I'm 36 and rethinking my marriage

Microsoft / Eng svnjrwx
Jul 4 168 Comments

Been married for 7 years now and I feel it's not working for us. We are not emotionally connected or really care for each other. she's 5 years younger to me

No kids
Indian arranged marriage

Not sure what will be my options if I divorce. I want to have kids, and I know it's already late which depresses me every single minute 🙁

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TOP 168 Comments
  • BlackRock / Eng saywat
    I’m 37 and never been married .... while sometimes I feel lonely and wish I had a partner ... mostly I’m at peace and busy with my life .... because I know what I’m doing and why I’m doing it ....

    People think married is a solution ... it’s not ... it’s a problem and a big one if you don’t do it for the right reasons .....

    Most people in “love marriages” don’t really marry for love ... they think they did but they didn’t .... only difference between any arrange marriage and their love marriage is that they chose the partner instead of the parents ....
    Jul 4 10
    • Dish Network / Data XCsM67
      Wanting to have a family so that the family can take care of you when you're old would an example of marrying and having kids for the wrong reasons in my opinion.
      Jul 4
    • BlackRock / Eng saywat
      @XCsM67 - thank you ! If only other people read what was written and not what they wanted to read lol
      Jul 4
    • Tibco software rPT77
      That may be the only difference, but is is much nicer to make your own decisions than to have other people (especially parents) make them for you.
      Jul 4
    • BlackRock / Eng saywat
      @rPT77 - I meant they don’t really love that person (they chose themselves) ... they just got married because of some reason other than love ...
      Jul 4
    • Well, if I’m out of touch with reality then there is no hope for you and you’re counter-productive, illogical and ultimately selfish ideologies.

      You may want to start adopting some dogs to medicate your loneliness. Just don’t get cats. They are spawns of satan.

      I’ll just drop this here.

      “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” - C. S. Lewis.
      Jul 4
  • Symantec GoRams
    What is emotional connection?
    Jul 4 6
    • Symantec GoRams
      Is there a age gap?
      Jul 4
    • That sounds like you two didn't build a relationship. Just because you're married doesn't mean rapport and attraction will show up. You need to work for it and understand. Getting to an emotionally connected state with my S.O took us nearly four years and that's after lots of ups and downs and now we both miss each other like crazy when we are apart. Emotional connection is fostered and developed like a little baby or a puppy. Good luck. Sounds like the problem is fixable. Did you bring this up with your wife?
      Jul 4
    • VMware offshore
      ^this
      Jul 4
    • Emotional connection is when the hubby and wifey complete each other’s sentences I think 🤔
      Jul 4
    • Microsoft / Eng svnjrwx
      OP
      @Bling that's a great point! Probably we may still have to work on relationship building but I feel it's not coming from both the sides. What to do on that situation?
      Jul 4
  • Give me a referral to Microsoft and I’ll help you

    On a more serious note, this is exactly why I tell my folks that arranged marriage is a horrible idea
    Jul 4 17
    • Google / Eng hooli.xyz
      “I met her 2 days before the wedding”

      What the hell?!
      Jul 4
    • Microsoft / Eng svnjrwx
      OP
      I know it's hard to believe but true

      @boringdude yeah I made a mistake, but unable to digest there's no Ctrl+z in life
      Jul 4
    • LinkedIn boringdude
      Lol I mean I’m Indian but I wouldn’t marry someone in 2 days lol.
      That being said, I’ve met people who have done so and sometimes it works extreme well. Women who are willing to marry in 3 days are often very complaisant and flexible, and eleven if there’s a little bit of natural compatibility it makes a great fit from the guys perspective.
      Jul 4
    • JUUL sxNb74
      Try therapy? If that doesn’t work then consider the divorce. Take some time to get to know what you’re looking for and date. Dating is hard, but you learn a lot. Also @linkedin dude above...seriously your like your women “complacent”? (That’s how it’s actually spelled FYI). Such a douche. This is why my friends and I refuse to date dudes that grew up in India.
      Jul 4
    • LinkedIn boringdude
      Go look up the meaning of complacent.
      showing smug or uncritical satisfaction with oneself or one's achievements.
      You must be indian lol!

      And yeah if someone is being very flexible and accommodating any person with a brain would want such a spouse!

      Lastly, Indian culture is shitty. No one else would marry in 2 days of meeting.
      Jul 4
  • Google daizy31
    Kids will add a lot of additional stresses in your life . If you don’t have strong partnership, the marriage with kids will not survive and then you would have dragged innocent children through a ugly divorce. I suggest not having kids till you are in a happy stable relationship
    Jul 4 2
    • Facebook AttentionI
      This
      Jul 4
    • Microsoft / Eng svnjrwx
      OP
      @daizy31 thanks! I'll keep this in mind
      Jul 4
  • Oracle not_larry
    Why do you think it’s too late for you to have kids?
    Jul 4 7
    • Indeed indood
      You’re in America now. Forget about Indian standards and what is acceptable in India. At the end of the day you are responsible for your own happiness. If that means divorcing and dating to find a more suitable partner, go for it.
      Jul 4
    • Microsoft leet code
      Why do you think its too late to have a kid ? It would be more of a problem if your wife is 36, then she might have got into conceiving problems and delivery problems later.
      Jul 4
    • Microsoft / Product
      Brazuka

      Microsoft Product

      PRE
      Bain & Company
      Brazukamore
      Age to have kids only matters for women
      Jul 4
    • Microsoft / Eng svnjrwx
      OP
      @indoor thanks!

      @leet code I think that way seeing the society, friends, cousins.. also I'm 12 years old when my dad was at my current age!!
      Jul 4
    • SAP sq2
      OP, don't compare to a generation back! Lots of things have changed since then. You are not too old at all to have kids, and your wife is just 31! You do realize would-be parents should also be mentally prepared to have kids, not have them just to fulfil societal expectations!
      Jul 4
  • Microsoft
    BoomSauce

    Microsoft

    BIO
    Dropping knowledge and turds in equal measure
    BoomSaucemore
    Dude, if it's not working move on. I get the feeling you're worried about what people will say (ex: friends, family). Forget about that shit and do what you need to do so you can be happy.

    Life's too short for compromises of this sort.
    Jul 4 3
    • Microsoft / Eng svnjrwx
      OP
      Agree 100% But not easy as it sounds..
      Jul 4
    • Samsung goonda
      Also, it will be even more difficult once you have kids. Life is too short to live with regret. You should seriously consider marriage counseling.
      Jul 4
    • Microsoft / Eng svnjrwx
      OP
      I will ask her for counseling option not sure if she would agree though
      Jul 4
  • Amazon broke&dumb
    That's how 99% marriages are.
    Look around at other couples.
    Update your expectations.
    Jul 4 2
    • Cisco / Product U there
      Point
      Jul 4
    • Where is this 99% statistic coming from? Opinion. Just because the people in your awareness suck at marriage does not mean that marriage sucks, means you have a sucky circle of married friends. Update your choice in married friends
      Jul 4
  • Google / Mgmt snkprnt1
    Op - so here is what you should know - first fix your relationship issue. Having a kid is a harder proposition than being single or just married without kids. Once you have kid, the scope of disagreement not just widens, it really explodes.

    In my case, we had a special needs and we got diagnosis when he was close to 3. It was the hardest thing to hear as parents. We both had excellent relationship - I mean close to perfect. We sailed through those tough times. If we weren't emotionally connected, things would have been very different.

    For context, 80% + of all marriages end within two years of getting special needs diagnosis in US. It's a real statistic. This is usually because one parent can't accept their kid is special. I was that one, but my wife did convince me that all isn't lost. If you never had connection, you will be grieving and will drive you to desperation. I can also attest to the reality of this statistic, since I know enough broken families, due to kid's diagnosis.

    I am not saying you will have a harder situation like mine - but having a kid will not solve any of your existing problem. It will only compound it.
    Jul 4 2
    • Microsoft Dr. Root
      This is inspiring. Thanks for sharing 👍🏻
      Jul 4
    • Twitch brangot
      This is incredible, thanks for sharing your story.
      Jul 4
  • Amazon / Eng ScaleShit
    Why you guys dont ask if she is happy marrying you before marriage? This kind of situation arise when she connects to other guy emotionally and marry MICROSOFT guy on family pressure.
    Arrange marriage sucks
    Jul 4 6
    • Albertsons guy is probably her side guy tbh
      Jul 4
    • Amazon / Eng ScaleShit
      Is she working now ??
      Jul 4
    • Microsoft / Eng svnjrwx
      OP
      Yes she works now
      Jul 4
    • Amazon / Eng ScaleShit
      Then she should have been happy if work's the only reason. Consider asking her what she wants, what makes her happy, If she like to go movies.
      I had a gf who was with me just bcoz of Amazon name tag. She used to reply in one word to my questions. Got to know later she was seeing somebody which left me broken.
      You can never understand girls, there's no point in keep the relationship dead and regretting later. Give her time, take her out, care for her and if still she doesn't bother get away from this "contract"
      I know giving suggestions is easy but atleast give a shot.
      Jul 4
    • Microsoft / Eng svnjrwx
      OP
      @scaleshit thanks for sharing!
      Jul 4
  • Facebook xnxx.com
    Have a kid, then divorce?

    Fight like hell and get sole custody. Should be doable if you are 5 yrs older and have higher tc
    Jul 4 2
    • Booking.com / Other
      Punani

      Booking.com Other

      BIO
      🤬🤪🥴🥺🤫😜🤦‍♂️
      Punanimore
      Worst advice ever

      Stop trolling
      Jul 4
    • Google / Mgmt snkprnt1
      +1 to booking.com. don't ruin the life of a third individual who didn't deserve to be collateral in your fight.
      Jul 4
  • PayPal / Eng Ldyu87
    You are in delusion. Indian here, I am in love marriage. Frustrations generally arise after 4-5 years of marriage.
    Jul 4 4
    • Microsoft / Eng svnjrwx
      OP
      are you dealing with the frustrations even with love marriage?
      Jul 4
    • PayPal / Eng Ldyu87
      Yes. Same as you feel. See how to spice up your relationship ?
      Jul 4
    • Facebook AttentionI
      Frustration != Lack of connection
      Jul 4
    • New / Strategy
      Porsche996

      New Strategy

      BIO
      MIT BS MechE, Stanford GSB
      Porsche996more
      Explain more PayPal.
      Jul 4
  • Pandora . . .
    Do you like someone else ? Not trying to be an ass, but I’m in a similar boat as yourself.
    Jul 4 16
    • So... he is aware of the issue now, but in a few years he’ll have a mid life crisis and hurt people? How does that make sense? If he addresses the issue and starts working on his marriage this midlife crisis is definitely improbable. If he does nothing and just dwells in his discontentment until he has a mid life crisis then he is to be pitied, not sympathized with.
      Jul 5
    • Uber / Eng itsdara
      Suppose OP mention he finds his co-worker's husband attractive, do you suggest the same thing, sticking with the seven vows and stuff? This is Blind, people expect blunt assessment of the situation. I suggest radical solution to help OP play out this scenario in his head and realize the alternative may not be better, and hopefully change his attitude towards marriage, and not just wondering what ifs for the rest of his life. I think OP is already ignoring advices to work harder at his current marriage.
      Jul 5
    • Yes, I would suggest the same thing because words have meaning. The rest of blind seems to think that vows are a formality. This is the dumbest thing I’ve read in a long time. Your word is all you have in this life. The moment you show the world that you’re not good for your word, that you do not follow through, and that you quit when it doesn’t “feel” good... Well, friend, you just showed what you’re made of and it ain’t pretty.

      If the OP actually wanted it to work he wouldn’t be coming here to hear a bunch of dumb dumbs tell him what he wants to hear. He would go to his wife and work sh!t out.
      Jul 5
    • Uber / Eng itsdara
      Again this is Blind where people can ans should express very raw and unfiltered opinions. In person I would suggest people work together etc but at the same time wondering when they'll get divorced. I doubt OP and wife has the support of society to stay true to their Indian vows. Their family arranged this marriage so they do share some responsibility, and they're not here to support this couple. You can reiterate the vows and stuff on blind but you won't be there when they need encouragement to stick to their vows. They would have to go back to India if they want Indian values, and I've never met any Indian woman who wanna go back. Be a realist. I grew up in a very unhappy marriage and it affects me deeply, I do think it's better for unhappy and fighting couples to split up earlier to save the children a lot of trauma. I am happily married and take my duty very seriously. In the US people are very independent and there are very few reasons to put up with an unhappy relationship.
      Jul 5
    • This relativism + post-modernism will kill America. The end.
      Jul 6
  • Apple yidhx
    Indian style arranged marriages are not bad at all like it's being portrayed here on blind. The guy and the girl have every opportunity to get to know each other very well before making a commitment. The only difference from the Western countries style dating is that the sexual intercourse element is missing in some cases and testing that compatibility before marriage is also becoming pretty common these days in Indian arranged marriages..
    Jul 4 6
    • Google / Eng hooli.xyz
      “The guy and the girl have every opportunity to get to know each other very well”

      That’s still not common based on what my Indian friends and co-workers say.
      Jul 4
    • Apple yidhx
      @fb attentionl : I dont quite get what you mean to say. May be you assumed that mine is an arranged marriage and meant that I'm sticking to my opinion because of that reason?
      Jul 4
    • Apple yidhx
      @google : yeah, may be, it's hard if both are not in the same country, which is not very common in my social circle.
      Jul 4
    • Facebook AttentionI
      yidhx, if you didn't have an arranged marriage (or aren't thinking of having an arranged marriage in the future), ignore my comment on commitment bias
      Jul 4
    • SAP sq2
      "The only difference from the Western countries style dating is that the sexual intercourse element is missing in some cases and testing that compatibility before marriage is also becoming pretty common these days in Indian arranged marriages.."

      Really? No arranged marriages I've heard of, had THIS component so far, and I've heard of many. This component would be more common in Indian love marriages, I'd think. Well, at least that's been my observation so far.
      Jul 4
  • Microsoft smilealot
    A lot of incorrect stereotypes and condemnation on this thread about arranged marriage. Married for 15 years and touchwood we connect well on physical, emotional & spiritual levels. Op, I feel sorry for you. Try showing unconditional love and care for her, she might reciprocate. If nothing works, you know the answer. Both of you should arrive at that decision together. All the best!
    Jul 4 0
  • Intuit Obviously
    Have you spoken to your wife about your situation & does she feel same?
    Jul 4 3
    • Microsoft / Eng svnjrwx
      OP
      Whenever we tried to have a conversation it always ends up in an argument situation. I think she doesn't want to get a divorce and at the same time don't wanna improve relationship
      Jul 4
    • VMware vnware
      Isn't that a good thing. You both have the intent to stay married. Improving status-quo is always tough.

      I would say start doing things together which you both like, include a variable which takes away the unease between you for that moment.

      You both love Japanese food or like Nashville chicken or wine tasting? Go find those odd restaurants, places & eat out often.
      Jul 4
    • Microsoft / Eng svnjrwx
      OP
      @vnware that's a good suggestion! Thanks!!
      Jul 4
  • Twitch brangot
    You’re in a state where you’ll regret no matter what you’ll do. I suggest going for marriage counseling. If you aren’t having sex, it’s a big issue.
    Jul 4 5
    • Microsoft / Eng svnjrwx
      OP
      Having sex but not really satisfying sex.. and this is from the start
      Jul 4
    • VMware offshore
      Are you or your SO overweight? Get in good shape you will enjoy more. Also more testosterone helps with attraction.
      Jul 4
    • Microsoft / Eng svnjrwx
      OP
      I'm in good shape, marathon runner. More testosterone? Are you suggesting to take supplements to boost thus
      Jul 4
    • Twitch brangot
      Are got getting her off? Is she satisfied? Do you know for sure?
      Jul 4
    • Microsoft / Eng svnjrwx
      OP
      Nether of us are satisfied for sure... I believe sex is more satisfying with emotional connection rather than just trying different positions
      Jul 4
  • New s-works
    I married after 40 and don’t have any regret about it. I know bunch of people that had kids after 45 and they are happy. Chin up my friend, you’re young and have everything ahead of you.
    Jul 4 4
    • Booking.com / Other
      Punani

      Booking.com Other

      BIO
      🤬🤪🥴🥺🤫😜🤦‍♂️
      Punanimore
      Age is just a side issue. The problem is that OP doesn't like the woman. So how can he start a family with her.
      Jul 4
    • New s-works
      I understand. My point is he’s young and can start over whichever way he likes. I won’t advise for a divorce or a reconciliation but just pick yourself up, find the answers in you.
      Jul 4
    • Amazon / Eng ScaleShit
      Punani is real idiot, he makes fun of all questions adked in Relationship topic
      Jul 4
    • Booking.com / Other
      Punani

      Booking.com Other

      BIO
      🤬🤪🥴🥺🤫😜🤦‍♂️
      Punanimore
      Dude I'm not making fun of it. I'm for real. How can OP start a family and have kids with her if he wants to leave her. At the end the one that suffers will be the kids.
      Jul 4
  • Bloomberg ds4Wj37
    Is arranged marriage really the way to go for somebody who values emotional connection? Some of us have been on literally hundreds of first, second, and third dates and still have been able connect only a few times. Making somebody else take a shot in the dark for you is probabilistically dubious at best. One thing should be a consolation to you though — given how fragile human relationships are, most people end up in similar or worse situations regardless.
    Jul 4 0
  • Microsoft
    Pined

    Microsoft

    PRE
    Amazon
    Pinedmore
    Women are as easy to understand as men. You can still fall in love with each other and it can be a stronger love than a new relationship will be because of your history together.

    She is human, she has emotions, so the goal is to manipulate those emotions in a positive way - like you want her to do for you. Try to bond with her one way at a time. For instance:

    Week 1, try to get her to smile spontaneously from something you do. Surprise her with a gift, or trip, or date. Find a thing or experience she wants and then tell her (thoughtfully and affectionately) that you got it for her because you want her to be happy

    Week 2, try to make her laugh out loud. Figure out what things she laughs at in movies, online, and in person. Surprise her by doing something to make her laugh.

    Week 3, get connected. Pretend you’re connected even if you don’t feel it. Observe her body language as you go out. Hold hands, or show sympathy if she bumps into something. Represent yourself as a connected couple to others... “We like to do ....”, or “Our favorite movie is...” It will psychologically bond you

    Just some ideas but without knowing what you’ve tried or what’s not working it’s hard to provide the right ideas.
    Jul 4 9
    • Microsoft
      Pined

      Microsoft

      PRE
      Amazon
      Pinedmore
      Never mind, I just wrote these long, earnest posts to be helpful and now I see in another thread that OP is crushing on other women and wants a friend’s wife. Lolol. So...none of this applies to you. You should definitely get a divorce and set your poor wife free while she is 31 so she can find someone else.
      Jul 4
    • Microsoft / Eng svnjrwx
      OP
      @Pined I never said I want my friend's wife 🤦‍♂️ please re-read. I just feel bad I didn't get married to a girl like her. By the way thanks for sharing your story.. waiting for 10 years without clicking is real patience! Also you mentioned "poor wife" yes, I feel bad for her too, maybe it might have just worked with another guy. Two good people doesn't necessarily make a good pair. So yes if she finds a partner she's really into I'll be really happy
      Jul 4
    • Microsoft
      Pined

      Microsoft

      PRE
      Amazon
      Pinedmore
      Personally, after 7 years I would have expected a couple to have bonded beyond looks and comparisons of your wife with other women. Superficial, random comparisons are no big deal but crushes are a problem.

      If you’re spending a good deal of time thinking about other women then that’s a betrayal of her time invested in you. That’s why I called her “poor”, but it was patronizing so I apologize. I wish you both well. I hope you give each other the chances you deserve while young to be happy - either together or apart.
      Jul 4
    • OP is your wife pretty?
      Jul 4
    • Booking.com / Consultant
      Punani

      Booking.com Consultant

      BIO
      🤬🤪🥴🥺🤫😜🤦‍♂️
      Punanimore
      OP, sounds like you already know what to do. Time to let go, and let both of you find your own happiness.
      Jul 5
  • Facebook realzuck
    Why the fuck do Indians have arranged marriages? And you wonder why religion is the cause of much headache? Wtf is this.
    Jul 5 2
    • Arranged marriages are more of a business deal than religious expression.
      Jul 5
    • Booking.com / Consultant
      Punani

      Booking.com Consultant

      BIO
      🤬🤪🥴🥺🤫😜🤦‍♂️
      Punanimore
      Jul 5

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