Indian folks- How did you skirt around the “arranged marriage” pressure from family?

EY BL23
Sep 15 103 Comments

I have very little faith in it and still believe in love. But making my parents understand is getting harder and harder each day. They use their usual emotional blackmail techniques and keep pressurizing me indirectly. I have reduced my frequency of conversations but still, every time I call thats the only topic of discussion. Tips from other women would be really helpul.

TC- 160
YOE - 5 (FWIW)

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TOP 103 Comments
  • Box Kindne
    If you loved your parents then you would listen to them
    Sep 15 15
    • Microsoft rucbzpw
      He is playing the part of the mother, duh!
      Sep 15
    • New / Strategy Porsche996
      I no way endorse Brahmin boy's can produce two kids in six months. Its unusual expectation beyond tayhir sadam.
      Sep 15
    • New / Mktg
      SrZeroCool

      New Mktg

      PRE
      IBM
      SrZeroCoolmore
      you're not a bro, but a momma's boy
      :)
      Sep 15
    • Google / Eng hooli.xyz
      “Meanwhile my cousin married a nice Brahmin boy and they had 2 adorable kids within 6 months.”

      Brahmins produce two children in only six months? Guess that explains India’s massive population 😂
      Sep 15
    • LinkedIn / Eng igotb&
      I think he’s trolling and using the casual exaggeration common among parents
      Sep 15
  • E*Trade / Finance cbEV72
    You must obey your parents
    Sep 15 3
    • Google tc=10e-1
      get back to your time machine, this is 2019. you went to the wrong place.
      Sep 15
    • Chase / Eng Mom22Many
      If you obeyed your parents, you would have been a doctor.
      Sep 15
    • New bmkt75
      respect ur parents , but also think for urself
      Sep 16
  • Riverbed Technology dagdaubab
    Just get married and be done with it. All this relationship talk and meeting organically is bs. In a year all the initial infatuation will wear off and then you will only care about if your "significant other" will wash the dishes when you cook. Be practical. Remember, biology is not kind to you as you age.
    Sep 15 8
    • Riverbed Technology dagdaubab
      Love takes it's own sweet time. It's usually a function of distance, except of course in case of familial ties. When you spend day and night with a person, you will automatically develop feelings for that person.
      Sep 15
    • Akamai Technologies ouyt
      If you're looking for true love at this stage. Im sorry to say its hard to come by. You should have tried this when you're 22-25. Now its all about finding compatibility, supportiveness, good habits and little bit of love and attractiveness to each other. I did settle for my husband and it worked out well.
      Sep 15
    • Google / Eng hooli.xyz
      “When you spend day and night with a person, you will automatically develop feelings for that person.”

      wat
      Sep 16
    • Google / Eng hooli.xyz
      “Now its all about finding compatibility, supportiveness, good habits and little bit of love and attractiveness to each other. I did settle for my husband and it worked out well.”

      That’s just sad.
      Sep 16
    • Facebook qwertyuip
      That's not sad @hooli.xyz. It's a very practical choice focusing on all phases of life rather than the first one.
      Sep 16
  • Amazon / QA
    geezz

    Amazon QA

    PRE
    Motorola Mobility (a Lenovo Company), Veeva, Proteus Digital Health
    geezzmore
    I like girls 😙
    Works like a charm if you are a girl. Nothing resets their expectations faster.
    Sep 15 1
    • Neato Robotics / R&D fahl54
      Hey hey, now I'm interested.
      Sep 15
  • New DYbp46
    Send them pic of a beautiful girl. Tell them you swing the other way, and she is the type of girl you want to marry. Ask them to find you someone who look like her.

    Alternatively, fake it. find a desi guy you can take some romantic pics with, send them as a proof that you are married now, after a long long romance. Good luck!
    (If all your make friends chicken out, I can volunteer) 😜
    Sep 15 7
    • Box Kindne
      Nice and by the end of the movie the faking ends and they really fall in love?
      Sep 15
    • EY BL23
      OP
      🤣
      Sep 15
    • New DYbp46
      Lol ...no! That would be too much...

      unless the couple can pull off a few songs & dance routines, it would seem totally inauthentic!
      Sep 15
    • Google tc=10e-1
      honor killing inbound
      Sep 15
    • Google / Eng hooli.xyz
      lol 😂
      Sep 16
  • Microsoft SSwM14
    Indian arranged marriages comes with a support system and ecosystem that often gets you through tough situations and hard conflicts with spouse. Especially their life long learnings and experience on marriage can be leveraged to choose spouse that has best possible match. It’s a choice and mindset to subscribe to it and has advantages if you do. However if you want to pick your spouse on your own and are able to still make combined decision with your parents on who to finally botch with, that’s best possible outcome .

    It's a huge decision and often shouldn't be made alone. Try to have a dialogue, don't avoid it.
    Sep 15 4
    • EY BL23
      OP
      Yeah tried to have a dialogue with them. They seem to be under peer pressure too which could be the cause. Told them will think about it in due time and that now I’m focusing on my interviews. To this they replied- “you are just interviewing and traveling around with friends and wasting time.”🤷‍♀️
      Sep 15
    • Groupon / Eng sleepy
      Dialog won’t work. Just act and notify.
      Sep 15
    • Facebook / Eng
      dividebyz

      Facebook Eng

      PRE
      Facebook
      dividebyzmore
      Parents make the most terrible decisions
      Sep 15
    • Facebook mrnm
      The peer pressure for the parents is too real unfortunately. There is only one way of looking at life in India. What really helped me help my parents through that pressure was reminding them of all the couples we knew who had arranged marriages that didn't work out (some ended in divorces, others had kids so young the women had/have no career/ no real independence). Otoh, I met a bunch of people through setups where I knew I absolutely wouldn't want to marry them but treated it as a trade off of one evening of my time for the relationships I had with the folks who connected us. And frankly some of those were fun. Others were so bad that I was obnoxious and then those people who set me up would back off.. Might be worth a try if nothing else is working. Good luck finding a partner either way!
      Sep 15
  • Ness Technologies __|__
    marry ur bf and get relieved of the pressure. If u can’t find a bf I see no reason why u don’t want to talk to someone they choose
    Sep 15 8
    • Autodesk fomo!
      How old are you? Its only going to get worse, its marriage now, later it becomes about kids. I stopped calling my family altogether until they learned their lesson that my life is not theirs to dictate.
      Sep 15
    • Groupon / Eng sleepy
      On top they’ll come up with several anecdotal evidence where marrying at her own ended up in a nightmare situation.
      Sep 15
    • EY BL23
      OP
      @fomo I’m 28. And yes I have heard about cases where this extends beyond marriage too. Its honestly freaking me out. Guess we just have to fight it out as a generation so that our next generation doesn’t have to go through this
      Sep 15
    • PayPal / Eng
      rtYp15

      PayPal Eng

      PRE
      Oracle
      rtYp15more
      @BL23 then stop trying to find a husband and try and look for a life partner. That's how I approached arrange marriage (I'm a guy). I met this one girl through my parents. We hit it off. Being away from parents means you have the freedom to do as you see fit. We moved in together to see if we end up not killing each other! We've both got OCD, so we loved the arrangement! We're getting married in a couple of months. My fiance met a bunch of guys before me and they were all creeps. Don't lose hope, you'll find someone but for that you have to keep looking. And don't let parents force you. Meet a guy only if you like him.
      Sep 15
    • Ness Technologies __|__
      I know someone like u who ended up not marrying she is 35 now but also know someone who found some one at 32. I think ur parents must be freaking out not just u. Good lk
      Sep 15
  • SAP PXkM70
    Are you ABCD too?

    I just moved out and all my problems with that arranged marriage crap are gone.

    What’s that? You guys want me to fly somewhere to meet some random girl? No thanks.

    They can do all the emotional blackmail they want, but I’m too busy with my hustle to care
    Sep 15 0
  • New DYbp46
    So what’s the final outcome after all these sage advice... accept that parents won’t change, pseudo lesbian or fake husband, or some other route?
    Sep 15 2
    • EY BL23
      OP
      1. Accept parents won’t change
      2. Don’t give in to their pressure. Meet guys I really want to meet.
      3. Reduced frequency of conversations
      4. Continue living my life. Hopefully the right person will come along when the time is right!
      Sep 15
    • Google / Eng hooli.xyz
      That’s a surprisingly well-grounded and thoughtful answer 👍
      Sep 15
  • Google LyLs67
    Are you a girl? If you are not hot go for the arranged optiongot
    Sep 15 1
    • EY BL23
      OP
      Would you please DM me your name? So that I never run into you?
      Sep 15
  • Microsoft / Product oeUv00
    There are 2 open questions here.
    1. Are you ready for marriage ?
    2. Are you clear on what you are looking in life partner?
    I am of an opinion that falling in love is overarated its the compatibility which matter most.
    If answer to the first question is yes then take advantage of the arrangements made by your parents by meeting new folks. Nowdays arranged marriage is restricted to that.
    See if you are compatible and respect each other. The love comes and goes and comes again... its the same with love marriage as well. Most importantly your way of looking at life and principals matter.
    Sep 15 0
  • EY BL23
    OP
    Not American born. But I just don’t understand the concept. Also I have been living on my own since more than a decade. Still Indian parents are like ninjas when it comes to making decisions for their grown up adult kids🤦🏼‍♀️
    Sep 15 3
    • SAP PXkM70
      I mean I came here when I was 5 too.

      The ya re trying to set me up with people who acrually live in India because “we must maintain our traditions”. It’s straight up tribalism.

      Just minimize contact with them. Like phone call once a week 15 minutes = done
      Sep 15
    • New / Eng
      !gofang

      New Eng

      BIO
      Desi
      !gofangmore
      What if mum calls everyday?

      If I don't pick up call for one day, world is on fire for her.

      On the other hand, dad doesn't give a fuck 😂 he calls once in 4 5 months
      Sep 16
    • EY BL23
      OP
      Just start setting expectations gradually
      Sep 16
  • Uber domin8
    Just find your spouse and get married. Tell them it's done. Rip the band aid.
    Sep 15 0
  • Intel / Eng woot
    You could try and talk to or meet some of these guys your parents are trying to set you up with. You could actually like someone, you never know. That's what I did. However, I didn't feel compatible with any of the guys my mom tried to set me up with for over 2 years and then she ultimately gave up and is now okay with me marrying a guy of my choice.
    Sep 15 1
    • Facebook qwertyuip
      The thing is these guys you met are the same you would have come across on dating apps. Only the app changes, never the crowd.
      Sep 16
  • LinkedIn / Eng Hooloovoo
    You’d think they’ll stop trying to control your life once you get married, but noooo. Now it’s: when are you having kids? You’ve already been Married for X years! Oh you went on a trip, what a waste of money, which you should be saving up for kids. haven’t you had enough fun traveling and wasting time? Pay attention to the “important” things in life. When will you plan for kids? Our neighbors ran into us yesterday and were asking if you’ve had kids yet or are expecting?🙄it’s endless 🤯
    Sep 15 6
    • LinkedIn / Eng Hooloovoo
      Yeah, I often think they have more pressure due to meddling neighbors and relatives. I sometimes think they might be willing to understand our point of view at least a bit if it weren’t for others. But my advice to you would be that just accept that your parents won’t stop trying to control your life, but be strong about your life choices. Don’t let them guilt you into making decisions that you aren’t comfortable with. At the end of the day, you need to live with any decision you make, not your parents. And it’s okay if you don’t agree with them (I spent a lot of time feeling guilty that I am not being the perfect kid in their eyes, and it took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that my life choices aren’t wrong, but that I want different things than them and it’s okay to want different things). Assess if you are ready to get married and assess the means you want to take to get there. All the best OP.
      Sep 15
    • Google / Eng hooli.xyz
      “I often think they have more pressure due to meddling neighbors and relatives.”

      They can simply tell them it’s none of their goddamn business. Easy peasy.
      Sep 15
    • EY BL23
      OP
      @hooli its not that easy in India. Although wish that was the case
      Sep 15
    • Google / Eng hooli.xyz
      I can understand it’s not easy with Indian parents but you’re saying it is also not easy with neighbors? I find that hard to believe, to be honest.
      Sep 15
    • LinkedIn / Eng Hooloovoo
      Indian parents are always scared of what society will think. That’s why they get pressured from neighbors and relatives. People don’t really understand “mind your own business” unfortunately
      Sep 15
  • Amazon / Eng duster
    I can relate. The only way is to get into a relationship on your own and tell them.

    Just think of it as another dating service, give the guy on the otherside a shot and have a conversation atleast. He is probably in a similar situation.

    At the end of the day your parents are just trying to look out for you. In my case they dont like me living on my own in the Bay Area without a companion.
    Sep 15 0
  • Amazon amznthanos
    Just do the f you want
    Sep 15 1
  • Facebook esketitt
    You have to spend your whole life with this person, so make the choice yourself.

    If you’re parents love you, they will be okay with it. If not, they will blackmail you for the rest of your life, ... and you just learn to be okay with that too
    Sep 15 0
  • New / Finance
    sCMt

    New Finance

    PRE
    UBS, Lazard
    sCMtmore
    Just curious, if you meet the person, does it essentially mean you agree to marry the person or do you still have a say after the meet? If not, I say just go meet the person if it's convenient... no harm in meeting more people.
    Sep 15 3
    • SAP PXkM70
      It’s never good because it’s always what the parents think is best for you. My parents tried to set me up with this super religious girl has no hobbies but is Ivy League educated.

      No thanks
      Sep 15
    • EY BL23
      OP
      Theres no pressure to say yes.
      Sep 15
    • Neato Robotics / R&D fahl54
      Wow, are telling that an indian girl can have hobbies? 🤯
      Sep 15
  • AnchorFree / Eng 🍪 cookie
    don't talk to them for a year and after a year when you're married with someone you love, go show them your wife - if they like her, good, if they don't - don't talk to them for another year lol.

    It's exaggerated a bit but this is what I did personally lol... my situation is not Indian, but Israeli+Muslim (wife), well, I came home saying yada yada this is my GF and I like her, they said "blah blah blah she's Muslim and she's older", I'm like "ok cool fk you all", and since then we live happily ever after. They rarely see her (on skype lol), and when they do, they're all "omg how is she, where is she, we like her so much! when does she comes to visit us?" and I'm like "ehhhmm, I guess never?".

    Dude if you're not like this - you're not a man, but a fkn p u s s s s s y. Every man should do what he decides so stop being a mommys kid.
    Sep 16 1
    • Facebook esketitt
      Completely agree. In my opinion this arranged marriage culture is prevalent in South Asia because the men are far weaker than other parts of the world
      Sep 16