Is there a particular reason couples decide to not have kids?

Nvidia flybu
Jun 1 89 Comments

Just curious about young, eligible married or otherwise folks who just decide not to.

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TOP 89 Comments
  • Facebook
    Qqqi

    Facebook

    BIO
    _
    Qqqimore
    Before we got married, my wife said she wanted to have kids. After we got married, she said she fucking hated them and didn't want to ruin her career over them. I should have left then, but made the mistake of staying. Time passes quickly... If you want children, make sure to find a spouse where you have the same values and goals.
    Jun 1 11
    • Twitch / Data select *
      There's this business called legacy

      Getlegacy.com that helps store your sperms in case you want kids In the future
      Jun 1
    • New / Ops
      tooQ10

      New Ops

      PRE
      Rakuten USA
      BIO
      Obligatory: YoE 20, TC 41k. Such is life for us non-SWE office monkeys!
      tooQ10more
      In a similar spot here. Never got to have them because she was never ready financially or emotionally. I'd give anything to have a child of my own; monetary riches mean nothing next to having ones own progeny.
      Jun 1
    • Twitter Oomnj
      Guys come on - you guys can have kids with surrogates or egg donors for like 10-20K: do it now!
      Jun 1
    • New / Ops
      tooQ10

      New Ops

      PRE
      Rakuten USA
      BIO
      Obligatory: YoE 20, TC 41k. Such is life for us non-SWE office monkeys!
      tooQ10more
      @cousin - I am 100% behind you with those thoughts. Dying childless terrifies me. I'd work a minimum wage job and live in an closet if that were the cost of becoming a father. Career means nothing.
      Jun 1
    • LinkedIn 黃帝
      @qqqi just leave now bro
      Jun 1
  • Expensive, stressful, takes up a ton of time? It seems like you shouldn’t have them unless you really want them, it’s a huge responsibility to raise a child.
    Jun 1 6
    • Microsoft idknbd
      It really isn't very expensive or stressful. It does take a lot of time, though.
      Jun 1
    • LinkedIn nommy
      It’s expensive if you are trying to give them the best. The best education, the best extracurricular, the best parties, etc. Many parents feel pressured to send their kids to private schools.

      Now, in the Bay Area, parents are pressured to send their kids to preschool that costs $1500 a month (my coworker does this). Since this is the hub of “smart” people, parents feel the pressure to spend to get their children ahead. It’s not atypical for parents to be spending thousands per month on their kids. (Top summer camp programs now cost $5000+ per summer).

      Kids are expensive.
      Jun 1
    • Twitter Oomnj
      Given the amount of indoctrination in the Bay Area you’re better off homeschooling.
      Jun 1
    • LinkedIn 黃帝
      Homeschooling is also expensive in opportunity cost and sanity
      Jun 1
    • New / Consultant
      LHBR

      New Consultant

      BIO
      Always looking how to do Business better.
      LHBRmore
      Children are a blessing that cannot be measured in terms of cost! You are Priceless, and more valuable than schooling costs ect. It is something I would not trade for any $$$ in the world. Something amazing and selfless.
      Jun 2
  • Adobe OpenRoad19
    I wanted children. My first husband always said he did but then he left me. We were high school sweethearts and he felt tied down.

    My second/current husband said he did and we agreed to have one a year after we got married because we were older (mid-30s) and shouldn’t waste time. This was discussed before we got married - along with money, religion, and all the important stuff.

    Second/current husband then decided, after we got married, that he loves our life and our freedom. He also felt with all his anxiety, he didn’t want a child now - despite him loving his nieces like they were his daughters (because he helped raise them when his brother got divorced). He also said he didn’t want to get up in the middle of the night nor get up early, deal with puke/poop/screaming children, share our money, etc.

    It is...heartbreaking.
    Jun 1 10
    • Twitter Oomnj
      I mean if he loved you he wouldn’t break promises or go back on them - not trying to be an ass, he can still love in other ways, but going back on promises is not the sign of unconditional love. 🤷‍♂️
      Jun 1
    • IBM / Eng
      hashClash

      IBM Eng

      BIO
      Install Gentoo
      hashClashmore
      Get a sperm donor
      Jun 1
    • Arthrex quarks
      If you want kids and your partner doesn't, it is better to have kids without the partner. If you pass the timeframe on not having a kid because of your partner refused you will always regret it till you die. I personally would have kids and not have a marriage.
      Jun 2
    • Twitter Oomnj
      Yeah what’s the point of being married to someone who goes back on his promises and prevents you from having kids. Plus what if he also divorces you down the road?
      Jun 2
    • Microsoft / Eng
      tarasenko

      Microsoft Eng

      PRE
      Microsoft, Grab
      tarasenkomore
      Very sad. Does he know how you feel? I hope you've told him! Also, perhaps you can convince him it's not so hard?
      Jun 2
  • Amazon jvdzhjfsc
    Once you are into your mid/old age, kids make life worth living and future worth looking forward to.
    Jun 1 5
    • Facebook bdfunbff
      Your kids won’t be around you at old age, they’ll be busy living their lives.
      Jun 1
    • New / Eng cousin
      I mean you’d still look forward to their success
      Jun 1
    • Amazon jvdzhjfsc
      Exactly. Humans need goals and projects to be happy and there is no bigger goal than helping your kids grow up. Keeps you busy and makes you look forward to the future. Otherwise, after about 45-50, most people have nothing to look forward to.
      Jun 1
    • Signifyd cwarrior
      I guess I can have them in my 40s or 50s then.
      Jun 1
    • Amazon jvdzhjfsc
      You surely can but you won’t have the energy to raise them
      Jun 1
  • Google / Eng Bluths
    Mostly because I am selfish. I like my life and my time and love that I don’t have to prioritize anything over myself.

    Having kids is a huge responsibility, a big time and money suck, and your quality of life degrades. And when they grow up, most kids see their parents once or twice a year, so it’s not like you have someone when you’re old.

    I would much rather enjoy my youth on my own terms, and have enough money when I am old to pay someone to take care of me.
    Jun 1 7
    • Nvidia flybu
      OP
      It doesn't end.. that's kind of the whole point of the human race existing, people passing on not only genes but good morales and stories and culture to make it all worth it.

      And if it feels good to be alive to you, there's only one reason that you are: because you had parents who did it.
      Jun 1
    • Google / Eng Bluths
      As I said, I am selfish. When I am dead and gone, why the fuck would I care what happens ?

      And yeah, I am thankful to my parents. But if they had chosen to not have me, I wouldn’t exist, so I wouldn’t have any feelings on that matter one way or the other.
      Jun 1
    • Nvidia flybu
      OP
      One perspective vs another. Latter being when you procreate and make something good and it requires sacrifice but also it's rewarding.. it's nice sometimes, that's all.
      Jun 1
    • Google / Eng Bluths
      I can see that point. You asked why people don’t want kids. I was giving you that perspective.
      Jun 1
    • Qualcomm enjoyliife
      Bluths if you are selfish then definitely have a kid because things wont be same as you age.
      Jun 1
  • Twitter Oomnj
    Anti Natalism is mostly cultural and rampant in the valley
    Jun 1 1
    • Uber / Eng oOBb03
      An r-K spectrum refresher may be in order.
      Jun 1
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    Jun 1 2
    • Twitter Oomnj
      Not true. Poor people have more kids. It’s a cultural not an economics issue a
      Jun 1
    • Facebook ⭕w⭕
      You're overanalyzing my comment lmao...
      Jun 1
  • New / Eng # %
    My first kid graduates high school next week. Kids are fun, but they are never ending second full time job. Most people who think about having children have no clue what it means. Everybody can deal with that additional workload tho, but say goodbye to your hobbies and life goals.
    Jun 1 0
  • Cloudera Ohheythere
    Overpopulation
    Jun 1 5
    • Twitter Oomnj
      Not really. The US hit the birth rate below replacement level
      Jun 1
    • Cloudera Ohheythere
      There's more to the world than the US
      Jun 1
    • Twitter Oomnj
      Still invalidated your argument. People in the valley not having kids is not going to do anything to stop
      Overpopulation but will mean the US dips even lower than the replacement level
      Jun 1
    • Cloudera Ohheythere
      Sure you did, except nowhere in my comment or in the starting post did anyone specify the US or the valley.
      Jun 1
    • Twitter Oomnj
      I’m saying the world isn’t really over populated
      Jun 1
  • Most people in general try to avoid additional responsibilities.
    Jun 1 5
    • Nvidia flybu
      OP
      Unfortunately
      Jun 1
    • Microsoft klao
      No. Mostly they are afraid of what’s the next generation is gonna face. Life for them will not be ease like it was for us. There’s no altruism in having a child..
      Jun 1
    • Nvidia flybu
      OP
      So the best idea one has it to give up on creating new generations?
      Jun 1
    • Google / Eng xn743
      Yes fewer people means greater individual value
      Jun 3
    • Nvidia <script><
      Are you saying it's more Libertarian to not have kids?
      Jun 3
  • Northrop Grumman karoshi_
    Mostly Narcissism, supported by a long list of Leftest excuses
    Jun 1 3
    • Twitter Oomnj
      The valley definitely has a anti-Natalist culture. Not sure if I pass judgement on that cuz people should do what they want
      Jun 1
    • Microsoft klao
      Narcissism is wanting to have human beings dependants on you, or wanting to be someone’s hero. Most people have kids for selfish reasons.
      Jun 1
    • Northrop Grumman karoshi_
      So maybe selfish is a better description than narcissism. I believe most people choose to Not have kids for selfish reasons. Being a parent is just about the most self denying lifelong commitment someone chooses. More than any other role, a parent chooses to love their kids More than they love themselves. They deny their own wants, needs, desires, money, time, sleep etc. so that they can make sure their kids can have all of these
      Jun 1
  • Seagate toti420
    Don’t remember where I saw this, but according to one study, the biggest regret people had was not having enough kids. Second biggest regret was not leaving an unhealthy relationship sooner.
    Jun 1 1
    • Google / Eng Bluths
      Studies like that are mostly flawed.
      Jun 2
  • New / Design
    tacosmello

    New Design

    PRE
    Raizlabs, MullenLowe
    tacosmellomore
    Smart people, please reproduce. There are many idiots who need to be exterminated. Don’t let them overrun us. Our race depends on it.
    Jun 1 1
    • New
      MIT_Grad

      New

      PRE
      Tesla Motors
      MIT_Gradmore
      Why not retrain instead of firing
      Jun 1
  • IBM / Eng
    cock.li

    IBM Eng

    BIO
    Install Gentoo
    cock.limore
    Culture that frowns upon marriage, commitment, and a traditional family unit.
    Jun 1 0
  • Verizon Media sxSG85
    You might wanna check out the reddit sub r/childfree
    A close friend of mind ( Indian male) has decided not to have kids because he knows he doesn’t have it in him to raise kids and it’s expensive. He found a wife with same aspiration and they’re quite happy together
    Jun 1 2
    • New / Design
      tacosmello

      New Design

      PRE
      Raizlabs, MullenLowe
      tacosmellomore
      Good for them. I’d love to rush them to the grave if they’re not crazy philanthropists in some sense. Or true inventors who can help us out of this mess.
      Jun 1
    • Adobe OpenRoad19
      People who actively choose to be childfree because they know they don’t want children - the reason doesn’t matter - are commendable yet society looks down upon it. I say it’s commendable in the sense that it’s better to admit and accept you don’t want children than to bring them into this world because of family/peer/societal pressure.

      And it’s wrong for people with children to assume that those without children are selfish narcissists. Everyone has their reasons, all of which are personal and none of anyone’s business.
      Jun 2
  • Amazon jQpf16
    I dont want kids, My husband does. but given that its my body and my life that will take a big beating I have decided not to have them. The world is too populated and there is no real point to adding more and ruining your life in the process. As for my husband he wont miss what he deosnt know, and he respects my decision and wll never impose his will. This was discussed before marrrying and my hubsand said that it would be my ultimate decision.
    Jun 3 0
  • Qualcomm enjoyliife
    People who dont have kids always and always regret it later in life. Thing is it might feel good to not have kids in young age but thing is different stages of life need different things from life. Sometimes we might have to do things which feel not good just to make sure future is safe and happier. Anything short term might not be good in long term. Do things that are good for long term as well. For the same reason its asked not to smoke cocaine because in that moment it might feel good but it hurts later in life.
    Jun 1 2
    • Nvidia flybu
      OP
      Yeah one changes their style and taste so much over time... compare when you were a teenager to now, or even ten years ago to now, most were different people.
      Jun 2
    • Google / Eng Bluths
      I know a 60 year old couple who don’t regret not having kids. Thus, your premise is wrong.

      Having kids is no guarantee your future is safe and happier. If you want to have kids, go for it. Just don’t parrot things about how bad life is for people who don’t have kids.
      Jun 2
  • New / Design
    tacosmello

    New Design

    PRE
    Raizlabs, MullenLowe
    tacosmellomore
    There are many reasons couples don’t have kids. I feel like it’s almost easier to not do it... but how rewearing is life without them?

    What will you do instead?

    Some have delusions of legacy, some put so much pressure on their children to achieve things they didn’t.

    There are many childless heroes. They are creators, thought leaders, artists, scientists...

    Do you. But damn help us out a bit of you can.
    Jun 1 0
  • Amazon CiJN18
    I have school age kids, but I don’t judge people who don’t want them. I love my kids more than anything, but it’s a never ending commitment. There’s no one right choice, each has pros and cons.
    Jun 1 0
  • AT&T / Data Mr.Fix
    $120k student loans debt I’m dealing with for starters.
    Jun 1 2
    • Twitter Oomnj
      Sounds like a bonding experience with the kids when they get their own student debt
      Jun 1
    • Twitter Oomnj
      Warren will wipe that out anyway
      Jun 1