Indians who arranged married - do you love your spouse?

New 5'6
Jan 8 97 Comments

Fellow Indians who went for an arranged marriage - please comment how many years has it been for you together, do you love your spouse, and how did love develop, if at all? Or is it more compatibility/respect that's still keeping you guys together more than love.

I am trying to understand if love can actually be developed if you have a mutual respect and understanding.

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TOP 97 Comments
  • Microsoft Dr. Root
    The concept of an arranged marriage is fucking ridiculous. You wouldn't let your parents pick out your clothes, why would you let them pick out your spouse? I'm Indian myself btw.
    Jan 8 18
    • New 5'6
      OP
      Dr.Root Let's not question someone's upbringing. After all, they had little to no choice in that.

      I think @naam's point was that love marriage is a hit or miss game but arranged marriage is a more evaluated choice.

      Definitely people don't get married drunk. But dating most often is just going with the flow and see how the relationship pans out (may work well for many). But arranged marriages have an aim in mind beforehand - to settle down, and this intent brings out more commitment in people to make it work, or so I think.
      Jan 8
    • Google / Eng hooli.xyz
      @5’6

      “But dating most often is just going with the flow and see how the relationship pans out (may work well for many). But arranged marriages have an aim in mind beforehand - to settle down, and this intent brings out more commitment in people to make it work”

      You clearly don’t know what dating is. It is not “just going with the flow”. Have you actually lived with a partner before marriage? From reading your posts, the answer is a loud NO.

      Before making any assumptions, try to learn how dating works in western culture.
      Jan 8
    • Microsoft naaam
      ^Exactly how West should understand how arranged marriage works in Eastern cultures before denouncing it.
      Jan 8
    • Google / Eng hooli.xyz
      The big issue here is that a lot of Indians don’t really understand the western style of dating.

      It is not “just going with the flow”. Some of my Indian contractors genuinely think it is always:
      1. Go to club or bar.
      2. Get drunk with white women.
      3. Take white women home and they will automatically have sex with you.
      Jan 8
    • MathWorks MJK
      Clearly, Indian men don’t know how dating works here. @hooli.xyz pretty much laid down the 3 steps of what “dating white women” means for most Indian men (or most I’ve met.) And to assume that people get married drunk is ridiculous. I am Indian man dating a white girl and for the first 6 months since we met, we never got drunk together.
      Jan 8
    • New 5'6
      OP
      OMG I never said white people go to a bar, get drunk, and get married. Hell no.

      @hooli.xyz yes, I have actually tried the 'western' way of dating, and this was indeed in India. We met through a common friend, stayed friends for a while, then started dating, had sex, got exclusive, lived in. But then we eventually broke up because it didn't work well.

      I have also tried it in the west where we met at school, had sex, went into a confused state if we actually would want to get exclusive or not, didn't go exclusive and kept it complicated, then started seeing other people.

      So stop making assumptions.
      Jan 9
    • Google / Eng hooli.xyz
      I was not making assumptions. You clearly said:

      “But dating most often is just going with the flow and see how the relationship pans out (may work well for many). But arranged marriages have an aim in mind beforehand - to settle down, and this intent brings out more commitment in people to make it work”

      What you said before (“going with the flow”) and what you say now (being exclusive, living together and building a life together) contradict each other.
      Jan 9
    • New 5'6
      OP
      I don't think it contradicts. I followed the friends -> sex -> date -> live in path (later broke up). When we were dating and having sex, we weren't sure if the relationship would lead to a long term relationship/marriage. We loved each other but the thoughts about marriage only started coming in after we had dated for a while. This is exactly what I mean by 'going with the flow' - not knowing if dating would lead to marriage or not, or if we both had the intent to take the relationship to marriage. But in an arranged setting, the intent for marriage is a given. Both people know they are mentally prepared to settle down (have their finances sorted, are ready to commit, are ready to work on logistics, and most importantly marry) and are looking for a compatible partner.
      Jan 9
    • Google / Eng hooli.xyz
      What you described sounds a bit weird, at least from my experience. It sounds more like a fwb that converted to a common-law partnership, but still have some elements of casual dating (no long-term goals).

      I have a different definition of “going with the flow”, which is closer to simple casual dating - hence why I brought up the bar/club example.

      I believe we are talking about two different things. In America, live-in relationships is usually a precursor to marriage.
      Jan 9
    • Broadcom Ltd. / Eng broacher
      While dating I put on the best version of myself out there. As a result I had a couple of failed relationships but I learnt alot about myself and my shortcomings. I went the arrange marriage route and was able to ask pertinent life questions in our very first meeting involving money, career, life goals, personal shortcomings without feeling judged.
      Jan 10
  • Flagged by the community.

    • PayPal mrhuddle
      @oath : you forgot to add the last few steps to your analogy : marriage ➡️ kids ➡️ flights/misunderstandings ➡️ divorce ➡️ back to square one, searching for love!
      Jan 8
    • Flagged by the community.

    • PayPal mrhuddle
      @google : this doesn’t happen to everyone or for that fact 90% of the people who are married in an arranged setup.
      Wife below age of 15? Who in this era is getting married so young?? This link is a BS!
      Jan 9
    • Google / Eng hooli.xyz
      You are saying Wikipedia is BS? The sources are all there and they are legit. Feel free to examine them yourself.

      “Amongst married women who were victims of sexual violence, over 83% reported their present husband and 9% report a former husband as the perpetrators.”

      Source: https://www.google.com/amp/s/uk.blastingnews.com/world/2018/02/india-urgently-needs-to-make-a-stand-against-marital-rape-002322033.amp.html

      Seems to contradict your claim, doesn’t it?

      Another article: https://m.huffingtonpost.in/kumar-rajesh/latest-data-on-sexual-violence-in-marriages-shows-why-india-should-progress-towards-criminalising-marital-rape_a_23367102/

      “18 out of every 100 men across India believe that a husband has the right to get angry and reprimand his wife if she refuses to have sexual intercourse with her husband. At the state level, 43% men in Andhra Pradesh, 42.6% in Telangana, 29.5% in Mizoram, 21.75 in J&K, 20.3% in West Bengal and 19.9% in Karnataka felt the same way.”

      That is just appaling to learn how Indian men view their wives. 😠
      43% of men in Andhra Pradesh? Wow.

      It is sad (and somehow also funny) that Indian men can’t even get sex from their wives willingly so they have to resort to rape. 😂
      Jan 9
    • New 5'6
      OP
      @hooli.xyz OMG do you think women would willingly step into an arranged marriage if all of this was true?
      Jan 9
    • Oath / Eng badassmfer
      @mr huddle why Divorce is bad thing? It is much better then staying in bad marriage and psychologically ruined your life. It should treated like changing job. But somehow divorce is taboo in Indian culture. Arranged marriages and very low rate of divorce sometimes lead to mistreatment of women. But treating women not equally is very common in certain eastern cultures. Even Silicon Valley has diversity problems. But at least Silicon Valley is trying to fix it.
      Jan 9
    • Google / Eng hooli.xyz
      @5’6

      Well, you explain those statistics to me. Those are from your own country’s research and United Nations.

      Explain why marital rape is still legal in India.

      I’m waiting.
      Jan 9
    • PayPal mrhuddle
      @Oath : I’m not saying divorce is bad. My question is why do lot of western marriages end up in a divorce when you and your SO spend so much time dating/sex/living together before marriage?
      Are your decisions to marriage that person wrong? (Just like you claim that a person married in an arranged setup cannot take their own decisions choosing their life partner)
      Jan 9
    • Google / Eng hooli.xyz
      @mrhuddle

      A lot of western marriages lead to divorce because western people are more willing to end marriages if things are not working out or things have changed.

      That doesn’t mean the decision to marry that person was wrong. People also fall out of love. Maybe they fell in love with someone else. Maybe their values, goals, and outlook in life changed. A lot of things can happen, that’s what life is.

      It’s 2019. You don’t have to stay married to a person if there are irreconcilable differences due to the reasons I listed above. Better to have a divorce and move on with life.
      Jan 9
    • Oath / Eng badassmfer
      @mrhuddle we can not guarantee people actions and behavior in future.

      And because it’s easy to get divorce here people don’t want to stuck in bad marriages. Again it’s like changing/quitting job. And Women are financially more independent here also which is good thing.

      Again higher divorce is indicator more honest, equal and individual aspects of two human relationships.
      Jan 9
  • It’s a tough question, getting married to someone who you don’t love is a bad gamble
    Jan 8 5
    • Snapchat gqkO66
      Getting married to someone you do love is statistically also a bad gamble
      Jan 8
    • New 5'6
      OP
      Falling in love is not easy
      Jan 8
    • Google JKRO64
      Falling in love is super easy.. reciprocation is super hard
      Jan 8
    • Oracle ypoint
      Then you don't arrange it with that family? There's isn't any pressure like while purchasing a car. 😁
      Jan 8
    • Twitter 🐒。
      I wouldn’t mind if it was a billionaire’s daughter.
      Jan 8
  • Twitter 🐒。
    36 people and counting had arranged marriages?
    Jan 8 5
    • New 5'6
      OP
      Arranged marriages in India are more common than you think. Indeed, love marriage is a very recent concept in India.
      Jan 8
    • Twitter 🐒。
      Even in the 21st century with millennials in India?
      Jan 8
    • Uber CashIn
      Yeah we don't fuck around
      Jan 8
    • New 5'6
      OP
      @Twitter, I am a 21st century millennial, have been in relationships before but they failed, like many do. Going for arranged marriage now, seems like a safer option with less hassle, and most importantly, the intent is to settle down together and set up things for life.
      Jan 8
    • Oracle ypoint
      What's wrong with it? Either your friends set you up for dates or families do. That's what happens in arranged marriages. Now they use internet matching too. There's a lot of vetting, and more commitment to make marriages work.
      Jan 8
  • Microsoft naaam
    Love between unrelated human beings is just a manufactured emotion. You can create it and work on it. It is transient. Else every love marriage would last a lifetime. So whatever type of marriage, if you have the willingness to manufacture this emotion and sustain it, you're good.
    Jan 8 4
    • New 5'6
      OP
      I think so too. Trying to understand the take of people who have been there.
      Jan 8
    • Ascension Health Hello!!
      I did not realize what love is until I had kids..the emotion the parents feel when the kid is sick even with simple things like cold etc is love.. you feel the emotion even before the baby is born and it does not take one years to build the emotion. Likewise one can have emotions immediately after marriage no need to live for years together before getting married. But I agree there are cases things might not have worked out in arraigned marriages but this is true in love marriages as well..
      Jan 8
    • Ascension Health Hello!!
      the above text is just my opinion.. not saying what others said is wrong..
      Jan 8
    • Microsoft naaam
      Exactly. The love between a parent and child is something you see naturally in nature. Not manufactured. There may be deviations to this but not always
      Jan 8
  • Broadcom Ltd. / Eng broacher
    Indian here - been married for 10 years. I love my wife very much. Unfortunately the sex stopped after kid #2 - our relationship feels more like great companions. To keep my sanity/fidelity i jerk off when the need arises.
    Jan 10 4
    • Microsoft Dr. Root
      Sex stopped !? 🙄
      You sound surprisingly OK with it. Don't you miss it though? I can't even imagine living like that.
      Jan 10
    • Amazon / Eng sos567
      I think it's common in indian community to have less or no sex after kids or in high 30s
      Jan 10
    • Broadcom Ltd. / Eng broacher
      The kids and wife co-sleep. I get the guest room to myself. This arrangement was the sex killer in our marriage.
      Jan 10
    • Microsoft naaam
      This is why we need to legalize prostitution.
      Jan 10
  • Google / Eng hooli.xyz
    Why include parents in deciding who to marry? It just shows you are not mentally capable to make decisions on your own.
    Jan 8 19
    • New 5'6
      OP
      @hooli.xyz the answers to your question goes back to what I said before - families in India stay very differently from families in the US. In India, families are more close knit and they meet often. Sometimes, they stay together. Hence, checking compatibility between families becomes an important aspect for some families. Unlike in the US, where people don't stay with their parents. Not saying either is right or wrong, just saying it's different and that's what stems the reason for checking compatibility between families.

      To your point about independence, I personally do not see independence as MAKING all decisions by myself unaffected by others' opinions. I see it as the ABILITY TO MAKE all decisions by myself being unaffected by others' opinions. I think I have the independence to find a guy by myself. But I value my parents opinions, and would want to give them a say in the important decisions of my life.
      Jan 9
    • Oracle ypoint
      As a white American, you should also consider how different it is from status-conscious, elite families anywhere. The Indian families look for cultural and social compatibility. Kids who cannot stand up for themselves against parents would be worse off anywhere. Antagonizing parents just to prove "this is 2019" is immature! Like OP says above, you're viewing everything monochromatically.
      Jan 9
    • Google / Eng hooli.xyz
      @5’6

      “I see it as the ABILITY to make all decisions by myself being unaffected by others' opinions. I think I have the independence to find a guy by myself. But I value my parents opinions”

      Don’t you see the contradiction there? You just said you are unaffected by others’ opinions. But then in the very next sentence, you said you value your parent’s opinion and in the next paragraph, you say you give them a lot of input in the important decisons of your life:

      “But I value my parents opinions, and would want to give them a say in the important decisions of my life.”

      You can’t say you are independent and at the same time accommodate familial compatibility with w.r.t. marriage. It is one or the other, you can’t have both because that logically does not make sense.

      You just proved my point that with Indian families, every life-changing decision has to go through parents. In America, that absolutely is not the case. Children here can even divorce their own parents (emancipation) and start living on their own at age 16.

      So given the above information, which culture has more independent children?
      Jan 9
    • Google / Eng hooli.xyz
      @ypoint

      “you should also consider how different it is from status-conscious, elite families anywhere. The Indian families look for cultural and social compatibility”

      So you’re saying Indian families are status-conscious and elite? So conversely, American families are NOT status-conscious AND NOT elite because we don’t care much about cultural and social compatibility?

      ‘Antagonizing parents just to prove "this is 2019" is immature!’

      Where did I say anything about antagonizing parents? You are now just putting words in my mouth.
      Jan 9
    • Oracle ypoint
      🤦now you're parsing to keep going... Cheers!
      Jan 9
    • New 5'6
      OP
      @hooli.xyz

      I don't see a contradiction. I can make my own decisions which means I have a mind of my own to think, I am not easily manipulated. But I willingly involve my parents because I value their opinions. My parents are a part of me and my life. I don't think I would stand anywhere without them. Being 100% independent, as you are suggesting, is not the goal (at least not mine).

      Being independent means if tomorrow my parents stop supporting me (which will never be the case but just assume for now), I will not freak out, I will be strong, I will not depend on other people for little things or money or whatever, I will be fine. That is independence. Not valuing your parents' (and other close people in your life) opinions who genuinely care for you is not independence, in my opinion. It's just rude and immature.

      Yes, every life changing decision in my life (education, marriage, divorce, etc) has always been and will always go through my parents (out of my own will) because I value them and consider them wiser than me.
      Jan 9
    • Google / Eng hooli.xyz
      @5’6

      Look, not asking my parents for their opinion is not rude and immature. It’s actually being mature because I don’t need their guidance anymore and I am my own individual.

      I love my parents. I respect them dearly and always hold their opinion in high regard. I frequently (every few months or so) talk to them via Facetime.

      But I never asked them for their opinion when I was thinking about proposing to my then-girlfriend (now my wife).

      I never asked them about which university to attend.

      I never asked them which city to move to.

      I never asked them which job offer to accept.

      I never asked for my parents’ opinion on the above matters because they expect me to figure things out by myself. Of course, if I asked them they will be happy to share what they think.

      They never thought I was being rude and immature. In fact, they are proud that I am my own man and have been successful so far.

      And when my daughter grows up, I hope she can be the same — a beautiful, strong, independent woman. I will always be there when she needs my help. But I am hoping as years go by, she will need it less and less. Once that happens, I will be the proudest dad.

      I hope that shows why, as a white American, arranged marriages just feels weird and, dare I say it, plain wrong. From my perspective, it shows the child never really grew up into an adult because they still need approval from their parents.

      I don’t mean that in an offensive way. It is just how it appears to me (and to a lot of white Americans).
      Jan 9
    • Google / Eng hooli.xyz
      @ypoint

      “🤦now you're parsing to keep going... Cheers!”

      Ok, buddy. That did not make a lick of sense but whatever. Keep working on your English and maybe, someday, you can have a better rebuttal to my arguments.
      Jan 9
    • Oracle ypoint
      Nah, you were arguing for the sake of it, not to discuss or learn anything. Not wasting time with your long and circular responses. Ain't nothing wrong with my English, btw.

      Besides, some people on this thread seem to have a rough relationship with India or their parents. I don't want to pick their wounds.
      Jan 9
    • Google / Eng hooli.xyz
      Did you actually read any of my arguments? I thought I did my best to clearly articulate my thoughts and my viewpoints in a concise manner. Where do you see the circular reasoning? Which parts are “too long”?
      Jan 9
  • Ascension Health Hello!!
    Actually arranged marriage is more gamble than love marriage.. mine is arranged and I’m lucky that we both have same interests and lifestyle. But I can see how so many things can go wrong with arranged marriages. In love marriage two fall in love when they have things in common like hobbies, way of thinking,lifestyle etc..so less chance of incompatibility??
    Jan 8 5
    • Microsoft naaam
      If that was true, most love marriages would last a lifetime. But they don't. Arranged marriages are less of a gamble if you choose wisely.
      Jan 8
    • New 5'6
      OP
      What were the things you looked for when you were checking out arranged marriage prospects? It would help if you can provide specific pointers instead of vague/wide ones (like compatibility).
      Jan 8
    • Ascension Health Hello!!
      @naam yeah correct everything is less gamble if you choose wisely. All I’m saying is you have more opportunity to choose more wisely in love marriages.
      Jan 8
    • Ascension Health Hello!!
      @new I would say talk the person for a month and she how it goes and hobbies should match.. like you like watching movies if the person you talk to does not like movies bummer!! After coming from office you will be watching movies and your wife or husband will be doing something else.. hope you got it.. more the things that are common between you the more good. Need not be 100%
      Jan 8
    • New 5'6
      OP
      Thank you.
      Jan 8
  • Microsoft / Mgmt livelove
    Arranged marriage for over a decade now. We love and care for each other. Since the family statures, education and other basic checks were done by parents, filtering was easier. Compatibly and mutual attraction helped in bonding.
    Jan 9 0
  • Netflix enjoylyfe
    In love marriages, it's harder to be sure that the spouse is a right fit for not just you but your entire family. In arranged marriages it's easier. The difference is based on what West prefers (individuality) vs what East values (family).
    Jan 8 0
  • Ascension Health Hello!!
    Folks love is not science it’s an art!! Don’t try to debate love marriage or love after marriage, it like debating Picasso paining is better or Ravi Varna’s. Both are beautiful..
    Jan 8 1
    • Oath / Eng badassmfer
      What? R u high as a kite?
      Jan 9
  • Lyft / Other Newa
    You are stressing on wrong point. End game is to be happy, be content with life, feel fulfilled, and have lived a meaningful life with friends and family with loved ones.

    Arranged marriage or love marriage is just means but not ends. Stats for love marriage is worse in achieving ends than arranged marriage so why not?
    Jan 8 0
  • PayPal mrhuddle
    OP: since you are indian, enjoy this little video on arranged marriage - https://youtu.be/1SgY4m0svC0
    Jan 9 1
    • New 5'6
      OP
      Beautiful 😍
      Jan 9
  • SunTrust !Srs
    No matter what you do Love / Arrange ... Buy a JD as you will be sleeping in living room after every fight
    Jan 8 0

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