So long story short - I was a bit overweight and working at a small company, between the age of 24-27.
Got into Google, lost a lot of weight and gained some muscle.
Currently, I'm 31 years old.
Well, going through the arrange marriage phase 5 years ago, girls had crazy demands. They wanted a rich guy with body of a Greek God. Most of them were superficial. Half of these girls were 4/10 and I won't even look at them if I had all the above traits they were looking for.
Alright, fast forward to now. I'm doing decent, as far as money is concerned. I look good now (having lost all the fat). Now, suddenly girls are more desperate and willing to compromise on anything (maybe biological clock? I don't know). I see more single females than males, at this age. I have lost all interest in marriage, my relationships hardly last 6 months and I'm super comfortable with it.
Talking to a few girls, as my family wants me to get married. Most of them are about 29-30 years old now. 2 of them had rejected me 5 years ago and suddenly seem interested now.
All the communication goes fine until I ask for a prenup agreement. They look at me like I asked for their kidney or something. I mean anyone who has gone through what I did will do the same I guess. Am I wrong in asking for a prenup?
Net worth: 650k (excluding things I'll inherit, should be around 500k)
So long story short - I was a bit overweight and working at a small company, between the age of 24-27.
- Apple BenjamihnmoreDate and marry someone who cares about you and not your net worth. I don’t see how that’s so difficult...
- Stripe / Engsu4178At the end of the day, OP needs to decide what is more important; being happy or pleasing his parents.
If I were you OP, I would tell my parents how I want to live my life, even though that might not be what they want for you. And they can accept it, and remain to be in your life, or they don’t and you carry on your life without them. Give them time to process it and let them come back to you when they’re ready.
I know I don’t come from India, so I haven’t been in your position. But having controlling parents, I have been there. You shouldn’t have to change who you want to be just to please others.Jan 212
- New Scarn🎙moreI am Indian and understand what pressure you are going through. Just want to point out that my brother went through the same thing and got divorced after 20 years of marriage. He is 50 and again getting pressured by his 70 year old partner to marry. He is miserable, do not make this mistake. You may think you are doing this to make your parents happy but you will end up resenting them for the rest of your life. As others said marry if you love someone otherwise stay single and enjoy life.
- Sirius XM HfIbQ65@OP I am not Indian but I have been through my own societal and parental pressures. You have to decide if you are your own person or not. It’s your life. It’s not your parents’ life. You make the decision that impacts your life the most. How it impacts their life is secondary to what you want. Adjust your way of thinking or be prepared to potentially suffer long after they’re gone.
- New ktFx33I think prenup and marriage is almost like an oxymoron. It’s like having one foot in the divorce court. I feel like if you’re having these kinds of concerns better not to marry to begin with. If you need a prenup to get married and feel “safe” I doubt it’s a good relationship to begin with. Best of luck
- Someone I personally know has had an arranged intercaste marriage. No, it's not a transaction.
You may have met through a matrimony app (I see it as a positive thing because I know the person I am talking to is serious about settling down and is not fooling around, it gives me a sense of security and non-judgemental platform if I bring up things like money/family early in the conversation which I can't do on dating apps), but the essence remains the same. Check for compatibility and build a happy relationship. Pretty much like every other relationship, the ingredients of the relationship remain the same - mutual respect, understanding, accommodating nature, and a willingness to make it work.
- In real life, fairy tales don't occur by themselves. All those beautiful relationships you see around yourself are not something people's stumbled upon, but there was a lot of hard work that went behind it. With that attitude, you want to keep one foot out of the door and run away with your assets taking no responsibility of the relationship. You asking me to do a prenup is a sign that you don't trust me, which is a key ingredient.
Like I mentioned, if you need to 'protect' yourself from me, you aren't exactly seeing me as a part of you. You just are entering marriage because you are 31. If not for age, you wouldn't have thought about settling down with a partner.
- Take the time to know someone then, rather than rushing into a marriage that you see as a transaction. Your future wife may want to be loved by you, not enter into a business deal with you, or so I hope.
You don't love someone after seeing their best and worst versions. You love someone and then stay with them in their best and worst versions. I don't think we align on our notion of a relationship at all.
- Cerner M0j0r0j0@kaidi- the same argument can be made by the other party? If you’re so sure that a pre-nup will never be required, what’s the harm to sign a paper? And it’s not really to protect one from the other, it protects assets of both of them. If it puts your partner at ease, why wouldn’t you do it?
- I think it's perfectly fine. I did ask for one and absolutely refuse to get married without it.
Some will say if you're worried then marriage isn't for you. Are you guaranteed to not get divorced? If not, then you should plan for it. It's not a romantic thing, but it's part of life.
- @thdgu my advice is it seems that you're set in what you think, which is to get one. Be confident in that decision and don't budge just because others think differently.
I recommend to not enter a marriage that is arranged without actually loving the person. Get to know them first. If you love them, then get married. Regardless of a prenup, that just sets you for a happier future.
As for prenup, don't budge on that. Even with love, people change. You want your asset and theirs protected. Bringing it up brings the discussion of finances and future goals which is a good thing. No one is guaranteed to be married for ever, so it is best to discuss ahead of time what both of you would do in the case of divorce.
A partner that would get offended by a prenup is one that thinks of life as a happy rainbow.
News flash: Life has no rules. It's not a happy movie. Not all things have a happy ending. Be realistic and plan ahead.
- Your post is all over the place. Discussing a prenup with someone that you’re considering spending your life with isn’t out of line, but your general tone of contempt for women makes me wonder how you’re framing this discussion and how you’re looking at this situation in a way that might give someone pause.
- F5 Networks Op64emYou mentioned that you're 31, "currently." Do you anticipate your age will change? That's an issue for most women.
- OP is still going through an arranged marriage phase. As his “worth” has suddenly jumped off the roof, according to him, he is just humble bragging.
- Why don’t you marry someone who is similar to your profile so that prenup is not an issue or are you are having a hard time finding such girls? The fact that your relationship lasts not more than 6 months shows you might have some insecurities about being rejected in the past. It is important you understand these important issues than worry about your prenup. Honestly 650k at the age of 31/32 is not super high considering you are that old and you live in Bay Area. You might afford buying a studio here with that amount of money. Google is a good brand which might compensate a bit for your big mouth. Also do you want to marry someone from India or US? Getting an ego boost from 2 girls showing interest in you is cool but honestly your sample size is extremely small.
- Splunk H5ghy4Most Indian women who work in the bay area are pretty smart and are earning well too. Looks like they don't want to date you so you've to bring a wife from India. As a female with my own assets I would ask for a prenup if the guy asked for one because I have my own assets. I would do it just to be petty but I wouldn't really date you or marry you. You sound like someone with new money and new looks and hence new ego to go with it.
- “As a female with my own assets I would ask for a prenup if the guy asked for one because I have my own assets. I would do it just to be petty but I wouldn't really date you or marry you.”
Wow... do you sound like a mature individual...
“You sound like someone with new money and new looks and hence new ego to go with it.”
Pot calling kettle black 🤣Jan 212
- New / EngBogoSortmoreMan! You make 400k a year, it is up to you. Grow some balls and tell your mom that you are not going to marry any time soon.
- Maybe it’s your choice of words - but you really don’t bring much to the table. Blind is mostly young ones. Older ones make as much as you do. Google is good, but a good number of people there work on rubbish projects (no offense). About you being fit! .. aren’t you just supposed to be fit? For yourself?
Either way who am I to judge. Lucky whoever gets rolled into your practical world.
- Facebook / OtherXKLa50moreLol, GOOG. You really think you're hot shit, lol. Go figure out your life or post in a forum of equals - your company forum, rather than have a discussion with lesser mortals. P.S. For a guy that worked at a start-up, and was scarred by girls judging him as being less worthy then, you're pretty quick to judge others in a similar fashion. Who needs introspection when they think they're killing it.
- Wipro JohnnyCa$hmoreThe issue is OP accumulation lot of assets in last 5 years and see lot of fear of trusting someone. I see folks in this mindset and ended up single even in their 50s. Especially who made money in dot com 2000 era.
- Microsoft / Otherspartan123If you want prenup, make note of the following things:
1. In case your family needs any kind of support from you, then use the money you set aside as prenup and don’t dare to touch the one you guys will earn after marriage because that’s your family’s problem not hers. You can’t expect a girl to leave her family and take care of your family on priority when you can’t even share your money with her. Also don’t expect your parents to stay with you ever because if you want to follow American culture then she will do the same.
2. Don’t make her do any sacrifice for you such as leaving career for your kids because she needs financial safety for herself in case you plan to leave her.
Especially 2. Expect zero compromise. You want to share zilch of your pre marital income with her. She as well needs to make her own net worth so in the event of a split she can make a lucrative situation for herself and for that she'll need the best career ever.
3. You'll have to do 50-50 on childcare.
Yes, prenuptials are good. But once someone signs it, you lose all moral ground in asking for any compromise from them which would hurt their post divorce earning potential. Every family related responsibility will be split into 2 down to the middle.Jan 250
- OmniTier Storage omnitiermoreYour net worth is $600k, before marriage. Anything you earn after marriage needs to be shared with your wife. So you are asking for prenup just for $300k. That's like less than your current annual TC.
Just let it go and give marriage a chance with someone who feels right to you. If marriage goes south, you will be single again with experience. you will earn extra $300k back in no time, considering your caliber.
Consider $300k as potential investment to try something called marriage. If investment doesn't work out, you lose $300k. But gains are infinite, if investment works out.
- Google, I've checked through the laws. Inheritance is going to be yours, never your partners. So long as you don't intermix up the finances- like sell your family home and invest part of it in joint property. Etc. There's a technical name for this that I don't remember.
Regarding remaining net worth, you should talk to an international lawyer specialized in both US and India laws on how to form a trust. You can write off the trust to your future kids.
- Also why don't you invest in getting to know you potential wife, and only speak about money when declarations of love have been made and marriage talks are on? Till then, hide it. Pretend to be this middle class guy with a Google job who makes median income for your level.
I will never disclose my family $ until such time I am proposed to, and I'm considering accepting.
Employ the strategy in that movie: "crazy rich Asians"
- Yea - depends on backgrounds. I personally wouldn’t prefer a prenup from a ‘life’ ‘partner’ since the ‘partner’ is and will be more value able than assets.
- You are right, Google. And so do the guys. All the guys I talk to for arrange marriage only want to settle down because they of psychological reasons (they are 30+ and feel time is running out to find a good partner). And half of them don't have an adjusting attitude (don't want to move out of their current city, want the woman to compromise on her career, value their parents but not the girl's, don't want to let go their playyboy lifestyle etc). I don't think any of the guys I talked to actually was in the mindset of building a relationship. So I decided to let it be and be single 🤘
- You sound like you have a head on your shoulders, OP.
Have you tried to figure out what type of girls you REALLY enjoy spending time with and simply meeting them in person? Not necessarily marriage, not necessarily for sex, but to enjoy their femininity and have a great time naturally? Simply filter out majority of women you wouldn’t have a natural interaction with before you even start a conversation. Find a 22yo student you have great chemistry with and take her on a Eurotrip 😉, put that TC to good use.
With your TC you can skip the whole matrimony site bullshit and use a service that finds very compatible women to your tastes. I believe it costs around $50-100k.
- I’ve already hit 30. I know what you’re talking about, and the solution to that is to find women you naturally click with. Biological age is one thing, and psychological age (maturity) is another.
Not to mention there is something to be enjoyed about the inexperience and naïveté of 20yos.
- Google 1234teGet a pre-nup, dude. Even the richest man in the world got screwed because of not having one.
I can understand why desi women might be offended by the concept of a pre-nup, especially if they are FOBs..
Maybe you can sugar-coat it a bit for them to make it more palatable. Beyond finances, make it into a broader agreement about expectations and have an honest discussion beforehand.
I'm nearly 40 and have been through a divorce already and I can tell you that women in India have all kinds of problems when they come here, especially without a work permit - they get homesick, have trouble adapting to the culture, weather, making local friends etc and they often want to go back to India or bring their parents here for months.
Make sure you think through all of these in the pre-nup.
- If you want to go the arrange marriage route, you have to be prepared to deal with partners who will decide based on superficial aspects. To be fair to them, they need to make a decision in few months. Few months is how much normal relationships even take to get exclusive!
If you want to connect organically, and find someone who knows you better than what's on paper, get out of this arranged stuff and online dating and go meet people in real life!
Prenup is a huge turnoff. I had thought about this during my last relationship (which didn't work out) where my networth was 20x by boyfriends. It's better to put your pre marital funds in a trust. It's shitty for the lesser earning partner to have to sign this document.
- Google, give the other person benefit of doubt. It could just be that the girls who rejected you 5y back were on the market because their parents forced them and now they are genuinely interested in partnership. Meet the girl and then decide her motivations. You might find a really kind and sensitive woman, maybe, who doesn't care about your $.
- SAP BabyloveAny reason you are limiting your choices to girls who screwed you over 5 years back? Chuck them out. Its not surprising that women are attracted to money, power and looks. Increase the bar from your side too.
Prenup? Looks like you are hunting for a trophy wife rather than someone who is equally ambitious n earning well. Get one if its former and don’t ruin with one if you are looking for later.
- Oracle / EngredvsbkheYou’re not wrong for asking for what you want...just don’t expect most women to want that too so tough luck OP just don’t get married. What’s the problem here?
Also how did you lose weight despite free food from google??
- Haha, the million dollar question.
I spend almost all day at the campus. I work out in the morning.
Free-food gives me ability to eat healthy. All the hard boiled eggs, grilled meat, cheese and salads are very convenient.
It's easy - avoid all the sodas and sugar/carbs(ice cream, desserts, pizzas)
- Indeed tookerjerbVery similar situation as you, my advice would be to say fuck it and live your own life man.
I know all about the pressure from family, relatives, and even people in the community who you don’t even know. It’s one of the biggest downsides of brown mentality.
When I was younger and less attractive, same exact story as you. Made a bit more money in the last few years and invested really well, in real-estate as well as myself, all of a sudden these hoes now showing interest.
Once you get over the hard talks with family, it’s much easier. Care about changing the minds of your parents and close family, everyone else can fuck off and mind their own business.
- Google nlxS44I don’t think you have enough to need to worry about a prenup. I would let the prenup go mate.
- Ness Technologies __|__I think the women you are talking to are not into you or no connection. Don’t marry until you find someone you can connect without worrying abt divorce.
- You’re confused.
On one side you’re following Indian tradition and planning to have arranged marriage. While on other side you’re talking about prenup (which came from American culture ) in initial meetings.
Either be a man and stand against your parents if you so much believe in prenup, no-arrange-marriage and all. Otherwise don’t ask for prenup.
Marriage is about trust, prenup is about having no-trust
- What a lot of bullshit.
Why are you mixing relationship of two people with laws created by the state? These are very distinct separate things. Marriage is supposed to be between two people. That’s it. In US, when you get married you also marry the state. OP lives in US, and.... drum roll... must follow US laws, hence the necessity of a prenup.
Given than 50% of marriages end in divorce (and how many stay married and miserable for the kids?), it is very rational and wise thing to do to protect your assets acquired BEFORE MARRIAGE. Prenup will not protect assets acquired AFTER marriage.
Also, isn’t it the case in more traditional arranged marriages for the girl’s family to pay dowry? Doesn’t sound like OP is getting any.Jan 231
- VMware jigyasuBuddy don't date /marry women who had rejected you earlier, they are either coming in for money or their ticking biological clock. They might consider you a compromise all their life, its not worth it. I had a similar marriage and it's 4 years of fighting in court. Having said that you sound more like that you are fed of the whole marriage /commitment thing (not surprising going by the unfair rules and almost no gains for men in such scenario). My advise will be to keep working on improving yourself meet people of both sexes. Keep the dating channel open along with arranged marriage proposals meet them with an open mind and decide can you spend your life with one of them and go on your world tour, dating and arranged marriage both seem superficial but sometimes it's worth the pain to find someone you can rise in love with.
- Well it may be either of the 2 reasons you mentioned (I don't see anything wrong with it especially since OP himself is considering this marriage as a transaction). But you are forgetting an important reason - they may have changed their mindset. Example - If I started looking for a partner at 25, I would have had really high expectations. But a few years down the line post understanding myself and other people, I can change my opinion and be more realistic or specific about that I want in a partner.
- Genentech おっぱいI understand your situation and cultural background (I think). I have asian parents, and the pressure is so REAL.
Have you ever told your parents how you feel about marriage? If yes, what do they say?
I understand the whole arrangement marriage thing, but are you able to take their requirements and choose for yourself?
Have you considered women who are more Americanized? If they’re more Americanized, they’re more likely to be women who doesn’t mind climbing the corporate ladder and fend for themselves. #Feminism
Also it’s easy to catch the superficial ones via deep conversations. You just have to listen to their values and goals. Don’t ask directly. Be strategic.
Prenup is good and bad. It’s bad because it shows that you are already planning for a divorce. The good part you already know.