I want kids in the future, boyfriend does not
I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about 2 years. We’re both in tech and in our mid-20s. Everything is great, except I want kids in the future and he doesn’t want kids at all. WWYD?
You are a woman in tech finding a replacement will be easy
Probably has high standards though (as they should). Dating is like rerolling your RPG character, continuously hoping the RNG will bless you just one time but each roll takes a few months and a piece of your heart.
well yeah thats why older people are jaded
I think one of the toughest lessons I had to learn the hard way was that loving someone isn't enough for a life partnership. You need to have overlapping values and complementary goals. You can love him, but if you want kids and he doesn't, it's not a good match in the long run. I'm so sorry you're in this predicament, it's really tough and must feel horrible. I personally know 4 couples that spent their 20s together and then split in their 30s over this exact issue. In all of them, the woman wanted kids and the man didn't. One woman is having a baby on her own, 2 are dating in their late 30s still hoping to start a family, one married a divorced man with kids from his first marriage. Other outcomes definitely exist, just sharing what I see with my friends in their mid and late 30s. Also...this is going to sound harsh, but the pickings of single people without baggage start to thin out in your late-20s (people tend to couple up if they want to start families or be in lifelong committed relationships) and it gets harder for women to date as they get older because high-achieving men tend to be willing to date younger women, but high-achieving women tend to want to date their peers. So if you are pretty sure he's not going to change his mind and you won't change yours, I think the wisest thing to do is to let you two go off and separately live the lives you want. Therapy can help you gain conviction on how likely either of you is to change your mind. Also, you might want to buy yourself some time and freeze your eggs or just talk to your obgyn about it. I rarely hear a lady say she regretted freezing them.
Good post
Really well written answer.
Wanting kids is irrational. You need larger property, college funds, bulkier cars and tremendous loss of freedom. And what if they have special needs? Severe allergies, mental health, birth defect, learning disability etc. Instead of 18 years, you may spend a lifetime caring for them. I have 3. They're weird and funny and all mine, but I'm not convinced it was terribly wise. Point being, finding a man who is open to this at mid 20 is an incredibly rare and distinct feature that you're cavalier with saying "Everything is great". It's not, you're completely different. You can't change him and you can't not want kids if you really do: find someone else.
I agree that people should not have kids
I would tend to disagree. I agree that it should be thought out and most people are not ready for it but I do not think it irrational. You are linking everything to money and say that it wasn't terribly wise as a mother of 3. I have a 200k car and bought another suv for the wife and kids. Yes I bought a extra car but my wife needed one anyway. I work harder and smarter with a better sense of direction and responsibility due to myself having kids. I have multiple properties. I've gained more than I lost due to having kids. I have 2 of my own and I have traded some freedoms in order to have them in my life but that like everything in life. Was it worth it? Hell yes. Would not trade it for the world and if it was between my life or theirs I would give it up without a second thought. People are different but I cannot understand parents that value their life over their child's. If you had kids you should know what you are getting into. Sad reality is that most do not. Called being immature/irresponsible. I agree that SOME people should definitely not have kids lol
Break up today. Find someone who shares your values.
No future here: either you’ll be miserable with no kids, or he’ll resent you if you have kids.
break off yesterday. kinda weird that it took you the cost of two years to figure this out but at least now you know.
Don’t bring it up until deep in marriage, then he’ll have no choice to agree. Everybody does this
Smh
+1 solid advice haha yes cause right now his cost of saying no is roughly 2 years of dinner dates. make it so his cost of saying no is utter financial and emotional ruin, half of all his shit, and being single in his 30s.
Disparate life goals are a deal breaker. Time to move on. It will hurt but one or the other of you will be unhappy in any partnership . You could always get a donor and still date him though single parenthood is hard and you will have little time for him for a few years. If you do follow this path , do NOT make him your donor. That will be fraught
Yeah don’t wait too long for him to come around if you want kids
Tell him it is your life goal to have x# of kids by age 30. Then ask him if you need to find someone else.
The most honest approach here. Don't try to change his mind. The last thing you want to do is try to persuade him. Soon the years go by and your fertility window gets smaller by the day and you're still bacl where you are. Rip the bandaid off.