyway, if your husband was paying for stuff, his intentions are clear. Try to deal with this calmly and rationally - if you suspect he hasn't been faithful during the 8 years, you have to re-assess everything - see if he's someone you could ever trust again or simply walk away. Sorry you're dealing with this - find a close friend / therapist asap to talk to.
      Apr 15
  • Airbnb he110
    Why is TC relevant? Is it a troll?
    Apr 152
    • New wkn5x8w
      Husband was seeking a high TC wife, while current wife has only 200k, goal was 300k.mimimum
      Apr 15
    • Oracle pzd
      Learn to blind
      Apr 15
  • Yes he cheated on you , I’m sorry . If you don’t have kids move on ASAP .
    Apr 150
  • Amazon trailblzer
    He was bored of what?
    Apr 154
    • Dell Rambo12
      Women wont understand it
      Apr 15
    • IBM / Engbbw lover
      Bored of her
      Apr 15
    • Nvidia monolith
      Bored in life! Some of us whose lives are spent in front the laptop, we generally tend to get bored very easily. After being in a relation for so long it is not unnatural to get bored, but if one ACTED on that by having an affair, physically or mentally, that is terribly wrong. Life is not always black and white.
      Apr 15
    • Dropbox systest
      Men usually do not want to keep fucking the same woman for years. Natural selection dictates that.
      Apr 15
  • Oracle peace.out
    r/relationships
    Apr 150
  • Cloudera / Strategy
    pp12

    ClouderaStrategy

    PRE
    IBM, VMware
    BIO
    Ivy league MBA, IIT
    pp12more
    Is he from IIT? If yes, it’s completely harmless. What are the chances that an IITian can pull this off - they are the most risk averse folks you will see generally speaking.
    Apr 156
    • Flipkart wPBQ26
      Not true. If he is not bad looking, he has a better chance of pulling this off as compared to other non-IITian Indians. These guys have too much confidence (even if misplaced) and women dig it.
      Apr 15
    • Cloudera / Strategy
      pp12

      ClouderaStrategy

      PRE
      IBM, VMware
      BIO
      Ivy league MBA, IIT
      pp12more
      What are the chances he is good looking. :)
      Apr 15
    • Flipkart wPBQ26
      Can't say if he is good looking. But he married a woman with 200K TC, so he is probably "not bad looking".
      Apr 15
    • Oracle pzd
      > What are the chances he is good looking. :)

      Somewhere between 0 and none
      Apr 15
    • Indeed / Engindoodle
      @pp12 OUCH but also LOL
      Apr 15
    • Aon Hewitt sfstreets
      Santosh
      7d
  • LinkedIn EngAdvice
    What are the chances he is on blind and reading this question?
    Apr 150
  • Synopsys micropcrs
    Funny he never said he was trying to learn from all these apps for his next business ideas 😊
    Apr 151
    • Oracle pzd
      He could have said that tinder offers better TC, so he was just prepping for interview 😂
      Apr 15
  • IBM / Engbbw lover
    Divorce. I know a lawyer. He gives me a 30% cut as finder's fee. Want to split 50-50?
    Apr 151
    • Google 3/2=1
      Nice trick to find yourself a divorcee
      Apr 15
  • Oath / MgmtAtinlay2
    Divorce
    Apr 150
  • Microsoft ncfj
    Why would you go to Blind with this info?
    Apr 153
    • Nvidia monolith
      Because it has been proven by Einstein (or Newton? I am not sure) that internet strangers are the best ones to approach for such sensitive issues. Especially strangers in the tech community, most of them being Asians (majority of them dont have a life), are the best with such advices .
      Apr 15
    • Microsoft ncfj
      Tesla had the original theorem. Einstein stole it
      Apr 15
    • Oracle pzd
      Only internet strangers will give it to you like it is. Friends and family are just too sensible for that.
      Apr 15
  • LinkedIn / Engganache
    It is almost 99.99% certain that he was cheating on you (or was trying very hard to, but couldn't get laid). Now it's up to you. You know him, we don't. Do you think he will repeat this, maybe more discreetly? Or do you think he's over it? Do you still love him despite all this? Only you can answer these questions. Think carefully about it for a few days before you take a decision.
    Apr 150
  • New wkn5x8w
    Divorce!
    Apr 150
  • Netflix / Engwokebae
    @autodesk - chances of actual cheating are incredibly low. Attractive, young, *single* Indian men have some difficulty getting matches on dating apps, let alone dates and beyond...this stuff takes time and effort. So, unless your hubby looks like Hrithik Roshan, you don't have to worry he cheated in a hurry.
    That said, it is *some* cause for concern that he is "bored". He's a poor communicator for not talking these issues through with his partner first, for sure. But you can be the bigger person here and take it calmly. Introspect, have you felt as he has recently? Discuss what you could do to make your life/relationship more interesting to both of you. Perhaps you can play a game of looking at profiles on tinder together and laughing about it. Many men who are in committed relationships before this dating app stuff have some fomo that they've missed out on something amazing. Little do they realize that it's mostly a endless scroll shitshow. So, just because he got an app (and yes, even paid for it), is not a guarantee or even a good signal that they would cheat.
    Apr 158
    • Oracle pzd
      Who is Hrithik Roshan?
      Apr 15
    • F5 Networks zapzap.
      Dude, your advice is good but you really didn’t have to put down Indians for that. Perhaps, you weren’t successful in dating doesn’t mean all Indians aren’t. Why do you have to stereotype?
      Apr 15
    • Netflix / Engwokebae
      Like an Indian Brad Pitt
      Apr 15
    • Netflix / Engwokebae
      I hope I didn't word as a put down zapzap, it was more statistical based on stuff I've read about brown men and dating apps in general.
      Apr 15
    • F5 Networks zapzap.
      Bro - i am an Indian have dated so many women from so many cultures. Please don’t generalize. Are you sure that reading was not stereotyping?
      Apr 15
    • Oracle pzd
      > I have dated so many women

      😂😂 Ok why do you feel compelled to say this?
      Apr 15
    • F5 Networks zapzap.
      Have you heard about induction theory- you have to start from 1 and then generalize to n.

      I am that 1 🤣
      Apr 15
    • F5 Networks zapzap.
      Just to tell folks over here that you are incorrect and don’t label us.
      Apr 15
  • BlackRock xis
    Your husband is going through mid life crisis.
    He’s looking for a distraction doesn’t necessarily sexual.
    See a therapist if you want to preserve your marriage. Or one day he will just walk out like Siddharth.
    Apr 150
  • Salesforce tensorchic
    Marriage counseling.
    You need to bring back the passion and the energy into the relationship. All is not lost.
    Just don't have children before stability and trust is restored. But this can be salvaged if this is the only problem.
    Apr 161
    • Salesforce tensorchic
      PS: I've been in an LTR where the guy admitted to being sexual with other woman when we were long distance. I gave it some thought and honestly it's not a big deal. I'd rather have him
      1) able to speak the truth to me
      2) satisfy his needs in a healthy way with mutual consent, instead of watching underage porn or paying for escorts, if he absolutely needs to
      Once I put it in perspective I realized that there are so many things in a relationship and sexual infidelity need not break it.
      In your case its not even that bad. You can go for counseling and take stock of the situation.
      Apr 16
  • Facebook
    machghost

    Facebook

    BIO
    that would be telling
    machghostmore
    Entirely possible that he’s been using dating apps w/o IRL contact. In which case you could perhaps compare his behavior to porn consumption, and the it depends on how you feel about that. The premium fees are a bit red flaggy however. Has he showed you the messaging history on the apps? I’d consider that a reasonable ask.
    Apr 150
  • LinkedIn EngAdvice
    Confront him. Come back with what he says.
    Apr 150
  • Amazon kLcS83
    I think you should talk to me and share explicit texts.
    Accidentally slip him the same as a proof, and see his reaction.
    I'm rooting for #doubleStandards
    Apr 150
  • Oracle pzd
    I have never been in the dating scene in the US, or anywhere for that matter (married high-school gf). Out of curiosity - to those who are talking about poor deal Indian men get on the dating apps - do Indian girls not use those same apps? Are they genuinely not interested in Indian men?
    Apr 152
    • There are very few single Indian women in the Bay Area , relative to the number of Indian men
      Apr 15
    • Amazon jQpf16
      Indian girl here, No Interest in Indian men. Thanks.
      3h
  • Oracle pzd
    I am sorry to say this but it's cheating even if your husband didn't (get to) fuck anyone. That being said, you may want to gather more evidence of violating the marriage contract to improve your chances of hanging him out to dry in a divorce lawsuit.
    Apr 152
    • Intel uRock
      It’s California
      No fault divorce state
      Apr 15
    • Oracle pzd
      May be the op did not get married in CA? Not sure if that makes a difference though
      Apr 15
  • Northern Trust / Financesimple🕉
    Take control of your relationship and spice it up again. He is in desperate need of some true affection. You lost the fight not the battle.
    Apr 150
  • eBay eBoo
    I'm sorry. I was always thinking about you the whole time I was fucking others. I ♥️ you babe...
    Apr 150
  • Microsoft techie0708
    OP, Please follow up with the outcome. I gotta know how this story ends
    Apr 150
  • Microsoft TonyM
    No way to explain away this one
    Apr 150
  • Oracle fuuaaassh
    I’d suggest try to get some concrete proof before divorce or confrontation...
    Apr 151
    • Clover Health sinkinship
      What more concrete proof than hookup apps? Intention is 9/10ths of the law.
      Apr 15
  • New wkn5x8w
    It's called user research
    Apr 151
    • SAP quo vad
      ..in 'how to cheat, my marriage be damned'
      Apr 15
  • Facebook public2
    Ask his girlfriends for deets
    Apr 151
    • Oracle pzd
      And her TC please
      Apr 15
  • Twitter juJJ15
    Maybe he banged some girl. Who cares. He still comes home to you and I’m sure he loves you.
    Apr 160
  • Netflix <NA>
    Depending on your car situation check his uber/lyft history too.
    Apr 150
  • Morgan Stanley ninja007
    Does it matter that he tried to cheat? Or the fact that he actually may have cheated? That’s the question you need to ask yourself. What matters to you more ?

    If it’s the former - then you know you need to move on.

    If it’s the latter - then have him log in everywhere and see what went on there. You’ll know what you need to do.
    Apr 150
  • Intel Act2016
    He is lying. Sorry

    Make the comment that Lorena Bobbit knee how to handle stuff like this.
    Apr 150
  • Uber
    2muchblind

    Uber

    PRE
    Apple, Microsoft
    2muchblindmore
    Marital counseling. If he refuses, and you guys don’t have kids, then stop wasting your time on him and dump him. Hell, even if you do have kids, consider the same.

    Sometimes people fail to explain what they really want out of their partner and try to look for easy ways out.
    Apr 150
  • Qualcomm / Eng
    Tintontun

    QualcommEng

    PRE
    Qualcomm
    BIO
    Embedded software engineer
    Tintontunmore
    Thank you for authenticating your account on blind by providing your TC so we may continue to provide you with the best assistance.

    It could just be that he really wants to explore. Whether he did screw around is like Schrodinger's cat. You've to ask yourself if he did is that a deal breaker for you. Is he truthful person, do you trust his words. I have on occasion checked out a dating app or two and I am in a relationship. Is he bored with you?
    Apr 150
  • Amazon kLcS83
    Buy a gun? You know and take shooting practises.

    And keep telling him in between about how you could kill him in self defence if he ever cheated on you. 😂
    Apr 150
  • Aon Hewitt sfstreets
    Divorce, I've come across many married men on these apps. They never tell me but I figure it out eventually
    7d5
    • Amazon caab17
      How do you figure it out without they telling you?
      2d
    • Aon Hewitt sfstreets
      I'm good at researching it. Google has a ton of info plus LinkedIn and/or FB
      2d
    • Amazon caab17
      Lol. Technology foiling the cheating! That's had to be a win for technology
      2d
    • Aon Hewitt sfstreets
      Haha for sure!
      Yesterday
    • Amazon caab17
      Or stalking ...
      Yesterday
  • Microsoft vivalavida
    Just wondering how you found this...
    Apr 155
    • Oracle pzd
      Credit card statements
      Apr 15
    • Oracle pzd
      New dating app idea - tinder but cash only
      Apr 15
    • LinkedIn EngAdvice
      Or when she created her own account
      Apr 15
    • Dropbox systest
      Tinder with bitcoin
      Apr 15
    • Juniper scandeep
      She must have looked through his smartphone when he was sleeping.
      6d
  • Check the dates he bought premium accounts or downloaded the apps. Does that match with the time you left him alone?
    Apr 153
    • Oath / MgmtAtinlay2
      Does it matter?
      Apr 15
    • Oracle pzd
      No it doesn't
      Apr 15
    • May be he did all that for the excitement of it, which is also wrong but is not exactly cheating.
      Apr 15
  • Amazon vyNJ13
    How do u look like ? Well maintained?
    Apr 151
    • Twitter juJJ15
      How dare you say it might be a problem with her!!!
      7d
  • Amazon jQpf16
    I am sorry for what you are going through. First things it sounds like you really want to believe him that nothing happened. While he is probably true when he says nothing happened the paying for it says he tried and he tried really hard. So not only do you have a husband who wants to have sex with other women, it seems other women do not want to have sex with him. So, protect your heart but accept the fact that he is not committed to you. so where do you go from here 1. Do you want to save your marriage - yes, life is a long lonely road without a partner, but your husband has to come clean, apologise and promise never to do this again, from what you have said, it looks like he may not want to end the marriage but also does not seem to have much love for you. He probably does not want the reprisal that will come from his family and your family, friends etc. the question is is he truly truly sorry that he hurt you or is he worried about how you will react? take your decision based on that 2. Do you have kids? is he a good father- how does that weigh in on your decision ? 3. Are you fearful of being without him? Do you believe you can live a happy life without him? - If you are operating out of fear, then think about what you want to do next. I think your husband is shit and you can do better, if I were you I would leave him. whatever you decide to do, watch your money closely, maintain separate accounts, keep collecting proof of his cheating and do not let him know of any nest egg, squirrel away what you can discreetly, bide your time and when this happens again (it will and you know it) give him a kick in the nuts he wont forget.
    3h0
  • Aon Hewitt sfstreets
    FYI I don't know about other countries but there's a lot of guys from India here on consulting projects that are on these apps (married and have kids). Guess this is their way of getting away with it, I'm sure the spouses are too busy taking care of the kids and their own work .
    2d0

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