Marriage troubles

Abbott gJfdh
Mar 23 112 Comments

I am an Indian guy in an arranged marriage. My wife has no ambitions to work, grow in career, make money. She always keeps blaming me for not being rich and not meeting her expectations of luxury and because of this I am asking her to work. I spent 3 years trying to build her skills but she never studied enough. She wants us to go back to India where everything is done by servants or others.

She blames me for not having the social circle she wants and instead blames me for it.

She keeps blaming me for not being in a great high paying job, but all the nagging at home puts me in no state of mind to study.

Anybody in similar situation and how you handled this?

If you visited a marriage counselor, how would this help?

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TOP 112 Comments
  • Apple / Eng Mogambø
    Divorce the shit out of her. She is not wife material. Find a person who pushes you forward to achieve your goals rather than pulling you back in life.
    Mar 23 2
    • New !=faang
      This! Especially when there are no kids yet. GTFO before it's too late
      Mar 23
    • SAP porc
      Uh, the first external step to resolve a discord should hardly be divorce. Counseling to understand responsibilities & realities of married life would be more like it. If all fails, then divorce by all means.
      Mar 23
  • MathWorks p8Rz2u
    As a non-indian, this arranged marriage stuff is so mind blowing... why do you guys even agree to this? Don't you want to marry someone you actually know and love? You are supposed to spend decades with them, wtf.
    Mar 23 13
    • Google hooli.xyz
      “So called arrange marriages were completely normal and the way of life in western society a generation or two ago as well.”

      You’re saying arranged marriages were common in the West 30 - 60 years ago? That’s absolutely not true.

      Maybe for small pockets of religious communities or royal families. But arranged marriages for the most part have been phased out in the 18th century in the West.
      Mar 23
    • Microsoft wellala
      Arranged marriage has gone away in East Asia a generation or two ago. I am pretty sure it was gone much much much long ago in Europe.
      Mar 23
    • Amazon day1
      @hooli.xyz why do you sound so Desi. Your writing style I mean ;)
      Mar 24
    • Google hooli.xyz
      I don’t even know what a “Desi” writing style is. Care to point out specific examples?
      Mar 24
    • Microsoft wellala
      day1, I don’t think you understand the difference even though you may be Desi yourself.
      My Indian colleagues typically write like this and I can see lots of this writings in Blind as well.

      “arranged marriage was common in the west 30 60 year ago no ? that is not true at all...maybe for small pockets of religious communities...but arranged marriages have been phased out...you should know that...do you get this...? i am not sure if you got this . I am saying this is the style i am talking about .”
      Mar 24
  • Nvidia DE2019
    If she starts reading Blind TC’s then you are totally screwed .
    Mar 23 2
  • Tesla pHqF86
    People should respect if it’s his culture that arrange marriage is acceptable. My take is next time she threatens to go back to India, tell her if that’s what you want, then go. I want you to be happy. And if you feel there is someone else who can provide you with what you want, then go find that person. Ive done all that I can to make you happy. I may not have the fanciest house or a lot of money but what I can bring is happiness to you. You did what you can by providing her with what you have financially and emotionally.
    Mar 23 5
    • Amazon zVjh74
      This guy gets it. Great answer. This +1000
      Mar 23
    • Abbott gJfdh
      OP
      Thanks for your advice! most helpful advice so far.
      Mar 23
    • Cadence / Product luna.
      Great advice
      Mar 23
    • Intel / Eng DonaldDD's
      What Tesla’s has a backseat? Looking for a car with only a backseat
      Mar 23
    • Bloomberg / Eng iVX372
      This is the most diplomatic way to initiate divorce. But if the wife doesn't agree to leave or improve her behavior, then OP is still stuck being an abused doormat unless he decides to divorce.
      Mar 23
  • New kimm
    Divorce dude, she's a parasitic leech, better late than never
    Mar 23 1
    • LinkedIn Amazonia
      Op is seeking advice, it's better to provide a voice of reason than to dehumanize his wife.
      Mar 23
  • LinkedIn SparkAI
    Sharing my experience growing up in Such a household (Indian) - my Mom was kinda like that. She is a nice woman at heart but ultra competitive and wanted best for me and My Dad. Well I was able to escape the toxic environment at home after high school (although my scores suffered at that time) but I saw my Dad (a very soft spoken and simple man) go from a top performer at his workplace to someone who was just grudgingly coming to office everyday (he worked for the Indian Govt so survived this).
    My Mom blamed my Dad for missing promotions on time, for not having a good social circle. She would abstain from interacting with my Dad's friends and bosses from work which had an adverse impact on his career (in the Indian Govt jobs knowing your bosses means more than your actual job performance). She would openly hurt my Dad, make fun of his career sometimes even in front of me (telling me stuff like "Never grow up like your Dad"). My Dad, who has always been polite and shy to speak his heart out, slowly started losing all interest in work, started becoming quieter and farther away from his friend circle (its difficult to socialize alone in middle class circles, small town folks would understand the pain). A toxic wife (even though she had his best interests in her heart) absolutely ruined his career.

    My question for You is- are you like my Dad? Who simply listens to his abusive wife and takes things to his heart. Or do you have a tough exterior, and are ready to shout back at your wife when she comes up with such bullshit? Looking at your post I would think you are not from the second type.

    So from my personal experience I would say - for your sake and for hers- just divorce and move on. My Dad loves my Mom deeply and so does my Mom, but they are not just made for each other. Its like fitting a square cog in a round hole. Hamesha pyaar kaafi nhin hota, sometimes you need to come out of a toxic relationship no matter how much that hurts you or your wife.
    Mar 26 6
    • Microsoft dshjk
      Couldn’t agree more.
      Never stay in a toxic relationship. Life is tough when you have children. May be that’s the reason your dad stayed?
      Mar 26
    • LinkedIn SparkAI
      Yup that would be the major reason. Also the hypocrisy related to divorce in 90s small town India. Also the fact that most Desis will not consider leaving their partners unless A) they are cheating on them or B) They are physically beating them up. Toxic relationships and psychological abuse are still not considered as critical, you only start thinking about leaving your partner when they start hitting you with an iron rod :P
      Mar 26
    • Microsoft dshjk
      I am sorry to hear your story and experience.
      Mar 26
    • Microsoft wellala
      Thanks for sharing your story. We usually hear about women’s side of story so this is refreshing since most of people are brainwashed to think men are always at fault.
      Mar 26
    • LinkedIn SparkAI
      Thanks ppl for your kind words
      Mar 27
  • LinkedIn hECl85
    I have been in similar situation as yours. We are now happily divorced and it's been one and half years. In my case, though my parents introduced us, we took time to understand about each other before getting maried. Unfortunately people change after certain time and place of existence. My ex-wife started having same demands as yours which I never ever expected. We grew apart and asked her to live in India for couple months to make herself feel better. When she returned things turned worse and the relationship had virtually vanished and no intimacy left. Later realized she had slept with her ex while in India. So it's worth giving some space to test the intensity of love and trust exists between you two before you make any drastic decisions. Based on my experience, I wouldn't bring parents into this matter. It could further complicate things between you two. Avoid third party advice and mediation except for professional counseling. It's only you two can solve this matter together. Once you feel there isn't any love, respect and mutual admiration for each other it's best to end it amicably. It's ok to end marriages and accept the failure of a relationship after you have tried everything to make it work. Hope this hepls. Good luck to you!
    BTW it took me while to get back being single but I have re-discovered myself and I'm happier than ever before.
    Mar 23 2
    • Abbott gJfdh
      OP
      Thanks for sharing your experience
      Mar 23
    • VMware YPjv47
      Can you share what age you got divorced?
      Mar 23
  • Dropbox systest
    Is she not able to work due to visa issues?
    Mar 23 6
    • Dropbox systest
      H4 EAD? Many employers shy away from H4 EAD now
      Mar 23
    • Abbott gJfdh
      OP
      That's the reason she gives now. before she got visa, she said I don't even have was, so no use studying.
      Mar 23
    • Abbott gJfdh
      OP
      she got ead two years back
      Mar 23
    • Dropbox systest
      2 years! Sigh. There’s no reason for her excuse then.
      Mar 23
    • Expedia Xpidy
      Maybe she doesn't want to work. There's no wrong in being house wife. But, she can't blame you for not earning the income she wants. If she like an affluent family life then she had to contribute towards it. Taking her to a marriage counselor would help.
      Mar 23
  • Flagged by the community.

    • New monomo
      What an idiot you are
      Mar 23
    • SAP porc
      My goodness, if THIS is the way you think discord should be handled, you should be at the head of the queue to visit that psychiatrist!
      Mar 23
    • New New •
      Wtf. This comment is disturbing.
      Mar 23
    • Chase / Eng ghosted!
      This is obviously a figure of speech. My point is women who demand this and that from their husbands should not be tolerated
      Mar 23
    • SAP porc
      Thanks for clarifying, however, if it was a figure of speech, it was a very disturbing & violent one (& not really obvious on a platform like this).
      Mar 23
  • Sina.com / Eng
    WLB

    Sina.com Eng

    PRE
    Facebook, Apple, Amazon, Netflix, Google
    BIO
    Software Engineer and former phd candidate in biophysics
    WLBmore
    me chinese, i am in your shoes. my wife doesn't work and even worse i let her know blinders' tc. However, i never thought about divorce.

    Before meeting my wife, I could barely find a girl friend myself in bay area. With my low tc, big belly, and strong accent english, you can imagine how hard it would be. Then i asked my parents to lend their hands. and i get married with my wife.

    so buddy, don't do that unless you have no other choice. you know many chinese people admire the indian tradition of arranged marriage, coz we lost the similar tradition.
    Mar 23 3
    • Facebook ae86tofu
      ROR
      Mar 23
    • Google hooli.xyz
      😂
      Mar 24
    • LinkedIn Ashwathama
      I thought it would be easier for a Chinese guy to get a girl since I see so many well educated Chinese girls in Bay Area companies. Compared to the number of Indian girls
      Mar 26
  • Microsoft
    tech.ladki

    Microsoft

    PRE
    Google
    tech.ladkimore
    Sorry, you have yourself to blame.
    Did anyone force you at gunpoint to follow the shallow Indian culture of marrying your wife based on irrelevant factors like lineage.
    Just because you meet someone on an Indian matrimony website doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't get to know them very well.

    Your only bet is to visit a marriage counselor, preferably a Desi one, and either sought it out or get divorced.
    Mar 23 5
    • Uber YouBeer
      Keep your Western open-minded comments to yourself. Most Indian parents besides yours, want their descendents to follow Indian culture. OP is asking for help. Not asking whom to blame.
      Mar 23
    • Microsoft
      tech.ladki

      Microsoft

      PRE
      Google
      tech.ladkimore
      You can't get help without acknowledging who is at fault.
      And if he followed Indians narrow minded culture (as you yourself implied) because of his parents, the first thing the OP must do is parents and let them know they are responsible for this situation. And yes, encouraging the OP to be honest is part of the help he is asking.
      Mar 23
    • Google ovBk62
      Someone's down and asking for help. Let's bash him some more. Way to go, dude
      Mar 24
    • Google hooli.xyz
      @YouBeer

      “Keep your Western open-minded comments to yourself. Most Indian parents besides yours, want their descendents to follow Indian culture.”

      Lol, you say that like that’s a bad thing. Being open-minded is a GOOD thing.

      That’s what makes western cultures able to adjust more easily and keep up with the quickly-changing world.

      South asian cultures that insist on living in the past with traditions like arranged marriages will be left further and further behind.
      Mar 24
    • Amazon Blindddds
      Doesn't matter if parents forced him to marry or not. He accepted it, so its his responsibility. In the end it's his life which is getting impacted the most.
      Apr 1
  • Expedia Xpidy
    Discuss on this with her parents. If thinks doesn't workout take a wise decision.
    Mar 23 5
    • Abbott gJfdh
      OP
      her mom is here. I tried to talk to her yesterday when my wife was out. but she spewed the same nonsense.
      Mar 23
    • Intel / Eng DonaldDD's
      The opinion is coming from her parents
      Mar 23
    • Abbott gJfdh
      OP
      No, she brainwashed her mom. my wife has reasons for everything and that is to blame somebody.
      Mar 23
    • Intel / Eng DonaldDD's
      Sounds like “victim” personality disorder.

      She may seriously be mentally ill then. The first and realistically best step is get her into a psychologist appointment. Not regular old therapy, they need the ability to prescribe.
      Mar 23
    • Expedia Xpidy
      Yes, take her to a therapist then.
      Mar 23
  • Juniper 404 found
    Its not about arranged or love marriage. I have seen educated sensible girls from love marriage being stupid and blaming the partner for not having house, big car and other luxuries. No counseling can work if she is crazy. Try filing a divorce if at all possible.
    Mar 23 0
  • Microsoft Dr. Root
    This is exactly why I didn't get an arranged marriage. You won't let your parents even pick your clothes, why would you let them pick your wife?
    Mar 25 2
    • Microsoft
      tech.ladki

      Microsoft

      PRE
      Google
      tech.ladkimore
      To be fair, it depends on how you define arranged marriage. If parents are just helping to connect /arrange dates, it didn't hurt/actually helps by helping meet people who are serious about long term relationship.
      A few morons marry people without dating, and then whine about it, bit even then never admit that they are at least partially at fault.
      Mar 25
    • eBay / Eng yhghjk
      Yes, a lot of people have a wrong perception about arranged marriage. It is 'arranged', not 'forced'.
      Mar 25
  • Wipro VendettaV
    I dont know why, but a dominating male always saves the family evrywhere 🐒
    Mar 23 1
    • Amazon / Eng
      UfDM35

      Amazon Eng

      PRE
      Adobe
      UfDM35more
      I agree
      Mar 23
  • Intuit / Other canary
    I’m curious...what discussions did you all have before marrying each other?
    What did you both discuss with each other personally? What did your parents discuss?

    Was she expecting to be a housewife and told that would be fine?
    Did she or her parents say that she really wants to have a career?
    Were you expecting her to be a working wife?
    Did your parents or you give a different impression of your socioeconomic status since you’re from the US?
    Did her parents mention that she‘d be willing to work?

    Just wondering what led her to believe that the situation would be what she thought it would be.

    We know it’s hard to survive out here without both of you working but in India, it’s very common for women to be a housewife, have help with chores, and be in a more socially engaging environment. Most people in India also have an unrealistic rosy picture of a glamorous life in the US without realizing the fact that you must do your own dirty work here in every way, work to survive, and sometimes completely forgo having a social life. It’s definitely not for everyone.

    Did you or your parents prepare her for any of this?

    Also, does she have any female friends who work and have a career they love?
    Mar 23 0
  • Facebook ae86tofu
    Is she...you know...good in the sack
    Mar 23 0
  • Uber YouBeer
    Once you decide to divorce, make sure you setup everything to not get leeched for alimony. Talk to an attorney. Alimony is a bit ch.
    Mar 23 5
    • Uber / Project tomjomes
      It's horrible, I had to pay 40% of income, pre-tax for 3 years... Absolutely miserable
      Mar 23
    • Credit Karma ttttaijrn
      Lol that’s like 67% post tax?
      Mar 23
    • Google DesiBabu
      How the fuck? Was it tax deductible?
      Mar 23
    • Amazon dknewell
      Nobody is paying 40% of pre-tax income in alimony. Maybe you shouldn’t have had 3 kids.
      Mar 23
    • Uber / Project tomjomes
      It was pre-tax, and I didn't have three children, in fact my child was over 18 and having to pay for college and housing for that child was not seen as a necessity by the court because that child is legally an adult. It was the most f-ed up situation.

      @dknewell look up the "dissomaster" it's a spreadsheet used in California family court to determine alimony amounts.
      Mar 24
  • eBay / Eng yhghjk
    OP, have you tried finding out what does she like? What are her hobbies? Can she explore a career other than 'programming'? May be she doesn't like programming. The complaints you listed about her are just symptoms. Find the root cause why she is unhappy? BTW, it has nothing to do with arranged marriage. Every marriage has its ups and down, and even in so-called love marriages, you will encounter these issues. The fact that you wrote 'arranged marriage' in the very first sentence, made me think that you want to take the easy way out and blame everything on arranged marriage. I might be judging you, as others are judging your wife, but that's blind for you 🙂
    Mar 24 3
    • Trend Micro jdeN42
      You deserve a medal! Perfect answer.. Yes, we just know the one side story and nobody is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes, acknowledge and correct yourselves and move on. after all we are so called human beings..

      For all those people who are calling for a divorce, that's bullshit.. That's not the only solution.. You guys are running away from problems. What's the guarantee that new wife will be so good?? Find the reason for unhappiness, ask her "how can we be better" you guys should come into an agreement or action plan for this problem. Remember it's not just you, you should always think like "WE", it should be "US". (husband + wife + children) Work like a team buddy!
      Mar 24
    • Abbott gJfdh
      OP
      She doesn't want to work. PERIOD.
      She is not from affluent family, but holds views that working is beneath her.
      Mar 24
    • LinkedIn SparkAI
      Very safe and politically correct answer. The kind of answer I would post on LinkedIn and FB. But not the one I would post on Blind.
      Mar 26
  • Conduent Mile
    Would it be so bad to move back to India?
    Mar 23 0