Mister, please don't stare...

SAP xmt
Sep 5 61 Comments

**DISCLAIMER: Please don't DM me, and doubly so, if you are married, thanks!**

There's a married man who often takes the same public shuttle I do, to get to a common transit point. We are from the same ethnicity - I guess he's aware of it too. But from time to time, I catch him taking a not-so-unabashed look at me. Maybe he doesn't realize how awkward/ uncomfortable this can be, but at times, it does make me wonder.

I certainly don't dress up for work, quite the opposite actually, so can't imagine *I* am causing those looks. And yet..

P.S.:

1) I am NOT generalizing this for all men (I've posted earlier with a very contrary experience with a stranger (guy), so I personally know this behavior isn't common (thankfully)

2) I've had occasion to travel 'with' this guy a number of times by now, so my observation isn't based on a one-off trip/ experience

3) This post is more of a 'vent', and maybe a hint/ nudge to those folks who may not be aware how their demeanor is coming across in public (this applies to women too, but my experience was with this guy & my perception is that, generally, this is more common with men (I could be mistaken), so this is what I'm writing about. Hope it won't be misconstrued).

It's just uncomfortable being stared at (even more so when it becomes repetitive, so if you catch yourself doing this, please refrain. FWIW, what you think may be subtle, may not be, after all). Thanks!

4) I know the guy is married with a grown child from conversation I overheard between him & another person.

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TOP 61 Comments
  • Oracle
    not_larry

    Oracle

    PRE
    Amazon
    not_larrymore
    Sorry, won’t repeat it. Didn’t think it was noticeable.
    Sep 5 4
    • Symantec GoRams
      Your pants would disagree with that
      Sep 5
    • New / Eng
      TechLeed

      New Eng

      PRE
      Amazon
      TechLeedmore
      You can't prove that isn't just a hotdog he's keeping as a snack for later
      Sep 5
    • SAP xmt
      OP
      not_larry, honestly, I don't think you even read the post before commenting, so, thanks but no thanks ; )
      Sep 5
    • Oracle
      not_larry

      Oracle

      PRE
      Amazon
      not_larrymore
      I did. I’m truly sorry.
      Sep 5
  • New / Eng
    TechLeed

    New Eng

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    Amazon
    TechLeedmore
    I mean sure you're uncomfortable but could you grow up and realize you're in public? people are allowed to look at you. What is everyone supposed to do, look down at the ground because you feel insecure or uncomfortable?

    You're only bothered because you know he's looking, it's the people you don't see you should actually be worried about.

    But seriously, grow up and don't let it bother you.
    Sep 5 8
    • New / Eng
      TechLeed

      New Eng

      PRE
      Amazon
      TechLeedmore
      Lol someone shouting into their phone and someone _looking_ at you are very different situations. What makes them different? Oh idk, the fact he's shouting into his phone on a train? It's rude sure but it's not going to ruin your day.

      If this is actually the worst part of your day you need to check yourself.
      Sep 5
    • SAP xmt
      OP
      Lol someone shouting into their phone and someone shouting into the phone _everytime they see you_ is also very different.

      "If this is actually the worst part of your day.." Said who? Assumptions much? 'Nuff said
      Sep 5
    • New / Eng
      TechLeed

      New Eng

      PRE
      Amazon
      TechLeedmore
      Keep moving the goal posts, he's gonna keep staring and there is nothing you can do about it besides take a different route or get him fired/arrested for sexual harassment. I hear that's pretty popular to use nowadays when you weren't actually harassed at all.
      Sep 5
    • SAP xmt
      OP
      Wow, *I* am moving the goal posts, and you are perfectly sticking to facts and not letting your imagination run haywire.

      Also, in case you read my original post, I'm less bothered by what I can or cannot do, and more here simply to vent and/ or raise awareness. And thanks for treating sexual harassment like a popular past-time, you've made your views clear, I won't be engaging further.
      Sep 5
    • New / Eng
      TechLeed

      New Eng

      PRE
      Amazon
      TechLeedmore
      Don't really care what you think.
      Sep 5
  • Abbott / Eng ssJG63
    I do this subconsciously because I just find people interesting and not because I want to bang because I do it to guys too and I am straight asf.some people features just fascinated me
    Sep 5 6
    • Abbott / Eng ssJG63
      Some people are just eye candy.It is satisfying to look at them all the time.
      Sep 5
    • Abbott / Eng ssJG63
      Maybe you are one of those?
      Sep 5
    • SAP xmt
      OP
      I don't disagree (with your comment above the last one), but civility in public, in my opinion, involves curbing our own proclivities over what's socially acceptable/ comfortable. And if you have to stare, at least don't make it so obvious that it starts becoming uncomfortable for someone else?
      Sep 5
    • MongoDB tlb_miss
      Those are some big words
      Sep 8
    • Abbott / Eng ssJG63
      No they are not. You just don’t know them
      Sep 8
  • Google foony
    How long are the stares? I'm worried I might be doing this. I try to just glance around but sometimes I worry my eyes land on the same person too often.
    Sep 5 7
    • SAP xmt
      OP
      Yes, precisely. It's discomfitting, to say the least.

      No, there's no ready smile, though if I were to smile, perhaps he would, too. The look is like.. how do I put it.. aware & conscious, while appearing casual. Like, if someone were to look at you for some time even without your knowledge, you'll feel it after a while. I think the guy most likely lacks social awareness and doesn't realize at what point a behavior starts veering into impropriety. In any case, am glad I won't be 'co-traveler' much longer.
      Sep 6
    • Cisco ygMX85
      I recently listened to an audiobook in which the encouraged the readers to try some experiments- something that causes a bit of discomfort.
      Such as,
      - keep the eye contact for as long as possible and don’t be the one that looks away
      - while talking with someone 1-1, stand a bit closer than usual (invading their personal space by a tad bit)
      And so on..

      I tried to look at people in adjacent cars while stopped at a light (knowing fully well that the contact can’t persist longer than it takes for the light to turn).

      In short, I couldn’t.. yet. Now I know where to go to try this out... which Caltrain do you take again. 😄 J/k
      Sep 7
    • SAP xmt
      OP
      And what was the real purpose of said experiment?
      Sep 7
    • Cisco ygMX85
      That particular chapter was about stepping out of the comfort zone.

      One of the other (easier) exercises they’d suggested was to strike up a conversation with strangers in the coffee shops - by commenting on pastries on display or some stuff like that.
      Sep 11
    • Cisco ygMX85
      >> In any case, am glad I won't be 'co-traveler' much longer.

      Did you find a new job ?
      Sep 11
  • Amazon NCDb84
    Where is his gaze at? Your face or somewhere else?
    Sep 6 4
    • New / Eng
      TechLeed

      New Eng

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      Amazon
      TechLeedmore
      Out the window behind her probably.
      Sep 6
    • AnchorFree / Eng 🍪 cookie
      This ☝️
      Sep 6
    • SAP xmt
      OP
      ^ No, at the Dodo on the ledge outside the window in the windowless waiting area
      Sep 6
    • Amazon NCDb84
      He is probably high in that case lol
      Sep 7
  • eBay DickJonas
    Let’s get married so that the ring on your finger detests such *perverts*
    Sep 6 0
  • AnchorFree / Eng 🍪 cookie
    OP IMHO you need psychiatric help against a paranoic disorder, worth to do a check up before it gets worse.
    Sep 5 0
  • Staring is rude. But yeah, there’s probably nothing you can do except ignore him.
    Sep 5 3
    • SAP xmt
      OP
      True, did that anyways. Have also started to sit at a distance from him now, when possible.
      Sep 5
    • Yeah, some people have a staring habit. It’s especially rude in American culture, but maybe in other cultures it’s not considered rude.

      I used to just stare back at people, now I don’t give a shit and mind my own business.
      Sep 5
    • SAP xmt
      OP
      Yes, one thing I really like about people here, in general, is that they keep to themselves while traveling. Really appreciate the personal space.
      Sep 5
  • AnchorFree / Eng 🍪 cookie
    Hey can you post your photo so we'll know if to believe you or not? Lol
    Sep 6 0
  • Apple ld24a0743
    You could be a normal person and ask him to stop staring because it makes you feel uncomfortable.
    Sep 5 0
  • PayPal ayyachamy
    Stop being attractive. I know it’s hard but please try your best. Thanks!
    Sep 5 1
    • SAP xmt
      OP
      Thanks for the sarcastic response. What is Blind without a few of these
      Sep 5
  • Juniper scandeep
    Maybe he wants to have a friendly conversation with you.
    Sep 5 1
    • SAP xmt
      OP
      I dunno, maybe, but I just don't feel v comfortable around him.
      Sep 5
  • Facebook / Eng e999
    Have you tried taking a seat so he can’t see you if it’s annoying?

    If you sit next to someone smelly.. would you tell a person to stop being so smelly.. or would you change your seat?

    You are in public.
    Sep 6 3
    • SAP xmt
      OP
      Agree, tho' If you'd read my comments above, you'd have known that I already did that.

      What I didn't quite mention is that, BEFORE getting on the shuttle & AFTER getting off it, also, there's waiting time involved for both of us (besides a few others). So, the experience is repeated there as well. Oh well,..
      Sep 6
    • Facebook / Eng e999
      Change time then.
      Sep 6
    • SAP xmt
      OP
      Yeah, will be changing my commute in some time (for other reasons). Relieved.
      Sep 6
  • Amazon igf
    Are you a guy or a girl? Sorry nothing in the post indicates that 😅
    That said, going and chatting with him is a good advice. I'm an introvert and even I would enjoy a commute buddy, there are people here on Blind who feel alone, and when you are getting a possible friend go ahead and talk! You can always sit at different places on the bus to avoid more conversation.
    Sep 5 3
    • SAP xmt
      OP
      Why is it good advice to go chat with someone who stares at you? P.S. - Thought it was obvious I'm a woman
      Sep 5
    • Amazon igf
      Updated the comment
      Sep 5
    • SAP xmt
      OP
      I understand where you are coming from, but I'm not very chatty/ social myself. If you read my comments above, I did happen to chat with another guy earlier, but he initiated the conversation then. I'm kinda shy in general, more so in public, hence. : ( But this guy is often accompanied into the shuttle by his colleague, and they converse. But if I'm also there, I *know* I will be looked at.
      Sep 5
  • Commvault \🙀/
    So you are fine if the guy is not married? As if married don't deserve to make new social contacts.

    **wierd girls problems**
    Sep 7 1
    • SAP xmt
      OP
      Nice try side-stepping the real issue and trying to pass off aberrant behavior as normal.

      **typical troll logic**
      Sep 7
  • New
    old🧘🏽‍♂️

    New

    PRE
    Bank of America
    BIO
    Yoe: 🦏 TC: 🐐 Still not serious about life ...
    old🧘🏽‍♂️more
    Try doing something disgusting- like blowing your nose, sneezing, cough loudly ...
    Sep 5 1
    • SAP xmt
      OP
      Thanks, only, propriety, but will keep in mind.
      Sep 5
  • Microsoft
    IMO, you should break the ice. Chat with the guy casually. You might be surprised to learn the actual reason behind the stare. Irrespective the awkwardness will surely go away after the conversation.
    Sep 5 1
    • SAP xmt
      OP
      I could, perhaps. But prefer keeping to myself in general, during commutes. I've had a different guy chat with me a couple of times before, but his approach was very different, low-key. But in general, your point may be valid.
      Sep 5
  • Facebook cocosof
    Maybe think of it as he's just taking notes from your style, or how you did your hair? Maybe he's not, but better than obsessing over it and hurting your comfort.

    Or take the opposite approach and tell him he needs to shower/lift weights/whatever. Then after a few months you will have a hot guy who is crushing on you?
    Sep 6 0