Indian here, how to work with wife?

Uber King_Of_N
Apr 28 117 Comments

Married <5 years ago. No kids. Love marriage (were in relationship with her about 2 years before the marriage)

Help needed with couple of issues below:
1. She doesn't want (always try to avoid, both calls and msgs) to talk to my mom and dad. It hurts me. On the other hand, I always atleast reply to messages from her parents. I have already talked with her about this atleast once. Not sure why she doesn't want to accept my parents. They have always been nice to my wife.

2. I am always her second priority. Her parents family is always first priority for her. (It is really disrespectful for me, it hurts my ego)

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TOP 117 Comments
  • Apple jfjfbeiebd
    Put her on PIP
    Apr 28 4
    • Uber King_Of_N
      OP
      Nice troll. Could have been better though.
      Apr 28
    • MINDBODY Nygma
      OP, you are the troll
      Apr 28
    • Uber King_Of_N
      OP
      Please help bro instead of this.
      Apr 28
    • Google Mr. Glass
      @Nygma is the troll here
      Apr 28
  • Flagged by the community.

    • WTF
      Apr 28
    • Magic Leap uqcT83
      No man we should not be taking this shit as is. I know it hurts but lesson should be taught to these egoistic women who take Indian men for granted and think they can do anything when marriage contract is done for obvious reason of high stake for men to lose this battle.. once few men do a sacrifice then all this shitty practice would be cleared for all.
      Apr 28
    • Marriage is not a battle. Indeed, it is quite the opposite. You will understand some day.
      Apr 28
    • Intuitive Surgical / Design opnak
      OMG 😐 If you cannot help the guy just wish him well. Few bad apple spoil the entire lot! Please don’t be the one.
      Apr 28
    • eBay unvyfcbh
      This is not a movie where people realize and change heir behavior. It doesn’t work like that 99% of the time. That is the reason most people here are not giving him a false hope. Just realizing the fact and digesting it will be better over time than getting disappointed over and again.
      Apr 28
  • Synopsys teamblnd
    Why do u want her to speak to ur parents so bad?....here's what will happen--she speaks, ur parents speak--some words get misinterpreted--she gets angry--u two fight--ur parents get disturbed and confused--u get confused--then u two loose intimacy--u two get frustrated--no kids--years pass--u contemplate seperation (coz u think logically)--after that I dont know...I have experienced all the above...so enjoy the moment and ignore the differences.
    Apr 28 3
    • Cognizant srin
      +1. Less talk less issues
      Apr 28
    • Uber King_Of_N
      OP
      So are you suggesting it is fine if my wife doesn't talk with my parents? My parents live 1000s of miles away. They think my wife as a goddess. They get confused of what is going on.
      Apr 28
    • Amazon jQpf16
      leave your wife alone. she does not want to speak with your parents. you speak to your parents... wtf is wrong with your family? this is another form of control. Leave women the fuck alone... what your family thinks of her is their problem not her.. continue on this behaviour and she will hopefully boot your ass out. speaking as an Indian
      Jul 9
  • Walmart.com atecommer
    One does not stop talking to another person without any reason. Did you talk to your parents why she could be doing this. Did they irritate her. Like one of my friend faced the same situation and it came out that parents were irritating the girl by taunting on her visa status to her ability to change jobs. Things got better by proper confrontation.
    Apr 28 5
    • Uber King_Of_N
      OP
      My parents are the nicest parents you can imagine. They cannot get sad let alone angry or saying anything that bad before their "bahu". Anyways she always has talked with them in front of me. I don't recall anything odd.

      One reason I can come up, she doesn't want to share the respect she already does to her parents with my parents? She doesn't want to accept my parents as her second Mom and Dad. (Indian culture)

      my parents treat my wife as a goddess
      Apr 28
    • Walmart.com atecommer
      That we need to ask your wife, how is she being treated. I hope it gets solve. Just talk it out and not fight. All the best.
      Apr 28
    • OP you may be biased because they are your parents and you are used to the way they behave. We don't know her perspective.
      Apr 28
    • Magic Leap uqcT83
      No man women these days use small issues to run away from guys parents but then when it come to their parents they want same or rather more respect...best way is to ignore them too ..it may or may not work but at least you feel calm that you make it even.
      Apr 28
    • Walmart.com atecommer
      One more thing no one should treat normal human beings like goddess, treat them like human and you will get better results.
      Apr 28
  • Dell x123
    Don't have kids until you arrange or come to some life agreement with wife..
    Apr 28 0
  • Model N sh_sf
    You need to get some serious help dude.

    1. Realize that she is a human being. She can choose who she wants to speak to or not speak to. Same goes for you too. You don't have to speak to her parents if you don't want to. Respect her likes and dislikes and she has to do the same. It's not give and take. Tomorrow if she presses your parents legs everyday, are you ready to do the same to her parents? I'm sure you'll end up saying I'm a guy and it hurts my ego. Come out of our shitty traditional ways of thinking dude. Be rational.

    2. You are and you should always be her second priority. Just because she is married to you, you suddenly don't become her entire world. You have to earn it. Her parents and her family should be her first priority.

    From what I understand, she is perfect. You are the one who needs help.

    PS: I'm an Indian too. So don't give me, you don't how it works in India shit. Grow up.
    Apr 30 2
    • Uber King_Of_N
      OP
      I assume you are an entry level IC? Ever heard of giving constructive feedback?

      So after marriage if I say I don't want to have kids or if I want leave everything and become Buddha, she should respect my choices and support me? Everything changes after marriage.
      Apr 30
    • Model N sh_sf
      That’s exactly what I mean. People should be together because they want to not because they have to. When you understand this, your relationships will improve. Don’t think that the whole world revolves around you.

      Think about what I’m saying. Ego is not good in a relationship. Give her time, give her freedom. Things will turn around and become better sooner than you think.
      Apr 30
  • eBay invfthcj
    The responses here somehow indicate most men are suffering. Where are those famous feminists?
    Apr 29 9
    • No, she isn’t a daughter. She’s the son’s wife and her relationship with his family is obviously different. Trust takes a lot of time and effort to build.

      Just as the husband isn’t expected to always talk to the wife’s family on every occasion, same with the wife.
      Apr 30
    • eBay invfthcj
      Who says the girl need to value the husband’s parents more? Of course the girl’s parents are important to her. But the way the guy’s parents are treated these days is horrible. Guys in general can’t/don’t dare to treat the girl’s parents bad
      Apr 30
    • How is not wanting to talk to them all the time, treating them horrible?
      Apr 30
    • eBay invfthcj
      ^this is the fucking problem with the women these days. Trust me men don’t think that way. No one is expecting the girl to be like a daughter to the in-laws. Just don’t hate them without any reason. Atleast treat them like, say, your neighbor. Trying to avoid them and hate them with no reason is being a jerk.

      After all, isn’t it family?
      Apr 30
    • Men and women don’t think alike most of the time, that’s fine.

      We just need to respect each others’ rights and boundaries. We men have no right to demand our wives speak X times or meet Y times with our families. That’s all.

      And yeah, you’re right, wives shouldn’t hate their husband’s family for no reason. No one should hate anyone for no reason. But “not wanting to talk to someone that much” is a far cry from hating them.
      Apr 30
  • TuneIn WsvF24
    How did you manage to get to Uber?
    Apr 28 3
  • Cisco 2019mine
    That’s typical behavior for many women after marriage in many cultures, she is trying to integrate husband to her family and wants to drive him away from his family. Most of the time, it either her way or divorce ... I am a woman btw..
    Apr 29 3
    • Twitter pagvq
      This is exactly the opposite i see everywhere around for indians. Women get married and are expected to be integrated to the man’s family and forget that they had a life before marriage.
      The fact that OP is posting this question confirms the patriarchy where he doesn’t get why she isn’t changing her entire sense of belonging from her family to his, prioritizing him over them.
      Man here btw.
      Apr 29
    • eBay invfthcj
      Which world are you in @pagvq. If we talk about the kind of people like us (typical Bay Area couple), no one is expecting any such from a girl. You expect basic cordial relationship. It’s common even at workplace. Why not in family?
      Apr 30
    • Schlumberger Heartland
      OP and 2019mine got it right on. This is a typical abusive wife who just want and like power games. I bed it is the same for her relatives and his friends. I will go ahead and even have the tenacity to guess that their sex life won't be good and financially she will act like a leech.

      Don't have kids, save your money because you might be looking at a divorce soon. Apply one yourself and cut the misery if you love your parents.
      Jul 1
  • DocuSign slutty
    I always make my point clear that I don’t take shit from people. She knows that and treats my parents well. Because if she doesn’t then I will return the favor to her parents.
    Apr 28 6
    • Life is too short to be salty. Being nice is actually, umm, nice. Try that.
      Apr 28
    • Uber King_Of_N
      OP
      How is your sex life @slutty?
      Apr 28
    • DocuSign slutty
      1-4 times a week
      Apr 28
    • Collective Health alticcne
      You sound like a fucking moron. Girls love assholes? treating people like shit as revenge? Only dumbass shallow people believe this. Get real with yourself, grow up and quit trying to live some fake macho fantasy.
      Apr 28
    • Agree with collective health. I feel sorry for this commenter's partner, I wish her happiness.
      Apr 28
  • Amazon bezosus
    I am in the same exact situation as you. Except we dated for 7 years before we got married. Let’s have a drink.
    Apr 28 3
    • Uber King_Of_N
      OP
      Don't have leash extended that far 😕
      Apr 28
    • Uber King_Of_N
      OP
      But I am happy, I am not alone
      Apr 28
    • Expedia ¥₩$
      Man you dated for 7 years and you have problem after marriage. That sucks. I think concept of marriage doesn't suit ours and future generations. Especially I feel it doesn't suit men at all.
      Apr 28
  • Desi parents always screw things up for happy couples - there are either nosy or judgmental or jealous. Keep them at a respectable distance and things will work out.
    Apr 28 0
  • IBM khskyrs
    1 might be because she's shy or feeling awkward. Maybe increase the opportunities for then to mingle. If your parents are in India then go there more often or invite them here.

    2 is something that you'll have to live with. This happens if you were arrange-married or only knew your wife for a short while before marriage. Your wife isn't your soulmate but more of a roommate with benefits (i.e. like 90% of Indian wives), and that's not the end of the world.
    Apr 28 0
  • Microsoft screwd
    Man, I feel sorry for you. My entire marriage was like this (and worse, she would scream, hit herself and threaten suicide etc) until I divorced her. I don't know of any solution to this, but be mentally strong and know that a large % of Indian couples in the US are in the exact same scenario that you are in. You could try moving to India so that everyone is close together.

    I have not heard this from any friends of mine married and living in India. Somehow this seems to be exclusively a problem with H1B Indians in the US.

    OP, DM me if you want to chat.
    Apr 28 6
    • Microsoft screwd
      Well I'm relieved, dating someone, but I'm definitely scared of the next one turning out like the previous one...
      Apr 28
    • Apple abple
      Yes I have noticed that as well. Not sure why though. Is it because they don’t have any avenues to vent ? Especially home maker spouses who feel trapped perhaps ?
      Apr 28
    • Microsoft screwd
      Mine was equally well paid in the tech industry. So are all the other cases I've heard of.
      Apr 28
    • Verizon Media sxSG85
      Sigh, this is so bad but glad you came out okay
      Apr 29
    • Schlumberger Heartland
      I would love a chat
      Jul 1
  • Flagged by the community.

    • Salesforce ohana
      😂
      Apr 28
    • Uber King_Of_N
      OP
      What does it mean bro?
      Apr 28
    • Salesforce / Eng Gjjdhjekej
      Sorry bro, it’s a recent movie fun scene. Where husband always will agree with his wife - by saying “yes it is” for everything his wife says.
      Apr 28
    • Salesforce / Eng Gjjdhjekej
      Movie is call fun and frustration f2 Telugu movie - subtitles are present on amazon prime. Relate and enjoy.
      Apr 28
  • eBay / Eng passs
    OP, your expectation that your wife should treat your mother as a 'second mom' is wrong, and might be the root cause of the problem. The relationship dynamic between MIL-DIL and mother-daughter are completely different. Do you have a sister who is married? That sometimes allow you to look from a DIL perspective.
    Apr 30 0
  • Seen many of these cases in friends/family.

    1) I know it may hurt your ego, but that’s okay. Your relationship with your parents is different than your wife’s. It’s fine if she doesn’t always talk to them or even want to meet them, it doesn’t mean she intends disrespect.

    2) That’s also ok. Look at things from her perspective — her parents raised her and she’s known their family for her entire life. Try spending more quality time with her (fun road trips or something) where you have to rely on each other a lot. Make sure you respect her rights and her boundaries.

    Above all, when she sees you’re an honorable and fair man she’ll respect you more than anything. All good things take time.
    Apr 29 0
  • Twitter hffcbn
    Her parents are aging. She must be worried about their health. Why should she not treat them as a priority? Especially in Indian culture where girls’s parents are left alone after their daughter’s marriage. I don’t see an issue with that.
    Apr 28 1
    • You make it sound like aging is a terminal disease. seniors can do a lot of things after retirement to keep their body and mind healthy. Being emotionally depending on their daughter is a hinderance for that.
      Apr 29
  • eBay unvyfcbh
    I respect the situations where husband’s parents are too nosy and try to pressure the girl to give less importance to her family. That’s probably very common in India.

    But here most of us don’t belong to such category. Specially where both wife and husband are educated and come from decent backgrounds. In such scenarios I think women mostly think women are suppressed in India and come with a prejudiced opinion and they try to take this to the other extreme. As a result most mens’ parents with backgrounds as ours in this forum, are treated ill these days.
    Apr 29 0
  • Magic Leap uqcT83
    Also be careful before having any kids ..if this behavior is not changed then it going to be worse...either take it or leave it but don't live in denial and ignorance and think everything will be ok as time progress..that's a looser mindset..
    Apr 28 0