I want kids in the future, boyfriend does not

Google / Eng 1l
Jul 10 59 Comments

I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about 2 years. We’re both in tech and in our mid-20s. Everything is great, except I want kids in the future and he doesn’t want kids at all.

WWYD?

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TOP 59 Comments
  • Google / Eng
    ¯\_{ツ} _/¯

    Google Eng

    BIO
    Did a startup, got acquired, did VC, now at Google and angel investing.
    ¯\_{ツ} _/¯more
    I think one of the toughest lessons I had to learn the hard way was that loving someone isn't enough for a life partnership. You need to have overlapping values and complementary goals. You can love him, but if you want kids and he doesn't, it's not a good match in the long run. I'm so sorry you're in this predicament, it's really tough and must feel horrible. I personally know 4 couples that spent their 20s together and then split in their 30s over this exact issue. In all of them, the woman wanted kids and the man didn't. One woman is having a baby on her own, 2 are dating in their late 30s still hoping to start a family, one married a divorced man with kids from his first marriage. Other outcomes definitely exist, just sharing what I see with my friends in their mid and late 30s.

    Also...this is going to sound harsh, but the pickings of single people without baggage start to thin out in your late-20s (people tend to couple up if they want to start families or be in lifelong committed relationships) and it gets harder for women to date as they get older because high-achieving men tend to be willing to date younger women, but high-achieving women tend to want to date their peers. So if you are pretty sure he's not going to change his mind and you won't change yours, I think the wisest thing to do is to let you two go off and separately live the lives you want. Therapy can help you gain conviction on how likely either of you is to change your mind.

    Also, you might want to buy yourself some time and freeze your eggs or just talk to your obgyn about it. I rarely hear a lady say she regretted freezing them.
    Jul 10 4
  • VMware SweetPease
    Tell him it is your life goal to have x# of kids by age 30. Then ask him if you need to find someone else.
    Jul 10 1
    • LinkedIn tLnQ54
      The most honest approach here. Don't try to change his mind. The last thing you want to do is try to persuade him.

      Soon the years go by and your fertility window gets smaller by the day and you're still bacl where you are. Rip the bandaid off.
      Jul 10
  • Google workfrom🏝
    You are a woman in tech finding a replacement will be easy
    Jul 10 2
    • Probably has high standards though (as they should). Dating is like rerolling your RPG character, continuously hoping the RNG will bless you just one time but each roll takes a few months and a piece of your heart.
      Jul 10
    • Indeed Ioser
      well yeah thats why older people are jaded
      Jul 10
  • Wanting kids is irrational. You need larger property, college funds, bulkier cars and tremendous loss of freedom. And what if they have special needs? Severe allergies, mental health, birth defect, learning disability etc. Instead of 18 years, you may spend a lifetime caring for them.

    I have 3. They're weird and funny and all mine, but I'm not convinced it was terribly wise. Point being, finding a man who is open to this at mid 20 is an incredibly rare and distinct feature that you're cavalier with saying "Everything is great". It's not, you're completely different.

    You can't change him and you can't not want kids if you really do: find someone else.
    Jul 10 11
    • (father of 3 btw)

      Clarification: by irrational I mean it's an arbitrary trait. Biological maybe. Some people want kids. I'm one of them but can't explain it.

      > you should know what you are getting into

      Sure didn't. I'd guess very few parents do. It's one of the most unpredictable things. And while you can live comfortably with effort, it's still a bad ROI financially unless you're mama Musk.

      Id never go back and make a different choice because I can't imagine being without them now, but I don't have a good reason to feel like that. So my point to OP was don't wait for that trait to show up in Mr. Right. It could take long to never.
      Jul 10
    • Indeed Ioser
      theres a famous saying that to be a successful entrepreneur, you need to be a little dumb.

      if you were fully aware of the incredibly high chances of historical failure in building a successful company, most would never try, ensuring permanent failure.

      I think this applies to what bleatcode is saying. some things are too important to allow for the possibility of failure or an imperfect result to deter you. whether having kids is important or not to you is a completely different matter.
      Jul 10
    • Meetup q73smt
      Certainly irrational, but life is meaningless. So don’t get too in love with logic. It ultimately falls apart as a justification.

      The most time-tested way of avoiding complete existential despair is giving up the need to make your own life important and instead devoting yourself to your kids.

      As you age, all but a small exception of people become increasingly irrelevant and lonely in the world. Kids and grandkids are the best shot for most at staying connected to the world and receiving some sort of honest, non transactional human interaction.
      Jul 10
    • Groupon / Eng vrhj66
      q73smt that was beautiful. Thanks.
      Jul 10
    • Indeed Ioser
      yeah I particularly enjoyed q73smt’s lead statement cause I’ve fallen pretty deeply in love with logic to the extent that I feel like a robot. I feel like I don’t have a sense of emotions anymore cause everything i do is so planned out with the extremes capped and regulated. its a good reminder to be aware of.
      Jul 10
  • E*Trade / Finance cbEV72
    Don’t bring it up until deep in marriage, then he’ll have no choice to agree. Everybody does this
    Jul 10 12
    • Lockheed Martin / Other
      Schz3

      Lockheed Martin Other

      PRE
      industrialoptic
      Schz3more
      I was married for 10 years dating for a few years before that to someone who “I figured would change“. They didn’t. This changed the entire trajectory of my life. I’m much happier now that we’re apart for 14 years now, but I was unable to finish my PhD in the field I loved, I’ll probably never own a home again, and my retirement future is questionable.

      OP could hang in there, and maybe her boyfriend will come around, or maybe she’ll decide she doesn’t want kids, but neither of those are guaranteed. In five years she might be further entangled with him financially and still no children on the horizon. It’s not worth the risk, IMO, if children are important to her.

      Ppl have to pursue their dreams if you want them to come true.. If you just wait for them to come your way, it’s possible but much less likely. There is never any guarantee but it is possible to increase the odds
      Jul 10
    • E*Trade / Finance cbEV72
      Ok, you have a point. You have right to be pessimistic based on your experience. However I still think people change and also that your retirement situation will resolve positively. You might be in a particularly down stats if mood, but there’ll be sunshine after rain. Kids are overrated anyways
      Jul 10
    • Indeed Ioser
      unless in saturn
      Jul 10
    • LinkedIn tLnQ54
      Go ahead and trap him. Roll the dice and gamble. Don't act surprised if he initiates a divorce.
      Jul 10
    • Lockheed Martin / Other
      Schz3

      Lockheed Martin Other

      PRE
      industrialoptic
      Schz3more
      I have a friend who was breaking up with his college girlfriend at graduation . He made the mistake of telling her this plan ahead of time instead of jilting and then they still continued their relationship until the date. She went of the pill knowing he would do the right thing. She admitted this to him one drunken night years later. He gave up on his life dream (startup it of college) raised their kids until he last one was about done with college and then dumped her for his old HS gf. Now she is alone, careerless, and while financially secure thanks to him pretty dang lonely and unhappy.

      I understand their marriage was not fun, but my buddy is a stick it out kind of guy. I think she was less abusive than mine, just drank a lot, annoying and controlling.

      So sure, trapping will work on an honorable man... for a while.
      Jul 11
  • Oracle not_larry
    Break up today. Find someone who shares your values.
    Jul 10 0
  • Facebook iptv2009
    No future here: either you’ll be miserable with no kids, or he’ll resent you if you have kids.
    Jul 10 0
  • Red Ventures / Mgmt notsoanon
    Sorry, not sorry, lots of bad advice here. How many of you guys wanted kids in your mid-20's? I didn't and I bet many of you don't/didn't either. But I have two now and they are awesome little Benjamin burners. I love the little boogers to death.

    My point is that everyone's perspective changes over time. It's hard to know what someone is going to want in 5 years. Some guys will change as they get older and realize the truth (death comes for all), some won't change. Your job is then one of using your judgement to determine what is most likely.

    It's a tough call. People are far too ready recommend to discarding others these days. It's disturbing.
    Jul 10 5
    • Oracle not_larry
      Nice, so don’t trust the guy, just hope he changes, and roll the dice.
      Jul 10
    • Red Ventures / Mgmt notsoanon
      Every decision involves some roll of the dice.
      Not wanting kids is a common perspective among young men that does change for many by their early 30's. If he doesn't fit into this category maybe it's time to move on, but I would not take it lightly.
      Jul 10
    • Lockheed Martin / Other
      Schz3

      Lockheed Martin Other

      PRE
      industrialoptic
      Schz3more
      OP cannot bank on someone changing. OP must decide if their current partner is ok for OP as OP and their partner are today. If not move on.

      An equally likely scenario to the partner changing his mind in 5 years is he changes his mind in 20 years and leaves her for a younger woman who can still have children.
      Jul 10
    • Red Ventures / Mgmt notsoanon
      Everything else being equal, the same likelihood exists for any partner. That's my point.
      Jul 10
    • Lockheed Martin / Other
      Schz3

      Lockheed Martin Other

      PRE
      industrialoptic
      Schz3more
      Except everything is not equal. At least if they start out wanting kids, they are more likely to be happy they wanted it 15 years later. Change happens but is less likely than staying the same.
      Jul 11
  • Google / Eng leLh58
    Drop. Visit childfree.reddit.com to see why you shouldn't try to change person
    Jul 10 1
    • ForRent / Eng HpDp30
      That's an interesting subreddit!
      Jul 11
  • Google ggtf45
    Break up cut your losses quickly. Find someone who shares your values.
    Jul 11 0
  • Amazon dh-#8
    That's what is called a "deal breaker".
    Jul 10 0
  • Lockheed Martin / Other
    Schz3

    Lockheed Martin Other

    PRE
    industrialoptic
    Schz3more
    Disparate life goals are a deal breaker. Time to move on. It will hurt but one or the other of you will be unhappy in any partnership . You could always get a donor and still date him though single parenthood is hard and you will have little time for him for a few years. If you do follow this path , do NOT make him your donor. That will be fraught
    Jul 10 0
  • Uber / Eng mH7bSe
    He probably want kids when he turns 40 but you'll be too old for that.
    Jul 10 3
    • LinkedIn tLnQ54
      Yes. She'll be too old for kids, but he won't be.
      Jul 10
    • LinkedIn
      tendies

      LinkedIn

      BIO
      sex work, quantum computing, and crypto HFT
      tendiesmore
      Cringe. Sperm quality degrades . So unless they freeze sperm and eggs their kids will probably have problems. I have problems thanks to my parents waiting until they were on their 40s. So please don't bring more suffering into the world just because you want a career first. Kids are not an insurance policy or financial instrument.
      Jul 10
    • Lockheed Martin / Other
      Schz3

      Lockheed Martin Other

      PRE
      industrialoptic
      Schz3more
      More likely to have problems. Odds are still low. Check actual medical studies.
      Jul 14
  • Microsoft / Product oeUv00
    You don’t need man to have kids. Saying that you are in 20s, don’t think too much.
    Jul 10 1
    • Indeed Ioser
      what options are you suggesting
      Jul 10
  • Apple tim_c00k
    TC?
    Jul 10 0
  • Get a new BF.
    Jul 10 0
  • Samsung
    chajimogo

    Samsung

    BIO
    Stressed out but surviving
    chajimogomore
    This topic is a deal breaker. You have two options but given that he is only in his twenties his mind won’t change the next day:

    1 talk to him to see what his concerns are and see if you can help alleviate them
    2 just split up and find another guy that wants kids
    Jul 10 0
  • Twitter
    Oomnj

    Twitter

    BIO
    It’s all shitposts and jokes - get a sense of humor!
    Oomnjmore
    Yeah don’t wait too long for him to come around if you want kids
    Jul 10 0
  • Indeed Ioser
    break off yesterday. kinda weird that it took you the cost of two years to figure this out but at least now you know.
    Jul 10 0