I work in tech (TC $350K) and my boyfriend works for a non profit (TC <$50K). We have been dating for 3 years and live together. We’ve talked about marriage.
I have my heart set on an engagement ring that I know he wouldn’t be able to afford. I have the savings to buy it but don’t want to offend him by offering to pay.
- Facebook jujooRing is not a big deal, but looks like you look differently at your life. Down the road, when you have kids, you may need more money to support. Are u sure your boyfriend is willing to let non profit life go?
- Facebook MothI have no opinions on who should pay but please read more about diamonds before you waste money that you could really use for other things on enriching a monopolist who has created a fake scarcity and value in something that’s very common. You can get great engagement rings that don’t involve wasting your money on diamonds.
- I love it. I wish my girlfriend would buy her own ring. I am all about female empowerment. I wish she would also propose instead.
Too much pressure on the guy.
- Your post just made most of Blinders feel so good about their TC.
Leetcode today will be at their lowest activity ever.
- You will have that thing on your hand for the rest of your life, get the exact one you want and buy it together with him. He will be happy you are happy. He can still propose to you in surprise with a placeholder ring in the meantime. Then after you are engaged, you go pick the ring together, you pay.
- Does he like independent women or is he more traditional thinking in terms of roles? The fact you are together at this level of disparity in pay makes me think he can handle it. But I know I’d be horribly offended if I bought a real ring and it got replaced. You got to figure out a way for him to propose without buying a ring or picking one on his own.
- Apple fu manchuNormally yes but in your case no. You earn substantially more than him. If you aren’t going to be happy with what he can afford to buy then buy your own ring and let him buy his ring. If he’s going to be butt hurt by it, then he has insecurity issues he needs to work on.
What’s most important is if you are perfect for each other. Not TC and purchasing power.
- Google / Engcome2daddyTell him you have ring of your life and you have enough saved for the ring and then go and buy it together. If he is a real guy, he should be proud of you - he saved his money and you got your happiness. Also, you saved him months of metal and physical torture which he would have spent searching for the perfect ring alone. Only things that matter.
If he is too emotional to think “what the world would say”, ask him to bear all the other costs of marriage.
Wish you a successful life together!!
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- Buy the ring that makes you happy. Girl Power. Of course that might emasculate his ego, but meh that's his prob. Anyway, he must be packing 🍆 if you are willing to marry a TC 50k guy. Congrats and how the heck does Pinterest pay so much?
- Cadence / EngDeluccaHave him agree to let you buy the ring that you like. And later just tell him the amount that you think he is comfortable with.
A small lie here will save a lot for you both.
- Amazon FetchDon’t start a life long commitment by being dishonest. It will likely come out at some point if you lie, then can undermine the trust in your relationship. Not worth it. Just be honest that you fell in love with a particular ring and who pays for it or how much it costs doesn’t matter, you just really like the ring.Jan 31
- Amazon what¿Why would it be weird if you are going to get married and will have many shared expenses at that point. Could have joint accounts. You can go together to pick it out.
If you think he can get sensitive about the purchasing time of you paying, since you are getting married, consider a joint bank account or credit card for purchases together. Just that you can do the most contribution, or make most or all of the payments since you will have more disposable income. You can pay it down "to avoid the interest".
- If it was me, I take whatever my significant other gives me even it costs $25. It is the thought behind the ring counts not how much it was spent. Think about wearing a ring you bought yourself, what does that mean.
You can use your money to buy other jewelries or car.
- Disney GKgi22I’m in the same situation.
I thought I wanted something much larger, but tried many on and they looked weird. Ultimately, I found a somewhat minimalist vintage ring I like (~1 carat diamonds + platinum) and knew I’d want to wear everyday and was in his price range. Plus, in all honesty, I’d rather spend my $$ on real estate. But that’s just me.
- Intercom DINT93There’s nothing inherently weird about who foots the bill in my opinion. If you two are serious about sharing a life together including finances (which it sounds like you are), and a particular ring is important to you, go for it!
To some people the engagement ring symbolizes a commitment to a woman by a man (or a worst some perverse representation of financial sacrifice) but if your relationship is healthy the commitment is a given. If he feels insulted, have an open conversation as to why — what’s important to him about him purchasing it? What does him purchasing it represent in his mind? Can you achieve that within the engagement process somehow without him needing to purchase the ring? If he wants some skin in the game, how about he pays for part of it (some number he can afford that’s not going to put him in a bad financial situation)?
In the end though, what’s most important is focusing on building a life together. Hopefully something as superficial as the cost of a ring isn’t going to rock your relationship ... if it does, I think you have bigger problems to sort out first.
- I’m pretty sure less than 10 people make 350k in TC at Pinterest right now. Paper money doesn’t count.
- New / MgmtFourHrWkWkmoreI say don’t do it! It would emasculate most men. Unless he is a true sub or suga baby, and gets off on you dominating the relationship, i think it’s risky. Actually, I think it’s risky to even suggest that he can’t afford a ring that would get you to say “yes”. It’s a romantic gesture, and symbol of love. Not a trophy.
Another option is to let him buy it, even if he has to take out a loan. Then you can offer to cover other expenses for a while, like household bills.
Or buy yourself a beautiful cocktail ring for the other hand and just skip the engagement ring altogether until he can afford the ring you want. You might find that after being married a while you’d rather that cash go elsewhere, like a house.
I realize many men on this thread are happy to have a woman buy their engagement ring because it sounds practical - , but no matter how strong and modern a relationship is, just imagine the inadequacies that arise when she is showing off a ring that represents his commitment to her - and she paid for it.
While I’m sure you’re deeply in love, Your question makes me concerned about the direction of your relationship. .