Leave husband or stay in relationship?

Intel FNiy40
Sep 13, 2018 503 Comments

It's been 5 years to my marriage. We dated very shortly and got married. After marriage I saw a completely new man than he was before marriage. Meaning, less respectful, more authoritative as in I am his property, taking me for granted. I try to fix things by talking about it when everything calm down and by avoiding fights wherever I can(because I truly love him). Fast forward 3 years, I caught him sexting with his ex. Then I dig deeper, I found he is still in touch with her all 3 years even while we were together. I moved to my parents house and ask for divorce. He don't want to. He along with his whole family apologized for his deeds and ask me to come back.
Seeing him crying and apologizing, I forgive and moved back. Then I got pregnant gave birth to a son. All going great. No complains. He has a desk job and , spent NOT even a single night outside. I thought he truly changed after accepting his mistake.
Now our son is 2 years old, just an hour before I found accidentally he is still in touch (exchanged flirtatious message ) with her. I am in tears, not sure what to do. He is great father and now doing well as a husband too. But not able to understand why he is still in touch with her ex, exchanging such messages.

Please advice, my mind is not working. I am not sure what I should do.

Update1: I am really thankful for all the support and suggestions 🙏🏻

Update2: some people saying marriage is not slavery and should be allowed to do what he is doing. Just want to tell you that I am pretty open and easy to talk to person. I told him many times and in many ways my expectations (that I won't accept such behavior). I just want from him is clarity. Either let me go, or do what you promise. Just don't lie.

Update3: reason for posting here is: 1)I was in pain, and have seen many wonderful people here, giving great advices to people in their tough time (except few noise and anomalies); 2) wanted to gain a perspective esp from men- why anyone do that. If you have a wife who loves and care for you. Still, What makes you do that? Divorce is tough, so trying to understand from others perspective, to get insight whether it is really needed.

Update4: Please do NOT comment anymore. Seems like folks are not able to unsubscribe from this thread and it is spamming everyone who come forward to help with their suggestion/advice. I again thanks everybody for sharing their point of view.

Update5: After some discussion with my husband, I decided to move on. I along with my son are living separate now. I won't able to provide much details on it, atleast for now. So kindly do not ask.

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TOP 503 Comments
  • This comment was deleted by original commenter.

    • Northrop Grumman iCallBS
      Lol
      Sep 13, 2018
    • Microsoft / Mgmt ⚾️ has
      You missed microsoft :(
      Sep 13, 2018
    • Intel FNiy40
      OP
      Because only 3 allowed
      Sep 13, 2018
    • Google / Eng
      L4 / Eng

      Google Eng

      PRE
      Symantec
      BIO
      L4 Eng
      L4 / Engmore
      I guess we can Google a good lawyer, buy chocolates from Amazon, and get an old friend to keep you company on Facebook.
      Sep 14, 2018
    • Amazon / Eng onMyWay
      Give this man a raise^
      Sep 15, 2018
  • Uber / Eng oOBb03
    Consider a throuple relationship.

    Problem solved.

    If she's nice, maybe you and she can get along.

    Also, I know a throuple relationship that a woman used to get out from her man. She set him up with another woman. They all were in a relationship together, then she bowed out.

    But you don't even need to bow out. Three is better than two sometimes.
    Sep 13, 2018 11
    • Amazon
      UbDR20

      Amazon

      PRE
      USAA
      UbDR20more
      Sep 15, 2018
    • Microsoft pusshat495
      Not all rides in life are improved by Uber's Express Pool.
      Sep 15, 2018
    • Amazon / Eng onMyWay
      Liberalism is a mental disorder
      Sep 15, 2018
    • Google Easy704
      @pusshat495 best response ever!
      Sep 15, 2018
    • Microsoft AndyBates
      Don't claim until you've a prototype
      Sep 16, 2018
  • Microsoft Kaeop
    I think you should really go talk to a reputed couples therapist and seek advice. Please don’t follow stupid random suggestions from this forums. I know you are in pain but life is complicated. People are complicated. Don’t throw away a relationship (and a child’s future) by just quiting. Show him tough love. How awesome and independent you are through tough situations. He should see that. Ask him if he really wants to invest in your relationship he should go through couples therapy with you.
    Relationships change if both of you engage with therapist live and he sees your side of things.
    Find a good therapist who can spend time. All the best.
    Sep 13, 2018 7
    • Intel FNiy40
      OP
      Thank you for this comment, @sonde3.
      Sep 14, 2018
    • Amazon amaman
      Cant agree more with sonde3’s comment. Ppl dont change. Move on
      Sep 15, 2018
    • Apple / Eng
      Sjvv

      Apple Eng

      PRE
      Intuit
      BIO
      Engineering, devops,AI,database
      Sjvvmore
      Don’t move on , you just need realize what he is doing wrong . No one is Bay Area or most of USA are very serious for marriage and just do time pass , you need to give me some more care and trust
      Sep 15, 2018
    • Apple TXfr63
      I agree with sonde here but a BIG assumption is he is Cheating. I’m not sure if exchanging a text with ex can be construed as cheating. You have not heard his side of the story. So please don’t make any rash decisions and throw away what you have (apart from what you found in last hour, apparently you are happy with how things are)
      Sep 15, 2018
    • Microsoft Kaeop
      I’m not saying you should stay in an abusive relationship. I’m saying give it a really really good chance before you think of divorce. He should put in 10 times more hard work to win you back. If that doesn’t happen then yeah sure you can separate ways. People bring up divorce as the first option these days it’s kinda sad.
      Sep 17, 2018
  • Intel FNiy40
    OP
    It is not friendly flirting.

    Sharing old videos together saying still miss those days everyday. Sharing hardcore porn links and sharing desire to be in that with her.

    All I always told him and expect from him is - to be clear. Do not keep me hanging. If you really like her, say so, I will get out of picture. If you want to be with me, don't lie and play hide and seek games. It is matter of trust and bond.
    Sep 14, 2018 6
    • Intel FNiy40
      OP
      Yes, exactly. Don't keep me hanging. That's all I want.
      Sep 14, 2018
    • Amazon / Eng Am A Bot
      Honestly I would give him a deadline. And if he doesn’t choose—you will. It’s not fair to leave you in limbo like this.
      Sep 14, 2018
    • Salesforce / Eng
      AeIq03

      Salesforce Eng

      PRE
      Tata Consultancy Services
      BIO
      Lead software engineer at Salesforce
      AeIq03more
      Appreciate you and you are mature enough to handle him.
      Sep 14, 2018
    • Facebook / Eng Bootcampe
      Leave him. I understand it might be a difficult decision considering ur son, but it’s not worth ruining ur life completely for that. U can make sure to be a better parent to ur son in several other ways. When he grows up, he will understand why u decided what u decided and will not expect that u shud have stayed in a broken relationship just for him.
      Sep 14, 2018
    • LeanTaaS desi-giri
      Sorry but looks like he is taking your for granted...there is nothing like keep you hanging....you are having false hopes...

      Just get a good lawyer and file for divorce...make sure to have some proof of those text etc....
      Sep 15, 2018
  • Amazon / Mgmt good_bad
    You are female, the courts are completely in your favor. Divorce him and get as much money out of him as you can. Make him your slave for the rest of his life. The family courts will do that for you.
    Sep 15, 2018 7
    • Amazon / Mgmt good_bad
      It's not ridiculous, it's real life. Think about it. The OP has an opportunity to:
      * get full custody of the kid
      * help herself to over half his assets and future income
      * date / sleep with whoever the hell she wants
      * have the public view her husband forever as a piece of shit scumbag and her as a poor damsel in distress

      Just keeping it real. There is a reason why 80% of divorces are initiated by women, and it's not because men cheat more or are worse partners or parents or anything like that. Divorce is bad for men, but can be very viable, in fact, even a pretty sweet deal, for women. I'm just saying the OP has a great opportunity to take advantage of that and she should.
      Sep 16, 2018
    • Yahoo a-frame
      Wow, MGMT, you’re world view is so distorted.

      It’s nuts to think being a single working mother in Silicon Valley is “a pretty sweet deal” and “a great opportunity”.

      Certainly it’s fun to sleep with all the men who are looking for mothers with small children, on the one night a month when you can arrange a baby sitter in your hectic single parent full custody schedule.
      Sep 16, 2018
    • Yahoo a-frame
      Also “help herself to over half his assets and future income”

      Half “his” assets? In a marriage, it’s “their” assets. You’re assuming this guy is in tech and has higher TC than she does. Nowhere does it say either of those. SHE is the one at Intel. She would be taking half HER assets from THEIR marital assets. If she takes the child, yes he has to pay more... because kids are fucking expensive.
      Sep 16, 2018
    • Deloitte uAag27
      Mgmt forgot that the assets that will be halved are the couple’s assets (anything acquired after the marriage), not his or hers. If OP works, there is good chance that she will be the one losing money. Regarding alimony, if she works, it will be low, so stop giving greedy advice to hurt people even more. OP should just cut the losses and move on.
      Sep 16, 2018
    • Google Romyy
      What about breaking the whole life for herself and kid? Are you even thinking about the impact on poor kid, due to greed factor here? You are ready to spoil a kids whole life, because u can make some money out there? What about the struggles, single mother life for rest of life, just u can sleep around with more men? If sex was only motivator, what was the need to marry? U can always sleep around daily with a new man, no responsibilities and enjoy ur life, if u prefer that way..What kind of men will be interested to sleep around, her life will go total mess if she follows ur advice..
      Sep 16, 2018
  • Microsoft baaaaallls
    Why would you ask for this type of advice on a forum with a bunch of socially inept engineers?????? 😕
    Sep 13, 2018 3
    • Salesforce IceCreme
      May be because her husband is an engineer.
      Sep 13, 2018
    • Apple kNhN24
      I’m sorry but that’s one hell of a stereotype...
      Sep 15, 2018
    • A10 Networks / Sales
      Thundar

      A10 Networks Sales

      PRE
      F5 Networks, Oracle, Vertafore
      BIO
      I yam who I yam - Popeye
      Thundarmore
      Obligatory TC or GTFO post.
      Sep 15, 2018
  • Sorry to hear about it. Reconciliation is useless. You tried it. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Divorce the asshole and make him suffer paying you alimony. Call a lawyer, really. Nobody deserves this.
    Sep 13, 2018 0
  • New / Eng hrme
    Women have been in this position for millenia. It has been recent phenomena that men are expexted to be monogamous. Just accept him as he is as long as he is there for you and your kid. We are not meant to be monogamous although the media and religion would like us to believe that.
    Sep 15, 2018 6
    • Amazon tfswj
      Rulers for centuries for society stableness purpose had made us believe that relationship is forever ever monogamous. And we have believed so, for years -- confusing it with romance. So this lady is betrayed, based upon her belief. Asking her to accept is not possible, she as many others are taught about a monogamous world.
      Sep 16, 2018
    • Microsoft M$FT🥜
      Most men at least are wired to be polygamous. Once you factor that in your options become clearer
      Sep 16, 2018
    • Google / Eng YLKQ60
      +1
      Sep 16, 2018
    • Netflix / Eng LWFX53
      Can you believe these self apologists?
      Sep 16, 2018
    • Microsoft / Eng !QWERTY
      🙄 it’s not her problem if her dick of a husband is unable to stay monogamous. There’s like millions of men successful at being monogamous and happy in their marriages. So, really stop asking others to put up with your bullshit and monogamy is hard don’t enter into a monogamous relationship.
      Sep 16, 2018
  • Google BBOM48
    Aside from @onspring, not one message suggesting she look at herself. You can t control him, you can only control you: and if you choose to stay you will have to change how YOU are, to be happy. Marriage is a lifelong commitment you made to your husband (and maybe God). Are you doing everything you can to make him happy and keep his eyes on you?
    Sep 15, 2018 2
    • New / Ops TechLeed
      Lol fuck this mentality. He made a lifelong commitment and thought it wasn't good enough. Send him off to cry and pout like the manchild he is.
      Sep 15, 2018
    • Microsoft gfba68
      This is incredibly stupid and sexist advice
      Sep 15, 2018
  • Uber / Other PiGVomit
    Are you Asian? Is your husband Asian?
    Sep 15, 2018 9
    • Symantec / Product bosspm
      How does it matter and how do you assume?
      Sep 15, 2018
    • Microsoft Wahh28
      How can she slap?!
      Sep 15, 2018
    • Amazon tfswj
      What? Which post indicated "Family"?
      Sep 16, 2018
    • Netflix / Eng LWFX53
      This is not necessary
      Sep 16, 2018
    • Amazon / Eng bmfartz
      There's that Uber mentality
      Sep 16, 2018
  • Google Not_John_M
    Let that mango
    Sep 15, 2018 6
    • Amazon sde-iii
      I wish there were an eye roll emoji for when commenters get melodramatic about mangos 🙄
      Sep 15, 2018
    • Capital One / Eng desu
      I wish you understood how moronic and frustrating these stupid puns are.
      You're contributing ZERO value to a topic that is very stressful for the OP.
      Sep 15, 2018
    • Chase bcEO41
      Humor heals.
      Sep 15, 2018
    • Capital One / Eng desu
      I like your "humor heals" comment. I can agree with that. I still don't think a shit pun is appropriate here
      Sep 15, 2018
    • Amazon tfswj
      I like this post. Better than saying 5 sentences and then conclude the same thing
      Sep 16, 2018
  • GE nhCd35
    Look at a mirror, check your body. Are you still sexy enough to attract him. Small waist bubble butt n boobs. After all Love understanding n soul connection and all emotional things , people still have hormones and when feel horny then shape matters a lot. Go to gym , make it. It’s good for you and him. That might help stop him being an asshole. And find what he needs all in you. Just to be ridiculously honest with you
    Sep 16, 2018 5
    • Facebook / Eng IGFBWAMSG
      @GE, are you serious?!
      Sep 16, 2018
    • Netflix
      6@up0wP

      Netflix

      PRE
      Informatica, Microsoft, SAP
      6@up0wPmore
      haha.. I like your perspective of a relationship.. 😂
      Sep 16, 2018
    • Cisco Viet
      Lol you’re assuming he’s hot. A lot of wives lost interest because their husbands get fat and ugly
      Sep 16, 2018
    • Yahoo Blam
      I understand your point, but to someone who likes to cheat, it doesn't matter how hot their woman is, the forbidden fruit will always be tempting
      Sep 18, 2018
    • HauteLook FleurDeLis
      This is what a bozo sounds like.
      Sep 18, 2018
  • New aLuu55
    Some guys just can’t handle monogamy. Either accept it or leave him. If you decide to stay, tell him no more secrets, you want to know everything.

    My boyfriend and I have been in an open relationship for years and it’s great. He doesn’t really have a super high sex drive but I do, so it’s mostly just me. And it works. I don’t hide anything from him. I would say it’s actually improved and deepened our connection. Monogamy works for some people but not all. Give an open relationship a shot.

    It would be a shame to ruin an otherwise excellent marriage over just this...
    Sep 15, 2018 2
    • Intel blackpink
      Gimme your number
      Sep 15, 2018
    • IBM / Mktg pxDx83
      I do think this is a good point. Sounds like monogamy is not the right answer for him. Could an open relationship be the right answer for both of you?
      Sep 15, 2018
  • Amazon / Eng YOLOL
    TC or gtfo
    Sep 15, 2018 1
    • Google kweJ64
      You need to calm your tits down. Not every post deserves this bullshit.
      Sep 15, 2018
  • Microsoft / Product
    😂lurker😂

    Microsoft Product

    BIO
    Anonymous
    😂lurker😂more
    This unfortunately is the last place to be looking for advice when your mind is not working.
    People on Blind will mess you up.

    But since you are already here and have asked, it's only respectful of me to say what I think
    1. It might not be as bad as you think. You seem to be getting into a negative spiral thinking about really bad thing.
    2. Talk with an open non-judgemental mind
    3. If he opens up and tells you then figure out how to react after you have given yourself a lot of time. Do not react immediately
    4. Breaking a marriage is easy, nurturing it is difficult - so give it a thorough thought.
    5. Talk to a professional, people on Blind are unqualified pricks. That includes me too...
    Sep 15, 2018 0
  • Google / Eng rRPD43
    Ask him why he's still in touch with his ex. It sounds like he doesn't respect you, but people are complicated.

    Maybe it's just an escape for him or maybe he's unhappy. Have you tried couple's therapy?
    Sep 13, 2018 0
  • Microsoft / Sales rainsucks
    Start giving him blow jobs again, he will be nice!! Bet you stopped that once you got married!! Also, pay attention to the balls...
    Sep 15, 2018 6
    • @rainsucks
      Have a really cool suggestion for you. Try not generalizing your own awful story for the rest of the world?!
      Sep 15, 2018
    • Microsoft / Sales rainsucks
      I get regular blow jobs.... tinder and bumble, still single for a reason.
      Sep 15, 2018
    • So why the F are you giving useless advice if you haven't been in that space yourself? Are you like thirteen?
      Sep 15, 2018
    • Hustle Con sfgalm
      He clearly is 13 lol what a loser
      Sep 15, 2018
    • Amazon tfswj
      I will never consider Microsoft
      Sep 16, 2018
  • Salesforce / Eng
    AeIq03

    Salesforce Eng

    PRE
    Tata Consultancy Services
    BIO
    Lead software engineer at Salesforce
    AeIq03more
    What makes you happy ? Staying with him or going away?

    Think about it, life is too short to complain all these issues. If you’re are happy and he is caring you and loves you, it means it is important to consider. But if he is looking for sex from someone else. May be your are not making him happy in sex.

    If you forget all, means he is really caring you and loves, wants to stay with you.

    You need to think what is missing from you and what makes him get away from that ex. Don’t make life miserable with wrong decisions.
    Sep 13, 2018 2
    • Yahoo hgsltw
      pathetic response!! Husband makes a mistake and somehow it’s wife’s fault that he chose that path. OP ignore this response
      Sep 15, 2018
    • Amazon XyIO75
      This is a terrible response..I can’t believe someone would actually write this. OP, stay strong, make a decision that works for you and ignore this response
      Sep 15, 2018
  • HPE WCmF21
    If you put up with it, he will NEVER stop flirting. Most likely he is having an affair with her. If you go back now, I guarantee it will happen again in 3-6 months. This is exactly how abusive relationships get permanent. After a while you will get used to it and look the other way.

    Look online for how abusive relationships develop. Is he physically abusive too? Emotional? These are classic patterns, starts slowly... He was wooing with love bombs before, slowly love bombs stopped, then good behavior stopped, then fights, then anger against inanimate objects (throwing mail on the floor, breaking glass, etc.), humiliation through external sexual escapades, physical abuse ... Ring a bell with you?

    Are both of you Asian or Indian? Must be if his family apologized to you... Asking his family to get involved BTW is another form of abuse, you are put under a lot of guilt. What did your parents, just allowed you to go back?

    Leave now when u still are sensible and have retained your self respect. Do it for your child if not for yourself.
    Sep 15, 2018 0
  • Oracle TCtv65
    Don't listen to strangers who don't know much about your life. Consult with your family and get counseling. This is not an easy decision and you are the only one who can make the right judgment.
    Sep 15, 2018 1
    • Booz Allen Hamilton Cisa 101
      Nothing wrong with listening to other viewpoints. Having a close mind approach is never healthy. in many cases the family member will want people to stay in unhealthy situation despite the signs. a personal decision has to be made. Seeking a marriage counselor can provide another viewpoint regarding what is best.
      Sep 15, 2018