Married <5 years ago. No kids. Love marriage (were in relationship with her about 2 years before the marriage)
Help needed with couple of issues below:
1. She doesn't want (always try to avoid, both calls and msgs) to talk to my mom and dad. It hurts me. On the other hand, I always atleast reply to messages from her parents. I have already talked with her about this atleast once. Not sure why she doesn't want to accept my parents. They have always been nice to my wife.
2. I am always her second priority. Her parents family is always first priority for her. (It is really disrespectful for me, it hurts my ego)
Married <5 years ago. No kids. Love marriage (were in relationship with her about 2 years before the marriage)
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- No man we should not be taking this shit as is. I know it hurts but lesson should be taught to these egoistic women who take Indian men for granted and think they can do anything when marriage contract is done for obvious reason of high stake for men to lose this battle.. once few men do a sacrifice then all this shitty practice would be cleared for all.
- This is not a movie where people realize and change heir behavior. It doesn’t work like that 99% of the time. That is the reason most people here are not giving him a false hope. Just realizing the fact and digesting it will be better over time than getting disappointed over and again.
- Why do u want her to speak to ur parents so bad?....here's what will happen--she speaks, ur parents speak--some words get misinterpreted--she gets angry--u two fight--ur parents get disturbed and confused--u get confused--then u two loose intimacy--u two get frustrated--no kids--years pass--u contemplate seperation (coz u think logically)--after that I dont know...I have experienced all the above...so enjoy the moment and ignore the differences.
- One does not stop talking to another person without any reason. Did you talk to your parents why she could be doing this. Did they irritate her. Like one of my friend faced the same situation and it came out that parents were irritating the girl by taunting on her visa status to her ability to change jobs. Things got better by proper confrontation.
- My parents are the nicest parents you can imagine. They cannot get sad let alone angry or saying anything that bad before their "bahu". Anyways she always has talked with them in front of me. I don't recall anything odd.
One reason I can come up, she doesn't want to share the respect she already does to her parents with my parents? She doesn't want to accept my parents as her second Mom and Dad. (Indian culture)
my parents treat my wife as a goddess
- You need to get some serious help dude.
1. Realize that she is a human being. She can choose who she wants to speak to or not speak to. Same goes for you too. You don't have to speak to her parents if you don't want to. Respect her likes and dislikes and she has to do the same. It's not give and take. Tomorrow if she presses your parents legs everyday, are you ready to do the same to her parents? I'm sure you'll end up saying I'm a guy and it hurts my ego. Come out of our shitty traditional ways of thinking dude. Be rational.
2. You are and you should always be her second priority. Just because she is married to you, you suddenly don't become her entire world. You have to earn it. Her parents and her family should be her first priority.
From what I understand, she is perfect. You are the one who needs help.
PS: I'm an Indian too. So don't give me, you don't how it works in India shit. Grow up.
- That’s exactly what I mean. People should be together because they want to not because they have to. When you understand this, your relationships will improve. Don’t think that the whole world revolves around you.
Think about what I’m saying. Ego is not good in a relationship. Give her time, give her freedom. Things will turn around and become better sooner than you think.Apr 30 2
- I always make my point clear that I don’t take shit from people. She knows that and treats my parents well. Because if she doesn’t then I will return the favor to her parents.
- Cisco 2019mineThat’s typical behavior for many women after marriage in many cultures, she is trying to integrate husband to her family and wants to drive him away from his family. Most of the time, it either her way or divorce ... I am a woman btw..
- This is exactly the opposite i see everywhere around for indians. Women get married and are expected to be integrated to the man’s family and forget that they had a life before marriage.
The fact that OP is posting this question confirms the patriarchy where he doesn’t get why she isn’t changing her entire sense of belonging from her family to his, prioritizing him over them.
Man here btw.Apr 29 5
- Amazon bezosusI am in the same exact situation as you. Except we dated for 7 years before we got married. Let’s have a drink.
- IBM khskyrs1 might be because she's shy or feeling awkward. Maybe increase the opportunities for then to mingle. If your parents are in India then go there more often or invite them here.
2 is something that you'll have to live with. This happens if you were arrange-married or only knew your wife for a short while before marriage. Your wife isn't your soulmate but more of a roommate with benefits (i.e. like 90% of Indian wives), and that's not the end of the world.
- The responses here somehow indicate most men are suffering. Where are those famous feminists?
- So, men are suffering because...their wives don’t always want to talk to their parents?
What? How does this make any logical sense?
Now, if a wife is forcing her husband to talk to her parents, and he doesn’t always want to, that’s “suffering” — although not the end of the world at the same time 🤷♂️
- If she don't want to talk to his parents then why don't clear it out before marriage...before marriage she act like she is daughter of them and then after marriage just flipped away...and think everything would be ok because guy kind of trapped...this behavior needs to be changed and exposed
- ^this is the fucking problem with the women these days. Trust me men don’t think that way. No one is expecting the girl to be like a daughter to the in-laws. Just don’t hate them without any reason. Atleast treat them like, say, your neighbor. Trying to avoid them and hate them with no reason is being a jerk.
After all, isn’t it family?
- Men and women don’t think alike most of the time, that’s fine.
We just need to respect each others’ rights and boundaries. We men have no right to demand our wives speak X times or meet Y times with our families. That’s all.
And yeah, you’re right, wives shouldn’t hate their husband’s family for no reason. No one should hate anyone for no reason. But “not wanting to talk to someone that much” is a far cry from hating them.
- Man, I feel sorry for you. My entire marriage was like this (and worse, she would scream, hit herself and threaten suicide etc) until I divorced her. I don't know of any solution to this, but be mentally strong and know that a large % of Indian couples in the US are in the exact same scenario that you are in. You could try moving to India so that everyone is close together.
I have not heard this from any friends of mine married and living in India. Somehow this seems to be exclusively a problem with H1B Indians in the US.
OP, DM me if you want to chat.
Flagged by the community.
- eBay / Eng passsOP, your expectation that your wife should treat your mother as a 'second mom' is wrong, and might be the root cause of the problem. The relationship dynamic between MIL-DIL and mother-daughter are completely different. Do you have a sister who is married? That sometimes allow you to look from a DIL perspective.
- Seen many of these cases in friends/family.
1) I know it may hurt your ego, but that’s okay. Your relationship with your parents is different than your wife’s. It’s fine if she doesn’t always talk to them or even want to meet them, it doesn’t mean she intends disrespect.
2) That’s also ok. Look at things from her perspective — her parents raised her and she’s known their family for her entire life. Try spending more quality time with her (fun road trips or something) where you have to rely on each other a lot. Make sure you respect her rights and her boundaries.
Above all, when she sees you’re an honorable and fair man she’ll respect you more than anything. All good things take time.
- Seek counseling and have the counselor tell her to grow up (basically). She won’t listen to what you say.
- Quantcast USYQ08I am introvert, and I usually don’t go out talk to people that includes my wife parents. But whenever they talk to me or my wife hands over phone I generally talk to them.This is me. May be your wife also introvert , you can compare by how socially she goes out to interact to people outside or responds people to find out her interactions. You can’t expect because you are doing some thing and your partner also do same, it depends on personality. If you love your wife in all other aspects try to approach same way my wife does to me , just handover phone when you talking to your parents ... small conversations will slowly lead to larger conversation once they get used to each other. As an introvert that’s what I do , i have few close friends and family members rather big group of circle. On second priority thing you will know when you have kids in future. It takes time some around 10 years of compromising between partners in relationship to become life partners of 50+ ... it’s not disrespectful by any means, when you marry some one you marrying their whole family. I would recommend take some vacation and then start with some phone conversations with family members each side just by handing over phone to partner whenever you or your wife talk to parents. By posting this message I assume you trying your best to make life happy which is right step., All the best...
- Twitter hffcbnHer parents are aging. She must be worried about their health. Why should she not treat them as a priority? Especially in Indian culture where girls’s parents are left alone after their daughter’s marriage. I don’t see an issue with that.
- I respect the situations where husband’s parents are too nosy and try to pressure the girl to give less importance to her family. That’s probably very common in India.
But here most of us don’t belong to such category. Specially where both wife and husband are educated and come from decent backgrounds. In such scenarios I think women mostly think women are suppressed in India and come with a prejudiced opinion and they try to take this to the other extreme. As a result most mens’ parents with backgrounds as ours in this forum, are treated ill these days.
- Cognizant / IT zSlQ38Just to give another point of view.. even women face such problem.. My husband's family always want me to prioritize them over mine and say my parents are not my family anymore.. and I feel I have become outsider in both the families.. during initial years(in india) it was struggle seeing my husband always vouching for them.. and not saying anything about his family's unreasonable and never ending demands.. I was patient(read very very patient) and calm for a long time.. but as I was not able to take it anymore.. I did one day speak to him openly and I had some very good points to argue.. thanks to the time I was patient.. And also I made it very clear to him only if he talks and treats my parents with respect they get the same treatment..And then we moved to US.. and I should say..no more nosy in laws poking into every small thing..I talk to my In laws but I dont talk much.. because it is convenient and I dont want all the drama.. as for my husband.. he understood if he wants to be on my top priority list he has to make me his priority.. I would say discuss openly with your wife.. and if she is so into her family and discussion would not help.. hint with small things like.. I wanted both of us to do something but you were busy with your parents..or maybe make some plans alone and say you are too busy to spend with me.. lastly be willing to spend time with her and make her your top priority no matter what.. things are sure to turn around
- It might comfort you to know that this is actually true is all cultures .. not just desi
- I was in a similar relationship and it was the worst phase of my life. Luckily we broke up. I’m much happier now. Hope things work out between you two.
- 1. @OP, you mentioned that you reply to your spouse’s parents’ messages. Do your parents also message your spouse and she doesn’t respond? Or is it that your parents hardly message and thus they don’t interact unless you guys call.
2. Why shouldn’t her blood relations be a priority? Why does she have to choose you over them?
- I am in the same situation as you, specifically point 1. I didn't understand your point 2 well (in what sense doesn't she give priority to you?).
I tried and tried. I tried to create situations where they get to interact more etc. so that she gets comfortable with them. Didn't do a thing. She has time to call her parents every single day but when it comes to my parents, I have to remind every 3-4 weeks and she just does a formality call by turning the speaker on, and wrapping it up in 5 mins.
You know what I finally realized - my life is good as it is. Less talking means fewer headaches. Real life is not like a soap opera where we see ideal relationships between wife and parents. So I too just follow a script (4-5 standard questions) when talking to her parents.
My parents don't care whether or not we call frequently. They understand that she gets busy with her work. So I just left it alone. Basically I think after living with her for so long, I kinda became the same as her.
- I never directly call her parents - same thing as her that I am not that comfortable having casual conversations with them.
I am called only over the weekend on a Skype call. Because she is on the extreme end, I also try to be the same way. I avoid showing up on the call 2 out of 3 times I am called. She never questions me on that - if she asks, my immediate response is "I don't have anything to talk. By the way, when did you last call my parents?" and the conversation immediately stops.
I know it looks like we both are trying to win a battle but this the only way I can get her to self-realize.
- Search discipline 👋 vs respect ✊ and use this tool according to the situation
- Why do u " at least " try to reply to her parents. You are doing no favor. Start talking to them more . You take the initiative to pick up the phone and call her parents. She ll soon understand.
- OP are you speculating that she doesn’t like ur parents or has she said that before?
In any case can you sit down with her and try to reason with her ?once you judge where she is with it and if she is willing to mend her attitude, you know for sure if she has a dark heart.
Once you are 100% sure then you can decide if you want to spend the rest of your life accepting her attitude or if you want someone who likes your parents.
If you do decide to leave her be prepared for comments like , “look I told you so that arranged marriage are the best thing for Indians” from your close relatives
- Talk the same with her and her parents. Talking things openly helps a lot, if things didn't workout then consider a marriage counseling.
- If you made yourself clear multiple times to her that her behavior is hurting you then it would be good to take help of other people.
Usually girls are more tied to their parents, they'll understand if they explain to her.
Also, it depends on how matured her parents are, if they are matured enough they'll understand and explain her in the way she understands.
Make sure you behave as wise and as polite as possible.
- Was it arranged marriage? Did you try to have a honest conversation with her? If so, how did she take it? Try counseling
- New / Eng XqAF11First, it's good that you both care about your parents. Now, asking your wife to talk to your parents is not going to work. It will take some time(months) to change the situation but it's possible.
Before that, you have to accept your wife as she is. You have to understand the psychology and principles behind the relationship. I suggest you to read any of the following books to diagnose your situation.