I was having painful constipation last night so I took the maximum dose of two types of laxatives

Aug 8, 2018 25 Comments

There seemed like no other alternative. The poop cramps had reached a point that I was constantly doubled over in pain and even eventually vomited. My wife drove me to the local pharmacy where I hobbled down the laxative aisle and grabbed the first two brand names I recognized (generic version cuz 200 IQ). I figured that I was in the category of extreme constipation, and the dosage would need to be fitting. The box advised a 6 hour wait before the sweet release would come, so I went home and went to bed.

A few hours later, I woke in a cold sweat. I could tell that my bowels had experienced a change of heart, and I ran to the bathroom so we could work things out. What came next was nothing short of biblical, and I was lifted from my painful bondage to a state of physical tranquility. Once the dust had settled and my slack-jawed grin had faded, I crawled back into bed ready to enjoy a well earned night of rest. All was right in the world.

Not long after, I woke again. Apparently a deal had been struck calling for an encore, and I had not been informed. I ran again to the restroom for another quick performance, and then returned to bed. I was woken twice more during the night to deal with a pressing issue, and by the time morning had come I had had quite enough.

The laxatives had other plans. I lost count of how many trips I took to the bathroom today, but by rough estimation it is easily in the thousands. TP, one of my longtime friends and allies, has quickly become one of my most hated foes. My butthole is bloodied and battered due to the abuse it has endured today, and I fear the worst is yet to come. I sit here now, dreading the wipe that must inevitably follow.

Things are different here than they were from long ago this morning. All the leaves have fallen off the trees and the wind no longer dances through the chimes that hang dustily on the porch. Food has lost its flavor and only serves to fuel the demon aching to escape from within. I am older now. Older and more learned. I watch the younger generations pass by, ignorant of the scars left hidden between my cheeks. Ignorant of the suffering endured that they might continue to live in blissful innocence.

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TOP 25 Comments
  • Uber / Eng CodePimp
    Hahaha quite honestly that was the best Blind post Iโ€™ve seen in all time. Well done and I feel you 100% brotha
    Aug 8, 2018 1
    • Amazon tBnv11
      The best imo was by that ex-banker amazon guy who wrote that biblical story
      Aug 8, 2018
  • Amazon / Eng onMyWay
    That was a beautiful read OP. Iโ€™d like you to chronicle your next health issue if you donโ€™t mind.
    Aug 8, 2018 1
    • Uber / Eng CodePimp
      +1 we need more content like this on Blind.
      Aug 8, 2018
  • New B57glw
    Holly shit๐Ÿ”ฅ
    Aug 8, 2018 1
  • Google / Eng
    sergey

    Google Eng

    BIO
    Top Contributor or GTFO
    sergeymore
    I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.
    Aug 8, 2018 1
    • Capital One / Eng
      60%

      Capital One Eng

      BIO
      death by onions and peppers
      60%more
      And I unsubscribe.
      Aug 8, 2018
  • This comment was deleted by original commenter.

    • Amazon
      Insomzonia

      Amazon

      BIO
      iโ€™m having fun at amazon dot com
      Insomzoniamore
      Look, just do the needful.
      Aug 28, 2018
  • Zillow Group leetaxor
    wtf are we just lifting content right from Reddit now? wow this is pretty lame...
    Aug 8, 2018 2
  • Microsoft / Eng Tier 1
    Have you tried using poop cups?
    Aug 8, 2018 0
  • Amazon / Other
    pOnOs

    Amazon Other

    PRE
    Amazon
    BIO
    Why the fuck do you think I would put any personal information in an anonymous chat app? You seem really confused, @blind
    pOnOsmore
    I am pooping as I read this. So #relatable
    Aug 8, 2018 0
  • Compass / Eng
    FUPayMe

    Compass Eng

    PRE
    Google
    FUPayMemore
    ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚
    Aug 8, 2018 0
  • Amazon djusg27;*h
    Shit!!!! That was too long to read!
    Aug 8, 2018 0
  • I can't kick this. Anybody have a suggestion? Should I see a doctor?
    Aug 8, 2018 1
    • Amazon / Ops
      Insomzonia

      Amazon Ops

      BIO
      Iโ€™m the reason youโ€™re here.
      Insomzoniamore
      Are you Indian?
      Aug 8, 2018
  • Dialog Semiconductor / Eng DviN60
    Great writing. OP could have done an edema. Also Thereโ€™s a lotion you can get for that area.
    Aug 8, 2018 0
  • Apple / Eng WaTpwBZkwy
    Reminds me of sugar-free gummi bears
    Aug 8, 2018 0
  • Amazon / Ops
    Insomzonia

    Amazon Ops

    BIO
    Iโ€™m the reason youโ€™re here.
    Insomzoniamore
    Encore!
    Aug 8, 2018 0
  • Sony ESBe74
    Why is this not under Health? Are you indicating that this is your relationship problem
    Aug 29, 2018 0
  • Microsoft / Eng Tier 1
    This is the beauty of poop cups. No abuse or blood.
    Aug 28, 2018 0
  • eBay Buzzard
    "This is me now" Jim Jeffries' son
    Aug 8, 2018 0
  • Apple OFyj40
    Great post! Very entertaining. Blind should have stickies for โ€œbest ofโ€ categories.
    Aug 8, 2018 0

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