Married for 3 years, then this..

Snowflake Computing / Consultant
tech wala

Snowflake Computing Consultant

PRE
ServiceNow
tech walamore
Jul 28 105 Comments

We've been married for 3 years, been in a relationship for 5. It was like a dream for both of us. We hardly had any major issues and got along really well. Almost no friction in our relationship.

We were so close to deciding on when to start a family. Then he comes along.

When I met her she seemed wise. She was happy with life and grateful for everything it offered. She understood the meaning of both desire and compromise. I had dated a few women, but this understanding of life was missing. This was my final consideration in asking her to marry me.

Over the last year, she's struggling to find a "meaning". I have tried handling things lightly and kept it casual. She's started reading all those books and even started talking to her single co-workers about her issues. Sure enough, they reminded her of all the ways she didn't have fun. But she seemed to forget all the ways we did have fun.

This guy she met at a restaurant by accident (table number confusion) seemed to occupy quite a bit of her time. Then they started a business relationship. My wife was often going out with him to meet his clients and make connections. The business trip changed everything. After the trip, it felt like she didn't struggle with "meaning" anymore. She altered her schedule and seemed refreshed.

2 months later, she comes and says "I need a break, I don't know how long". I asked if something's serious and she says "yes". I took about a week and said "okay". She says "I also want to see other people".

I immediately lost it and a huge fight later, she packed her bags, moved into her sister's. Some of the phrases from the fight:
"He's different"
"He's a risk-taker"
"Knows influential people and can potentially boost my career"
"Has a better house" (I'm not kidding!)

Few weeks later, we meet up and come to a conclusion on the divorce situation. Oddly enough, she didn't want my assets even though we didn't sign a prenup. As of right now, documents are under processing.

I still can't believe it. What happened to her? She didn't confide in me regarding some issues and I respected her right to do so. But I didn't think the situation would spiral out of control this bad. Part of me wants to believe she's still the same person and I'm the culprit. I don't know what to do from here. I'll be honest. I'm not "broken" as such. I want to change for the better. But I'm left in limbo. I don't see a beginning, I don't see an end.

Edit: Please don't DM. Thanks for understanding.

TC - 315k
YOE - 8

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TOP 105 Comments
  • Oracle
    not_larry

    Oracle

    PRE
    Amazon
    not_larrymore
    You married someone who was not mature enough and not committed enough.

    Divorce. Make all paper work rock solid so that she never comes after you later. Never look back.
    Jul 28 6
    • Amazon аlv
      > Oddly enough, she didn't want my assets even though we didn't sign a prenup.

      OP, you’re extremely lucky! Get divorced asap before she changes her mind. It sounds like she’s a moron and also very immature, but you won the lottery on that one!
      Jul 28
    • Facebook steph🍛
      @Amazon, her conscience probably feels guilty for breaking the commitment to OP so she’s letting go of the money, or this new dude has a high TC and she’s banking on that. Either way OP deserves better
      Jul 28
    • Google macropolo
      Op, I understand your pain and feeling of betrayal. I will say though that your ex seems to have been remarkably upfront, that she should be commended for.

      As someone in a non traditional relationship, I'm well aware that a v large number of people consider their marriages really boring. It's hard to deny this is the case, too, since social structures and norms force the kind of conformity that rarely comes with any individuality.

      Most folks get used to this. Your ex wife seems to have been able to break out of that mold of thinking. You're certainly right that it would have been far better to figure it out much earlier. However, given that it was now, she seems to have behaved quite ethically in not asking for any more assets from you that she may have been legally entitled to.

      I hope you find the right companion for you, in the future, and can move past the short term pain.
      Jul 30
    • Boeing utthii
      @macropolo « large number of people consider their marriages really boring. » Really?
      Jul 30
    • Google macropolo
      That's my sense. What do you think?
      Jul 30
  • Microsoft / Product
    Brazuka

    Microsoft Product

    PRE
    Bain & Company
    Brazukamore
    Just move on mate. So many fish in the pond. Be glad that at you didn't have kids with her and she didn't want your assets.
    Jul 28 1
    • Snowflake Computing / Consultant
      tech wala

      Snowflake Computing Consultant

      PRE
      ServiceNow
      tech walamore
      OP
      That is definitely something to be relieved about.
      Jul 28
  • Microsoft Rev3
    You didn’t use the word “love” at all. Telling.

    A no friction relationship over 5 years likely means you’re both problem avoiders. Or you failed to notice when there was friction or objection from her.

    Most of your post sounds observational regarding your wife. “Oddly enough she didn’t want my assets” is telling. Wouldn’t “our” assets be what you’d say in a “dream relationship”? Why the boundary?

    Sounds like she didn’t see any spark and you don’t know what a spark is.
    Jul 28 8
    • Microsoft / Product
      Brazuka

      Microsoft Product

      PRE
      Bain & Company
      Brazukamore
      Spark fades with time. Compatible and easy going is what usually lasts. Especially once you reach an age both are not as horny anymore.
      Jul 28
    • Microsoft Rev3
      True. “Dream relationships” have elements of all three.

      The old saw about spark turning to flames and then embers is relevant. I think there’s a country song there.

      OP says she was looking for meaning in life. She’s clearing looking for some heat in her life, not just easy going compatibility.
      Jul 28
    • Microsoft Sexybeast
      @Igasan, what the fuck? What about the comment is about being an Indian? Can’t you entitled insecure white incels survive even one post without stereotyping Indians in a bad way?
      Jul 30
    • Google macropolo
      @brazuka: compatible and easy going is what most people settle for but it's far less fun than the relationships with Sparks flying.
      Jul 30
    • Adobe igasan
      @sexybeast, nice tirade, but I'm indian myself, and I only put the comment there because I do know how most indian marriages work on the inside.
      Jul 30
  • Microsoft / Product
    Brazuka

    Microsoft Product

    PRE
    Bain & Company
    Brazukamore
    I find weird that in the US I hear a lot more cases of women cheating than men (at least in educated circles). When a man cheats here is a massive taboo and he's labelled a jerk whereas when a woman does it's because "he didn't pay attention to you" bs
    Jul 28 1
    • Google 3muchblind
      Life is never fair unfortunately. The only way to opt out of this bs is to stay single imo.
      Jul 28
  • Microsoft / Product
    Brazuka

    Microsoft Product

    PRE
    Bain & Company
    Brazukamore
    But to be clear though: she definitely fucked the guy during the "business" trip
    Jul 28 1
    • OSIsoft / Product killerwhal
      And she liked it. OP, how often did you give her orgasms when u were together?
      Jul 28
  • OSIsoft / Product killerwhal
    He may just have a bigger you know what
    Jul 28 4
  • Intel AZfabMT
    Been there done that… Almost identical to your situation except with kids. I wanted and was willing to do anything to resolve what she was dealing with but her mind was already made up. She left me, kids, assets, everything… Totally left and MIA for about six months. We eventually divorced… Hardest thing I had to deal with in my whole life! In the end it’s just about selfishness… All she wants is what she wants. Be grateful that you do not have children involved… For the greatest tragedy is theirs 😢. For you the hardest part will be to emotionally and mentally digest this… The sooner you do it the better for your health and well-being.
    Jul 28 0
  • GE fmdkkd
    Tell her to wait for someone who is better than her new boyfriend, richer, handsome. This is very good thing happened to you before kids. You need to celebrate
    Jul 28 0
  • Uber rage_quit
    Jeez. Makes me terrified to pull the trigger on getting married
    Jul 28 4
    • Neurocrine MAGA.
      Same. All the relationship posts in here are scary.
      Jul 28
    • Amazon CeoExtra
      Be careful who your marry.

      Be extremely extremely careful who you have kids with.
      Jul 28
    • Uber rage_quit
      Scary thing is you see countless men who are stable, smart, by all accounts good guys marry who they are 100% convinced is the right girl only to have similar situations like this occur. No matter how careful you are, you just don’t know how people will change over the course of time.

      Before I get SJW’d - I’m sure it happens the other way too (guys go sour over time and become ass holes).
      Jul 28
    • Neurocrine MAGA.
      Agree, I don't think it's men vs women. It's sad to see how people change and believe it's ok to cheat rather than working on the issues in their relationship like mature adults.
      Jul 28
  • Microsoft / Mgmt Coulee
    Move on dude. Life has given you a second chance. You don’t want to spend your life with someone who doesn’t value you. Ofcourse, you will feel bad that it happened to you, but its just a chance thing. Highly recommend just fucking your way out of it - use eros.com if finding someone at a nightclub is not your thing.
    Jul 28 10
    • New mbjS17
      That is all sorts of a dumb idea. First, $500 minimum to literally be nickel and dimed by someone whose point is only to make you cum and leave.

      The correct way to do this is to immediately take three weeks off and book an apartment in Ipanema. For the first few days relax on the beach to see what attractive women look like in the wild. You should be visiting Centaurus or Solarium on daily basis until you realize you've been missing out on life by being with that floozie. This really should only take a week at Centaurus. Then start aproaching cariocas on the beach. By the end of the three weeks you'll have a Brazilian GF that's 10x more attractive than the leprechaun who left you. Do this trip a couple of times a year from that point on 💥
      Jul 29
    • Apple hdGe53hg
      Lol, looking at super attractive real women for days is probably not the best idea. Most times you will get rejected and the self-esteem will suffer. I like the idea of taking vacation, but focusing that on trying to pursue women out of your league is probably not best idea. Obviously, if OP is much better looking than most or great with women, it’s different story.
      Aug 1
    • New ja_rule
      ^^ I'm assuming you haven't been to Rio and Centaurus 🙂
      Aug 1
    • Apple hdGe53hg
      Lol seems like I should. As a male living Bay Area for few years now, certainly have forgotten how dating is a natural ally supposed to be like , the balance of yin and yang ....
      Aug 1
    • New ja_rule
      You must go there at earliest convenience.
      Aug 1
  • Facebook / Eng 🤔📢🙃🙃❄️
    Sounds like you'll be getting rid of someone who never loved you. It'll be fine
    Jul 28 0
  • West coast people only think about $$$. Everything else is secondary. Bunch of arrogant, narcissistic and filthy rich folks
    Jul 28 2
    • Uber rage_quit
      Maybe because it legit takes 500k a year for a family to make it here
      Jul 28
    • Walmart BqcQ58
      And then in the end get a divorce.
      Jul 28
  • Microsoft pls89
    Btw, OP did your wife marry you and get GC? Cause 3 yrs is the limits by which marriage GC can no longer be revoked
    Jul 28 1
  • Flagged by the community.

  • Unity bashful98
    You’re not even half the man you used to be
    Jul 28 0
  • New nonPC
    Wtf is the issue with the west coast. Sexless marriages, cheating, immaturity, TC envy, house envy. Seems like a screwed up place to be, too much stress? I hardly hear of anyone having fun in the west coast. Maybe they don’t hang out on blind.
    Jul 28 3
    • Neurocrine MAGA.
      Self inflicted stress
      Jul 28
    • Uber / Eng soviet🇷🇺
      Is this actually a west coast specific thing or a more western specific thing
      Jul 28
    • Google / Eng backlogged
      It can happen anywhere. I have had east coast friends who went through something similar - I think it's just humans being selfish. That's it. That transcends race, country, state, coast.
      Jul 28
  • This comment was deleted by original commenter.

    • New $€£
      🙄
      Jul 28
    • Microsoft Tattle
      Ok, I'll bite. What if they are?
      Jul 28
    • Microsoft FnLf22
      OP is Indian, and she is white. His dream was to enjoy a white ass, she wanted more
      Jul 28
  • Tata Consultancy Services LKOseHun
    The unfortunate thing about a relationship or marriage, the women think that men will change but they don’t. The men think their women wouldn’t change but they do.
    Anyway. Move on and never look back. Good luck to you.
    Jul 30 1
    • New ja_rule
      Smartest thing I heard on blind this year 👍🏼
      Aug 1
  • New Xqqq22
    Ask her what you did right and what you could have done better/differently.
    Jul 28 1
    • Microsoft Rev3
      Let’s have a retrospective on our marriage! That way we can learn for the next iteration.
      Jul 28
  • Oracle marriedM
    You dodged a bullet! Count your blessings that you guys didn't have a kid yet. Don't be surprised if you're tempted to get back together in a couple of years. Write your thoughts down in a diary to remember them if that happens.
    Jul 28 0